Rhythm/Rhyme: this poem about love had great flow from beginning to end.
Critique: Wow. I could tell you poured a lot into this piece. It really gives the reader warm and fuzzy feelings of what is like to be in the depth of an all-encompassing, once in a lifetime love. You used great imagery that hung in my mind from one stanza to the next.
This was my favorite stanza
It is what we know,
and the shimmering veil of mystery,
an eternal truce
between the day and the night
You have great insights into the subject of love, with vivid clarity that leaves the reader longing for more. Great job!
PLOT -Cute story about man's best friend. Mike hasn't spent enough time with his dog, Spike. Spike rummages through the garbage as a means to get attention from his owner. Even Mike's wife comments that he should be sticking to their routine and take the dog outside.
CHARACTERS -Mike, Mary and Spike.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -I didn't find an issues in this short piece.
The dialogue was believable. Mary was quick to point out the issue with the situation while cleaning up after breakfast.
THOUGHTS -I enjoyed the ending where we get to see Spike's point of view and how he feels about Mike. Mike thinks he's the one doing the teaching, but it turns out that Spike is giving him a lesson as well. I did find it funny that Spike turned up his nose at the scraps from breakfast. Cute story.
PLOT -
A soldier writes a heartfelt letter to his beloved, Meg, and doesn't hold back or gloss over the tragedies of war.
SETTING -
Your descriptions were vivid. They were detailed and gripping, and this felt more like an actual letter from a soldier witnessing the carnage and suffering firsthand. It tugged at my heartstrings as I felt his longing for home and his bitterness toward the country that stood silent for so long before finally entering the fight. Every word you chose worked perfectly.
CHARACTERS -
I can easily imagine how Meg would've felt receiving this letter. Gerald didn't hold back in his descriptions or emotions. He brought me right into the battle. I could almost taste the gunpowder as he struggled to breathe.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
I didn't find any errors. Gerald's thoughts were at the forefront of this piece.
THOUGHTS -
Wow, Kiya, this was gripping from the very first line and made me think about what he witnessed, and what he wanted most, all of which played on my emotions. Your attention to detail, and ending with a little bit of hope after all that Gerald spoke of, had me rooting for him to make it back home and to Meg. Fantastic read. Thank you for sharing. I always enjoy reading your work.
Plot:Jack struggles with life after his breakup with Christina.
Emotions: This short story had all of the feels of longing and what-ifs if these two were to cross paths again. You made it easy to see him going through the motions, and when they come face to face, the situation's awkwardness and the hope of second chances were right there.
Impression: I loved this entry. You tackled the prompt well and left me longing for more! Great job.
Grammar/Spelling/Other issues:
Fantastic entry.
Followed Prompt: Word Count Range:
~~Please remember these are my opinions and are not meant to hurt, only help. Take what you can from my comments that work for you, and discard the rest!! Happy writing!!~~
PLOT -
Wow, this was great flash fiction, and your use of the prompt phrase, yep, is mortifying! Having them come from the man of her dreams while being in that sticky situation was mortifying. I loved it!
SETTING -
Great descriptions as she tried to find her way out of that pretzel-like contortion. You made it easy to picture the scene and go through the motions with your main character. Your descriptions and comparison of them to normal objects were fantastic. Grasping claws, painted toes to roots, the tomato!
CHARACTERS -
I loved this character. You should use this as a pairing and see where they go. It's quite memorable, and you could get a lot of traction out of the situation.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
I was then -- It was then
THOUGHTS -
You drew me in right away, and I loved every well-crafted line.
Rhythm/Rhyme: Your poem had a good rhythm, and I enjoyed the rhyme scheme. The word choices for the rhymes worked well to pull the reader into the topic, and I wasn't sure which sport you were talking about until the very end. Nicely done!
Summary: A poem about a winning team in India at the top of their game in Cricket. I confess I don't know much about this sport and was surprised to see the scoring of four points, which makes me curious about how the game is played and how scoring points work. Nothing a little internet sleuthing can't fix.
Critique: I liked how you used colors throughout the poem, making different sentences stand out on the page. I could almost feel the excitement from one stanza to the next, with the resounding cheers from the spectators. There is nothing quite like cheering on a country's national team, and you conveyed that well, reminding the reader of their own experiences and the national sports they enjoy watching. Is the ringing of the temple bell common after a big victory? That has me curious.
Congrats to India on the win and your poem, which showed national enthusiasm and spirit.
PLOT -
Supriya's take on her mother's constant saying of Don't be silly was fantastic. I loved how you used it in your flash fiction piece for today.
