Nicely done for the fifty five words. You developed the story well from the start, crafting a sense that I, like many other readers I'm sure, thought was a human feel. It was great that you used all the typical, human thoughts to drive this along. The conclusion was brilliant. The story had such a nice feel to it, and was a good read.
Again, I have been impressed with one of your stories. You did a great job in your viewpoint with this story. We see it from the insects side. You make them have such a human sense that this story bleeds over into our world. I can honestly say that I thought for a minute. There are some conflicts this addresses. You did a brilliant job here. I hope you do not mind, but I have included a link to this in my own file "My collection of other authors on WDC. Shorts"
This was absolutely wonderful. I am not going to give the end away, but the resolution of this story was nicely handled.
Your character was developed well from a mental aspect, but I did not make any physical connection with her. I have read some of your things and realize that you handle you characters this way often, but I think you actually need the physical description in this piece. If she were disheveled or even pristine, it would give us something to go along with the emotional state. Just a thought.
The plot is great and the crises drives this story with such strength. It was a great read and I laughed. I hope you have no objection, but I have included this in my own file "My collection of Authors on WDC. Shorts"
Suggestions/corrections
"Mr. Coffee machine, but instead(,) first reached" I am not certain about the comma, but this sounds off to me. There is a problem with this line flowing right.
"The answering machine on the living room phone started playing the CSI theme song, “Who are you?” to let" I know this is the CSI theme song and relates more that way to current readers, but it is the Who's song. I would like to have seen the Who creditted with this.
Man, that is some twisting around. I was going to make a comment on your rhythm, but after I finished reading, the staggering rhythm works. It carries the sense of the poem. I do not know if that was intentional, but it was a good use of your rhythm.
The poem uses simple words and on point lines that deliver your thoughts very well. I had no idea of the steriotypical piscean mind and if this is it, you delivered the impression nicely.
You demonstrate a mind of twisting thought and feeling. You show the reader your version of this mind and it comes through very clear. It reads a little like a rant and I had to pull back a little and focus on the idea that it is just indecisive. It works, but you didn't show me why all the switching. Is it uncontrolled or does something drive it?
Overall, I thought it was a good read. It was easy to follow and does represent the thoughts that you intend for us to see.
Wow. I was put off at first by the jumping back and forth, here and there, but I get it. It actually felt nice after I made myself pay attention to why the thinking was scattered. That sets this story up nicely.
You developed the main character rather well. You let us into her mind to get a sense of her and how she thinks. I think it was good to show her strength and determination at the start. It allows the story to end with her coming across emotionally beaten down. You drew this out through the story so very well. I like the touch about the newspapers and about what the war is really for.
The crisis pops up in many different forms. You resolve each of them, but leave the final crisis, her dealing with the event, open ended. Perfect way to end this story. It made me sit back and think for a moment.
The imagery was great. The setting of the story and the actual event come through vividly. AT first I wanted to find out about how the family dealt with her in war and such, but after I finished, I was glad that you did not present us with that part of the story. You did not need to.
Suggestions/corrections
"maintained, glassy surface" You will need a comma here.
", and God knows," You need to move the 'and' and the comma to read. "and, God knows,"
"War is dangerous, I know that (too)." I would add this in here.
A very good use of dialogue. It starts out in the dialogue, so I had a hard time determining who was talking to who. Other than no direction as to who was speaking to who, the dialogue was handled nicely.
You developed the main character, but I did not make any phyical connection with her. I see who she is and get a sense for how she thinks, but I would like to have that physical image.
The crisis stands in the story from the start until the end. It makes itself so well known when Luke appears.
I love the romance novel description you gave him. Remembering what I have read of your thoughts on the romance novel, I laughed. I assume you did it intentionately that way and I loved it.
The climax and resolution are great. I will not give anything away in my review, but I was not looking that way. You hid it well and I was surprised. Nice take on the, mentioned in this story, Jane Austen ending.
My rating on this is for what I think it will be with a few revisions. You need a little work, but you have everything present to make this a great short.
Suggestions/corrections
I think you need to seperate the sentences and paragraphs. I do not like doing it, but constant suggestions that I do allowed me to go over to the dark side and do it.
"haven't read the book(,) but it's from the movie Emma." You need a comma here.
"I'm not proud of it(,) sure, but it has to be said." A comma here.
"I outwardly cultivate a 'don't bulls*** me with that crap' persona(,) but home alone" You need a comma here.
This gives us a good indication of you. I enjoyed the read and you addressed your complaints well. I do not read romance novels, but I can see from this that I might want to give one a try. I like to laugh and the over the top stuff seems humorous.
I like the fact that you are this strong woman and get lost in these stories. You let us see what their pull is to you and I appreciate reading about you and your view on such a thing.
I think you need to seperate this a little more, smaller paragraphs and work out a few of the lines to increase the story's flow. I also think you should add some length to this, include some examples of what makes you angry and what makes you laugh. Maybe you could make the story references exaggerated to prove your point.
