This is a very interesting poem. There seems to be more than one way to take all and I enjoyed the feel I gathered from it. We all know that interpretations are not always on the money, but I will keep mine to deliver this poem's appeal to me personally.
Overall: The poem has a good feel. It is an easy read, but the understandng is a bit muddled. It works for what the poem is expressing however and I enjoyed that fact. This is a poem I will recommend to other authors at WDC. Stop in, give this a good read, and let the author have your thoughts.
I am reviewing this poem strictly on its appeal to me. The imagery was beautiful and I enjoyed such an easily understood read. This author delivers a poem with some real meaning and strength. The sentences all delivered the sense of this peace and the poem had a soft, dreamlike flow to it. I was really impressed with the feel of this.
I hope you do not mind, but I have included a link to this poem in my own file " My collection of authors on WDC. Poetry". If you are comfortable with it being there, let me know and I will remove it. Again, I personally enjoyed this piece.
I like this as a feel good push. Something like this has the opportunity to give a reader some reflection on what they are doing and maybe motivate them to greater heights. I enjoyed reading through this poem.
Overall: The poem had a decent flow, only staggered in a place or two, but nothing that really disrupts the read. The thoughts in here are positive, seeking to allow the reader to give some inner thought on the words they write. The rhyme felt a little forces in a spot or two, but works well through the poem. The author's thoughts on what it is to be a poet come through nicely and make a lot of sense. Very well done.
This poem is an easy read. It is short and has a very strong rhythm until the last four lines. I liked how this started with the questions and answers. Good use of the lines to make the answers stand out as they do. I had trouble with the sense of this though. At first, I thought it was love and desire and was looking forward to how it would turn out. By the end, I felt as is this was someone passing the blame, maybe someone that wants control. There is some very strong potential in this, but you need something more to get the reader in. I was confused at the end. Perhaps a little reworking of the final lines might get your point across better. I will gladly rereview it if you do make any changes. It is right on the cusp, but needs something more to give it that little extra. Good luck.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) "it's (a) because of you." I think you have a typo here with the 'a'.
The author delivers a really personal, powerful piece here. You truth here is a very strong thing. A reader will be able to connect with your own feeling of despair and your wanting to kill yourself. Something like this puts the tragic event of your friend's death into perspective. The lines feel honest, the emotion feels real, and anyone that has teetered on this edge will find an even deeper meaning here than the rest of us. This is something that honors your faith in your God and proves that there are other things working. Very nicely handled in this prose.
I am reviewing this on its appeal to me. I am smiling. This was a fun poem. A little light, but fun. I like the final verse most. The rest is good, but the last verse fely youthful in the way it was written. This would be something I can suggest for children. There are a few points they may not fully appreciate, but the fun in this will win them over. I did enjoy this read and think others on WDC might want to drop in and give this a quick read and review.
My fisrt time through, I was wondering just how I felt about the poem. I waited a few minutes and reread it. The second time through it stuck. I think it was the stuttering flow that threw me off at first, but when I absorbed what the poem is about, uncertainty and awkwardness, the way the structure is works very well to deliver your thoughts on this. The sense of this pieces comes through in the staggering lines.
Overall: The poem is meant to be taken in without trying to get a meaning from each specific line. Mixed together, the meaning of this comes through. Thinking on it too hard as you read, will mess up the poem's feel. After I got it, I can say that I honestly appreciate what you have given us. The words are easy and display what is transpiring here in a believeable manner. At the end, I just shook my head yes. I really enjoyed how you bring something like this this to light. Well done.
I am rating this solely on its appeal to me. I love the old school spankings. I knew, forty years ago, how to listen to my parents, or at least learned how to not get caught. The description was very well handled. I like the mongoose reference most. The balance between the spankings and the batter mix is something missing a bit in today's world I think. I was happy to see something that brought up some of my own memories. This is a great personal piece and I can recommend it to anyone wanting to get a personal, family oriented work. This was well worth the read.
There are some minor grammer points, but beyond those, this is very well written. I really enjoyed reading this.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) "Mom(')s wooden spoon" you forgot the apostrophe. No biggie, just thought I would let you know. It does not take away from this.
2) "It's long(,) thin handle comma needed as this is two adjectives describing handle.
Your points on God are well made in this prose. To be honest, I was a little confused to the fact that arrogance is used here. You made no statement in this piece suggesting that you kow more or are better than God, so the arrogance seems a strange word. Not wanting to bother God would be perhaps an esteem issue, you not seeing yourself worthy of his time. I do not mean this in a negative way, but arrogance popping up tilted my thinking as I read through this. I see that you state it as arrogance because you are unwilling to receive all his gifts. Do you see yourself as to good to receive the gifts are do you see it as not wanting to ask for more than you feel you deserve? It is my opinion only, but the word throws me a bit.
