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Review of Black Hair  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Black Hair." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“Black hair,” is a poem that I can personally relate to. Since I love dogs and cats, and have spent a great deal of time with them, I can honestly feel the pain that is associated with losing a beloved pet; perhaps even more so than others do, because they don’t truly understand. I have gleaned from various areas in your poem, just how FLT (faithful, loyal and true) this dog was. The poem is an emotional one, and it brought back some memories of the loss of my own beloved pet. Good job!

I did find that the line,”as they shipped you to help” could have been worded a little differently. Perhaps with punctuation it would read better, but this is just my opinion. Others may find that this isn’t so, and disagree. However, in spite of it all, it is still a great piece. Very nicely done! Thanks for sharing this with us, and keep writing.
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127
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hi

Here are my thoughts about, “My Love My Lord,” Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“My Love My Lord,” is a poem that reads like a prayer. The person is lamenting over their lost love. He questions God;” Can I ask? My treasured Lord,” concerning my relationship with her. He ask the questions, why? He misses her deeply and sheds tears of sorrow because she is gone. He even feels that he is at a loss for words. “Why this catastrophe?” This leads me to believe that it was a tragic loss, and not just an ended relationship. Your poem has a lot of emotions that are coming through to the reader. It is obvious that this person is loved. Nice job!

I am not quite sure about your word, relation. I can take that as meaning relationship, but that may not be what you intending here. I feel that this could be clarified more. Also, you wrote;” "Far our pain". I think you may have meant to say for our pain. At any rate, it is a pretty good poem that, with a little tweaking, can become a much better one. Thanks for sharing this with us. Have a good day and keep writing.
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128
Review of our first date.  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"our first date." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“our first date” is just about just as the title says, a first date. It tells about the experiences on that first date, and shows some of the emotions that you have felt. Although, I am not sure that this can be classified as a story, it seems more like a vignette or journal entry, I still think that the idea was a good one. I like the way you ended the piece with the last sentences; “Thanks to Carter Jackson. I was 17 and in love.”

I am going to assume that this is your first draft. You probably just wrote your ideas down with the intention of editing later. I say this because I found numerous spelling, and grammatical errors throughout, and what they do is,take away from what you are trying to say. I’m sure you don’t want to do that, but instead, leave your readers intrigued-feeling the same emotions that you have experienced. As I mentioned before, your idea for this story is a good one. You have several good elements going on here. You set the scene quite well, I think, and you described the boy and what he was wearing fairly well. There are other things that you could have mentioned to build your character even further, like his name etc; but you can always add this later. Right now I feel that the most important thing is to edit and correct the errors so that your story will read much better.

I won’t address all of corrections that I feel should be made, but I will name a few of them. [eachother] should be two words, [each other] I noticed that you have done this twice.

“He held my hand as we walked to are midnight picnick” [are] should be our and [picnick] is misspelled and should be [picnic]

Also the way you have it spaced, especially in the beginning, is distracting to the reader. It almost looks as if you were starting to write a poem.

“He had his dark brown his pushed to the side out of the way of his bright blue eyes.” You forgot to add the word hair. He had his dark brown [hair] pushed to the side… Other errors were noticed throughout too.

I think that you are off to a good start. however, you need to correct these errors and then go on from there. I strongly encourage you to do so because it will be well worth your effort. Please accept these comments in the spirit with which they are given; to help you. I will be more than happy to read, rate, and review this again after you are finished with your edits. Thanks for sharing this with us, and keep writing.



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129
Review of "Slaying Dragons"  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Slaying Dragons." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

This is a nice poem about overcoming ones struggles (their dragons) Your poem has some great imagery and the word choices are very good also. I didn’t see any errors in this poem. Nicely done! Thanks for sharing this with us, and keep writing.
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Review of Why?  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
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Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Why?" Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Content:

“Why,” is basically a story about a teenage romance that has ended. The girl now hates love, or at least she thinks she does, because she still has feelings (love) towards the boy who left her. It was her first true relationship and of course she is hurt. The story of teenage love is a pretty good topic to write about.




Structure:

This story is one in which there are many feelings and emotions that desires to come through. However, I see many errors throughout this piece, which to me; prevent this from happening. It is because of all of these errors that the reader gets distracted and the story loses its flow.

Some of the areas that can be looked into for correction are: misspelled words. There are several throughout. [unfortunetly] should be unfortunately. [relationsionship] should be relationship. [philosophy] should be philosophy. There are many more throughout the story that you may want to correct.

