I have read many of your things and find this poem to be a very sound read. The lines have such strength and direct meaning to them. I will have to admitt that I was angry with the man as I read through thios piece and felt what you were saying with every fiber of my being. The wording is simple and on point, not leaving anything to the whim of the reader. I am glad that you chose to express these thoughts in the way that you did. There was nothing far over the top to distract the reader and it was written in such a way that it held me wound tight all the way through. It is dark and leaves a hole in anyone reading it.
Very powerful. This is something I could feel, could see, and something that made me shudder. Very well done.
Another good folder for your things. The reason for the rating is due to the fact that it states these are unfinished things, but I read "Crossing the Line" and, besides the minor work it needs, it is complete.
The header image is great and I like the collections of things you included in this folder. I did not do any rating or reviewing of "Blind Start" as I am not always comfortable with giving reviews to unfinished work unless it is asked by the author for opinions. It looks like it has some potential though and would welcome an invite to read it completely and review once it is done.
This was a large folder with a vast collection of your images. The review image folder and the rainbow image are my favorites. I looked at every item within this folder, rated everyone that was available to be rated, and I reviewed those things in this folder that prompted me to do so. I was pleased to be able to get a look through your wide collection. The c-notes are all very memorable, the signatures are great, and the collection of other items in her allow each of us to get a sense of you.
OVERALL
I think you did an exceptional job at your structure of this folder. You sorted things out into sub groups and gave us a taste of some of the great work you have created, been given, and have collected. It was great to have gotten a look at your images. I am humbled. My own collection has maxed out at two for the time being and I love to see what other others on the site collect and promote.
Once again, you have produced another folder with a sweet collection of your images. It seems that you have set up your collections in a very nice arrangement. Many images, all sorted into appropriate groups. This is a good way to let others get a look at your c-note images. Thanks for letting me take a look.
CHARACTERS
Well done with the development of a few of your god characters here. Now’chi comes across very clearly, though what we see of him here does not show how he truly must be. Evidently he is biding his time. You allowed us to see a bit of his nature; coniving, jelous of another's position, and something that makes him come across arrogantly. Elohim is also highlighted. He seems to hold himself up high as do the others and he is calm, but has such a strong sense to him. Fendria is a classic. Wrapped up in herself and all. You touched on some other characters, the god of magic, and you started the story with a strong showing.
SETTING
Here you were brilliant. The story has such a feel to it and the reader is able to see clearly the room you have shown us. Great images. You did so well with the description. It has a Greek feel to it, the gaming room, but you set it was such great description of the furnishings. The tables, the tapestries, the stage, and the gold wall all give this a great image.
PLOT
What seems to be evolving looks as if it will be very interesting. You did not pull the reader fully into it until the end, but that hooks into what may follow. I am only able to guess what is coming. You set up the coming plot and twists here and I am interested to see where and how it all goes on.
HOOK
The quick hook, "The gaming room was filled to capacity." grabbed my attention. It made me want to see abot what was going on, and your details of all the events taking place pulled me in afterward. You ended it with the start of a new game, hooking the reader in for the upcoming events. Nicely handled.
OVERALL
This reads well. There is nothing way over the top to distract and it was written in easy to follow sentences. I like the more ancient feel you seem to have set in this and I do ave a desire to see this story develop. There were only minor problems, but nothing to turn aside the reading. Written very well.
Suggestions/corrections
"And presently(,) they all toiled alongside (with) the common people who served them in their own kingdoms." You need a comma here and I think the sentence works if you remove 'with' from it.
"None of the others really noticed his absence though(,) and no one would have cared if they did" I believe you need a comma here. These act as independant thoughts and, even with an and being used, they should have a comma.
"He never let anything slip by him; and there was only one (who) god who was absent." I am not certain if you meant this to be here.
Nicely done for the fifty five words. You developed the story well from the start, crafting a sense that I, like many other readers I'm sure, thought was a human feel. It was great that you used all the typical, human thoughts to drive this along. The conclusion was brilliant. The story had such a nice feel to it, and was a good read.
Again, I have been impressed with one of your stories. You did a great job in your viewpoint with this story. We see it from the insects side. You make them have such a human sense that this story bleeds over into our world. I can honestly say that I thought for a minute. There are some conflicts this addresses. You did a brilliant job here. I hope you do not mind, but I have included a link to this in my own file "My collection of other authors on WDC. Shorts"
The poem is a strong sense of how you feel and what your thoughts, and many others I'm sure, are on this subject. I would have liked to have seen you show how survivers have achieved after this crisis and shown that this happened but did not shatter the human spirit. I am unfamiliar with the exact events and would like to see something describing supposed reasoning behind it.
Your words get right to the point. You develop strong lines that demonstrate your thoughts and feeling on this subject. It comes across with clear support for those effected by this event and lets me see your sympathy. It was delivered well, was easy to read and puts this all into life perspective. Good job.
