I didn'y know what to expect as I started reading this story. The setting was so very clear. I got a great sense of the place through the details that gave it such a truthful feel.
You set an array of characters into this and developed each of them very well. You showed their strengths and weeknesses and set the reader's thoughts about those in the diner in stone. I knew who I liked and didn't like before you started to resolve the story.
Conflict showed up in many forms and you addressed several different thoughts. In the diner, we could see the conflicts of each group and person. It was great to see as they each left, that the crisis still remained in the groups.
The story had such a wonderful conclusion. You seemed to handle all of these conflicts with such directness that I was pleased. Each conflict resolved, for the time being anyway, in appropriate manners. The end with the little girl and the eyes was well crafted.
I did not see any errors in the story, everything held and traveled well. It was entertaining enough to hold my attention and it was genuine. I did not see any over the top issues that had to be fixed by some outlandish means. The individuals were handled with truth and I can see each of them. You did a very good job with the entire story. Carrying the whole blue through the story was brilliant.
I might have prefered to have hated Jimmy and Terry a little bit more. It would have been better to see even more darkness over them so that I would have jumped in joy over their endings. I was happy, but I wish I disliked them even more.
Good job at developing the main character. I see her develop from what she once was to what she now is. Beyond the fact that they now can communicate, I do not see any real development of him. It shows who he is, but what changes wxactly are there to develop him. The fact that they are just simply happy didn't seem to evolve from any great crisis overcome by the both of them. It is just getting older and accomidating the other person. There is no longer any conflict to grow the characters.
I appreciate the feeling expressed in this piece and the love that is there. I do not think they settled, but without any struggle at all, over anything, I do not see them overcoming anything to stay together or kep the love strong. It may just be my interpretation, but they seem to have decided that 'this is it, this is how it will be' and there doesn't need to be any diferences.
Anyway, this is a perfect demonstration of a loving relationship. The perfect vanilla that so many are looking for. Nice job in your creation of such a sound piece.
Suggestions/corrections
"You okay, (hon)?" I think this needs to be capitalized since it is considered naming.
You need a space between paragraph four and paragraph five.
Great thought here. I enjoyed thinking through this poem. You deliver the illusion well. Your verses each contribute to a diferent though and let the reader get the sense of this piece. You used simple lines, nothing over the top, and developed your idea in a sound way.
The read was easy and you held my attention as you defined what it is and how it is perceived.
You held good to the contests setting. Not a bad use of the 'l' words either. There did seem to be a little stretching in a spot or two, but nothing that messed with the poems makeup in any way. I can see the difficulty to start each line in this manner and still keep a poem that flows and stands up.
The rhythm staggered, but after my second reading of this I can see that is how you meant it to read. I was expecting something a little playful, but it was formal and well worded.
Well, I had to search and learn what filagree is, so that is already a plus. Please do not take this wrong, but I read this as a short story. That is what it is and it reminded me of a type of Suess story. Not the child meaning and such, but the same flow and feel. That was much of the fun, the reading of this in that style.
This has such a solid feel to it. I love the development as the poem pulls the reader through a family's history, marked by items they have all given over.
You used simple wording to draw strong lines to weave your story through. The rhyme works very well and the poem has a rhythm that keeps you involved in the poem. This poem actually feels as much as it says. It felt playful and held so much memory that it became very appealing.
This was an impressive tribute. The poem reads with some honor, makes the reader think on what your words are saying. The use of imagery that you have chosen comes through this with such a good sense of the wall.
Easy words and strong lines pul the reader through well crafted verses. Each verse demonstrates different thoughts on this, well a different sense of what the wall means. You made the meaning of this come through so very clearly.
The final verse drives the feelings home. It made me see something there that I had not thought on in the past. It is a knowledge of the effort that made the peace. Great work.
Nicely done with something that is close to so many of us. Your verses flow well and lead the reader though the events as they unfold. The words held me all the way through. I could feel the sense of this and you demonstrate such a use of words to stimiluate thoughts. I felt fear, sorrow, and such honor.
Your structure was handled well. Verses tell the reader what is happening at varied points, pulling them toward a guessed ending. You did not hide where this was heading and the fact that you did not do so makes this powerful.
