It is (or could be) a great story. However, it isn't yet. This is mostly a matter of tone. For example, looking at the first two paragraphs and the last two paragraphs there is an immense difference in tone. As if by the time you got to the end you were relaxing into the story.
The beginning is very stiff, feels forced. The bit about the 3 Jims...far more reader-friendly would have been to keep the tone from the end of the piece. Also, the reader KNOWS you are all Jims...So why, repeatedly, call the one Jim Schwartz-B?
The beginning 'info' dump seems to leave out lots of important info--for exmple; 3 counselors but how many kids? How old were they? Didn't seem like there was a 'bedtime, gang' announcement. Kids'll stay up forever til they drop in their tracks rather than wander off to tents...
I think some dialog in the main body also would have helped move the story along.
There is potential here, that with some revision, would make this a great story. Punctuation, typo wise, etc., this was spot on. It just needs some balancing, leaning towards the tone at the end vs the (almost) pompas tone of the beginning.
Yup, just my opinion and all, but you did ask for a review for a reason and I'll assume that's because you want this piece to be te best you are capable of making it. Clearly, you are quite capable of making this much, much better! :)
If you work on this some more, I'll gladly take another look and re-review! ~fyn
I really enjoyed this! I am especially appreciating this because so many do not truly appreciate seeing and ALL that it entails! I spent months blind, not knowing (then) if I'd ever see again. Blind school, learning to walk and run, learning to make sense of bumps on a page that was some miserable code I could not decipher, learning how to dress, to eat. I did get my sight back. I was supremely fortunate.
I'm using your poem in this week's Poetry Newsletter.~fyn
Especially:
Whether real or perceived, it matters quite little
As long as a balance is achieved in the middle
So good content is produced for others to find:
A snapshot of words which whirl in her mind.
Ah...you bring back bittersweet memories of when we had to let our 'Bear' go, her eyes on mine as she lay in my lap. Hard times for sure. Super well-written poem that truly communicates the loss, the hurting, the 'doing the right thing' emotions without going over the top. ~fyn
This made me smile! I can think of many folks who would do well to read this and get, perhaps, a good reminder! I'm using it in this week's For Authors Newsletter. ~ Fyn
I really liked this poem, as I've had the same thoughts that you expressed so well. Especially these ending lines: How odd to think their brilliance
May have burned out long ago,
But their light is just now reaching us!
I'm using it in this week's Poetry Newsletter! ~fyn
And that moment . . . makes all the difference in the world! Shine on! As Kind Arthur in Camelot said,
"One of what we all are, Pelly. Less than a drop in the great blue motion of the sunlit sea. But it seems that some of the drops sparkle, Pelly. Some of them do sparkle!"
I'm using this in this week's For Authors Newsletter! ~fyn
WOW. Extremely powerful. This is one I will remember. I checked your bio block, wanting to know more about you, but, sadly, you haven't added it as yet. This poem, however, spoke volumes about who you are. ~fyn
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