This was absolutely wonderful. I am not going to give the end away, but the resolution of this story was nicely handled.
Your character was developed well from a mental aspect, but I did not make any physical connection with her. I have read some of your things and realize that you handle you characters this way often, but I think you actually need the physical description in this piece. If she were disheveled or even pristine, it would give us something to go along with the emotional state. Just a thought.
The plot is great and the crises drives this story with such strength. It was a great read and I laughed. I hope you have no objection, but I have included this in my own file "My collection of Authors on WDC. Shorts"
Suggestions/corrections
"Mr. Coffee machine, but instead(,) first reached" I am not certain about the comma, but this sounds off to me. There is a problem with this line flowing right.
"The answering machine on the living room phone started playing the CSI theme song, “Who are you?” to let" I know this is the CSI theme song and relates more that way to current readers, but it is the Who's song. I would like to have seen the Who creditted with this.
Man, that is some twisting around. I was going to make a comment on your rhythm, but after I finished reading, the staggering rhythm works. It carries the sense of the poem. I do not know if that was intentional, but it was a good use of your rhythm.
The poem uses simple words and on point lines that deliver your thoughts very well. I had no idea of the steriotypical piscean mind and if this is it, you delivered the impression nicely.
You demonstrate a mind of twisting thought and feeling. You show the reader your version of this mind and it comes through very clear. It reads a little like a rant and I had to pull back a little and focus on the idea that it is just indecisive. It works, but you didn't show me why all the switching. Is it uncontrolled or does something drive it?
Overall, I thought it was a good read. It was easy to follow and does represent the thoughts that you intend for us to see.
This poem feels like the title. Its imagery is brilliant. I hate to be so bubbly, but you did a very good job in the writing of this. Isee you threw in Poe in the final line to pull in that eerie sense.
Easy words and well written lines give the reader a feel for the withering. Good words, skeletal, fades, and frozen give strength to this. I liked the fact that each line moves into the next line, but does not make the reader fall out of the poem's rhythm.
Suggestions/corrections
I enjoyed the poem, buut think you can draw on its feel a little more with some added darkness, a cripplng of sorts. It is nice as it is, but darkness is naturally associated with withering and I think it would add to the overall feel of the poem. I realize it is a contest entry, but maybe a thought for afterward.
The poem seems driven by a good idea, but comes off a little easy. I like and agree with what you have expressed in your lines, but I do not get a spark. I would have liked to have seen something that grabs my attention.
The poem reads well, nothing confusing, and is actually quite on point. I like what it is saying and see a lot of potential in it that just needs a little tweeking. Good luck.
The first verse set a nice tone. I like that it is pre-dawn, before the light comes and a day begins, and that the storm alludes to changing reality; an upheaval of things. This first verse is a great pull for the poem. Well done.
The poem has great imagery defining it. The words are clear and precise and there seems to be a new world forming. You handle the feel for the change and new life very nicely. The rain, the sun rising, and the blooms are good drives for this piece.
I enjoyed the final verse. You brought all the elements from the start of the poem into its ending. The line "beauty surpassing all pain of passage:" is my favorite in the poem. This says it all. It displays what you described in the poem and alludes to the experience of life. Beautiful.
This poem was well written. It has a good flow, is an easy read, and has a brilliant understanding of life experience. You have developed your thoughts well in this descriptive work. The images relate to the changes in life and the event that forge those changes. Rising up from destruction is something we all can attest to. Great job.
This was a strong idea. I liked the thought behind it. The list of learned things roll through this nicely and is something that we all know as the truth. This is a getaway from all the serious things and allowed me to get a luagh.
"If you think something bad is going to happen...it probably will." This line is a self fulfilling prophecy. It is right on the money, too.
"Learn to love your body, no matter how long you glare at yourself in the mirror it isn't going to change." Another great line.
I think that a work like this needs some information to back up some of the points. Even though I liked it, it comes across as just making remarks. I think that you could make this exceptional with some real substance behind the lessons learned. With some work and probably some personal words, this will be strong. Just an opinion, but I hope you think about it.
Suggestions/corrections
"As I prepare to set upon the last half of my life journey(,) I was thinking that" You need a comma here.
This story works very well. The idea of taking from the view of the creature drives this along nicely. I like the way you wrote this. It gives the reader a sense of the creature and develops the whole idea behind that mysterious creature. This review is on appeal so I am not going to dig at all into specifices.
I have to say, I wanted to rate this a 1 just to let you know I am here. Hah.
This was a funny thought on the reviews. It made me smile, and I supose that was your point. The disclaimer was the way to go.
I am going to review this only upon its appeal to ME. I liked it. Though it is satire, we all have some of this feeling in us. I think anyone seeing this in the public review board should give this poem a read. It is a funny thing and will take a little of the edge off.
I have to say this out of the gate. I was smiling through the first paragraph. I see what the story is about, accroding to your intro, but the openning is just so darn real that I laughed. It was funny, but just tickled that 'I've seen this sort of thing' funny bone.