There was nothing over the top to take away the simple, direct lines of the poem. You use an unsettled rhythm to make this read great.
This was absolutely a beautiful story. The telling of it in the letters made its impact that much greater. You developed Kira very well and getting to the island for both her and Grand as a story drive was brilliant.
This rings true. The emotion and the thought actually takes me bck to how I thought of my own grandmother. The love between them and the friendship came through warmly.
I would like to be able to sit here and pick things apart, give you some deep review about your structure, plot, and setting, but I do not have any such things to say. I am rating and reviewing this strictly on the impact and appeal that it had for me.
Anyone reading he public review page; IT WOULD BE WELL WORTH YOUR TIME TO READ THIS. Form an opinion. I found this amazing. Maybe overcome with the emotion, but being a strong man I will not make that claim. (between you and me only, my eyes were watering. Please do not let anyone else know.)
I hope you don't mind, but I have placed a link for this in my own file "My collection of authors on WDC. Shorts".
Suggestions/corrections
When the Kira is sending letters, she often uses formal speech instead of contractions. I do this too, but it would reader clearer as a child if contractions are used in the letters. You use them at times and then do not at times. Just letting you know.
"First(,) I could not get to see you for Thanksgiving" you need a comma here.
This is a great folder to get a look at this author and his/her look at the reviewing done. I think you addressed three important parts of showing an author what you think of the work they are doing; reviewing, rating, and GP distribution. This folder capably handles this very well.
I see this folder as a tool. It is an example of how you think and gives me something to use for ideas of my own. You have done two things here. The first is allowing me to see you; what you think about things, how you handle things, and what you think about reviewing. Second, I have a template to give me the ability to become a much stronger reviewer.
This is good information of how you rate items. Not only does it let me know about you, but it gives me an idea for my own rating. This can be used as a helpful tool for those of us trying to develop some type of rating system. I enjoyed taking a look and this piece works to lend me some valuable though.
To be honest this poem took me by surprise. I read the introduction, but wasn't quite certain how any misery my be shown in the thought of heaven. This was deep.
My rating and review of this are purely upon its appeal to me. I am not going into lines, words, or any structure. This poem has some real power. I could feel what the feelings were and I think this was very well written. I enjoy coming across something like this as I read. I hope you do not mind, but I have included a link to this poem in my own file "My collection of authors on WDC. Poetry". Thanks for letting me have a look. Very good.
Great start with setting the mind set of the woman. I like the fact that you let the reader know that she is confused, lost, and has memories both good and bad. You made her truthful and so human. Good touch. The sense of her mental structure is intense and left me wondering.
The whole thing holds your thoughts and feelings very well. It comes through with a sense of the despair the whole mind demonstrates. Good job.
Suggestions/corrections
"She was sitting with her head in her hands, waiting for a sign, or a prince, or some (other) mythical shining star" The word suggests that all signs and princes are mythic as well. You may want to remove other and leave the mythic image upon the shining stars.
"Loneliness and his cousin Misery regularly came to dine:" I see what you are doing here, but I think that removing 'his cousin' and altering the wording a bit may make this sound a bit smoother.
Graet visual imagery in this piece. You did a great job with describing December and the coloring of it. It came across very nicely.
The meaning in your short comes acros with such strength. I could actually feel the sense of this, the sadness behind the words. You did such a good job of describing the emotion without revealing any of the causes. That makes it linger in the readers thoughts. I want to know what caused this, why the emotion. Good job.
I could not see any problems that jump out and found the read to be smooth and truthful feeling.
Well, if nothing else, your view of depression comes through loud and clear. You words are clear, the lines are strong, and your meaning comes through perfectly. You have some thoughts here that could make this a very powerful poem, but I do not think the structure you chose gets the most power from your words.
It is all there, fully visible and rough. If that was the intention of this piece, you did an excellent job. I would suggest a little reworking, losing none of the strength, and drive it home. These are just thoughts from another person on the site. Opinions are what they are, another's thoughts on your idea. Good luck and keep up the writing.
I did have to look up deer scat when I started this read, but I learned something new. I like the idea of the story, but think you should give the reasons for cubs existing and such. Does she only change at night? I have always thought this was so, but could not exactly tell either way. I figured she did as the story starts with her at night.
