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Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Destiny... (The Move Ahead) Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“Destiny... (The Move Ahead)” is a free verse piece basically telling the reader that all paths lead to the same place. Your poem is written well, although I found the rhythm off in a few places. But, as free verse often goes, I guess it is acceptable. I reviewed one of your other poems before, “HAIKUS (about trees), “ and I thought that poem was better; being that it was geared more towards my personal taste.

Although this poem is well written, I respectfully do not agree with your reasoning. In this piece, one would probably bringt to mind the old saying; “All roads lead to Rome” forgetting that Rome was destroyed. Therefore, do all paths eventually lead to destruction? You wrote;”

“To the path which lead you to

the valley of thy destined goal.

Not the path which left you in

the valley of horrible den.”


To me there is a bit of a paradox here because you speak of a different path; the one leaving you in a horrible den. If I understand this correctly there were two paths, and two different destinations. By choosing either one, it doesn’t take you to the same place. There is a choice to be made. Now one may argue that it is the will of God, but is it His permissive will, or his divine will that has you in the place where you are at right now? However, in one sense, eventually His divine will does determine ones final destination; for some He has predestined for life, while others He predestined for death.

This is a hard concept to accept, even for Christian’s, and many of them disagree about this. There are many theological debates between Christians’ (Calvinism vs. Arminianism) on these different interpretations. But, putting those differences of doctrine aside, they (Christians) still agree on the major points of Christianity, which I won’t bother to list here.

Your poem does evoke thought and opens up many doors for discussion which I believe was your intent. In that respect, you’ve done a good
job.

In conlusion, I will tell you what my favorite part of this piece is.

“Lowing to self, I ask slow O my master! Where to go?”



Thanks for sharing your poem with us. I enjoyed the read, and keep writing.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Deceived  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Deceived." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“Deceived,” is a poem that many of us can relate to. Relationships sometimes end, and heartbreak is never easy. My favorite part is; “The mistake I’ll always repeat Your tears mark my deceit.” Nice job!

I found the first stanza of your poem, especially the first line, In need of a little something more. I had sort a rough time when reading it, and had to go back and re-read it again. This interrupted the flow of the piece for me. Maybe a few word changes will correct this. Thanks for sharing your poem with us and keep writing.
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Review of You're Crazy  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"You're Crazy." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“Your Crazy,” is a dark piece that contains a paradox in just about every line. This is an interesting style. I think my favorite line in this piece is;” It hurt when I'm happy and feels pleasant when I'm sad.” There are some things that you can do to improve to this piece. These are only my suggestions though; you are the one who will ultimately decide on what you want to do.

A few corrections: [your] should be you’re. In the 2nd line I am not quite sure what you want to say, but I think sun rise is meant to be sunrise. This being the case, you may want to say;”At sunrise try and make it a surprise.” Third line; again this is just my opinion, I think using the word [my] would be a better choice:“ Cut me deep and keep the my blood inside.” In my favorite line, you need to change the word [hurt] to hurts. It hurts when I’m happy….. Then finally, in the last line of the poem, change the word [me] to myself. “…keep myself from going mad.”

In conclusion; A bit of editing on such things as I have just pointed out, will make your poem sound better, and present better, to your readers. I will be happy to review this poem again after you make your edits. I think that you have a good start on this. The piece just needs some more polishing. Thanks for sharing with us, and keep writing.
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Review of Theory On Hatred  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Theory On Hatred." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Theory On Hatred,” is an interesting column that can provoke a lot of thought about hatred. You make several good points throughout your column.

“…then why waste your time and energy thinking about how much you hate them.” Here, I think, you make a good point. These feelings of hatred, when fueled by your thoughts, emotions, and your communications (hateful words) with others about it; “fuels the fire.” This is especially the case regarding the latter. This is how the fire spreads. Speaking out about your hate for someone, something, or some group, will eventually grow to a point where others too, will hate them, regardless if all that is being said about them is true. People’s minds will change after hearing those deceitful things over and over again. They begin to question it themselves. So, you can spread hate, even to a disastrous position. A case in point is; the Holocaust.


It is a normal emotion to hate, just like anger is also a normal human emotion. It is ingrained in us. However, it is how we deal with these emotions that matter.

“…things are sent to try us and they happen for a reason.” Here you state another good point. Possibly, to teach us how we handle that types of situation, (a test) is one reason that these things are sent our way.


“This negative energy could be used elsewhere and made into positive energy to put towards those you love and cherish.” This comment, that you made, reminded me of what I read in the bible, it says;” If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you.” Proverbs 25:21-22.

