You developed very strong thoughts with nicely drawn lines and easy words. The reader can feel where you stand on this subject and you have clearly defined how you feel. Your verses touch on a lot of things that are the typical complaints and regrets of many people, but it tends to come across as if you are preaching. I get the feel of this, the soap box is the only place to truly be heard. I just think that maybe something more than just the msjority feel about these things is needed to pull in those that will rebel against your thinking.
You make your points very well, but unless physical proof is shown, there is always a way around this type of belief. I am thinking as you are so this is not someone being against your thoughts.
The poem comes across strong, but its flow seems a bit muddled as I read through it. That being said, your sense comes through and your feelings on this matter are shown in stone to anyone reading.
Well done with your argument, but as anyone knows, you can always argue against rational thought with christian thought due to the fact that anything that is ever said can be disputed simply because the belief is simply 'god is' and if he is no matter what effort you put into proving he is not, he can simply avoid. That is what believing in something is.
I would think that the argument for a nonexisting being or against a nonexisting being id ridiculous to begin with. After all, he cannot be a being because of what our definition of a being is. See how it works. Silly.
I like your argument and you did very well with giving it, but lets get honest. The only way anyone will know is when they are no longer on this earth. You can say you already know and they can say you are wrong, but truth is you believe they do not. You cannot prove god does exist and they cannot prove that god does not. Upon death, you will be the only winner to this argument. If you are righth, you will know you are and they will know you are too. If you were wrong, neither of you has an essence and any form of thought so you will never know you were wrong.
No argument needed. You are in a win win situation. Good gob with your thoughts and points.
Another well written haiku. Western wind and the leaves moving as waves is a very clear, impressionable image. I get this and can see the picture and sense of this in your lines. Your words are direct and the lines and feel in this haiku are crisp. You did a very nice job.
You weave a lot of meaning through your verses. I like the manner of poetry you use here, not a big fan of the constant rhyme and trained thought. I enjoy how your piece chops up my thoughts, spinning my own out of what you have proposed here. You hold the meaning well and you used easy wording, none of that over the top stuff, to make this come across very well.
It gives your thoughts and sense very well and I was glad to have taken a read.
To be honest, you gave no description of what a sentry looked like and I was trying to figure out why about midway through. I did not have to reread as I guessed at it correctly from how I was reading it. You hid the truth pretty well, but your starsystem and lack of sentry description was a bit of a giveaway. You may want to call the starsystem Sirius instead of what you did. It will still be a remark to the same area and will eliminate the one word in the name that leads to a thought about what may be going on.
The above being said. I enjoyed your short story and you covered all the needed structures of it. Development, crisis, resolution of crisis, and conlusion. You wrote it very well and I appreciated the formal feeling you left in this piece. It makes the robotic feel exist. I do not see any problems and you did hide the ending very good. I just happened across what I thoughth was going on, but If I hadn't been thinking that way, I honestly would have been clueless to the end. Very well done and it was a pleaure to have read through.
I hope you don't mind, but I have placed a link to this in my own file "My collection of authors on WDC. Shorts".
This was a story I am familiar with. Not this in particular, but the whole aggressive swan. I know your stuff is formed out of the real, but I would have liked to have seen a more dramatic picture of Deb in conflict with the swan that was attacking the dog. You did a good telling of your story with the details and such. Good job.
I like the sense of this poem. You did a good job with your overall structure and used simple words and lines to deliver your thoughts. Your poem comes across very strong and I was glad to have gotten a chance to read this. I hope you don't mind, but I have put a link to this in my own file "My collection of authors on WDC. Poetry"
Sounds like the franklin five and time that I used to go to every year at my great grandmother's in Oklahma. You described the tiny town store perfectly. The memories this story invokes. Knott’s Berry Farm, only remembered because of the corkscrew rollercoatser. This story has a lot of appeal for me. I liked the words and enjoyed reading your's and Fizzy Winker's adventure. This story held some quality points that made this a good read. I will admitt, your story reminded me of quite a few things and thus its personal feel. It was a pleasure taking a read.
Impressive sir. You make very strong points with the use of simple words. You clearly define your thought within your lines and your piece holds a smooth rhythm and your rhyme works well, nothing forced. This was a well written piece.
Suggestions/corrections
'No man can take this noble warriors pride' This should read warrior's.
Bestows not bestowes.
Know the power he brings (in his) wrath, Try to use the word "with" here. It does not alter the poem and fits well.
Not what I expected when I started reading. I like it. You brought you thoughts through the verses very well and set them clear in your lines. It was an easy read, simple words and thoughts woven within strong lines. The rhythm held and your feelings held my attention.
The reader can see where you are coming from very clearly. You directed the flow of the poem very well and showed uncertainty and a sense of regret.
Your story has some great potential. I think it just needs some reworking to become a spectacular piece. I like how twenty five years vanishes between the two. You do not see this that often and it gives a lot of thought to the reader about all that time. You handle the dialogue well, the character development needs just a little more, but overall, the short story structure works.
I would like to see more in their conflict. More of his anger and intimidation. There are some things you can expand on to make the emotions drive through the story stronger.
You have something here and with a little more look it will become very impressive. Keep the makeup of the story and only fiddle with some of the subtleties.
Suggestions/correstions
You need to put spaces between paragraphs. It is not something I like to do either, but it does make things in here easier to read and other authors will appreciate it.
"He had(,) what she called(,) “good hair”." You need commas here.
"It was his lifetime dream to become a high powered attorney (some day)." This is not needed here.
The story idea is good. The whole turning of a human is a nice thought for a piece. You did well in your development of the woman's struggle against the vampire, her mental fight against him, and in her turning. There is potential here, but I think you should show some more anger, something much darker.
