\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rinsoxy
Review Requests: ON
1,815 Public Reviews Given
1,816 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Review of Contest Entries  Open in new Window.
for entry "My Gratitude" Open in new Window.
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love this gratitude list. There are a lot of things in this world to be grateful for. I think you picked some of the top ones for me. I would have added family and friends in there somewhere. The world would be awfully lonely without them. I also would have added in being thankful for writing.com. then again you sort of added that one in by way of contests to enter. It is a neat little poem it flows together well. I hope you win the contest. I have not read any of the other entries but I think you have a pretty good chance. I think my favorite part is cats to chase. I have cats I do end up chasing them a lot. I might have worded it cats to herd. It references the difficulty of wrangling them a bit better than just chasing them, but like I said it was my favorite line so it works pretty well as it is. I like the priority levevel of cats to chase implied by its high placement in the list, by food, shelter and modern conveniences like electricity and water. I also admire the fact that you can be thankful for nanowrimo in the middle of the stress of it.
2
2
Review of My Dead Dad  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
If you have children or nieces and nephews make sure they have access to this important piece of your family history. I commend you for recording it for posterity. I wish I had more of my family's stories written down by my parents. All I have is what I remember hearing about as a child. So it is hazy and probably inaccurate. I think you mean food banks rather than food bands but I could be wrong. How hard is it to mourn a parent you never met? I lost my mother when I was in my thirties and my father is still living. I just wonder if you can really miss someone you didn't personally know as badly as someone who was there.
3
3
Review of Solar Eclipse  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Cool idea. I like the story and the idea of an eclipse having that kind of effect. Is it aliens? did they somehow give the tech to humanity for mass kidnapping or mass murder? great story written very well. I feel really bad for alex and everyone else that didn't disappear I have a feeling that very little can be accomplished without the headset and they all have disappeared.
4
4
Review of The Game  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your word count in the forum is incorrect by a thousand words. I was expecting something long but didn't get it. I am pleased with what I did get but I hoped for more. The story is an interesting start to something. What game are they playing though? Poker? Blackjack? A game specific to this situation. What are the rules? How do they die? Is it the magic of the ring? Is the ring magic? Or is it power like a mafia don? SOrrry to bombard you with questions but this story really got my juices going and it would be worthwhile to see how far you could take this story. I know the contest is just for the introductory chapter but this is a really cool idea. How do you find out about the game? Is it an urban myth? How do people find out about it if one of the people dies and the other gets untold power. I would think the survivor wouldn't want to advertise. Unless having the opponent die is what powers the ring. Does it suck in the souls of the loser? What power does it give the winner? I want to know so much more.
5
5
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ooh, creepy! I want to know more about the history of these prisoners. How do they die originally? Are they zombies? Are they vampires? Are they simply undead? What might they do to their captors. Eating them comes to mind. Are they indigenous people? Are they cursed or blessed with this state?
6
6
for entry "I See Dead People" Open in new Window.
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
That is short but sweet. Absolutely hilarious! Nice twist. I love this. That said this story seems awfully familiar. Like you got it from a meme or a joke.
7
7
Review of I See Dead People  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Nice twist though I knew something was coming. I like that she was going to feel better. One suggestion though. To link an item it is easier to place a link by typing {bitem:xxxxxxxx} where the xs are the item number the item number can be found under item info on a mobile device and at the top by the title on your desktop browser. Often if you fill in {bitem: it will bring up a pop up menu of recently edited items and you can click on the title and it will finish the link for you.
8
8
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a nice almost vanilla story up until they go for drinks. Then it gets spicy. I like that those two hook up they seem a better fit. One thing are the initial couple married or just dating so seriously that they share a bank account. They seem to be far more than casually connected for him to just say it's over and have that be it.
9
9
for entry "Dead People" Open in new Window.
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is creepy. It reminds me of the pitcher plants that lure in insects and start digesting them alive. I wish there were some way to stop the house from eating people and trapping them inside. I wouldn't want to be the real estate agent for this house.
10
10
Review of To My Joseph  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This fit the prompt. It is written in a stiffly formal way. That caused me to detach from the emotional impact of it. I did not and could not feel the love and adoration that is clearly there. That reduced my personal enjoyment of this poem. I appreciate it in an almost mathematical way. It puts a virtual score on each element of the lost love. It adds up to a heart felt piece of writing. Although for me it left the heart somewhere to the side. It is not a bad poem it works for the way it was written, but i personally think that a different tone would have suited the subject better. Of course this is my opinion other people could read it entirely differently. I could be completely off the mark. The tone of the poem could be reflecting an aspect of the relationship I do not know about. Or it could reflect something about the man. I do not know enough about things to really call the formal tone wrong in any way. All I can do is talk about how the poem reached out to me. It was like someone trying to wrestle in a business suit it just does not feel right.
11
11
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I am not familiar with this activity. But I do not do many music inspired prompts beyond the occasional 72hr media challenge. I am not much into music really at least not popular vocal music. I prefer instrumental music where people do not and can not murder the lyrics. I appreciate music but it must always be sung the first way I heard it or it is wrong. That is not always possible even for the same artists, think Hanson. I found these thoughts on music by someone who is much more into music than me very illuminating. I very much appreciate the way this site and the brave artists on it expose me to a wide variety of attitudes and beliefs. It helps me grow as a person and helps me write about characters with different experiences than my own. I love the insights in this piece and the easy style in which it was written. It was a very positive read for me. Thank you for sharing I just wish I had some helpful suggestions to improve it, but I think it easily stands as what it wants to be. Nice job.
12
12
Review of Vera.  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I did this contest last week. I found the prompt entertaining and inspiring, with so many cool directions it could be taken. This story is one of those cool directions. I thought about the you will miss me when I am gone direction. It is a funny one. I like that you made the voice of the virus female. Though you could have made that clearer earlier in the story. It gave me a giggle to think of the voice commenting on his male behaviors in a female voice but male mannerisms. You did not show that but it would have been funny. It also would have been funny if she gave him an overly cute pet name. I do have to say there is nothing harmless about a voice that talks incessantly not even allowing sleep. I guess there is no permanent harm. Is Vera the type of virus you can only catch once or might she come back? Is there only one infection that goes from person to person or is she one of a community of viruses? How is the virus transmitted? Okay those questions are not fair to you I did not answer them in my story either.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
Review of Contest Entries  Open in new Window.
for entry "Living it in Style" Open in new Window.
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I can not see the inspiration here but that is my fault I do not think I know the song well. The story of the poem is interesting. There are definitely characters. The setting feel like the seventeen hundreds to me. Probably because of the free time to brush her hair for an hour and the idea of a party. There is a plot basically a girl systematically getting ready for said party. We discover that her primping has resulted in a well described prize that she takes home to her parents. So it has most of what is needed to be a story poem. The trouble is that none of the characters have any development. We do not really know the cost of the win for the character or the value of the win to her. Is she trying to prove something to her parents? Her friends? Herself? There just are not any real stakes for the character in doing this. How old is she? Is she a child just showing off her looks? Or is she a young woman who is beginning the socially necessary task of finding a mate to support her? Because a girl who feels good about brushing her hair for hours really is not likely to be able to support herself.