You did a good job with some of her development, but think you are just skimming the surface. The background needs to be pulled into the story a little more so we, as readers, have a better sense of her. I liked the explaination of her name. Did she take it or was it given to her though?
This story has some real potential and I would love to be invited back for a read after you have completed it. Good work.
Suggestions/corrections
I did not care for the use of "auto-pilot". I get it and I know why it was used, but it does not seem to fit. Strange thing, but it took me out of the read for a second. I am not sure how it can be changed, but if you can find one it would benefit the story.
"At least since (here) parents had succumbed" I think you meant 'her' in this spot.
"Her sensitive nose dectected something else(.) Humans" I believe you need a semi colon here instead of the period.
"She instinctively scrambled (backward) and turned to flee," I would make this simply 'back'.
"and she was breathing shallowly" You may want to use "and her breath was shallow." It reads better I think.
"Now(,) her own two starving cubs might well be the last of the lycan race." You need a comma here.
I would give the story a reread and look at how to combine some of the sentences in it. You have two or more sentences carrying the same points and you could combine them to make the poem have a better flow.
You have some good thoughts here. I like the imagery and the sense that I receive during my read. Though it does read very well, it does not seem to flow strongly. I felt that it sort of stuttered a bit in the lines. It works, passes your idea on very nicely. I got the feel similiar to what I do in a haiku. True, this isn't that type of poem, but that was the thoughts it projected. You may want to try the haiku structure with some of this very same information.
The poem was an easy read, the words and lines left me with a clear picture of what was being said. Your delivery works, but stutters just a bit. I am not certain if it is intentional or not. Overall, I found it to be a good poem. Something that I did enjoy taking a look at.
This was a very good review. I like that you thought it through and delivered a good opinion on the movie. I like the fact that you are a fan and you paid attention to what your were actually watching. Sometimes it feels like that is not the case. Good job with the review.
This is a very interesting thought. You come across strong with your idea. I can feel the emotion and see what this was meaning. I would have liked to have seen a little more, but your made your point well in this form. It reads very nicely and has a good sense to it. Nicely done.
A good job with the emotions behind this poem. It has a controlling feel to it. The moth and flame shows a sense of danger within the desire for the fufillment. The character seems to think little of herself. I am not certain that is what you are saying, but that is the feel to the poem. Only with him is she whole. I see nothing that shows her strength. The poem reads well. Good words and lines and a very easy rhythm. Good job.
I see what the thought is here. You deliver your feel very well, but I think you need to expand and organize your thoughts a little to get the full potential out of this. It has some very promising aspects to it and with a little smoothing out, this can become great. Good luck.
I am rating this folder with the intention of showing what my thoughts on the collection of shorts you included within. The stories were different and each had their own feel. You put a nice collection together here and I was glad to have taken a look at the contents. This is a good folder for anyone wanting to read some good shorts to stop in and take a read. Very well done and it was my pleasure to have taken a look.
The flow to your poem was sommth. It t went along nicely with a good rhytm and a rhyme that did not seem foreced. The lines lend your thoughts and sense to the poem. I like the whole feel of the strings and music. It made the poem come across very soft.
That being said. I can see the dark just beyond the surface, but it seems held off by a subtle hope. Good imagery. I think this was well written, being your only poem.
A good look from your eyes at Lancaster. A bit of historic significance and seeing things through your eyes. YOu did a good job at bringing me the sense of the experience. I would have liked to have seen a little bit more of a personal involvement. It comes across well, but I could not decide fully how to take it all in. Good job.
This was a very well written short. It managed to hold my attention and drove me to read it in anticipation. I do not care for the fact that there was not any kind of resolution to the events, insinuated, but nothing conclusive.
The woman does not come across strong, but that seems to make the story work on a deeper level. Good job and I enjoyed the read.
Suggestions/corrections
"Before my husband did me(,) what he termed(,) a favour and let me find him floating in a bathtub" You need the commas in these places.
This piece holds a lot of your personal thoughts, feelings, and experience. Takes a little courage to put something like that out there for the viewing. Nicely done. I would have liked o see a description, in depth I mean, of what the medical problem is; what it is causing, how it effects the mental state, and such. I understand that you may feel a little uncomfortable with going way deep into it, but I think it would give everyone an even stronger sense of you.
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