~WhoMe???~'s (whome) Reviews

~WhoMe???~

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676

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#3448252

Review of Homeless

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (3.5)

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A signature for Jenny, with love from Riot.

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Intro

"Homeless"

nikk14u

This is written as an acrostic prose. It took me quite a while to pick this up. I have been clicking this poem for a few days now meaning to review it, and finally here I am. I don't know why the original viewing didn't show itself to me as a poem. I finally see the light though.

Reading this makes me feel as if a black cloud is hanging over an angry person.
I found this to be a very depressing and sorrowful outlook. Being an optimist 90% of the time, I see this as a very durrogative view on a current situation. Keep in mind, I am looking from the outside in, and do not live in the shoes of the voice of this prose. However, I do see and interact with many in this same situation almost all week long. The people are from all walks of life, with all having unique situations. It is how you choose to live in the situation that makes the person.

Do you wallow and complain, gripe and curse? Or do you live and learn and make the best of a bad situation. Do not get me wrong, I am merely asking how the voice of the prose chooses, not accusing.

I tried to break the review down letter by letter, but it felt more as if I was trashing the prose itself, questioning every aspect of the poem, when really, that shouldn't be a review.

Because of the differences in views and situations, I can not relate to this poem in any aspect. I will leave but a few questions, comments and views, keeping in mind this can be a writing of fact or fiction...

H~ I think this would be stronger if left to the first sentence only. By adding the rest, it seems like one is only guessing as to the reasons others do not attempt to help, and creating the poor me attitude. Stick to the facts to boost the strength of the poem.

O~ A strong one sentence comment that puts full impact on the loneliness that the homeless often feel. The despair can be daunting and the mere thought of the reality of their situation is enough to break many a spirit.

M and E ~ both strong statements.

L~ I am not sure the memories are left behind, for it is the memories that would be haunting and the reminder that circumstances weren't always this dire.

E~With E, this is another place that my outlook on life differs. I wouldn't see the evil per say, I would see that Everyone appears to be against you. From the police officer that wakes you and makes you move from your coveted spot of slumber because you simply "can't sleep here", to the Food Bank volunteer who won't let you return for a whole week.

S~Again here, I would stop with the first sentence. Sometimes less is more. By adding the additional opinion it weakens the structure.

S~ How can you return to the streets if you are already homeless and on the streets? Perhaps the voice has found temporary shelter?

Again, do not get me wrong, I am not trashing the poem. Poetry is to interpretation. This is written as a poetic prose acrostic. Please take what you can from this review and discard everything else. I would gladly return for a re-review and rating upon further editing.

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lonewolfmcq

677

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#3447676

Review of Need Help With An Upgrade C-Note Shop

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Words alone can not express the deep felt gratitude and appreciation for all you have done to help support and run this group. This wonderful cnote shop brings tears to my eyes, and the throat has swollen with pride. I am proud to call you friend.

Your hard work and dedication surpasses anything I could ever ask for. The images are perfect.

Thank you.

678

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#3447674

Review of Fear of the Hunt Ed

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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Intro

"Fear of the Hunt Ed "

Ԝ☆Ԝ Happy 4th of July USA!

This was a hard poem for me to review. I see the humor, and I see the horror both. If I had that creature chasing me, I would probably run too.

At first read, I saw a rhyming pattern. At second, third and fourth reads, the pattern kept changing for me, then I finally saw why... the poem was running too *grin* You have to read the poem as if you are the runner.

A free-style poem with rhythm and full of humor and fun, I had a good time trying this one out for size. I hope you had fun with this challenge.

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lonewolfmcq

679

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#3446640

Review of Christmas at Scuzzy O'Malley's

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

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Intro

"Christmas at Scuzzy O'Malley's "

George R. Lasher

Told with a great accent and voice all the way through, this Irish barkeep spins a tale that will have you riveted to the screen unable to multi-task for you become a character in the story, unable to part until the last act.

~towards & backwards~ represents directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being a word of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, afterward, inward, downward, outward, beside, to name a few. (towards is used frequently, backwards used but once)

~ They said they bought a bar on the upper-eastside of Chicago and needed someone to run it.
They needed someone to run the bar, not run...

missing word in text.

~ her to do another forty-five minutes worth of work
the rest of the word got cut off

Overall this was a well written piece. I enjoyed reading it. I originally began reviewing it for the Ink Blotters group, but noticed after starting that it had already been reviewed. Therefore this is a bonus review, and I will complete the package for the Inkblotters soon.

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lonewolfmcq

680

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#3446422

Review of Brick

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Intro

"Brick"

Tarz

This was a very creative piece that I had fun reading. I can see the voice of the poem contemplating the consequences all the while struggling with the heat of the moment.

The only problem I see with this is that there is one sentence that is quite lengthy. Now, that may just be the style you choose to use, but I think the point will be better illustrated for this piece if you shorten the sentences. Break them up as if you were breaking the bricks, point by point.

Overall I think this is a great piece, with the exception of the one sentence. I was really impressed with this piece and look forward to other items you may wish to share.

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#3446395

Review of God's Flower

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Intro

"WhoMe??? Heart Clouds Signature"

lena D

A short and sweet poem of inspiration and heart felt emotion that delivers a sweet message.

~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation.