Overall: This prose is very well written. It delivers the writers thoughts clearly and is not riddled with high sounding words and complictaed sentences. A reader gets what this autor is saying and is left with something to think upon in the end. I love the portion that states what God wants to be involved with. This lets a reader know that it would not be a burden to include God in such things. Nicely stated. The author touches on forgiveness, gives information handed to him by his pastor, and concludes this with a solid indictation that he no longer dwells on not wanting to ask.
This is a very good piece of prose. I enjoyed reading this and feel that the author delivers something powerful. There was nothing over the top to grab attention. It was simple, easy to read, and had such honest strength to it. I am grateful that whatever caused this difficulty is in no way revealed here. That made this piece all that more important to me as I read it. The reader will be able to connect with this on so many levels. I could see myself in this authors words. Just wonderful.
I hope you do not mind, but I have included a link to this in my own file " My collection of authors on WDC. Poetry". Please let me know if you need me to remove it.
As a reader, and one that is not so gifted in poetic forms, I found this very appealing. A few grammer points need to be addressed, but they take so little away from what this author is saying. I give this a strong recommendation and hope that other reviewers will stop in, take a quick read of this short prose, and give this newbie your thoughts. Review people. This is worth the time.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) "cry a little at the losses (that) we both have suffered." I am not sure why, but 'that' seems to pull away from the sentence a little. The sentence feels stronger if you took the word out. It really isn't a big deal, but I wanted to let you know.
2) Actually, you can remove 'that' in other places as well. The word seems to take away from the direct power of the sentences. Just a thought.
3) "are yours(,) and I know " Comma is needed after the and.
4) "skinned and hurt(,) and we have cried" comma here too.
5) "understanding(,) and some of" comma here.
6) "worn out(,) as you can see." Comma needed. I really like this sentence. Have you tried to put the 'as you can see' at the start of the sentence instead of the end? I was thinking that it might deliver the facts of how you are stronger if you state that they have seen first.
This chapter serves as a good point to slow down the story some and give the reader some important information. It is written well and gives the reader this useful information at a point in the story when it was not neccessary to keep all the events rolling along. Good use of the magic VS spell and in giving us an introduction to Coran, who they should be meeting soon. I like the use of Kane for gold and the play off currency was handled nicely.
Overall: This chapter was a pleasant read. It allows the reader to gather more information about the world they are in and shows a development of companionship between Kara, Mamoru, and Sentaku. It is good that you are developing this relationship so early. I am hoping that it becomes a strong part of your story. Good information and background delivered in this chapter. Again, it is a nice stepping stone for the story.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) “I want there to be some more, they're much (cooler) than the guys!" The use of 'cooler' when Kara is speaking here seems out of place. She is speaking as if she is in our world and has been for some time. It just struck me as odd sounding from the character.
A good stepping stone into the story. This chapter sets Sentaku into her role. I would think she would have had more questions than she did, but it did not take away from the story. I like the seer. Lady Tiea is handled nicely in the author's introduction of her. Good catch at the end of the chapter. The vision and the ending to the chapter leads us into what will be coming. You wrote enough in this chapter to keep the two sides on even terms and pull the reader along.
Again, I would like to see Sentaku act a little more unsure of herelf here. If she is the drive of the story, I would think she has to grow into the role in some fashion. A little early for me to tell, but she just seems too accepting of the entire situation. It did work that the first chapter left her dream-thinking. Maybe there is still some remnant of this not being real that allows her to be so easy.
You jump from present to past tense a little. It is nothing to sway the story, but it is noticeable at points and was so in the first chapter. Just letting you know so that you might catch it in a reread and straighten it out some.
Overall: This chapter is well written. It keeps the characters we have met so far centered around the story's makeup and has the reader anticipating just what may be around the corner. That author has given her readers a good setting. I would like to get a better physical image of these characters. You have given us some, but they still feel just a bit shallow. I like what I have read and am interested in continueing the story. What more can an author ask for. Interest from readers is what it is all about.
As a fisrt chapter, this is pretty strong. A little formal, but is easily read and well written. I like the fact that the start feels like a dream to her and you did a wonderful job in getting the setting to work for a reader. I get a decent picture of the environment and makeup of where she is. It has a nice pace, not slow or meandering in any way. The end works well as a pull into the second chapter. My interest rose a bit when Ketsueki gets things moving along.