CHARACTERS -
Supriya is off on her next adventure, making sure to drive home the point to her mother that her warnings of being silly have come back full circle.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
No issues
THOUGHTS -
I found this very clever and cannot believe how little the word count was. I like that she enlisted her brother in what was happening, taking the suitcase and tossing those little words back to her mother.
Rhythm/Rhyme: Great job with the rhythm and rhyme in your poem about different cards. I love that you segued to the library.
Summary: Taking the HSP merit badge and turning it into a poem about different cards was a fantastic idea. At first, I wondered where it was going, but it became clear after reading through the poem. A love of the library is where the heart goes, and the library card is indeed the prize possession.
Critique:
There was only one spot that tripped me up.
that Baseball cards could your friend.- perhaps adding the word be,
though I believe I read it with the word inserted.
Thank you for taking the HSP Challenge at "Merit Badge Magic" . I enjoyed your poem and take on the prompt!
Sensuality:
There are some missed opportunities here. The story starts with a heavy backstory to catch the reader up on Raja and Vina's dynamics. While plotting what she intended to do to grab his attention, grasping her emotional state would have pulled me further into the story. For example, if she were angry, maybe she stomped toward the door after he left for work. Or show her in the car driving and aggravated because she was so focused on seeing her spa day through.
It's told even when she has the massage, where you could've tweaked it to let the reader know that she finally can relax and let the situation's tension go.
Impression:
You have a solid couple in this story. You describe what is happening well, but the emotional pull and physical reactions stop short. Think about describing what the kiss felt like. If Raja is doing the kissing, is her skin salty? She'd been rubbed down with oils during the massage, so there must be scents and tastes that play with his senses as they come together.
Grammar/Spelling/Other issues:
That does not give him the right to torture me, -this needs quotes. Or you could take out the dialog tag and put her thoughts in italics.
The one big stand out to me was that it was barely twenty-four hours, and that seemed like a short period to go to such lengths when Vina was cut off by Raja.
Followed Prompt: 1/2 - The fireplace was missing Word Count Range:
I apologize for being so late with the review and judging the December entries. Please accept the gift points as a token of appreciation.
~~Please remember these are my opinions and are not meant to hurt, only help. Take what you can from my comments that work for you, and discard the rest!! Happy writing!!~~
Rhythm/Rhyme: Rhyme wasn't necessary in your poem, but the echoing words gave the poem a nice rhythm.
Summary: You created an echo poem, where you repeat the last syllable of each line and use it for the beginning of the next line of the poem. I don't know if eighteen lines were required for an echo poem since this is the first time I've read an echo poem. I see that pets was also used in your genres, and I was expecting a common house pet, so it was great that you used something else entirely, which gave great shock value.
The poem starts by addressing Santa; I expected it to be a cute holiday poem. I liked that you took my assumption and led the reader elsewhere.
I've lived through a house being torn up and remodeled, so I can identify with the lack of space and chaos. Kudos to anyone living through that undertaking.
There was only one spot where things threw me while reading the Christmas tale.
it is back.
Back
Back
I just wondered if you could've changed the word back so it wasn't repeated so closely again.
Personal Response Wow, I was shocked to see that hefty goal you set for yourself, knowing how intricate the Bible is, no matter which version you choose. But I know people do read it from cover to cover, so kudos to you for accomplishing that task three years in a row.
I suppose starting a new church is as challenging as starting a new business, so there I can say that the hard work you put into it can be difficult and rewarding at the same time. Nothing really tops that sense of accomplishment when you set out to do something and reach that pinnacle.
I completely agree with you that it's been a tough year; between wars, elections, the toppling of governments, and a media that seems to be no longer capable of unbiased reporting, it's a lot to digest. I suppose the only thing we really can do is pray that a better tomorrow is on the horizon, even when it doesn't look that way. We never really know what's in store for us until it happens.
Merry Christmas, Jeff, and good luck in your new endeavor. I hope that 2025 brings all good things for you and your family! ~T
Rhythm/Rhyme: Hi Carly. You have an interesting rhyme scheme for this poem about tender-heartedness, and it worked well.
Summary: Being sensitive or tenderhearted can be a tough road as you tend to feel things on a deeper level than others, and you manage to convey and capture that truth. I liked that you creatively changed up fight or flight to flight or fright regarding moments in life that illict fear and trepidation.
Critique: Highly sensitive people do learn how to cope with the added emotions, which can sometimes be crippling. Your poem touched upon the physical and emotional toll that being tender-hearted presents.
