Great prologue. You capture the reader with a quick piece. The sentences were well written, seldom taking me out of the flow. There seem to be a few places where you may want to combine sentences, but nothing that is a must. I would have liked to have seen a bit more of the scene. I wanted to feel the tension a bit more and I think the last two paragraphs could be shortened into a quick single paragraph that lets us know it is a dream/vision. Reading two paragraphs sort of drained away the sense of the prologue. Only a thought. In the prologue, you pulled me into the need to see what this story is about. You remained on point, not adding anything that took away from the moment. This was a very nice job. Good story hook through the reading of the prologue.
Chapter one holds up pretty well. A little choppy with the use of so many short sentences, buut your thoughts on the story come through well. You weave a very nice setting, leaving me with the feel for the events that are beginning to start off in this. Quite a bit of action to keep me reading and I really enjoyed the end. I like how you pull us into the next part with him confused and the light fading. Very well done.
Overall: I would combine sentences and make the read a little less choppy. Give your character a little more contact with the reader. You are where you need to be, butu I am not wrapped up in him fully. Good use of dialogue between Rolandt and Mernith. There is quite a bit of potential here and the story reads nicely so far. When Mernith vanishes, the images are absolutely brilliant. All you need is a little work. Nothing big jumped out at me and I think you have a very promising piece here. Good luck.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) "They were howling, calling out for him, hungry for his soul.(:) They wanted his blood." I would put a colon here and add these two sentences as a continued thought.
2) "He ran. Swiftly, and harder than he had ever before in his life, he ran." I think you should try something here like 'He ran, more swift and harder than he had ever before in his life.' Not much, but using 'he ran' twice is a bit repetitive.
3) "His knees (finally) gave way underneath him, and he stumbled." Remove the finally here. Make it an active sentence stating the gave way only.
4) Using 'a' to note the young man seems a little off. "The young man" is more precise to a reader. The 'a' made it seem that there is no connection between reader and character. He is just 'a' and not 'the'.
5) Too much 'Brother'. It is a personal connection, but it would read better if you alternated the word a bit here and there.
This is a very good personal piece. It does have some work that needs to be done with the grammer. Though this was appealing, I think that you should expand on the difficulties and overcoming those difficulties. Allow us, as readers, connect with you. There is a connection. but give us the 'you" sense of it. You are telling this is first person and I want to see how you felt, how things were difficult for your, and how you chose to overcome any of these difficulties. Great start. Remember to stay within yourself and let us come along. I would very much like to see this as you add to the story of you. Good luck.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) "Oh(,) its not really that interesting" I was just letting you know that you needed a comma here.
The flow of this poem staggers a bit in the read, tkaing me away from focussing on what you were putting down. From what I see, the poem has a good thought to it. Some good lines are here that have the stregth to deliver your feelings about this.
Overall: I like what this poem represents. I think that a little more work is needed and the general flow is somewhat of a problem in the read. I am rating this a four, as I am between a 3.5 and 4, but suggest that you may want to get a better feel to the rhythm and bring your sense out with more power.
I really like the sense of this poem. I was actually taken away in your words. The lines travel really well and left me with a mystic sense. I got the night, the moon, and the freedom that seems to be waiting in the night.
Overall: The words are simple, nothing flowery or over the top that takes away from the feel of what is out there. The poem has a nice rhythm that gives this a somber flow. It does not seemed pushed, the words just let the reader glide through the night. Very well done.
I like the thought here. It expressed a bit simply, but your feelings in regards to music comes through. I see some deeper potential with this, maybe some lengthening. I think it may be that I am not certain what the target reader is. It reads a bit lite for deeper poetry, but has a significance in the background that exceeds lesser audiences.
Overall: The poem reads well. Your sense is clear in your lines, but the poem itself seems to have the potential to reach two seperate groups of readers. I think that you shjould decide the reading group you want and adjust to come across clearer. I beleve there is some real stregngth behing what you are wanting to express. With some flowering of the languae and a more wondering feel. I think you will reach a larger group. The lines should read like music to let the reader connect with you.
I absolutely love the second verse. The waves and then the rain are great images and sound production. I would have liked to see more verses with the feel of this one. Just a little work and freer flowing sense.
Overall: Simple words make this an easy read. The lines hold on point and show us the sense of this piece. It feels a little lite, but holds up nicely. The reader gets what you are expressing here and you define the love so very well. The rhythm holds up and the rhymes do feel forced.
This story works well for such a short piece. I would have liked to have seen a little more development of your charcater. I think the story needs to let the reader connect with him.
Overall: The story was an easy read. It was direct and just a little to quick to the point. I think you need to tap into the potential this has, give us more of the tension and a better connection with the character. I love the sense of this. The fcat that the demon hunter is where he is was great.