Thank you for sharing this little poem it is cute and really made me think.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
14
14
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Some of this review references part one of this story because it took reading this part to realize the importance of unimportance.


Okay, I was a little disoriented when I started reading this half I didn't understand how Matt had gotten to the alien world. I also didn't understand how the supreme high one got into the situation he did.

I think this story would benefit from being made into a book item which would allow you to put each chapter into a separately accessible segment then it would be easier to flip back and forth when reading and it would also make it more likely that someone would try reading at least a part of it.

As for the story, the quality of the dialog and immersion in the story has improved all through the story.

I feel like this story was going somewhere with the UN scene and the leader's last student.

I was extremely disappointed at the ending though. It was like Matt threw up his hands and said he was done so the story ended. Then you tell us jaz has been promoted to leader and the leader permanently demoted.

One of the potential threads I would loved to see developed is eternity her father should be sent to her and she could help him deal with being cut off. Otherwise what really was the point of mentioning her.

Matt's apartment or house or whatever is left vacant for months and no one so much as does a welfare check on him, including the police who know him to be the victim of a violent mugging.

Why did jaz react to the high one's birthname like he was a war criminal. Why even mention that name if you aren't going to make it significant.

The three ladies that found Matt after the mugging don't need to be named or given as much attention as they were they just don't matter to the rest of the story.

The story of the odd one confused me I thought it was the leader taking on yet another identity. If he was part of one of the parables the leader was telling them the latter discussion of tay and her mentor was unnecessary because the leader would have known. The prior mention of the odd one is unnecessary to the overall story and complicates things for me it is another section you could leave out in favor of having room to better develop the ending.

I like the way the aliens see and describe colors that is one of the best bits about them.

This story is full of great potential. The characters, the world's and cultures are vivid. Some of them don't need to be as vivid so as to contrast with the characters at the center of the action.

It is a good story at its core about 90% of what it wants to be. Compared to the work already obviously put in there is just a little reshaping and shaving to do. It could benefit if it had fewer words but only because it would bring the focus even tighter. Remember this isn't an essay where you have to pay the length for the sake of your grade. If a word, sentence, character or chapter that doesn't carry your story forward it doesn't need to be there at best it is a distraction from the focus.