I like the reference to George Washington. I actually had to laugh at the thought that George was her lover. Very well done. The mind reading ability has me wondering to its full uses and how to avoid it. Always a pleasure to be given something that will eventually have to be overcome in some fashion. Good start to your story. This chapter was a nice read.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) "I thought to myself as I walked down a crumbling stone hall(,) that stank strongly of blood and dust." No comma is needed here.
This prologue held my attention pretty well. The dialogue seemed a bit formal in spots, but I am assuming that is due to the two characters own importance. I like the introduction to the book and the trick with the prophecies. That sparked a deeper interest on my part. I am wondering the full consequences of what was there and what is not. I did think you needed a deeper physical description of both Lucifer and Kizuato. I still do not have a clear image of either of them.
This introduction to the author's story is very well written, only a few, minor mistakes in grammer. It is short enough and will hold the reader's interest long enough for them to fully absorb the push for the story. Lucifer mentions a bit of the past and reads prophecy that is of coming events. The setup is nice, giving us a desire to get into the story. Treating Lucifer and Kizuato as near equals keeps a nice balance in the reader's mind. Though I think I am aware of where they both stand, the fringes seem a bit uncertain and add to potential conflict down the road. Good job.
I was uncertain when I started reading this as to the use of the name Lucifer. I did not know if it would be the ancient, christian mistake that the name was that of Satan, or if you were using the Latin demigod. Though demons are mentioned in this prologue, it does not seem that you really intend for it to be either. I would like to suggest that you change the name somewhat, maybe alternate spelling, so that your readers are not caught up in this thought while reading your story. Only a suggestion.
Overall: The prologue works well as a pull for me to read this story. A little longwinded maybe, but just barely if so. Physical description of your characters is needed to allow your readers to fully associate with them. I am sure that personality makeups will come along in the actual story. I am interested and that is great for a prologue. Get your reader's attention. The work needed is minor and with a little bit of changes here and there, you'll be right where you need to be. Possibly add some more urgency in your two characters here. I think a bit more tension will do wonders.
This author put together a wonderful folder displaying her poems. A lot of freestyle and some really strong pieces. "Where-What-Who-When" and "Winter's Frost" were definitely two poems in this folder that justified the time I spent reading through it. The poems collected here give the reader an idea of who this author is and what exactly she brings to the table in her creativity. It is always a great thing to see a folder that holds several things and gives us a chance to see a variety of aspects. I was pleased with what I saw here. They are all easy reads, somewhat short, and give us something to reflect upon. Great work with this.
This is a great folder of this author's signatures. There are some very nice pieces included here. I would have liked to have seen some more that were actually created from an individual by hand instead of images generated and put together. That being said, this folder has such beautiful images that it was well worth the time I took to stop in and get a look. The author did a great job in giving links and credit for the images where they were deserved. I love the fact that you did so. Of all these images, the Dark Fantasy one swept me off my feet. That image is someting for this author to be proud to have in her possession. Good job here with your image collection and a nice folder.
This story had a truthful, slighgtly embarassing feel to it. Though it is very well written, it came up a little less than what I was expecting. The event is a funny one, but I think you may have been able to exagerate a bit and get the reader really involved. When was it that you discovered what had transpired in the store? Did the explaination come immediately or did you not discover what occured until much later? I like the fact that you took this experience and put it into writing. The setting was great, letting me get a sense of you as a young teen at this job. I applaud the fact that you were able to put this into words. This incident would absolutely make a great, comical short story. It works in the biography form you used, but you could make this really shine with little effort. In this format, it did not seem to pull at me. Oh, I enjoyed it alright, but I was not wrapped up in it. If you managed to take this experience and use the same feel to weave it into a short story with a solid conclusion, I think it would be great.
The humor is here. I laughed at the mistake. That being said, I would have liked to have seen how you came to grips with the information once it was given to you. I wanted to know how the girl felt when she realized what had transpired. This is a very good read and I can recommend it to anyone wanting to get a quick laugh. My rating is based on my overall feel for the story as it stands. I just felt that there is so much more that can really let this take hold of a reader. Great idea, very well written, and nearly there.
Suggestions/Corrections
1) "You must remember(,) these were the days before television had hit every town." I think you need a comma here.
I love the take on "somedays". This author did a wonderful job in this presentation. Its flow isn't really strong, something that can be altered with a little change in how it is presented. That being said, the poem reads with such truth and sense of potential passing. The overall meaning of this piece comes through brilliantly and the poem stands out as a monument of thought. I would have liked to have seen some more length and better flow, but I appreciate what is going on here and can see so much potential. Great job.
