Awwww...sad and sweet all at the same time! Know the feeling well. Slightly different, but the same in the long run! Great read! I'm using this piece in my Authors newsletter this week. ~fyn
Hard to say I 'enjoyed' this poem but more, I think I enjoyed how you communicated a difficult set of feelings. Particularly the line: in the outskirts of our love. <---excellent phrase! Fresh and different!
I'm using this in this week's Poetry Newsletter. ~fyn
Yeah, you nailed being there. Spot on. I've never forget as a parent, standing on the deck of the aircraft carrier, USS Ronald Reagen (CVN 76) with the Navy personnel lining the decks at attention. We parents, all saluting as well. After we passed, I looked around. EVERYONE had tears streaming.
Using this in the week's For Authors newsletter. ~fyn
You pretty much nailed this! Have you ever been to Pearl Harbor? If you haven't and ever have the opportunity, do so. Mind-boggling. Heart-wrenching. Using your piece in this week's Authors Newsletter on befores and afters. ~fyn
Well written, well-crafted piece about 9-11. It is difficult to do this well. A hard, emotional time. I'm using this in this week's For Authors Newsletter on 'before and after moments in our lives.~fyn
What a strong and compelling story, experience, memory. Getting this out of the way --I'm using this in my For Authors Newsletter this week as I wrote of the befores and afters of defining moments.
I've read the play that took your experiences and those of many, many others and brought it to the world. It is such an important story and a story that says so much about the folks in that tiny town.
Superbly well written! That, too, says a lot because when things strike home so deeply, it is a difficult thing to do well. And you absolutely did! ~fyn
This!!! --->Drops drip onto my face and I smile as I remember the sensation. Not annoyed or inconvenienced but ready and willing for these rains to pour.
I twirl and spin around, jumping up and down. Before I could think, I was laughing. A wide smile spreading from ear to ear.
Our inner child has much yet to teach us all! NEVER lose her!
Teensy typo---wasted not waisted. :)
Welcome to writing.com :) I wrote that newsletter you responded to. ~fyn
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for June
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Initial Impressions
This story seemed all over the map for me. Seemed like it was a part of something else and excerpted sort of as there was a lot of background info that seemed implied or that the reader should already be familiar with - which in my case, I was not, so it left me floundering (excuse the pun) a lot!
What I think could use some work or revision.
Some necessary background info when not constrained by word counts would really help this piece.
I read it three times trying to fit it all together, but to be honest, this was quite the struggle.
Final Thoughts.
Typos are never good in contest entries and you had quite a few. One that stuck was who is, when you used whose and one about bread that again I am thinking was the wrong word.
IS this part of something larger? Curious and would be curious to read if so. :)
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for June.
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Initial Impressions
There was a lot of telling verses showing in this piece. I think it could have benefitted from a different voice. Perhaps from his perspective.
What I particularly liked.
I got a kick out of the story. Would have liked, perhaps to understand the 'why' behind being a vegetarian. :) Liked the plays on the words. Quite clever.
What I think could use some work or revision.
POV.
Typos. For example--Waling <--walking,
He would up. <--???
One thing I do to help find these sorts of typos is to read the piece slowly, out loud. They seem to jump out at you that way! :)
Final Thoughts.
There is real potential here and it would be absolutely worth playing with beyond the contest!!!
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Initial Impressions
The main character reminded me so much of my hubby. Not with food per se, but in his approach to things.
What I particularly liked.
How he worked with the boy and how it went on forward still!
What I think could use some work or revision.
There were several word/plot choices that, given the strength of the rest of the story, needed a bit of work.
For example, he was fishing for the freshest fish. Catching a living fish is about as fresh as it gets, so this made no sense.
The second night the boy worked there you have him being introduced to the rest of the crew...whom he would have had to meet the night before.
They are casting lines when they fish, then you speak of nets being full. One or the other. Chances are fish would have been on stringers or in a cooler till return to land.
Final Thoughts.
Kept wondering how old the boy was. Wanted to know!!!
This was a good story, just needs some playing with to have it reach its potential! ~fyn
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Initial Impressions
One needs to be very careful when writing to two different prompts so that one doesn't overwhelm the other. I think that may have happened in this case, especially with the title.
What I particularly liked.
LOVED her finding him, hanging in there, being there for him. How she went forward to keep a sense of him and what he'd have liked. There's a whole potential novel hiding within this short story!!! :)
What I think could use some work or revision.
The title! I kept expecting someone to choke to death. Very different meaning than say 'Choked Up' although given the caliber of the story, I am positive you could come up with something far better.
Final Thoughts.
I know, I know - don't judge a book by its cover (or title) - Fact is . . . people do and will. I even tried listening to the song, and that didn't help either.
The premise of the story is great, but if you go forward with this and forget all about the contest aspect of it all, this has just so much potential! ~fyn
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Initial Impressions
I really, REALLY liked this story! I wanted, so badly to give you 5 stars. (See below as to why.*)
What I particularly liked.
I thought it was a most original use of the prompt . . . tones of 'Fried Green Tomatoes' vibes! Given how scents can slam into memories --this was so effective!!! Well done!
What I think could use some work or revision.
* I tried every which way to get the dates to work out, but they did not, would not. This was the stopper for me.
Final Thoughts.
Best story I've read here on WDC in a LONG time!!! ~fyn
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Initial Impressions