I do like this story, but was left without being able to fully grasp if there was something hidden in the read that I missed. The witch doesn't tell you what danger the horse would posses and then there is no explaination to the thought you leave the reader with, "who had really tricked me, the horse, the queen, or both." Rethinking the read I still cannot see what either would have gained by tricking or how she was tricked. Without this sentence, I was completely comfortable with a story of a good deed that actually rescued two, one without realizing it until the knock at the door. It may just be me, but at least you have me rehashing what I read and forced me to take one more look. I cannot set the thought aside. It's the OCD issues and you, mam, or diving me nuts with this thought. That with a smile, no hostility.
Overall: The story has a nice, dreamlike feel to it. The events and characters are not typical to everyday life and left a sense of the odd, dreammy feel to it. The setting is believable, the read is easy, and the characters have an honest feel to them. This is a very well written piece and has all the aspects of a short, but has a conlusion that left me puzzled.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) "The luminous wall had no gate or windows but I noticed a simple wooden ladder leading up the side of the wall." I apologize, but the use of wall twice here is throwing the read off a bit for me. I don't know how you could or if you would want to alter the sentence, but wanted to let you know my thoughts as a reader.
Let me start by saying, point well taken.
This story was delivered so well and held my attention through the entire read. Honestly, this story left me thinking. I completely get it.
Overall: The story flows very nicely. There aren't any hickups that throw the reader off and the sequence of events travel beautifully. You kept the two characters simple, you and Mr. Stone, and they were easy to get a feel for. The setting is clear and the story moves without stumbling. The tittle fits the story nicely. I know you gave the reason for the name at the end and, though the footnote imposed a little in my thoughts, I fully understand why you pointed it out. I think you could have left it out and have avoided imposing your definition, letting the reader take it for what they think. I was close on my perception of how he was named and why, but not exact. I would give the reader the opportunity to let them associate with the name as they will. The conclusion delivers a solid thinking point. Brilliantly done in how you did so.
What I liked: The fact that the purple flower spoke was great. It even fits with the story. I would expect that it would seem strange and cause a reader to wonder, but it gave the story a bit of a mystical feel that is already present in the readers thoughts on Mr. Stone and the gift he suposidly offers.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) "how some crazy(,) old hermit" You need a comma here to make both adjectives associate with the noun.
2) "A little old man was sitting on top of the rock(,) smiling at me." Comma here as well.
I love the idea here. This has such a truthful feel and I can see that you handled telling your story with an exact, on point story. Leaving the troll in Sterling is an accomplishment easily attatched to the thinking of a young person. The end was a little fluff, but leaves a good feel in the readers mind. I think I would have liked to have seen the owner look a little more like a troll to give the story the possibility that it actually happened to him. Truth is truth however, and I completely understand that these are your impressions. This was a nice telling of a life story.
To be honest, I was taken by surprise with Kathleen's ability. I think you did a wonderful job in walking us through the events. You developed the characters well, nothing deep, but enough that we see defined personalities. I enjoyed the fact that Kathleen heard his thoughts about the morons. Good play with that bit. The story setting was great. I could feel this place and the images remained fresh in my thoughts as I was reading.
Overall: The story is a great read. It is simple and pulls the reader through without any wild runs away from the substance of the story. The end was left open. We are told what Kathleen plans, but are allowed to use our own imagintaions as to how it will play out. I like the fact that you did that here. Being familiar with Kathleens character, it is easy to see her doing this. Very good story.
I was surprised that your ghost story actually had a rather humorous ending. The dialogue reads well, good use of wordig and such. The scene where she comes at them and is a skull full of holes felt odd for some reason. It may have been that it seemed a little light and I wasn't expecting the switch in a single sentence.
Overall: You developed the brothers through your use of dialogue and the way they interact with the house. I clearly see two men with a seperate sense to them. I loved the ghost laughing at him without making a noise. That would just be plain unerving. The sentences flow well and the read was an easy one. The story is not overdeveloped and makes a quick read that ends with a bit of a smile. Great ending.
This was a great folder of your flash fiction work. I liked reading your things here and am impressed with how well each story was delivered. "Kelli" and "Dreamcatcher" were my favorites. This was a place that a reader can get a good look at your style. The fiction was all very different and allowed me to see how well you approached each one of them. This is a good spot for anyone wanting to get a quick, feel good read.