This was an absolutely fabulous folder of children's poetry. I shared many of these with two young ones of my own and we applaud this author's ability in this format. You did a great job in keeping the poems simple and exciting. These are a collection that children will find appealing and will enjoy. A few of these poems did feel a bit too long, but worked well even so. I applaud your folder and would recommend these to anyone wishing to get a good look at some really well written children's poetry.
You deliver you points on this matter very well in this play. That being said, the reading of it does not stand up as strong as your ideas do. I completely understand the setup and the reasons for the way it is written, but it feels a bit scattered so very often. It is something that can probably be fixed pretty easily and I am sure that some minor changes in how the play travels will set it up on high. I loved the whole Mars and Venus thing and the celebration of Brittany and those blindly accepting the way life is set by those pressuming to know what is best. I enjoyed the whole Pandora and Hermes portion to wrap the play up. I believe that the constant jumping around in the first few acts, though I get why you do so, scews the readers perspective of the story's flow.
Again, the idea here is wonderful. I think that some minor changes in the way the play travels may be needed to make the read more satisfying. I am giving this review as a reader and, as a reader, I want to let you know that my read feels a bit out of place. YOur ideas and the delivery of them in the conclusion of the story are handled pretty well. I like the majorirty of what I read here, but feel a little scewed. There is much potential here and I think you can drive it home fully with just a small amount of work. I can honestly suggest that readers give this a try and come to their own conclusions. Opinions are just that, but there is something significant here as it stands now.
I think this works in the way you wrote it down. You give us something in the begining that we are all familiar with. The dull use of neccessary things that get us through life. You open the door for one to chose the unknown more easily, to take a chance on what may wait for us beyond the norm. I like how you leave us with the thoughts of a sickening feeling when we are pushing towards the unknown, well, running as fast as we can. It has a truthful feel to it that a reader can connect with. I think it would resonate a bit more if you left us with a bit more fear of the unknown in the end. Maybe if you drive the suspence of what awaits a little deeper. Overall, this was a wonderful read.
I loved the sentence "It’s not as if the world has a self-clean function." It just stuck in my head as I read through this work. I guess it triggered something fond in my own mind. Great sentence with a deliberate meaning.
Man, I truly enjoyed the essence of this story. The title was great. So many times, the title does not give the reader the truth of a story. Titling it "The Junk Drawer" was right on point. I was wondering how it would work into the story, buit think you did an absolutely great job. The junk, unwanted and discared things, is a wonderful placement of your characters. Amy is developed very well, but I am so so on my thoughts about your other characters. I understand that you would not want to overshadow he, but I would have liked to see a little more of their makeup. Nothing major, as the story works nicely.
I think you did a very nice job with your story's development and delivered something really meaningful. The kindness and gentle demeanor of the ones she meets on the concrete is an excellent distraction from the environment within her home life. She should be seen as who she is and not who they expect her to be. This story is very inspirational and I would like others in the WDC community to stop in and take a quick read. Keep your minds open and absorb the story. It is an enjoyable piece.
I am rating this on its appeal to me. I really enjoyed the fact that you spin around chance and address both the positive and the negative aspects. This poem promotes thought and thought is what is needed with this subject. I thing the lines and verses read nicely and allow the reader to think upon your question. I think it was the right choice not to answer what chance is, but give examples of your thoughts around how chance acts. Good job.
This is a very powerful piece. I could see the events unfolding and could understand the state of the camp. It rings true, something hard to accomplish so well even with being there. The sandwich makes your point. I honestly had to sit here and shake my head in sadness.
Overall: The story is written very well. It comes through with truth and realism that made me feel it. The setting was handled well. You deliver powerful images and some deep thought. The conflict, while minor to those of us that have not been in such circumstances, really is a powerful look at humanity under extreme conditions. The whole idea that fish is a treat and that it is something none of them could afford has a lot of strength. The conclusion was brilliant and so very appropriate to your point.
I hope you do not mind, but I have included a link for this story in my own file "My collection of authors on WDC. Shorts".
I was impressed with this. I would have liked to see a few of the sentences put together, but other than that, I think this piece is so very well written. This was a good take on life outside of a home without the celebration of the holiday. You made me get the sense of the emptiness here.
Overall: This travels well, easy words and sentences that let the reader feel the experience. The dialogue, with yourself, reads great. It was a nice balance between the Minesota accent and the Somali accent. This was a perfect development of the character, you. There isn't any big conflict to overcome, but the crisis is one we are all familiar with. As a reader, I got a feel for the experience of this holiday through your eyes and thoughts. The setting holds up well and the events are things we can all associate with.
What I liked: I absolutely loved the conversation with the squrrel. You didn't overstep any realistic bounds and you handled it beautifully.
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