The sentences; “I had to be the heart breaker.” Try re-writing it like- It came to a point where ….
“And the worst pain is knowing (add the word) [that] forever he is gone, and forever he will be that way.”

There are also a few setennces that should be re-worded for clarity, like;” And for the distance we were we kept it pretty long. You could mean that you kept the distance long, which I don’t think you that you meant to say, or the phone conversation long? It can be taken as either.

All of these things that I have mentioned can use some editing. This may only be a draft, I don’t know because you didn’t mention it, but at any rate, they are worth taking a look at. Your story is definitely worth all of the effort of editing, and I encourage you to do so. I would be happy to read and rate this story again after you make the changes. These are all just my opinions that are offered to you in the spirit of trying to be helpful. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Have a nice day and keep writing.


Suggestions:


As above.


Overall:

Needs some work

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing.
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Review of THE ROAD  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"The Road." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

The “Road” is a poem, which to me, signifies some of the restraints put upon us by others. “You’re banned from the road, If you don’t have a load,” They want to take away someone’s right to do something, making them pay for what really should be shared and free. It sort of reminds me of a sixties song, ”Signs,” by the Five Man Electrical Band. At any rate, this was one of the feelings that came across to me as I read this.

I was curious why you had chosen to write the stanza’s in octaves, rather than in quatrains. Never-the-less, the octave stanza is fine. The rhythm of your poem is good also. It has the feel of it sounding almost limerick like. The rhyming scheme is very good using perfect rhyme. All in all, this a real nice poem. Thanks for sharing this with us, and keep writing.
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Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Please note that my review and comments about your poems is just my opinion, and they should be taken in the spirit with which they are given; that is, that is that, in some way, they could be of some help to you. You may do with them as you wish.

In your first modern Haiku, the image is trees, which you so beautifully described by using a metaphor; wearing colorful charms. Ahhh, it’s my favorite time of year when I use to live up north. Those bright flaming colorful charms were breathtaking. The particular line, which is my favorite, also alludes to a season, which in the traditional forms of Hakiu, must contain a season or a season word. Even though you’re Hakiu is written in the modern form, you’ve done this beautifully. In the last line of the piece; “Posing a pure form,” I felt that you could have used some other word choices. However, it is still fine and I understand what you are trying to say. Maybe instead of [a] using the word [in] in its place would be better. Thus you would have;[in pure form.] It’s just me of course and you should write what you feel, not what me or others think.

Your 2nd poem is nice too. Here watching the bending of the trees to each other, makes you think that they are conversing. I often think this way somewhat, usually about birds or animals;that they can speak to one another. You did a fine job on both these poem and I enjoyed reading them. Thanks for sharing with us. Have a great day and keep writing.


Boston Sig.
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133
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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“Birth of Evil,” is a short piece (only 300 words,) that was written for a contest. It had to contain three certain words to follow the rules of the contest. I think you pulled this off beautifully. I was impressed by the story you were able to tell. I particularly liked your ending, and I liked the fact that you mentioned Berkowitz as one of your greatest. In the world of serial killers, he still stands at the top, I think. I would like to see you take this story further. It would be well worth your efforts. Good job!


Boston Sig.
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Review of Eyes of the Earth  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Eyes of the Earth." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish. "Eyes of the Earth" is a story about the hardships faced by a family that has to deal with their son’s, Auka having disabilities. At first when I started reading the first chapter I was a little confused by the short sentences and the dialogue that was spoken. However, as I continued to read I realized that this was from the perspective of the boy. It saddens me every time I hear of someone being teased or mistreated because they have a disability. This happens more often than not, especially with children who can sometimes be cruel. Your ending leaves the reader wondering just what the message was. Nice job on this! Thanks for sharing it with us and keep writing.
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Review of my love my beauty  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"my love my beauty." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.
“my love my beauty,” is a poem that conveys quite well, the feelings emotions, and love towards someone who is far away from their intended.
I noticed several things about this piece that you may want to consider revising. First there is the issue with the small case [I’s] they should be capitalized in my opinion.

The poem is written in free form style. There is no rhyme scheme, but that doesn’t take anything away from the piece. The verses of this poem seem a bit odd to me. You used eight lines, an octave, for your first and third verses. Then you changed it to five lines a (Quintet) for the 2nd and 4th verses. You also made use of anaphora- repeating the words “my love my beauty,” in the first and third verse (the octaves), and then you repeat the word “only” in verses two and four.(The quintets) I am curious as to why you have done this. To me this seems to change the rhythm of the poem, and you may have done better by staying with the same number of lines throughout.