Thank you for sharing your work. I enjoyed reading your poem and gaining insights from this short piece. You have a gift for getting right to the heart of the subject matter in a few words, and your word choices make the reader stop and think about all that you are saying.
Great job making it through I Write 2024! It's been a pleasure getting to know you through your writing. I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a productive 2024!
PLOT -
The Elf on the shelf becomes the horror of an entire town.
SETTING -
I always found the elf on the shelf to be creepy, and I'm glad to see I'm not the only one. You did a good job setting up the background for this Christmas horror tale, and it paid off as the story moved to center around Clair and her Aunt Colleen. Toward the end, using the white snow and blood coming together created a good visual of the scene.
CHARACTERS -
Colleen hates everything about the holidays and opts out of going to the tree lighting and babysits her niece, Claire, instead. I liked that Colleen didn't laugh off Claire's fear of the elf and put it in the box and out of the way so they could enjoy their evening.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
‘And where do you think you’re going? - missing quotation marks
The dialogue was believable and sounded natural.
THOUGHTS -
Nice job. It's not always easy to turn a beloved character sinister, and from the list you had to choose from, I would've written about the elf, too. Even knowing people move that elf around, I still find it creepy and I'm so glad my kids were older when it became a thing because I would not buy it.
Summary: Blanche is appalled when she sees her reflection in the mirror, almost as if she's been oblivious to the years as she got older. Now, she realizes the changes that have occurred and blames the mirror.
Critique: Great job worth the prompt.
Isn't it amazing when we disregard the subtle changes that happen over time and then suddenly we are left seeing everything with new eyes? You described this well, and I could feel that horror from Blanche as she saw herself. You captured this one moment of time and gave the reader a glimpse of these changes in her appearance and her annoyance at the mirror for showing her truth.
I can remember a day like this myself, and it is a sole horrifying when it feels like yesterday you were young and vibrant, and then suddenly you're confronted by time as age has kicked in with all its tell tale signs, like gray hair and wrinkles.
I liked that you used the quote twice, once the quote itself and then the threw the person into the poem. Blanche, blanched worked well to kick this off as the quote started the piece and it was fresh in the readers mind.
PLOT -
Samantha was starting high school and was quickly singled out by the Rosedale Roses, a group of nasty girls working hard to be the in crowd. Unfortunately for Samantha, a girl named Jill, who Samantha believes will be her friend, turns out to be a wanna-be to get into the clique if she lures Samantha to the spooking house on the island.
SETTING -
I liked the backstory of the Clayton House on the island. The descriptions were good here and with the cafeteria setting where the Roses question Samantha. That felt natural as the leader, Karen, reminded Samantha that she'd learned about her fears and tried to use them against her.
CHARACTERS -
Samantha's past fears of swimming turn out to be a blessing as she falls into the lake and finds strength to overcome that fear. Karen was just as annoying as I thought when she approached Samantha in the cafeteria. I had a feeling that Jill would also turn out to be an enemy.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
joining other clubs at this school.
That IO would
There are a few instances of Karen said, said Karen that I think you could punch up with other dialog tags that would make the story have better flow.
THOUGHTS -
When Samantha is pushed into the water, you may be able to add to that scene to show her fear before she goes in and her struggle once she's in the water. I wondered how murky the water was, if it was warm or cold, and whether her limbs felt heavy from her clothing or her shoes. These are just little things to heighten the intensity of the incident.
Rhyme/Rhythm/Flow:
Hi Carly. Your poem flowed well from beginning to end as if it were an unfolding story about Leonard Cohen's life.
Emotions/Imagery:
You excel with imagery. This poem showcased his life and how the written word defined him. Thinking about the notebooks from freezer to pocket to drawer says a lot and hits you right from the top, as the images of his life were like continuing on.
Impressions:
I enjoyed the contrasts of frozen and fire, creation and destruction you used to bring home these highs and lows from his life, and yet the music and words thrived. Very informative and nicely written.
Emotions/Imagery:
You showed your strong connection to this band with the poem about Dan Reynolds from Imagine Dragons. You gave good insight into his upbringing and life and the outlet of music he used to convey his struggles.
Impressions:
I find nothing better than connecting to lyrics that speak to you, and you did here. Dan is truly a gem in a world gone crazy. This piece taught me a lot about the band and its lead singer. Nicely done!
Rhyme/Rhythm/Flow:
Your Eulogy for John Lennon moved well and had good flow except for when you used bull-headed. I would've gone for the foul language.
Emotions/Imagery:
I liked that you brought up the speculation involving him walking away from The Beetles. You covered a good span from his beginning to untimely end. I remember when the new broke, and the world was indeed bereft.