If I hadn't read the introduction before I entered the story, you would have surprised me. I would suggest that you remove the 'horror story' in the intro. That would leave it open to a mermaid or a mgic fish or something. Most people tend to think pleasantly.
The story got eerie with the appearence of the, whatever she was. It was creepy. That was nice, the manner that you put her on display. Nothing way out and she was sinister just in her movement.
Suggestions/corrections
"Sighing to himself(,) he baited his hook and threw it out one last time." You need a comma here.
"Feeling just a bit on the far side of sober(,) he looked for a place to relieve his full bladder." A comma here, as well.
"him as (finally nature) kicked in" Switch these two words. It should read 'nature finally'.
The story has a sad feel to it. You develop the house very well and use it, and the memories of it, to stive your short along well. This piece, with just a little more work, could become outstanding. I see so much potential here, but did not get the emotion I wanted from it. You are on the border of something spectacular. There are feelings here that could be explored further and pulled out to just overwhelm the reader. It is all here, I can feel it. Good luck. I would love to take a read if you do make an edit. This is good now and I can imagine something very surprising.
Suggestions/corrections
"(Its) an old saying I have heard" This should be it's.
"It looms above me, three stories high. (and) (It almost) seems to be observing me." I would combine these two sentences. Add the 'and' and remove the 'it almost'. "It looms above me, three stories high, and seems to be observing me." If you do this, I think it will make the house feel like it has life to it.
"along the front(,) brick walk when" You need a comma here.
"The plum tree(,) (that was) always such a joy for us, is gone." Add a comma and remove 'that was'. I think it gives it a more personal feel.
I think you should give us a physical look at the main character. A physical description would allow the reader to connest to the story more. I feel the character, but do not see.
The first verse is a good start. I like the sun rising, on its toes, into the sky. I get a clear picture of this. The earth waking up was also well done. This verse defines the idea of being up early before the blackbirds.
Second verse awakens nature. The clouds and the winds. Nice thought here on the trees singing. I can hear the leaves making the whispers. This verse follows the flow and thought of the poem very well.
Early moring rain, flowers blooming, and nature coming to life as it is spring. This verse works as an ending. It paints life being breathed into the world and then the blackbirds singing.
The poem was an easy read. There were not any over the top lines or large words that take a reader out of the poem. A good rhythm and continued thought allowed the poem to flow. You did a great job of addressing the prompt and developing the idea of the poem from its beginning, the sun rising, to its end, the blackbirds singing.
This was a nice song. I can see its appeal to those wanting to preserve peace and bring tranquility into the everyday world. The song has such a good sense to it, touching on these things with these thoughts. Nice set up here with the audio and waording. I wish you much luck.
Man, I was reading a somber piece, then it was a play. Then I see the actors moving away from the stage and the garlic incident comes to light. To be completely honest, this was not at all what I was expecting. I liked the little offstage twist; it made me smile.
The piece read well, but only had a little character development. You may want to add just a small amount of development. Overall, it was a nice read and comes across pretty well.
Suggestions/corrections
I think that in a serious moment like this in the start, I would have said "thank you for our children, name and name," That would give it a personal feel and I would think that as someone is slipping away, the familiar names would be important.
After the read I get the whole thing about Fred and your mother. Simple little things and they make me smile. I have some OCD issues and now I am aware of the FOFU and FOFS issues that may be on the horizon since the kids have gained two cats now. I may speak with you through email about the medication and such I should take if I come down with these.
I like the honesty you put in the diary and appreciate the fact that you have decided to share such things. To be honest, the reading of your entries gave me a nice break from all the dark and serious things I have been reading all day. All good things, but this was an easy feeling break.
Fred sure does have his share of experiences. Marking you is a dangerous thing, but I think you have already shown that you are this cat's possession. The counting of who was in the lead of the whole "Forbidden Table" incident was marvelouw. I am not a cat person, but I have enjoyed the reading of your diary on the infamous cat. Very well handled presentation. My reviews are purely on appeal. I find no sense in getting techinical in any way.
Well, I have decided to take the Fred train for a ride. This was another pleasant read about the cat. I think he is scaring you on purpose. After all, I saw him do it in 1999 as well.
The diary format works very well here. I am certain that these pieces in your portfolio are an attraction for animal lovers. Especially cat lovers. I like the fact that it is all truthful and personal.
You made a good selection of the things you chose to share and I actually feel as if I know this cat. Your love for him comes through nicely.
The fact that he urinated on the shoes though. Well, that is mean. Nice job of showing the personal side of your cat.
I have not read your things in a while and I stopped in and gave this one a look. I like the diary entries. September 23, 1999 was my favorite. Good start also "I had no gray hairs". Made me smile when I finished the entry.
This was a nice look at the cat. A pleasant read that was easy to follow and had a truthful feel, as I assume it is the truth, to it. Nicely done.
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