Please consider finishing the process and editing because I have seen how far you've come and I want to see you cross the finish line.
15
15
Review of Ignatia  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
These characters are strong.their relationship is well defined. Their dialog carries the story forward well. As for grammar and structure nothing was so egregious as to pull me out of the story at any point. It works well for me and it would make for an excellent start to something cool.
16
16
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
The first chapter has a lot of information you need to know about the aliens, but you pile it all on the reader’s shoulders too quickly. I like the alieness of the aliens but they are at least relatable in an alien way. It seems a pretty good balance. But the elder telling the story to a reluctant youngster has a resistance to the knowledge you are trying to share built in and none of it has action to draw you in to catch a reader I think I would suggest starting the story with chapter two.


chapter six had a few word choice errors


"I saw what happened and have no answer." Dr. Schmitt began, "I have never seen this happen. Our patience is full of surprises. I need to go and examine the previous blood sample. Do not try any more IVs until I find an answer. Until then, Matthew, we will wait for the MRI results. I have another question: have you experienced any other changes?"

it should be patient not patience


The Elders, who were Out of Phase, were the easiest to tap into. He found their secrets first. He did not act on them; he kept their thoughts and plans in case a timer would arise where he needed to act upon them.


It should be in case a time would arise not timer


chapter seven

the more you explain in the alien scenes the less you really need chapter one as an info dump if I read chapter seven as though I hadn’t read chapter one I am fine.


Chapter 15

I am confused about the explosion and why eternity does not recognize the high one I thought he was selected because he had the color of the highest peaks so shouldn’t she recognize him. This chapter tangled all of the previous chapters up for me.

Chapter 16

The Defender in Green was spotted in several parts of the city late morning into mid-afternoon. Citizens would state that he appeared out of nowhere and disappeared by flying away or just disappearing.

It is a little redundant you could probably just stop at disappeared

Chapter 20

Joe paused for a few minutes, then began again, "Matt, I want to thank you for doing this for me and for me. It is much more than I thought would happen. I can make a fresh start in my life. There are things I will do differently and never do again. Don't worry. I will visit Misty and the girls from time to time. You are only a five-minute run from me. We never evaluated your flying time. Before you say anything, I leave my feelings about Erin's death here. I couldn't move on because everything reminded me of her and our life together. That shadow was too much to step out of."

I am confused about who is saying what in this paragraph



He is on the Federal Bureau of Investigations' ("FBI") Ten Most Wanted List for anything you could think of. This guy thinks he is a criminal genius because he has never been caught. We have enough to put him away for several lifetimes without parole. This is most likely a trap."

just go with FBI everyone knows what that is you don’t have to spell it out.

Chapter 23

I had guessed that eternity was the high one’s daughter though I am not sure having male and female Hydranousians is applicable they would more likely be genderless since they reproduce by budding. Other than that you have done a great job of making the aliens alien but relatable.


In summary

You use a lot of extra words in your dialogs that people just don’t bother with when they are talking. You have a long story here and it might help you trim the size to something more managable and readable if you went through all of your dialog and read it aloud. Usually people state things pretty simply.



It is a big improvement over the previous drafts of this story that I have read. i think you really have balanced the alieness of the aliens with reliability to characters we all can understand.

I think you should double check the sequence of events happening on the alien planet they sometimes seem a bit jumbled.

and some of the dialog is hard to follow without proper paragraph breaks and punctuation.
17
17
Review of Contest Entries  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love love love dragon poems! It always seems like there is so much dramatic possibility with them, even when they are on their own. This one has faries, pixies and whatnots to interact with. I was more than a little disappointed that the dragon did not interact more with the smaller creatures. It seemed singlemindedly focused on the idea of treasure and that seems to miss a lot of opportunities to expand the stereotypical version of a dragon. I like dragons when they discover that friendship is the biggest treasure and it just keeps growing every day. The idea that he ultimately discovered the treasure of knowledge that was a good twist. And perhaps not as cliche. I think this last few lines could have been clearer as to what physical transformation is involved in becoming a wizard. I would have thought the dragon would just get a wardrobe of robes and pointy hats to become a wizard but the poem implies he becomes something entirely different and has to transform back into himself. That ending was a bit of a jarring way to go.
18
18
Review of The Adonis  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love it. The contrast between the steamy fantasy and the reality of her husband is absolutely perfect. The imagery from the first part really drew me in and I was ready for it to get hotter rather than beating the heat. I like the element of an all inclusive resort. I admit when the husband accused her of not working I thought it was less a complete fantasy and more the fantasy of a woman working pools side at an all inclusive resort as a towel girl or a waitress. the reality of the situation was much better and definitely grabbed me well. I loved that she argued back that sometimes you write in your head first. I know I do. I tend to have mapped out an entire plot and played around with some ideas for the perfect scenes for a story before I ever even look at paper. At that stage my characters are defined but fluid, I name them but as I play with the idea for days and the original name slips away I give them a new one about the time the name starts sticking I know it is ready to be outlined. I wonder if that is why the adonis has no real name.
19
19
In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
THis is a cool sounding story. Ryan seems a natural born hero. `This has so many ways it could go from here and I would be interested in reading more of it. One slight thing though it would be easier to read if you put extra returns in between paragraphs. THey all ran together for me and I had to reread in several places to find the right completion of a sentence. the font size is pretty good, fairly readable but the lines run together an awful lot. Also a wordcount would be nice so a person knows how long a read they are signing up for. not that I am complaining, it was a fun read. I love the characters I so want to read more of this story. Everyone in the fantasy land is so kind to Ryan and I wish the real world had a bit more of that.