I know that this sounds odd, but throughout my years, it has worked for me. It isn’t always an easy thing to do, but by my doing good, strangely enough, it caused me to like the ones that I started out hating.


I think you’ve done a fine job on this piece. It is well written. My suggestions for this are to expound on the subject more. I saw a little typo at the beginning of your 2nd sentence [alot] needs a space to read a lot.
Thanks for sharing this with us, and keep writing.
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Review of The Bench  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"The Bench." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Today I came across your story on the reviewers request page. I decided that I would read it and offer you my feedback.

“The Bench,” opens beautifully and you draw the reader right into park with your vivid description. The man takes his son on long walks in the park every day, and they would sit on the bench. He tells the boy all about his company, and that someday, he will inherit it all. The father has great plans for the boy and wishes for him to succeed. He has big hopes and plans for his son’s future; as every loving father has. After years pass and the boy becomes a man he shares his father’s avarice. Later the son dies. “What does succeeding in the future matter if there is to be none?”

One of my first thoughts that entered my mind after reading this, was that it reminded me of the words of Christ found in Luke 12:15. “Then he said to them, "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." Then He goes on to tell a parable.

Your story is good. There is great imagery throughout. What I found lacking in the story was more details about the man and his son. I felt that more of their background-their feelings, emotions, and just who they were, was needed.

One thing that was rather distracting for me was the way in which you have chosen to name the man (Mr. T___ ) and the park (Q___Park) All in all though, this is a good story and it's definitely worth expanding into a larger piece. Keep writing.
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Review of Who was Jesus?  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Who was Jesus?" Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.


I happened to see this poll today and thought that I would respond to it. Since this is an older poll; created on 07.14.2008, and last modified on 07.05.2010, I surmise that’s it is the reason for anyone not being able to participate in the actual poll. However, I thought that I would respond in a review.

“Who Was Jesus?” This is a good question to ask, and it is question in which you can expect to receive many different types of answers. Ask and yea shall receive. (Pun intended) I would have phrased the question differently though, by changing the verb [was] to [is]. Who Is Jesus?

He can be many different things. “He is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end.” He is a great teacher, prophet, priest, and king. He was God incarnate. He referred to Himself as “I Am.” I can go on and on.

To unbelievers, or people who just aren’t sure and want somemore facts, then, besides the Bible, I would recommend the following books: “More Than a Carpenter,” by Josh McDowell and “Who Moved the Stone,” By Frank Morrison. Both of these books are excellent and they contain many great facts. “The Case for Christ,” by Lee Strobel is also very good.

My response to this poll would have to be answer # 1 (God in the Flesh,) because I think that this response is the best one. Some of the others you stated like; “A Good Teacher, A Great Teacher, and a Prophet,” would also apply to Christ; but you can only give one answer.

You requested; "If you have a moment please let me know why you picked what you did.” Well, this is my moment, and the response to my choice. From this review you probably came to the conclusion that I have some interest in Christian apologetics. I do, but it has been many years since i've done any studying on the subject.

This is a good poll. I would, however, revamp it a little by choosing some different response choices. Thanks for sharing with us.
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Review of My gentle promise  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"My gentle promise." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

"My gentle promise" is a nice free verse poem about a sister that has passed on. She is missed, yet she still can be heard “Through volumes of unspoken words.” The vow at the end of this piece is my favorite part. ''I won't say goodbye Until my dying breath... This I swear.” I think that this was a great way to end the poem. It is worded beautifully and sums up all of the emotion you felt. Thanks for sharing this poem with us. Keep writing.
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Review of Every Time  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Everytime." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“Everytime,” is a poem of romance where you describe your feelings for your intended in a very emotional way. I like the use of the short sentences, they seem to add a sense of urgency. “The touch of your lips, a fantasy. The taste of your life, a reality. The feel of your body, a pleasure.” Nicely done! In the line,” perhaps not everytime,” [everytime] should be every time. Thanks for sharing your poem with us, and keep writing.
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Review of mothers love  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"mothers love." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.


“mothers love;” is a powerful piece which asks a very tough question for a woman to answer. I wouldn’t want that question to be asked of anyone. What a difficult decision this is to make; and to add even more stress to the situation, it has to be answered rather quickly.

I have honestly seen these typs of situations played out both ways when I use to work at a hospital. Any decision that was made, was unique to the individuals own circumstances. But, there is one factor that always remains constant, and that is; it is heart wrenching.
This is a good poem, although sad, and it and full of a lot emotion. Nice job!