This short has the warnth of emotion you intended, but seemed to come up a little short in the very end. I love the idea of this and think it just needs a bit of work to reach its true potential. It has so much untapped potential. I would have liked to see her thoughts more during the trip; how she was feeling about everything as they move along. Give her some more human feel. You touch on it. The happy to see colors appealed to me very much.
Overall: The story has some potential that will take a little more writing to fully reach. The idea is a sound one. The story is appealing, heartwarming, heartbreaking, and has a truthful feel to it. This could honestly be something simply spectacular. I wanted to cry here. I wanted to see the feeling from her and the love the couple had in such a way that I could do nothing but cry. This is only my opinion. This is well written and flows nicely, but seems just a bit empty. It is here and I think this is a beautifu idea. I will gladly come back and take a look if you do decide to give it a few changes. I wish you luck. You have something really special behind this.
Interesting turn of events here. I appreciate the information you gave us on Vincent, the fact that he would kill her ex if he knew. Though we do not see Vincent, I think you give us this loyalty nicely.
The story works in this chapter, defining her conflict and setting her outside the norm. You show her struggle with the manager nicely. I am thankful that any other payment option was not taken as it would have taken away from your story. I would have liked to see some more apprehension from her when he wakes her though. This scene, while good for the story drive, seems a little pushed. She just gives in too quickly and most mothers would have been far more hesitant than she is here.
Ean became a bit more eerie in this. You did a good job with Abby's reaction to him. Lets us see something there and makes us want to know what exactly it is.
Overall: The description of Abby brought her to life. The imagery was brilliant. This chapter deepens the reader's wonder of Ean and traveled nicely. The story seems to be progressing without any hickups. Hard to stay on point some times when writing, but you are doing a good job. Ean's commanding presence and Abby's reaction to him held my interest. The story reads well and there is nothing far out fantastic to pull me away from the story.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) "as the coffee shop(')s proprietor discreetly" you missed the apostrophe.
The first chapter of this travels very smoothly. Good hook in the beginning with all the young men doing the things young men, gathered together, typically do. Inappropriate, but a strong sense of the truth in what you wrote. Good hook with all that.
Overall: I really enjoyed the start of your story. You did not develop Erin yet as much as I would have liked, but you have written a chapter that held my attention all the way through. Good conclusion. It has the pull for the reader toward seeing future events. The setting was well done and the dialogue bits felt truthful. There was nothing over the top or out of the ordinary in most of the dialogue.
I think that the pull this guy has is something worth reading for. She seemed to just go along with his decision to go for coffee and, even though she did not know him, she did not seem to uncomfortable with the choice. Again, nice start and I will definitely continue my reading of this.
Very well written for a piece aimed at children. The lines flow really well and the rhyme is alluring. I can see images through your words and like the quick, steady rhythm the poem holds. Though in poem formatting, it works as would a story. Character develops, meets conflict, overcomes with his own drive to get to the pizza, and a happy conclusion for the puppy. Very appealing.
This is well written. The story flows well and nothing of bad grammer jumped out at me. YOu have the setting developed well and give us the woman and a demanding husband. That being said, I think I need to see the regret feel the suppression going on within her. There are touches, but it just doesn't overpower me in any way. I like the thought behind the piece and can see what you are trying to show us, but think about giving us a little more reflection on the regrets.
Not bad at all. This poem has a soft feel to it and a very familiar sense of the wind. You deliver your thoughts on the wind nicely and I can see, as a reader, of what you are speaking of.
Overall: The poem has some great feeling to it. The thoughts are clear and you meaning is seen. Simple words and strong lines develop this well. I was unhappy with the second verse. Its meaning is there but the wording just seems to take me out of my read. The poem's flow juggle a bit in that verse.
This was a wonderful story for children. I and my daughter enjoyed reading this very much.
Overall: This story works well. The nose snail, the dinosaur or dragon, the candles and their heat causing moods, and the crying thing are brilliant. You developed Trinity nicely. She has a truthful feel to her, the disbelief, but still wondering if it could be so is accurate. The conclusion is good. We see Trinity's uncertainty and the story end without any other elaboration. The piece is well written, only a few things as far as grammer goes. I appreciate you letting me take a look at this. Keep up the good work and I wish you luck.
I hope you do not mind, but I including a link to this short in my own file "My collection of authors on WDC. Shorts".
Suggestions/Corrections
1) "or a dragon...in our ear and I shall tell you why(.)" You are missing the period at the end of this sentence. Nothing big, I just wanted to let you know.
2) "The only thing he carries is a large bag out of carpet" This sentence doesn't sound right it may need to be "large bag made from carpet" or something similiar.
This was actually a pretty fun piece. My five year old enjoyed the reading. She liked the repetition in the letters. People often try to stay away from aliteration, but you did a nice job with it here.