Good flash. This holds up well as the mystery/ghost story that it is. I knew something was gong on, but you held my attention very well. The story is delivered with a good feel and on point. The wrap up was good. This story is short and reads very well. I was pleasantly surprised at its appeal.
This one made me laugh. I get the picture and can see it so very clearly. This was short and delivered right on point. The ending, an actual slap in the face of an adult, is perfect. Good job in presenting this real event in such a pleasant manner. It was well worth the read.
Ha, this was an absolutely wonderful story. I enjoyed your development of Kelli. The words felt real and there was such truth here that I fell in love with your story. You gave the kindergarten girl everything that she needed: frustration, clear thinking in her own mind, and the boy thing. This is a short piece, but delivered. I added a link to this story in my own file "My collection of authors on WDC. Shorts". Thanks for the great read.
I thought the idea for this flash was very good. That being said, it came across way too light I think. Maybe it is the perception I had that a story like this should be darker, but it felt a little off. The off take of the vampire stereotyps was a nice touch. I like the two characters, defined in normal, everyday roles of teens. The end was a bit predictible. I would liked to have seen a tighter, darker story, but you did a decent job with the number of words you used.
I love this flash. The start does not bring about the conclusion I was expecting. I was honestly caught offguard by this story. You did a wonderful job pulling me in with the start. You projected a cruel, heartless killer and then switched it to something familiar in what he was doing. The conclusion was great. I loved the inclusion of all the insects as they get revenge. Beautiful.
For the number of words used, this was a nice piece. You developed the story nicely: character introduction, the conflict in the dreamcatcher, and then a good conclusion that leaves the full outcome up to our imagination.
This read easy and kept on point through the story. You did a good job with so few words, but the outcome can go either way. No full resolution. A perceived resolution, yes, but I am left without knowing for certain. It works here, but leaves me wanting a sound conclusion.
This part has a good use of suspense. I like the grass grabbing them and Rebecca's power and the fear the creature provokes. You did a good job in using these things to move the story along.
Jim's character has a good feel. I think you work with him very well. He comes across trutful. I can see the type of man you have written him to be. My only thought is that you could have made the scene at the house more dramatic, had it drive a hard feel home. It works, but I think that with a little bit more there, you could make that scene even more powerful.
Disappointed that the story is incomplete, but I fully understand. I will be stopping back to take a look as more is added to this. I like the story and with a little polishing it has some really spectacular potential. Good luck.
Well, that explains why Amanda looks at it differently. Born after the event. I was counting wrong. Good job devising a way to work the diary around the family after the events at the house in Savannah in the third part.
Overall: Great dialogue. Here, we get a better eplaination of what was going on with the family. The dad having the sight is a logical explaination for the events and the fact that he is affraid because of it. I really like Amanda. The magic pull works and it was great that you have her feeling something for both her sister and her grandmother. This portion is one of the stronger parts of your story. It leaves enough questions that the reader will continue to read.
Perfect hook to end this part. The fact that Rebecca may be alive in some way is wonderful. I am anxious to see it through.
Good, strong part here. The dialogue reads true and the conflict that needs to be resolved grows some legs. I really enjoyed the use of the graveyard and the other sister showing up. You give us a good lead into the rest of the story. I am wondering why the two sisters have such a different way of thinking about the diary. Nathan needs a little more development. He feels a little shallow. I understand that he is a side character, but he does seem to have a lot of involvement and the reader should be allowed to get a better sense of him. Melissa is developing nicely. She has determination and a sense of right that makes her a good character.
I was undecided how I felt about this portion being written through the diary entries. I reread it and was able to see the strength it adds to the story. It is a really good pull for this part of the story.
Overall: This portion reads well. The story drops back in time and gives us the setting through the eyes of the girl writing in it. The story travels nicely from the first part and has a strong pull to bring the reader to part three. I am interested in seeing what will come of the visit to Savannah and what happened to the members of her family after so many years. Very good job in keeping the reader involved and leaving enough for us to want more.
Ha, I liked the "Dark Shadows" reference. That was at the start of my TV days. So many years ago. The story has a good feel to it. I would have prefered a strong hook in the start, but what is there had me interested. The figure floating and the house come across with such an eerie sense. Nothing scary, just that "this isn't a place to be" feel.