Your dialogue comes across far to formal for a frightened woman in the braces of a vampire. I would suggest that you make her speach more abrupt, short, and frightened.
Overall, I think you need just a little more work, but you are on the edge of something that could become great.
Suggestions/corrections
'The foul stench of hot(,) fetid breath' you need a comma here.
'Perhaps, even right now there may be some type of search party out (there) looking for her' I would remove this.
I can tell you that you make your point very well. I can feel the emotion and you come across angry and strong, not weak as verse four suggests you felt. Your words and lines are strong and very direct on pint. There is not a person that will read this and not get exactly what you are saying.
The poem came across a bit choppy. I am not certain it was done intentionally for effect or not, but it works.
You did a nice job with such a clearly tough subject.
Perfect. The information in this file has allowed me to do something important with a few of my private pieces. I wanted to allow certain authors access to private listed item so they could read and be able to see the development of my story. This file has given me the specific information needed to acheive this.
I like the development of your story and certainly loved the twist in your conclusion. You did a good job keeping where you were headed in the backgroud. The story turned out to be not so predictible as I thought it was. Very well done.
Your descriprions and development of your characters help my attention through the entire story. The openning was a nice hook.
This was a nice look at the signatures you have aquired so far in your portfolio. I prefer the ones with just your name. They both have a nice, simple appeal to them and definitely are noticeable when atteached to a review or email. This folder was a good place to see these.
I absolutely love this story. There are a lot of places that you need to correct your words and your sentence structure. You have written a wonderful tale here, but I would suggest that you go over the story with a strong read and make the neccessary corrections. This will work and does have appeal to very small children. I have a four year old that found the dragon and the little girl amazing. Put some more effort into this and make it become what it can be. I went over your first page and gave you my thoughts on the changes that need to be made. This will hold up through the story as a guide to help you. It is a strong piece that has so much potential. Good luck.
Suggestions/corrections
PAGE 1
'She was the daughter of a farmer (family) in a very small village.' I see what you are trying to say, but the sentence works better if you remove the word family from this. It does not effect your point.
'(But eventhough) she and her family were poor' I would start this sentence with 'Though she and her family'
'and (had) actually thought' remove the first had in this sentence.
'(That was why) she was thankful for her life despite her family's poverty.' I would start the sentence with she. The thought still resonates and the sentence is direct.
'(But) One day, Xiao Ling('s) father fell terribly ill. Little Xiao Ling and her mother (was) very, very sad. (The girl really did want) to find (some) medicines to cure her father, but they were only farmers (-) they couldn't possibly afford them!' Remove but, change was to were, make this 'She wanted', remove some, remove - replace with and.
Page 9
'Xiao Ling, and especially her mother, (was) utterly speechless. What was the dragon doing here??' Was needs to be changed to were.
The are quite a few places where you use the word 'had'. Try to remove it from the sentence and see if the sentence works. You do not need it nearly as much as you have used it.
You should give the story a hard read. There are several places where you use verbs in the wrong tense and places you will see that you can combine sentences to make the story flow much better.
You give us the development of the author in a very truthful manner. He has struggle with the thoughts of the painting; his inability to translate its meaning until the end. You give us the climax and the conclusion all wrapped up in and explaination of the painting as his own life.
I like how the development of his understanding of the painting comes only when he looks upon his own life and see himself there. You did a very good job of making me think upon your words through the entire story.
This causes a lot of thinking and actually forces the reader to examine things in their life as they read it. It was not a fully concious thing, as I noticed, but was hanging in my thoughts as your story came to an end.
This folder is a well for anyone wanting to get a look at things within the WDC community. You did a very good job here, but cost me GPs due to the fact I found two shops to get some unique signatures made. I like the three files of the awards, the newbiew, young authors, and the over eighteen. I do like to see community items as I am still very new to the site. Thanks. This was very well done.
This folder is a nice look at some of your works in the poetry department. The subjects of the poems did not wrap around one another and made it a nice folder to get a look at your writing styles around different subjects. Thank you for making it easy for someone peeking through your portfolio to get a look at your poetry. touch
The poem is well written within its structure. It has easy words, strong lines, and a nice flow that runs all the way through it. However, I feel that you need to do a little work with this. It has some potential, but comes across just a bit flat. It may just be my interpretation on the piece and if this is so I hope you will understand that it is only a single person's opinion.
Interesting thoughts on our world in general. You used simple sentences, strong lines, a good rhyme, and a nice rhythm to make your peom easily read. You were able to craft some strong points into your verses and I think you did a good job with such difficult thoughts.
This looks like something that has some potenial to it. You seem to have a few things in this piece that will be able to hold the reader's attention. I would very much like to give this a read if you have any plans on writing and posting it within your portfolio. Halmoni is a name? nly asking because I have never heard it before.
Very well done here. You used the dialogue great to push the thoughts in this short nicely. I enjoyed how you developed your feelings and thoughts on your nephew. Good footnote on maasi, a word that I was unaware of.
Overall, I think you handled the sense of this great. It shows honest feelings and displays the truth of your thoughts. I appreciate something like this.
I hope you do not mind, but I have added this piece to my own file "My collection of authors on WDC. Shorts" Thank you.
This was a very rough story. You did a very good job in developing the thoughts behind this. I would only suggest that you extend this just a bit and develop his depression after Nikki's death. I wanted to hurt with him, connect to his despair, but did not fully do so. You have a nice story here, but a bit more emotional development would make this become spectacular. It is on the edges of beings so and will acheive this with just a few additions. Well done.
Suggestions/corrections
'He was lonely then(. But) he had his daughter and her family to call his own.' This should be , but here in this sentence.
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