I would do some experimenting with this poem. Try writing the poem entirely in quatrains. Them maybe drop line-24,[” to go on with my life”] and in its place add line thirteen. Shorten some of your lines, like ”i can't even write well when you're gone.” Play around with the piece a little. I think that you can give it a better feel and it will become much stronger. However, I want to stress to you that these are only my opinions respectfully offered to you in the hopes that they will, in some way, be of help. Thanks for sharing your poem with us. I hope you have a great day, and keep writing.
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Review of Homelessness  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Homelessness." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.


You described quite well in just 41 words your feelings and thoughts on the homeless. This is an important issue indeed, and it is a growing problem; especially now in this very poor economy. I think that we will be seeing a lot more people becoming homeless in one way or another. There is some help out there for them though. Many places around the country have various programs established to help the homeless. Then of course, there is the church, which should be helping them.

"When you give a luncheon or a dinner, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbors, lest they also invite you in return, and repayment come to you. But when you give a reception, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, since they do not have the means to repay you; for you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous." Luke 14:12-14. I think that you have chosen a good topic for you poem, and with further work it can be an even better one. Nice job! Thanks for sharing this with us, and keep writing.
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Review of Night at the Lake  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Night at the Lake." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Content:


“Night at the Lake” is a good story which has a surprise ending. Although the story is very short the character was developed well. It read easily with a nice flow and caught my interest right from your opening sentence. I love ending like this too. Good job! Thanks for sharing your story with us and keep writting.


Overall:

A good read
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138
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Ancient dragon Battle to death." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“Ancient Dragon Battle to Death” is a story about Hao Long who is a Chinese Dragon, and Cao Lu Long a dragon from Japan. They are two different dragons who hate one another because of the differences in the number of claws that they each have. Because of this they are rivals and they battle each other. In the end Hao Long wins and stays the Great Chinese Dragon of the Han people!!

In much the same way as the two dragons, people have many differences too. There are many things about people that are different, and just like the number of claws that the dragons had were different; people will hate one another too and they sometimes battle. Thus, there is the institution of war. Unfortunately it was this way from the beginning of time and will stay that way until the end of time. I like your story even though I had a difficult time reading it because of the language barrier. I realize how difficult this can be. Learning and writing in a different language is certainly a challenge and takes a lot of time to study. I commend you for your efforts and want to encourage you to keep at it. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Keep writing.
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Review of The Mold of Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"The Mold of Life." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Content:

“The Mold of Life,” is a good title for this poem and in just upon those four words, one can expound much truth. Each individual is unique, special in their own right, having a footprint of their own. I think that everyone is seeking the best in life and desiring no strife. We desire to be the captain of our own hearts and when we allow others to try and “break the mold,” that’s when we run into trouble. This is a good short poem. It is precise and to the point. I really like short poems. My favorite part is;”While trying to recreate what was once perfection; Will now be scattered in different directions." Good job!





Structure:

The poem is written in rhyming couplets-five verses in all. It seems to flow along nicely, although there are a few places where the rhythm is off a bit. Sybille count is not consistent throughout, but never- the less, you come across quite well. Choice of words is very good and you bring out a lot of emotion and fine imagery in this piece.




Overall:

A good read.

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing.
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140
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"a children's counting rhyme." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Content:

“a children's counting rhyme” does exactly as your title says,counts in rhyme; and it does this very well. The poem is very well written. It is a marvelous tool with which to use in teaching children addition and subtraction. It will make it fun for them to learn. Putting this into a book with pictures would be a great; since children do like to have a lot of visuals. I also think that it was cleverly fantastic how you used the numbers on (beginning words,) to count down from ten (ten, nine, eight and so on) while using the numbers on the last words to count up. By highlighting these words you give it some added visual for the young reader. I love this piece. Very well done!


Structure:


Your rhyme scheme a b c b works very well and your choice of words were excellent. The syllable pattern was off in a few places. I suspect you were going for five in each line, but this still does not affect the rhythm, and the poem seems to flow along nicely.



Overall:

A great children's poem.

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing.
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Review of BEST FRIENDS  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Christine and welcome to WDC.

Here are my thoughts about,"Best Friends." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Content:


“BEST FRIENDS” is a short story which teaches young and old alike, a valuable lesson. There is wonderful moral to the story, and it is an enjoyable read. I think most people can relate to having someone treat them poorly at one time or another. This is especially the case with children. Children can be cruel, and being in school with many different personality types, these sorts of things will surely happen. You can feel the hurt felt by Janie when Manuella said to her, “Oh, I had to invite all of the kids in the class or my Mom wouldn’t let me have a party.” Words can hurt. What I liked most about this was the wise way that Janie handled the situation. Most probably would lash out in vengeance of some kind, but Janie choose the better way; the wise way. A very wise man, King Solomon once told how to treat the enemy. He said:

"If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat;
if he is thirsty, give him water to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head,
and the LORD will reward you."