Overall: The story travel well in this first part. I think Melissa should be a little more developed, but I see that there is much more to read. I want to make sure I get a feel for her. Good job with the dog. This first part ends with a good pull. The book she has in mind to read leads us to the next part to see what may arise. Mr. Miller comes across nicely as a character to push the story. He is there to help with the car and give the information about the house. He did not seem to overstep his need in the story.
After reading this part, I am looking forward to seeing where your story goes. You gave away just enough to get interest. Good job.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) "muddy(,) country road" You are missing a comma here to make both adjectives describe the noun.
2) You shifted out of tense quite often. It felt odd in a few places, but nothing that took me fully out of the read.
This is an absolutely wonderful folder that I would suggest anyone interested in poetry take a look at. The poems are all short and to the point. There isn't any long, epic poems that take a long time to get fully wrapped up in. These are all wonderful pieces and are put together so that anyone can stop in and take a look at this author. I am not big into poetry and cannot say what problems there are and aren't, but I enjoyed my read through this folder and my opinion is that of a reader. Very good work here.
This was a pleasant look at halloween. I did not have an eerie feeling, but was oddly smiling when I finished reading this. You imagery again is great. Through the description you map out in your lines, I can see this all happening. (Though what I see is darker that what you actually have written.
Overall: The poem has a nice pace to it. It reads very smooth and did not have any lines that caused me to stagger in my read. Though it isn't a dark Halloween in this, it comes across as it should. It feels like a soft look at witches, and they usually do not get a soft look.
The images in this piece were brilliant. You took simple, everyday things and crafted a beautiful picture. That is how I look at this poem, as a painting. I can hear it, see it, and feel it. This one touched me. It has such an honest sense to it.
Overall: Each line paints a picture. Dragonflies, birds, the mountains, and the aspens and the pines. The read is smooth and the lines deliver such power. I am not big into poetry, but something like this makes me glad I always give it a try. BEAUTIFUL!
Wow, very nicely delivered. I think you carried the poem's sense from the first line to the last. As your other poems, simple words and very strong, direct lines. No need for anything fancy that would stray from what is meant here.
Overall: This is a very easy read. The lines have some real power, but are delivered in a soft tone, nothing dramatic. The rhymes did not feel forced and each verse delivers a different aspect of what is in the eyes.
What I liked:
"A warrior's cold and steely gaze,
And love alight with passion's blaze."
this verse gives me the thought of someone of duty and strength and exits with passion. This verse appealed to me strongly. Very nice.
I like what the poem is saying, but if I didn't already know what a sequoia looked like I would have had the wrong image in my head. I am not sure how to suggest you add to this to bring the tree to life, but I think the image of what it looks like would have made the poem click just a bit more.
Overall: I did not get an image in my reading. I got the sense of the tree, but it could have been an oak or a redwood. The use of age and the size of the tree comes across nicely. I like the fact that you held tree to mountain to human life. So short life becomes in comparison. The feel of this poem is majestic and left me overwhelmed. My only thought is the tree's appearence. I see a giant, but nothing else.
This one gave me an eerie feeling. Your lines are strong and they delivered your thoughts wonderfully. You kept it simple, nothing over the top to try to grab a reader. The eerie feeling crept up on me as I read along. The final verse was a great ending. I like how the crow promotes life and still holds to a darkened image.
Overall: You delivered your sense right on point. The verses were clean and give the reader a feel for the bird, or our normal image of a crow. The end was a bit of a surprise. I never expected, after the other verses made the crow dark, to have it promote life. Very good job with this. This poem was well worth the read.
I actually read through this twice to take it all in. The images you paint are wonderful. I can see the events from your lines and verse. I think using lovers in this format was brilliant. You demonstrated life and death very well. The verses show us nothing about destruction or evil, but the soft pull of both sides.
Overall: The poem is easy to read, but hickups occasionally in some lines. It throws of the read a little, but the feel of the poem is not taken away. The lines stay on point and each verse defines the relationship between the two. I read your description of the picture this was from, but the image you left me with is grand. Very nicely handled.
This is a very soft poem that delivers your sense of the tree very well. I enjoyed the second verse most. The idea of the snow and description left me with a gorgeous image.
Overall: The poem has a steady rhythm that holds up through the entire read. The feelings are real and there is a natural truth in the lines. Though the piece reads well, I had to look up the cottonwood tree to get what it was about. Beyond the bulbs that blow away, I had no idea what I was trying to picture. That was my only empty spot. The poem has a good feel to it and left me with a sense of peace when I was done reading.
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