Overall, I enjoyed the read and, I will admit, I smiled a time or two. Give this some examples and let us actually see in detail what you are talking about. I wish you luck.
Suggestions/corrections
"nor am I a man-hater(,) feminist type." You need a comma here.
"But here(,) my inner cynic makes his appearance" A comma here as well.
What I suggest is, you write a romance story, keeping in the romance that you love, and make the woman kick his... I would give it a read, if you invite me, and I bet that it would be great to see the beat down and the loving all rolled up in one story.
This poem feels like the title. Its imagery is brilliant. I hate to be so bubbly, but you did a very good job in the writing of this. Isee you threw in Poe in the final line to pull in that eerie sense.
Easy words and well written lines give the reader a feel for the withering. Good words, skeletal, fades, and frozen give strength to this. I liked the fact that each line moves into the next line, but does not make the reader fall out of the poem's rhythm.
Suggestions/corrections
I enjoyed the poem, buut think you can draw on its feel a little more with some added darkness, a cripplng of sorts. It is nice as it is, but darkness is naturally associated with withering and I think it would add to the overall feel of the poem. I realize it is a contest entry, but maybe a thought for afterward.
The poem seems driven by a good idea, but comes off a little easy. I like and agree with what you have expressed in your lines, but I do not get a spark. I would have liked to have seen something that grabs my attention.
The poem reads well, nothing confusing, and is actually quite on point. I like what it is saying and see a lot of potential in it that just needs a little tweeking. Good luck.
The first verse set a nice tone. I like that it is pre-dawn, before the light comes and a day begins, and that the storm alludes to changing reality; an upheaval of things. This first verse is a great pull for the poem. Well done.
The poem has great imagery defining it. The words are clear and precise and there seems to be a new world forming. You handle the feel for the change and new life very nicely. The rain, the sun rising, and the blooms are good drives for this piece.
I enjoyed the final verse. You brought all the elements from the start of the poem into its ending. The line "beauty surpassing all pain of passage:" is my favorite in the poem. This says it all. It displays what you described in the poem and alludes to the experience of life. Beautiful.
This poem was well written. It has a good flow, is an easy read, and has a brilliant understanding of life experience. You have developed your thoughts well in this descriptive work. The images relate to the changes in life and the event that forge those changes. Rising up from destruction is something we all can attest to. Great job.
This was a strong idea. I liked the thought behind it. The list of learned things roll through this nicely and is something that we all know as the truth. This is a getaway from all the serious things and allowed me to get a luagh.
"If you think something bad is going to happen...it probably will." This line is a self fulfilling prophecy. It is right on the money, too.
"Learn to love your body, no matter how long you glare at yourself in the mirror it isn't going to change." Another great line.
I think that a work like this needs some information to back up some of the points. Even though I liked it, it comes across as just making remarks. I think that you could make this exceptional with some real substance behind the lessons learned. With some work and probably some personal words, this will be strong. Just an opinion, but I hope you think about it.
Suggestions/corrections
"As I prepare to set upon the last half of my life journey(,) I was thinking that" You need a comma here.
This story works very well. The idea of taking from the view of the creature drives this along nicely. I like the way you wrote this. It gives the reader a sense of the creature and develops the whole idea behind that mysterious creature. This review is on appeal so I am not going to dig at all into specifices.
I have to say, I wanted to rate this a 1 just to let you know I am here. Hah.
This was a funny thought on the reviews. It made me smile, and I supose that was your point. The disclaimer was the way to go.
I am going to review this only upon its appeal to ME. I liked it. Though it is satire, we all have some of this feeling in us. I think anyone seeing this in the public review board should give this poem a read. It is a funny thing and will take a little of the edge off.
I have to say this out of the gate. I was smiling through the first paragraph. I see what the story is about, accroding to your intro, but the openning is just so darn real that I laughed. It was funny, but just tickled that 'I've seen this sort of thing' funny bone.
If I hadn't read the introduction before I entered the story, you would have surprised me. I would suggest that you remove the 'horror story' in the intro. That would leave it open to a mermaid or a mgic fish or something. Most people tend to think pleasantly.
The story got eerie with the appearence of the, whatever she was. It was creepy. That was nice, the manner that you put her on display. Nothing way out and she was sinister just in her movement.
Suggestions/corrections
"Sighing to himself(,) he baited his hook and threw it out one last time." You need a comma here.
"Feeling just a bit on the far side of sober(,) he looked for a place to relieve his full bladder." A comma here, as well.
"him as (finally nature) kicked in" Switch these two words. It should read 'nature finally'.
The story has a sad feel to it. You develop the house very well and use it, and the memories of it, to stive your short along well. This piece, with just a little more work, could become outstanding. I see so much potential here, but did not get the emotion I wanted from it. You are on the border of something spectacular. There are feelings here that could be explored further and pulled out to just overwhelm the reader. It is all here, I can feel it. Good luck. I would love to take a read if you do make an edit. This is good now and I can imagine something very surprising.