Come ride with us!
20
20
Review of Don't @ Me  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I loved the flow of this poem. written in un rhymed couplets where the last word of the couplet is the first word of the next two lines. It is very stream of consciousness. this poem feels effortless but I could defintely see the difficulties in writing it. A lot of thought probably went into how it would flow.

This poem really covers the realities and emotional landmines of social media. Reading this and pretending i don't know what it is about I question why anyone would put themselves through that kind of torture. If someone from before social media wouldn't understand it in the least. I hate that this is what our whole culture measures itself by. Makes me want to convert to the Amish lifestyle and religion.

I would suggest combining all of the author's notes into one dropnote to remove some of the clutter.

Come ride with us!
21
21
Review of The Lightning Bug  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
How sweet. They save a fairy and find true love in each other, with a little help from fairy dust. I would think that Talulah and the kids would become fast friends for a while. But eventually, she would fade from reality for them. I wonder if they really think about that night when they are reminiscing about their love. It is a really magical story. I do think the foreshadowing about the special lightning bug isn't necessary I would suggest just letting the story unfold without it. The ending was a little awkward. It does not flow quite right for me. is she cupping her chin when the fairies are dusting them? Then the comment about the anniversary should not be in the same line. And the anniversary tomorrow would not be a case of WAS.

Come ride with us!
22
22
In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really sympathize with this paragraph. I feel this way a lot. I have my own fantasy escapist story that I play around with when I have time. Eventually some of the characters and events make it into my written stories. Perhaps something like this would help. Like when I am doing dishes I am not doing a simple household chore, I am a princess hiding among the kitchen drudges from the evil usurper king plotting to avenge my family and reclaim the throne.

When it comes to your actually written words... They are honest, true, and fantastical they scream for a treatment as a poem. You don't have to follow a complex form or rhyme even it is called free verse and that is what it is, free. Dragons can fly and you can still be grounded in reality.

Come ride with us!
23
23
In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a sweet story. It is a fairy tale of sorts since I find it hard to believe that anything short of actual magic would turn the heart of so horrible man as Rabban. Speaking of the name it reminds me of the character of Rabban in Dune by Frank Herbert. Herbert's Rabban is a beast of a man, so much so that it is his title- The Beast Rabban. He ground his subjects beneath his boots. It was the memory of that Rabban that colored my understanding of this character. It was a very good choice for conveying a character in a few words. Just a few small mentions of cruelty was all I needed to confirm the character type. I was impressed by the unicorn and the fox were able to wash away the cruelty in such a sneakily honest way.

Come ride with us!
24
24
In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
THis poem defintely makes the point that not all fools are what we would consider stupid. They often know a lot or at least enough to make them dangerous. THis brings to mind flat earthers, and other conspiracy nuts. They know just enough to make a bit of logical sense by using just enough of the truth to make a point but not enough to actually be telling the truth that their truth comes from. These high IQ fools are some of the scariest kind because they know enough about enough to sound like reasonable people to those with more actual common sense. The high IQ fools lead to errors like trumps presidency, cults and military intelligence. I wish there was a spray called fool be gone that you could spray and fools would just loose their voices which is the most dangerous part of them.

Come ride with us!
25
25
Review of For giveness  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Tour de Ports Registered Cycli...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
THe division of the word forgiveness into two words is more than slightly confusing to me. I can't understand what the poet is attempting to do with this... It does not seem to add any meaning in dividing the word... it makes it more confusing for me. I would suggest just removing the division. the last line confuses me too. i don't know where the crosses and rings phrase is coming from. Is it an allusion to some old element or story? I had difficulty chewing on this poem. I think it needs to be a little longer to either explain itself better or a little shorter to leave out the confusing elements. I really want to like this poem. The message is clear for me even if the flow is awkward for me.

Come ride with us!
825 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 33 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rinsoxy