Hello Mr. Kane --- Thank you for your entry into "Invalid Item"
I took a few pauses to thoroughly enjoy your traditional length short story, THE PEOPLE UPSTAIRS. Great title!
This is indeed a clincher. You've appropriate setting --- Long Island.
Family tie and characters, Grandmother, David and even Dolon --- whose concluding phone call ends the tale in an endearing type compliment as if a payback to the Sullivan family.
OF: The people upstairs, those invisible mites whom harass the kind old lady, who even cooks for them -- using the hostess card here is quite an addition -- the unplugged TV, reminiscent of Steven King's
STORM OF THE CENTURY -- all combine with fine plotting, step-by-step fortitude making this one a true keeper.
"An eerie tale of dark and light comes into play in the flash fiction: THE PIPER by KenWebb (user:kenwebb} Readers might want to stand back a few paces when they enter this tale, when a concerned "Carolyn Evans" inherits a new case. From climax of THE PIPER can the http://www.writing.com audience take home a fresh kill? Or picture a new monster on the block? During a brief climax for the delusions of Ben Wyr, a patient whom seems less troubled by darkness than one might expect, might entertainment for horror genre surround? Open this one and decide." Rev/10/25/16
Good pen
Good luck in the contest
Thanks for your submission into "Invalid Item"
Typo @ "abysal"
Welcome to the site, Yellow.
Miss TEFFY (moi) joined also in October but prehistorically in (2004)
The best thing I recall of that time was site emphasis on Autumn Stories and the ever popular Halloween tale.
THE SUGGESTION
Fall is great time to explore and find many places to create and enter stories.
Meanwhile, readers might always wonder why a piper?
THE SUGGESTION -- Perhaps, a bit of background for Wyr's madness, if any, is in order.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1518804 by Not Available.
From your intro question: RE: Ability to distinguish each speaker in this dialogue only tale.
Yes, Jerry and Scott.
Whom, BTW, seem to put on their personalities and character traits, as if cloaked in costumes, with every paragraph. Which is an excellent achievement for a story of this length.
Then -- enter Annie, the nemesis of one of the boys.
IN SUM --
As dress up night treats the boys to a jaunt about town -- Annie holds a surprise for them.
THE CRITIQUE ---
Now, about that ballroom dancing: Let's just take the wild guess that maybe this is not offered to second or third graders.
Next, being out-of the loop, must honestly admit (I) am not used to conversing with this age.
However, do suggest raising the standard for the dialogue per se to older -- say 10/11/12. {?}
Meanwhile, thank you for your submission and good luck.
Cordially, Miss TEFFY
PS -- I tried the dialogue only story a few times, here onsite in my blogs mainly. These really are fun! Also, there was a contest accepting Dialogue only, but the word length might have been shorter.
As you have a knack for this form, might I offer ---
THE SUGGESTION
Write more of these. Your dialogue story shows behind-the scenes plotting and pruning.
Reviewing at writing.com suggestion: DAD. Oddly enough from notations shall begin with minor editing corrections.
@ light shut my door == lightly
to took == it took
i can == I can
2 seats == two seats
30 something == thirty (Always spell out numbers, hon.)
ditto -- thirty feet instead of 30 feet
doctor's office
Nix, nyet on "10 minutes" ... use ten minutes
The story unfolds as an eighteen year old, son musters courage to spin a tale of a sad time for his father.
In the telling one sees many valid uses of how we speak and how we add zest to the writing per se. The mini short also includes a fine tribute for an emergency hospital visit via quite apt details. One feels as if present. Excellent job, there. Setting achieved.
Like -- car peeling out, the cluttered reply and the Hoover Dam worth of tears.
Rev emailed cordially from TEFF teffom@writing.com
PS -- Fine June ahead for you, dear author.
Mercy and then all those lights surrounding "the bare tree." Later the hospitalization of "The Dean." We've a Pandori to decipher, then well also repeatedly add up other players as your story builds from start to finish.
Well that nasty doctor, oh my oh my. Might I wistfully conclude with ... oh those ...
WOW! Rowlands this story, your contest creation is as a traditional length short story on its way TTT. To the top!
Readers may expect a turn of events which start off with the step-by-step to expand to a finished product that indicates cream-of-the-crop imagination.
} PLOT -- Brief Summary
Two children, Sam and Charlie embark on a quest to the North Pole to Pole to give Santa a gift.
Then ... A bully named Ben challenges the two friends.
Waiting in the wings, dreams which trounce the tides.
Bravo!
Thanks for entering, "Invalid Item"
PS -- Only a few weeks until the winner's list appears.
Inside this contest entry for "Invalid Item" arrives scenes of various snowfalls as a young girl undergoes recovery from an auto accident. She's left with extreme impaired vision.
Teasing for "coke bottle" lenses follows her into formative years. These are spent amidst holiday celebrations with a master wood carver.
An annual Christmas tree lighting may surprise readers.
Story conclusion adds zest to knowledge of people and touches the
Vivid lines encountered today, remind me of this Jan 23 date, as the Eastern seaboard battens down the hatches. We all stay put, Fyn, beneath intrepid invasion like from your story ... as ...
"one of those magical snows with the big, fat, fluffy flakes. It had been snowing on and off all day ...
"When nine high school students are stranded inside a "dadblasted" motor-on-the-fritz bus .. youthful thoughts turn to missing trick-or-treat night. When a werewolf climbs onto the bus with an eerie agenda toward animal abuse revenge ... well, Kids (readers) ... best batten down the hatches before distraught parents remain hopeless by story end. BRAVO! Good luck in the contest." April Sunday
Enclosed 2000GP for entering in 2015.
This is also the kind of tale which can be taken a lot further inside the realm of fine literature. Imaging now possible detail quirks for the costumed lad, the deer with a watch, etc, etc.
PS -- One of the best things about this story is the reprehensible turnaround for an ancient witch, let's just say -- revengeful for nigh seventy-five years.
Your 2012 poem, THE COURTEOUS SLEEPWALKER, is a witty one to read and enjoy.
Listed as a contest entry, must say you make full capacity use of those prompt word inclusions.
As a knitter, who takes her craft seriously, the lines RE: the sleep depraved, Jay "kicking a ball of yarn" kinda made me shudder. During, trying times, I hope it never comes to that. Simply including how your poem touched Miss TEFF.
And since, rev replies are asking where I found this older portfolio item. ANS: rr --- random reviews sent it to me.
My goodness, Choconut, what a lovely woodsy picture this is, upon your item cover.
This poem is tenderized with the teeniest hint of the Spring bulb, the Bluebell. Nice job. Thanks for posting open and also thanks for extra gp auto-award. How kind you are.
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