In essence isn't this what Janie had done? Nice story. You’ve done a fine job with it.*Thumbsup*




Structure:

Two things that I would like to mention to you that I think may improve this piece: The first is that you could be a little more creative with your tags. Try using something else rather than the usual she said or Janie said etc. The other thing that I think you can do also is to make the ending a bit longer. “She, Karen and Janie hugged each other and Ricky came over to take their picture.” Ending with this, made the end sound a little rushed in my opinion. Never-the-less, this is still a good story. Well done!


Suggestions:

As above.



Overall:

A nice read.

Thanks for sharing your story with us, and keep writing.*Delight*
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Review of Envy  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Envy." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Content:

"Envy" is a poem about a girl (Cassie) who has love for James, but the feeling is not mutual. As they are sitting enjoying themselves by the seashore until Sandy comes along which broke Cassie’s heart. There is a lot of emotion and feelings in this piece and it had a good flow and read quite well. Nice job!


Structure:


Poem is written in quatrains and has 4 stanzas. You used no one particular rhyme scheme in this poem. You started with rhyming the 2nd and 4th lines and then in verse 2 you change using internal rhyme [seashore-uproar] [shore-uproar] [sunshine-line] My opinion is to choose one type of rhyme scheme and stay with it throughout the piece. There’s a good choice of words used and the imagery is fine. In the last verse, [could’nt] should be [couldn’t] and in stanza 3 maybe using goodbyes would sound better. Just a thought though. However, all these things aside, you still have written a pretty nice poem.



Suggestions:

As above



Overall:

A good read.

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing.
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Review of Scars  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi Bill

Here are my thoughts about,"Scars." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Content:

“Scars” is a rather sad and depressing piece about love lost. Sadness is felt over the loss of a love and the person feels that they were never quite good enough. Feelings of inadequacy and self loathing seem to appear and the person becomes depressed and feels that they “endured days on end of being trapped in a world without light.” He also has to live with a constant reminder of her, not only in his heart and mind, but also on his arm by having her named tattooed there. Finally, there are thoughts of not going on and ending his life. “So now, as I tie this noose, I hope it is better than the knife.” This is a part of the depression that he is experiencing, but deep inside he knows that the “scars still remain.”




Structure:

I noticed a few things that you may want to consider revising. “the breath I pray to God will stop.” It may sound better using the word [that] or writing it as the very breath I’m praying God will stop. This is just my opinion though. At any rate, I do know just what you are saying with this as is. Also,[The same dull rhythm; in and out, in and out.] This is an incomplete sentence. You may want to take another look at this. However, putting all of these things aside, it is still a pretty good piece. I do feel though that you could have made it a little longer. Nice job!


Suggestions:

as above.



Overall:

a good read

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing.
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Review of Last Stand  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1619277 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Last Stand." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Content:

This is a good free verse poem. It has some good rhyme and the word choices good. You used some great imagery and expressed much emotion in this piece. My favorite lines has to be the last two; “Grab the bottle? Take the gun? Stay and fight? Turn and run? Good job! Thanks for sharing this with us and keep writting.





.
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Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
"Modern Day Pushers" is a fun read and the comedic style of this poem comes across very well. The title chosen was a very fitting one for this piece. Although this poem is entertaining in an amusing carefree way, it also has a more serious side to it if the reader takes the time to ponder that. There are modern day pushers out there; they are called doctors, pharmaceutical companies, and prescription drug dealers who are out on the streets. Most of them either intentionally, or not, are in it for the money. Prescribed drugs, with the many side effects, sometimes do more harm to the individual than the problem for which they were prescribed for. "Do these pills make you sick? Is there blood in your pee?" Many doctors are only too anxious to have you throw these compounds into your body. I have seen firsthand the many issues that people have had with their prescription medication. Then there are the side effects and the drug contraindication that goes along with all of this. My interpretation your poem was twofold; the comedy and the serious issues that is brought about on this subject. Good job! I enjoyed this piece very much.