A few things I noticed that you may, or may not, want to edit. If you separate this poem into three quatrains, it will make for a much nicer presentation. I noticed a few typos: [somethings] should be some things [heavens] should be heaven’s. Also, I would go with the use of capitalization, but that is just my opinion. Thanks for sharing your poem with us, and keep writing.
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Review of Silent Love  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Silent Love." please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.


"Silent love;" is a poem about breaking up and the pain and feelings that's associated with it. You used a fine choice of words in this poem and all of the emotions come through quite well. The rhyming is very good throughout also.

The only problem that I had with this poem is the syllable count-rhythm. You changed it and towards the end of the piece, the lines became longer. This disrupted the flow for me. My suggestion is to try and stay constant throughout the poem. I think by keeping it even, it would greatly improve this poem. That is just my own opinion. The poem is still a fine piece filled with good words to express your feelings. Nice job!
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Review of Summer's End  
Review by Boston
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dolphin Image



“Summer's End;” is an awesome poem of reminiscing about much happier and better times in the past; when you’re still in your prime. Having nice memories, such as these, makes it a peaceful and serene way to breathe your last.

My favorite part of the poem is the first verse, especially;” My failing body is my jail; my sole offense - I’ve past my prime.” You used a wonderful choice of words in this piece to create all of the fine imagery that is present throughout; and this is done so with much emotion. I like the inverted refrain form that you used. I was glad that you added the authors note telling about this particular form. I wasn't familiar with it, but now I think that I may try writing using this form. Great job and definitely worth the *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star* rating. Thanks for sharing this with us and keep up the great writing.
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Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi Maggie and welcome to WDC.

Here are my thoughts about,"The hermit in the Crevice." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Content:

The hermit in the crevice, is a free verse poem written in three quatrains with a rhyming pattern of a-b-a-b. There are some real good lines to this piece which I personally love, like; “I am the silence in the night. The quiet desperation.” In fact, I love the entire first verse. For me the poem brings about a certain strange feeling, when reading it. In some sense…even erie, but in a good sort of way. This poem is nicely done. Good job!


Suggestions:

None that i can think of.



Overall:

A good read

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing.
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Review of Nature's Treasure  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi Wilma and welcome to WDC.

Here are my thoughts about,"Nature's Treasure." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.


“Nature’s Treasure,” is truly a lovely poem depicting the beauty of one of God’s masterpieces (flowers) with their vibrant colors and voluptuous blooms. The bloombs, are still not mature yet-but are just beginning to blossom into this majestic and beautiful flowers. Much like in life, people begin life, and with the proper nurturing and care; become fully bloomed into someone beautiful and unique. This poem has a lot of fine imagery and the reader can just imagine, and picture in their minds, these flowers of the valley. You have used a good choice of words to accomplish this. Well done!

I did, however, find a few things that I feel should be looked at and considered for editing. You started out wonderfully with the Sybille count of 7-6-7-6. Then the syllabics start to go off track in the third verse; where you change it to 8-7-8-7. Now, this isn’t too bad right here. It is not very noticeable still sort of keeping with the rhythm and flow of the piece. It is in the next verse where it really starts presenting a problem. Here it is drastically changed to 9-7-8-12, with that last line (of 12 syllables) really throwing the rhythm off, in my opinion. Finally, in the last verse you return back to more of a count that is closer inline to the beginning, 7-6-7-6 count. I would suggest that you try and maintain the 7-6-7-6 count throughout the piece. A few word changes will correct this. For instance; in the last verse you can consider something like changing the word scent to fragrance in the first line, and then add the word and to the beginning of the next line. Then in the line; ”For this This [x}flowerflowers’ is a masterpiece.” Thus it will read; "This flowers' a masterpiece."

Also, I found a few typo’s like; [over night] should be one word-overnight. You need to put more of a space between the first and second verse to divide your stanza.

In conclusion; this is a very nice poem. All of the things that I have mentioned to you are very easy fixes. They would certainly be worth any effort you make to edit them. Remember that these are only my own opinions given to you in the spirit of helpfulness. They are in no way; neither should they be taken, as being negative criticism. Thanks for sharing your poem with us, and keep writing.
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Review of The American Way  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"The american Way." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Content:

This is a delightful poem showing all of the different ethnic diversities that are blended together perfectly in America. Well done!


Structure:

I noticed some errors in this piece however. Line two, [eys] needs to be eyes. In line eight, [Pekenese] should be Pekinese. I also feel that line three can be re-worded differently to give the poem a more even flow. All in all though, it is still a nice poem.


Suggestions:


As mentioned above.


Overall:

A good read

Thanks for sharing this with us, and keep writing.
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Review of My Father and Me  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"My Father and Me." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.


