These words: in morning's silver silence ---such an excellent phrase, image, vision. Really good observations! Well written poem! I'm using it in this week's For Authors newsletter. ~ fyn
This was really well written. Exceptionally so and that must have been difficult even as (I hope) it was a bit cathartic. I'm using this in this week's For Authors newsletter.~fyn
This was exceptional! So much truth and wisdom here. Should be required reading for every teenager! I'm using this in this week's For Authors Newsletter!
It is (or could be) a great story. However, it isn't yet. This is mostly a matter of tone. For example, looking at the first two paragraphs and the last two paragraphs there is an immense difference in tone. As if by the time you got to the end you were relaxing into the story.
The beginning is very stiff, feels forced. The bit about the 3 Jims...far more reader-friendly would have been to keep the tone from the end of the piece. Also, the reader KNOWS you are all Jims...So why, repeatedly, call the one Jim Schwartz-B?
The beginning 'info' dump seems to leave out lots of important info--for exmple; 3 counselors but how many kids? How old were they? Didn't seem like there was a 'bedtime, gang' announcement. Kids'll stay up forever til they drop in their tracks rather than wander off to tents...
I think some dialog in the main body also would have helped move the story along.
There is potential here, that with some revision, would make this a great story. Punctuation, typo wise, etc., this was spot on. It just needs some balancing, leaning towards the tone at the end vs the (almost) pompas tone of the beginning.
Yup, just my opinion and all, but you did ask for a review for a reason and I'll assume that's because you want this piece to be te best you are capable of making it. Clearly, you are quite capable of making this much, much better! :)
If you work on this some more, I'll gladly take another look and re-review! ~fyn
I really enjoyed this! I am especially appreciating this because so many do not truly appreciate seeing and ALL that it entails! I spent months blind, not knowing (then) if I'd ever see again. Blind school, learning to walk and run, learning to make sense of bumps on a page that was some miserable code I could not decipher, learning how to dress, to eat. I did get my sight back. I was supremely fortunate.
I'm using your poem in this week's Poetry Newsletter.~fyn
Especially:
Whether real or perceived, it matters quite little
As long as a balance is achieved in the middle
So good content is produced for others to find:
A snapshot of words which whirl in her mind.
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