Overall: Good character development. You show us a truthful feeling girl and it is a very important thing in order to make this story work so well. The conflict is there and her attempt to resolve the conflict pulls the reader along. I like the conclusion, though would have liked to seen maybe two other things that make her fail as a flying fairy before she resolve to be a skipping fairy. The skipping is a child attracting end. Good work.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) I think this would read better if the numbers 5, 15, and 50 were written out. Using the numbers instead of word takes away from the alliteration a bit. Not the sound of it, the reading of it. Numbers instead of words look make the story look different.
Your sense comes through very well in this poem. You did a good job with the feeling here and the thoughts behind this piece are clear.
Overall: The poem is an easy read. The lines are strong and the poem has a good flow that holds up. You delivered this nicely, both the erotic and the thoughts of what is happening. I would have liked to see something of more personal expression. I get what the poem is telling me, but do not feel like it wraps me in it. Nothing major, maybe just a verse or two added to what you already had could bring that in.
This chapter stepped back from the investigation and introduced us to a directly personal side of the detectives. We get to see them in different enviroments and witness them interacting with others.
The dialogue through the chapter held up well. I like how you made Bryce politely clumsy, a bit unprepared for sudden emotional involvement of any kind. I like the fact that he is not a one night stand guy. You give him some moral fiber. The characters developed nicely here and I was able to make a more personal, real life connection with them.
This is simply a wonderful piece that will be getting a rating of 2.5 from me. (Wink) I am like you, I do not really care about the stars except when they contradict the review. Your point is well made as I am getting annoyed just thinking it over. I am a person that would rather take a beating in a review because those are the reviews that actually help. I want people to find something wrong and tell me. Saying everything is great and then getting a 3 or 3.5 is gut wrenching.
You deliver your points very well. Your feeling shows in what you are saying. The stars are a curse. I wish you would have also addressed the ratings with no reviews, how somebody rates something low when you have edit points attached and they leave nothing, and the wonderful rating with just an "I really liked this" and nothing else.
I am going to end my review since I am spiralling out of control. Your piece has got me all worked up. This is a definite must for anyone involved in reviewing or just rating. Read something like this and pay attention to what you are doing. I enjoyed the read, but not the feeling I am wrapped up in at the moment. Great job, and I mean it. THIS IS A MUST READ fellow members of WDC. And I hate giving fives.
Great chapter. I am not sure that the in and out of the story between the two settings is woking for me as well as it should. Other than that, I like how the investigation is evolving. Good description of Stern right off during her introduction. Part of a good detective story revolves around the investigation and you are handling that nicely.
Good end to the chapter. You leave us with Stern's evaluation. Good drive for the remainder of the story.
Another great chapter. In this one, you humanize him, let us see who he is. This also mixes things up a bit for the reader, making me wonder what is behind everything here.
Overall: This chapter travels well off the first one. We go from the crime scene and getting to know the two detectives in the first chapter to the darkness of the prisoner in this chapter. This reads well, giving us a look at him and then showing the start of the exact thing we saw in the prologue. This chapter is a good drive for the story. We all expect what is coming next for the girl, but there are so many other questions now left in my mind. Good pull at the very end of the chapter to get your readers to continue.
Good start to the detective story. It has all the makings from the start. The crime scene is delivered very well. Good description of the event and good use of the people involved in the scene. Nothing over stated, so it feels right. You did not take action away from Callahan or Pancamo.
Overall: The first chapter holds the reader nicely. We get the crime scene, the precinct house interaction between your two main characters, and then you end it in the medical examiner. Although I think you developed the characters mental make up very well, I was left without much of them on a physical view. Tiny pieces that give us there makeup, but no physical appearence. I think I need this to make a better connection. I like the story, but I do not see the main characters very well. The medical examiner and the dead body are great. I need some of that.
This is a nicely created story. From this start, I see some real promise. It held my interest through the read today. You developed Izzie very well. Nothing just written down for our information, but through her actions and thoughts.
Overall: Great setting and I loved the whole God's Country" stuff. I like the character development and think you did very well with the pieces of dialogue in this. It gets hold of the reader and will keep interest for anyone as you add to it. Good job so far.
One of my favorite lines "I asked as an obese woman passed, waving politely with her middle finger." This made me laugh. Such a laid back view of this. Great job.
I am still laughing, but I can image the emails you get from some people in regards to this. Funny!
Overall: It looks like a recipe that might work. If I had all the things I needed, I would give this a try. Good rhythm, good rhyme, and this poem is so easy to follow and enjoy just to enjoy. I give this one a strong recommendation. I hope you do not mind, but I have included a link to your poem in my own file "My collection of authors on WDC. Poetry".
Not exactly what I thought until I was finished. I have to say that you did a wonderful job with your words here.
Overall: The poem has a nice rhythm and a great flow. Simple words within strong lines bring your sense throuigh clearly in this. I enjoyed the read and think you did a nice job. The ending was a strong conclusion and are very good lines.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dwc99999/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/7
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.33 seconds at 11:54pm on Jul 01, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