“My Father and Me,” is a wonderful poem of faith. It brings the assurance and peace of knowing that, someday all who believe and follow Christ will live with Him eternally in His heavenly kingdom. You’ve done a very nice job expressing you faith and love for Him.

I noticed that in the last verse, 2nd line, you made a typo with the word [The] I think you meant to write then. You may want to correct this. All in all though, you wrote a very good poem. Well done! Thanks for sharing. Have a great day, and keep writing.
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Review by Boston
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"The Love He Brings." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“The Love He Brings,” is a very good poem depicting a woman’s love, desire, and deep yearnings for a man she loves. There is some fine imagery throughout this piece and you made use of the well chosen words; which brings your emotions out quite well in this poem. My favorite lines in your poem are; "No longer breathes the innocent Who blushed at every compliment." Nice job!

I have done a very quick scansion on this piece. You have chosen to write it in iambic tetrameter. The syllable count is off in lines 7, 8, and 9. But that doesn’t seem to interrupt the flow of things. You can try using some other word replacements to correct this issue. An off the top of my head example may be; using the word [another] to replace the word different in line 8. It’s just a thought. However, the poem is still very good as it. You have used a nice rhyme scheme a-a-b-b and the rhyme is very good throughout. Thanks for sharing your poem with us and keep writing.
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Review of Tea Kettle In Awe  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Tea Kettle In Awe." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“Tea Kettle In Awe,” is a lovely poem which pours out a stream of warm cozy feelings, letting memories of happier times steep through my mind. At least that is what it did to me as I read it. It took me back, in my mind, to when I was a very young boy in my grandmother’s kitchen. As she put on a pot of tea, and was fussing around in the kitchen, I could always hear her softly singing an old hymn as she worked. Times then, were trouble free. Oh, to get those moments back again!

You’ve done a wonderful job on this one. The rhyme is good as is the rhythm of the piece. I think it would make a nice children’s poem too. Thanks for sharing and keep writing.







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Review of HER PATH  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Her Path." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“Her Path,” is a very emotionally moving poem of love. You have painted a picture with your words. Great Imagery! The poem is worded beautifully and it flows along quite well. It places the reader right into the scene that you have set, and it holds them there by the grip of your well chosen words. Some of my favorite lines are;” His eyes held a lifetime to know,” and “Their fingers met in the mist.” Actually, the entire poem is filled with many good lines and great word choices. Very nicely done! This is definitely worth a *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star* rating in my opinion. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing.
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Review of Morpheus  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"morpheus." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“Morpheus.” I like this one, maybe even better than your other poem, “summer perfume,” which was also good, by the way. My favorite part is the last four lines;”Life oft’ times Is a lot like a dream..Some times up river and some times down stream.”

Some suggestions that I have, however, are to correct the words [some times] and [down stream.] They should both be spelled as one word: sometimes and downstream. Minor fixes, to be sure. This is another fine poem nicely penned. Thanks for sharing with us, and keep writing.
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Review of Trapped  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"trapped." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.


“Trapped,” is an excellent title for this piece. In trapped, the person is indeed trapped, stuck and wishing that those walls were broken.

The subject of the poem is trapped in a relationship and they feel that there is no way out for them. They are being mistreated and abused, but seemingly, they cannot get away. While anguished, feeling depressed, hopeless, and all alone, they wish for freedom from it all, but really don’t know how to attain it.

Abusive relationships are very hard to deal with. Often times, although the person wants to be free, they still are bound by the love that they still feel towards the other person. They MUST break away. Their own safety is at stake. I personally think that they should, in spite of the fact that, normally, under different circumstances, other than this one, I would suggest that they try to work things out. The emotions and the tension come through quite well in this piece. Nice job! Thanks for sharing this with us and keep writing.
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Review of Black Hair  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Black Hair." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“Black hair,” is a poem that I can personally relate to. Since I love dogs and cats, and have spent a great deal of time with them, I can honestly feel the pain that is associated with losing a beloved pet; perhaps even more so than others do, because they don’t truly understand. I have gleaned from various areas in your poem, just how FLT (faithful, loyal and true) this dog was. The poem is an emotional one, and it brought back some memories of the loss of my own beloved pet. Good job!

I did find that the line,”as they shipped you to help” could have been worded a little differently. Perhaps with punctuation it would read better, but this is just my opinion. Others may find that this isn’t so, and disagree. However, in spite of it all, it is still a great piece. Very nicely done! Thanks for sharing this with us, and keep writing.
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Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about, “My Love My Lord,” Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“My Love My Lord,” is a poem that reads like a prayer. The person is lamenting over their lost love. He questions God;” Can I ask? My treasured Lord,” concerning my relationship with her. He ask the questions, why? He misses her deeply and sheds tears of sorrow because she is gone. He even feels that he is at a loss for words. “Why this catastrophe?” This leads me to believe that it was a tragic loss, and not just an ended relationship. Your poem has a lot of emotions that are coming through to the reader. It is obvious that this person is loved. Nice job!