The poem is written in quatrains and has 10 verses. There is an x-b-x-b rhyming scheme used here and you make good use of rhyme. The poem didn't follow any particular syllable count; however it still had a nice rhythm and flow to it. The only area that I had a bit of difficulty with is in the 3rd verse last line."It'll for sure do the trick!" I sort of stumbled on this line. Maybe it is because of the contraction [It'll] I don't know, but it just didn't feel right to me. However, that is only my opinion though.
Boston
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Review of Tiny New Star  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi and welcome to WDC

Here are my thoughts about,"Tiny New Star." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Content:

“Tiny New Star” is a nice poem that has a good feeling to it. The tiny star which has nice thoughts about you, guides your way by its light. Very nice!
You used a good choice of words and presented some fine imagery in this poem. My favorite part is, “I came this far, So you would know, That who you are, You have yet to show.” That thought is nicely worded.



Structure:

The poem is written in quatrains with a total of 7 stanzas. It has a rhyming scheme of A-B-C-B. I found the rhythm to be off in various places, but it is the most noticeable in the 2nd stanza. In line four of that stanza, the rhythm is thrown way off by the line being too long. This was the major issue I had with your poem. Also, in that same verse, the words [is] and [live] do not rhyme, making the stanza seem even a little more awkward.


Suggestions:

As I mentioned above. Take another look at your 2nd stanza and see how you can edit it.



Overall:

A pretty good poem

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing.
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147
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1605683 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Traversing The Sea Of Life" Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Content:

"Traversing The Sea Of Life" is a nice piece which teaches us a good lesson. I enjoyed reading it because you told a good story. This brings me to my next comment about you listing this as a poem. To me, it reads like a story put into the format of a poem. It, in my opinion, would be better classified as pose. However, as I already mentioned, I found this to be a good read never-the-less.


Suggestions:

I would consider changing the classification from poem to pose, short story, or maybe even vignette.



Overall:

A real good read.

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing.
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Review of Tears like rain  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1605683 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Tears like rain." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.


Good poem which displays some great imagery. The feeling of loss comes through quite well in this piece. My favorite part is;”No one can find me, for I am invisible to the world.” One looses themselves and is seen by no one else. They are not that same person again, but changed. Disassociating themselves from all the pain and loss that they are feeling; they are hidden from the world. “Once again I hide under a shield of rain and tears.” Nicely done! Thanks for sharing this and keep writting.
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Review of Cancer Girl  Open in new Window.
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #1605683 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Cancer Girl." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Content:

“When the words "You have cancer" came out of my doctors mouth it felt like a ton of bricks pelted me in the face.” I think that this would be a good opening sentence for this piece. My favorite part is; “But my faith in God made me forget the gamble I was making.” This is so true. Indeed He is the one we can turn to in our times of need. I like this story. It’s not that I like what you had to go through, God forbid, but I like it because a lot of feeling and emotion was put into it. I think that this plainly comes though to your reader. I am glad to hear that everything turned out good for you. As you said, cancer is a feared disease. In fact, it is the number 1 feared, with Alzheimer’s being 2nd.


Structure:

I noticed some errors throughout this piece that need correcting. There are some misspelled words like;[hadn’t]hadn’t, [fatiuged] fatigued, [inensive] intensive intensive [tried] tried and [whick\h] which. Also, you should capitalize all of your i’s. You made use of the words “all the time,” to often in the 2nd paragraph. This stood out to me.

“Even though I am [done] with cancer…” I would suggest that you change the word done for through, or something else. Done just don’t sound right to me.



Suggestions:

I suggest that you go through your story again and make the necessary changes. It is definitely worth the effort. I would be happy to read and review it again after you make the changes. Thanks for sharing this with us. Have a great day and keep writing.
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150
Review by Boston Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
** Image ID #1605683 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Torturing the Hated One." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Content:

You gave a good description of someone who is being tortured. You were graphic, and I think the feeling of revengeful hate came through quite well in this write. The story is dark and it shows some good possibilities.


Structure:


However, this story is lacking some key elements. A description of the characters would be nice. Who was being tortured? Why was he being tortured? Where did this take place? Developing your characters, and making known to your reader, exactly what he had done that would possibly justify the torture, would add a great deal to the story.

I also found that some of your sentences need to be re-worded for clarity. For example your sentence,” I would make him suffer all the traumatic scars that he gave me while I saw him and not” could use clarification. There are others also throughout this piece. There is also the overuse of the word [giggle] in the story. It was mention 6 or 7 times.

In the sentence;” Looking up at him to see the pained look in his eyes, I giggled and thrust downwards on the dagger. It would be better to say[the look of pain in his eyes.]


Suggestions:

I suggest that you take another look at your story and make some of the necessary edits. I would be happy to read and review this again after the changes are made. Thanks for sharing this with us. Have a nice day and keep writing.



Overall:

Needs more work.
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