Suggestions/corrections
"(Its) an old saying I have heard" This should be it's.
"It looms above me, three stories high. (and) (It almost) seems to be observing me." I would combine these two sentences. Add the 'and' and remove the 'it almost'. "It looms above me, three stories high, and seems to be observing me." If you do this, I think it will make the house feel like it has life to it.
"along the front(,) brick walk when" You need a comma here.
"The plum tree(,) (that was) always such a joy for us, is gone." Add a comma and remove 'that was'. I think it gives it a more personal feel.
I think you should give us a physical look at the main character. A physical description would allow the reader to connest to the story more. I feel the character, but do not see.
The first verse is a good start. I like the sun rising, on its toes, into the sky. I get a clear picture of this. The earth waking up was also well done. This verse defines the idea of being up early before the blackbirds.
Second verse awakens nature. The clouds and the winds. Nice thought here on the trees singing. I can hear the leaves making the whispers. This verse follows the flow and thought of the poem very well.
Early moring rain, flowers blooming, and nature coming to life as it is spring. This verse works as an ending. It paints life being breathed into the world and then the blackbirds singing.
The poem was an easy read. There were not any over the top lines or large words that take a reader out of the poem. A good rhythm and continued thought allowed the poem to flow. You did a great job of addressing the prompt and developing the idea of the poem from its beginning, the sun rising, to its end, the blackbirds singing.
I am rating this a five and am doing so because og its appeal to me. Yes, it has given me the desire to read the story. This was a nice piece to garner interest. Good hook in the end with the voice speaking out like that. It stirs thaoughts of what is this all about.
A particular bit of interest to me is "The Gardens of Ais". I see from your description of the setting in this prologue that I would love to get into this garden, well the reproduction of the garden since the original has been destroyed.
Great prologue. I know it is because it makes me want to read the story, which I hope to undertake very soon.
This was a nice song. I can see its appeal to those wanting to preserve peace and bring tranquility into the everyday world. The song has such a good sense to it, touching on these things with these thoughts. Nice set up here with the audio and waording. I wish you much luck.
Man, I was reading a somber piece, then it was a play. Then I see the actors moving away from the stage and the garlic incident comes to light. To be completely honest, this was not at all what I was expecting. I liked the little offstage twist; it made me smile.
The piece read well, but only had a little character development. You may want to add just a small amount of development. Overall, it was a nice read and comes across pretty well.
Suggestions/corrections
I think that in a serious moment like this in the start, I would have said "thank you for our children, name and name," That would give it a personal feel and I would think that as someone is slipping away, the familiar names would be important.
After the read I get the whole thing about Fred and your mother. Simple little things and they make me smile. I have some OCD issues and now I am aware of the FOFU and FOFS issues that may be on the horizon since the kids have gained two cats now. I may speak with you through email about the medication and such I should take if I come down with these.
I like the honesty you put in the diary and appreciate the fact that you have decided to share such things. To be honest, the reading of your entries gave me a nice break from all the dark and serious things I have been reading all day. All good things, but this was an easy feeling break.
Fred sure does have his share of experiences. Marking you is a dangerous thing, but I think you have already shown that you are this cat's possession. The counting of who was in the lead of the whole "Forbidden Table" incident was marvelouw. I am not a cat person, but I have enjoyed the reading of your diary on the infamous cat. Very well handled presentation. My reviews are purely on appeal. I find no sense in getting techinical in any way.
Well, I have decided to take the Fred train for a ride. This was another pleasant read about the cat. I think he is scaring you on purpose. After all, I saw him do it in 1999 as well.
The diary format works very well here. I am certain that these pieces in your portfolio are an attraction for animal lovers. Especially cat lovers. I like the fact that it is all truthful and personal.
You made a good selection of the things you chose to share and I actually feel as if I know this cat. Your love for him comes through nicely.
The fact that he urinated on the shoes though. Well, that is mean. Nice job of showing the personal side of your cat.
I have not read your things in a while and I stopped in and gave this one a look. I like the diary entries. September 23, 1999 was my favorite. Good start also "I had no gray hairs". Made me smile when I finished the entry.
This was a nice look at the cat. A pleasant read that was easy to follow and had a truthful feel, as I assume it is the truth, to it. Nicely done.
This was another great folder. This one holds very well written articles on various events. I particularly enjoyed the black plague one and the one on the prison. This folder is for anyone that would like to get a look at some real things. I will gladly check in down the road to see if this folder increases in size. This is a great read for those of us that love to get bits of knowledge when we can.
This is a piece that was very informative. I knew of some things, but was glad to see so much that was unknown by me put in place. You define the plague precisely, and then give a detailed outline of changes that occured. I say outline, but it is a defined and explained series of changes. Great gift of knowledge.
Suggestions/corrections
"life(,) as everyone had known it(,) ceased to exist," I think the comma is needed here.
"Given the vast number of deaths the Great Mortality (had) reaped" You can remove this.
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