I am not quite sure about your word, relation. I can take that as meaning relationship, but that may not be what you intending here. I feel that this could be clarified more. Also, you wrote;” "Far our pain". I think you may have meant to say for our pain. At any rate, it is a pretty good poem that, with a little tweaking, can become a much better one. Thanks for sharing this with us. Have a good day and keep writing.
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Review of our first date.  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"our first date." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

“our first date” is just about just as the title says, a first date. It tells about the experiences on that first date, and shows some of the emotions that you have felt. Although, I am not sure that this can be classified as a story, it seems more like a vignette or journal entry, I still think that the idea was a good one. I like the way you ended the piece with the last sentences; “Thanks to Carter Jackson. I was 17 and in love.”

I am going to assume that this is your first draft. You probably just wrote your ideas down with the intention of editing later. I say this because I found numerous spelling, and grammatical errors throughout, and what they do is,take away from what you are trying to say. I’m sure you don’t want to do that, but instead, leave your readers intrigued-feeling the same emotions that you have experienced. As I mentioned before, your idea for this story is a good one. You have several good elements going on here. You set the scene quite well, I think, and you described the boy and what he was wearing fairly well. There are other things that you could have mentioned to build your character even further, like his name etc; but you can always add this later. Right now I feel that the most important thing is to edit and correct the errors so that your story will read much better.

I won’t address all of corrections that I feel should be made, but I will name a few of them. [eachother] should be two words, [each other] I noticed that you have done this twice.

“He held my hand as we walked to are midnight picnick” [are] should be our and [picnick] is misspelled and should be [picnic]

Also the way you have it spaced, especially in the beginning, is distracting to the reader. It almost looks as if you were starting to write a poem.

“He had his dark brown his pushed to the side out of the way of his bright blue eyes.” You forgot to add the word hair. He had his dark brown [hair] pushed to the side… Other errors were noticed throughout too.

I think that you are off to a good start. however, you need to correct these errors and then go on from there. I strongly encourage you to do so because it will be well worth your effort. Please accept these comments in the spirit with which they are given; to help you. I will be more than happy to read, rate, and review this again after you are finished with your edits. Thanks for sharing this with us, and keep writing.



124
124
Review of "Slaying Dragons"  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Slaying Dragons." Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

This is a nice poem about overcoming ones struggles (their dragons) Your poem has some great imagery and the word choices are very good also. I didn’t see any errors in this poem. Nicely done! Thanks for sharing this with us, and keep writing.
125
125
Review of Why?  
Review by Boston
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
** Image ID #1518016 Unavailable **



Hi

Here are my thoughts about,"Why?" Please remember that these are only my opinions, and they are respectfully given to you. You may do with them as you wish.

Content:

“Why,” is basically a story about a teenage romance that has ended. The girl now hates love, or at least she thinks she does, because she still has feelings (love) towards the boy who left her. It was her first true relationship and of course she is hurt. The story of teenage love is a pretty good topic to write about.




Structure:

This story is one in which there are many feelings and emotions that desires to come through. However, I see many errors throughout this piece, which to me; prevent this from happening. It is because of all of these errors that the reader gets distracted and the story loses its flow.

Some of the areas that can be looked into for correction are: misspelled words. There are several throughout. [unfortunetly] should be unfortunately. [relationsionship] should be relationship. [philosophy] should be philosophy. There are many more throughout the story that you may want to correct.

The sentences; “I had to be the heart breaker.” Try re-writing it like- It came to a point where ….
“And the worst pain is knowing (add the word) [that] forever he is gone, and forever he will be that way.”

There are also a few setennces that should be re-worded for clarity, like;” And for the distance we were we kept it pretty long. You could mean that you kept the distance long, which I don’t think you that you meant to say, or the phone conversation long? It can be taken as either.

All of these things that I have mentioned can use some editing. This may only be a draft, I don’t know because you didn’t mention it, but at any rate, they are worth taking a look at. Your story is definitely worth all of the effort of editing, and I encourage you to do so. I would be happy to read and rate this story again after you make the changes. These are all just my opinions that are offered to you in the spirit of trying to be helpful. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Have a nice day and keep writing.


Suggestions:


As above.


Overall:

Needs some work

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing.
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