Impressions:
I liked your eulogy. It is a nice tribute to one who was taken too soon.
Summary: A contest entry where you had to create a poem using the four chosen words. You even managed to use them in the order they were presented in the prompt. The first two lines come from a well-known proverb: just tweaking bird for chicken, which totally worked.
Critique: I wondered how you would get the word airport in there when I started reading, and you didn't disappoint. I laughed when I read the last line and it fit the piece. You definitely cannot compare a diamond's value to that of a chicken. You did a solid job on working the words in a clever way. It was an enjoyable read and totally unexpected.
PLOT -
Jace, his girlfriend, and another couple decide to check out a mysterious house with a door hanging off its hinges. They are all surprised when they step inside to see the immaculate interior.
SETTING -
Great descriptions as Jace looks around the house and notices the newer curtains, a fireplace, and beautiful flooring. You made it easy to picture his surroundings. And then the scenery started fading away like sand slipping through an hourglass. I could see the mad dash to put things back the way they once were, in a fury of activity as one moment is disturbed by another and must be put back the way it originally was.
THOUGHTS -
This worked well. I liked the introduction of the little men working as quickly as they could to reproduce these moments in time. It brings to mind parallel realms and all the possibilities that go with them. You had a nice twist at the end as the reader goes through this journey with Jace, believing that his friends are frozen at that moment in time, yet he discovers that he is stuck and separated.
I wondered if you were hiking and stumbled upon an abandoned mansion, and the four of you decided to explore it. If so, great job turning this into an exciting tale. And if you did explore an abandoned mansion, I would like to know what secrets you did uncover there.
PLOT -
Marion's love of horses takes her past a pasture for years until one day, the horses disappear.
SETTING -
It's difficult to put a lot of description into a one-hundred-word story
CHARACTERS -
All I know of Marion is that she loves horses and considers the ones she sees daily during her walks her friends.
THOUGHTS -
The beginning was a bit confusing for me. It starts with Marion loving horses, moving to a rural area, forgetting that she loves them, and then meeting them.
I know you don't get a lot of wiggle room in these micro stories, but maybe rearranging the first few sentences would give it more clarity and have it read smoother.
The only other thing that seemed out of place to me was the mention of no blood being around where the horses used to be. Were you thinking about the damage to the fence being so severe that something destructive had happened that had Marion worrying that the horses were hurt? Including something to that effect would drive that point home if this is what you were going for.
I honestly felt bad for Marion, having to move, and then losing the horses that had become part of her daily routine.
Summary: You have a lot packed into the month of June, with clear goals established to take you all the way into September. With all of the classes you are taking and plans to visit your aunt, your outlook is positive, as you are happy with your progress thus far. This feels like you are in the home stretch of things, as you plan to take on five of the ten subjects. You are also getting ready for Camp Nano. A fifty thousand-word novel is no small task, but can be done.
Critique: Wow, Angelica, I had no idea you had taken so much on. You seem to tackle a wide range of subjects with medical billing and coding, though I do not know the other subjects that you are studying. That shows how much drive you have and your capacity to gain as much knowledge as you can. I wish you lots of luck in your endeavors for the rest of this year and into the next. Stay focused. Your drive alone is something I admire and will be the strength that helps you progress on the journey.
Nice job getting the required words in this free verse poem. June is indeed a busy month for you!
Summary: Your opening line pulled me right into this free-form poem about Mist. You have great imagery as you devise differing ways to describe the mist. I keep returning to that first line because I love the idea of mist being a tryst of water vapor. I find that very clever. Dancing over Daisies is another line that speaks volumes, and it really made me smile as I read your poem.
Critique: You packed a lot into this twelve-line poem. I liked how the water settled onto the grass, sleeping as dew. It reminded me of being outside during the summer as the sun rises and the temperature gets ready to climb from a cool night. You do a really great job with your word choices.
Style The author has a nice, easy-to-follow flow in their writing. The short piece also includes good descriptions, such as stormy weather relating to emotional turmoil, and they back up their subject with reasons why they think an emotional road map would be helpful.
Mechanics You used the chosen words well and put them in bold so the reader could easily find them without thinking about it.
Personal Response I liked this interesting take on your chosen map. It's honestly a great idea. I would love to know the emotional roadblocks that lie ahead of me. Carefully averting such disasters would be a phenomenal thing. I like the idea of parallel lines that would indicate a better choice in the road up ahead, and to avoid certain areas that look like they would be rather bumpy and take an emotional toll.
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