Adam no longer is!
Good! You have done a good job. Indeed you have told a nice story in the poem. I like the poem, a poem telling a story about Adam. I enjoyed the poem. Mysterious is the story about Adam, I like. I enjoyed the free flow of thoughts, the story, taletelling, the rhymes, the rhythm is spontaneous, the imagery, the word visuals, and the read.
The story about Adam begins with a nice catch, and the story has a good progression of plot, but in the climax, and at the end, abruptly and curiously the story ends, telling simply Adam is no longer.
Character of Adam is well described, flown and his personality has been stated interestingly, diversely, with his peculiar and simple habits.
Though everyone expected of his return some day, but he never came back, sadly, Adam is no longer there.
The melodramatic end of Adam’s story in the poem is an interesting read.
Title of the poem is good, metaphoric but it is neither appropriate, nor catchy, I think, as the story progresses, there is all the way Adam is prime, and he is the prime character, and it has been expressed nicely, but I never find the title is somehow interesting or catchy.
Edit:
Adam liked skiing, playing the clarinet,
Back in the good old days when he was a kid.
Now he never has enough time for that,
Which makes him sad, but a bit, just a tiny bit.
(Adam liked skiing, playing the clarinet,
back in the good old days when he was a kid.
Now he never has enough time for that
which makes him sad, but a bit, just a tiny bit.)
Edit:
He wants to learn Korean and play baseball,
Visit Peru, write a book, get a guinea pig.
It would take quite a lot to achieve it all,
Maybe those tiny wishes are just too big.
(He wants to learn Korean and play baseball,
visit Peru, write a book, get a guinea pig.
It would take quite a lot to achieve it all,
maybe those tiny wishes are just too big.)
Edit:
Adam will do it later, someday, of course,
He'll solve the Rubik's cube, go to Disneyland,
Learn how to do a painting and ride a horse,
Just not today, maybe Monday or next weekend.
(Adam will do it later, someday, of course,
he'll solve the Rubik's cube, go to Disneyland,
learn how to do a painting and ride a horse,
just not today, maybe Monday or next weekend.)
Edit:
Also this girl next door, it may sound weird,
But they will hit it off, Adam has no doubt,
When he gets richer, slimmer and grows a beard,
Adam will finally dare to ask her out.
Also this girl next door, it may sound weird,
but they will hit it off, Adam has no doubt,
when he gets richer, slimmer and grows a beard,
Adam will finally dare to ask her out.)
Edit:
All in good time, his mother once used to say,
Dreams have to wait, you do what you have to do,
World is not going anywhere anyway,
Now it's work, TV and a beer or two.
Adam is hopeful, even when life gets tough,
Telling himself that it's all gonna be okay,
Glass is half-full, you know all that kind of stuff,
He'll drink it later, though, on a rainy day.
(All in good time, his mother once used to say,
dreams have to wait, you do what you have to do,
world is not going anywhere anyway,
now it's work, TV and a beer or two.
Adam is hopeful, even when life gets tough,
telling himself that it's all gonna be okay,
glass is half-full, you know all that kind of stuff,
he'll drink it later, though, on a rainy day.)
Edit:
Adam is walking down the busy street,
Wishing to change the game and not knowing how,
Something will happen soon, you just wait for it,
Moment is coming, Adam, your time is now.
Suddenly all his body feels strangely numb,
Screeching of tires, screaming, a loud thump,
Adam was waiting for better days to come,
Waiting is over, Adam, your time is up.
Monday has passed, a weekend, a month, a year,
Adam was not quite wrong about certain things:
Fortunately, for now the world's still here,
Sadly, however, Adam no longer is.
(Adam is walking down the busy street,
wishing to change the game and not knowing how,
something will happen soon, you just wait for it,
moment is coming, Adam, your time is now.
Suddenly all his body feels strangely numb,
screeching of tires, screaming, a loud thump,
Adam was waiting for better days to come,
waiting is over, Adam, your time is up.
Monday has passed, a weekend, a month, a year,
Adam was not quite wrong about certain things,
fortunately, for now the world's still here,
sadly, however, Adam no longer is.
Please check, I have humbly offered my suggestions as edits, as given in the bracket, as above.
Well done; thank you for sharing this nice poem with us.
WIN - Write Inspire News!
by Guru Valmiki Aristotle Scriber
|