Overall this is a great poem. I liked the message it delivered, but thought that some punctuation would improve this piece.

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#3446382

Review of The Woods

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Intro

"The Woods"

fuzzystuff

This is a wonderful poem of inner reflection. It asks each reader to delve into themselves to take a good look at who they are and what they have become. Would they like what they see, or will this adventure of self-reflection result in change?

I have taken some liberties with your poem, below, and changed the formatting, corrected the spelling on one word, and added some additional punctuation. I did that for several reasons. I want you to see your poem in another light. As well as give you some things to reflect upon.

Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

Deep in
the dark,
dark woods,
what will you find
when you look?

Will you see a dark,
lonely place?
A place where
the only life
is evil.
A place
you could never visit
and would die
if you did.

Or
would you see
an enchanted place?
Full of chirping birds
and musically
crunching leaves.
And below you
is a carpet
of wildflowers.

Deep in the dark,
dark stranger
What will you find when you look?

Overall this is a well written poem, I just saw a different vision for it. However, I am not the author, and it is ultimately up to you how you want the poem to be. I can merely offer views and opinions as I feel. I hope you take what you wish and discard the rest, knowing that no harm is intended for the original piece.

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#3446348

Review of The Little Girl

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Intro

"The Little Girl"

Nikki14u

First of all, let me welcome you to this great community. Though you have been here a few months now, I myself have not had the opportunity to cross paths with you before.

I would suggest altering the rating of this item due to content, to 13+. If you have questions about what to rate an item, please refer to "Content Rating System (CRS)"

. This tool page of information will help you greatly when you have rating issues.

A tale of sadness and loss, this poem takes the reader on a journey through trial and tribulation as one young person experiences a tragic loss.

~Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. With the consistent rhyming pattern used in the couplet, though the up and down of the emotion of the poem, I felt that perhaps this should be centered so as to better illustrate the unrest. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation. Though there is punctuation amidst the lines, there isn't punctuation to separate the verses from each other, or the lines between subject.

With the exception of the rhyming couplet saw vs. door, each couplet rhymes with great easy and is smooth flowing down the page. The poem is well written with a sad tale to share.

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#3445942

Review of Poem - Independence

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (3.0)

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Intro

"Poem - Independence"

creative life

First of all, let me welcome you to this great community. Though you have been here a few months now, I myself have not had the opportunity to cross paths with you before.

I saw that you were trying to get this item posted to the review page so I thought I would give it a gander right quick before running off to sleep.

I personally found the first two words repeating line after line not only very distracting but detrimental to your poem. To me, if left as is with the repeating words, the title of the poem should be Is It? I feel that if you were to eliminate them for the most part, inserting punctuation as needed, that doing so would be an improvement for the poem.

Also, there was too much spacing between not only the lines of each verse, but the verses themselves which is another distraction.

Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. With the consistent rhyming pattern used in the couplets, yet the many questions left unanswered, I felt that centering this poem would give it more strength and edge. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

What is independence?
Is it something that money can bring;
winning a war, and or the hymn that we sing?
Is it a country we can call our own?
Or something deeper,a feeling within the soul?

Is it turning your back to your friends?
Or being in control and always so tense;
saying no to rules and regulations,
and walking away from un-nice situations?

Above is an example of how I see your poem. With a few added wording changes, centering the poem, and eliminating many of the repetitive phrase, I see this as a much stronger piece. All that being said, that does not mean I do not like the poem. I think it is an average poem with potential to be great. Keep in mind, my suggestions are just that, merely suggestions. I am no expert and my advice should not be used as such. I am but a novice who loves to read.

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#3445905

Review of HOW MOSES GOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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Intro

"HOW MOSES GOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS"

DRSmith

My friend,
I come bearing review,
with laughter and warmth
here to share with you.
So true to your word,
you lightened my thoughts,
I giggled and chuckled,
no longer tied in stress knots.

The first thing after reading this, I went back to check the rating. Though I didn't notice anything that stood out, I wanted to be sure that it covered the 13+ and it does. Great job!

Secondly I went back and read it again, getting the same reaction. I simply love this. I have nothing else to say. It is a fun piece that fit true and sound.

The rhyming couplets all smoothly glided down the page with no bumps or bruising from forcing rhymes for rhyme sake alone. Not only does it all rhyme, but it all fits quite well with the subject and line of choice.

Overall, ten stars...huh hum... a five star read for humor and whit. A great poem!

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#3445411

Review of Hell

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Intro

"Hell"

Emoboy

Welcome to the site. I see you have jumped in and are already getting your feet wet. With three items currently in your port on your first day, you are well on your way to learning the INS and OUTS of the site.

Might I suggest that whenever you put something in your port, that you put a rating attachment to it. This helps with those wishing to read your items so that nobody stumbles upon anything by accident and are offended, as well as protecting the younger generation that frequent the site as well.

If you have questions about what to rate an item, please refer to "Content Rating System (CRS)"

. This tool page of information will help you greatly when you have rating issues.

The sentence, With nothing to reach for seems incomplete as if it should be adjoined to the previous sentence.

Capitalize the Awith the sentence that starts with the word as.

A metaphor of life and the symbolism of death and rebirth through the fiery pits of hell, this is a short thesis or conception of what true hell really is. This is a thought provoking piece that sparks debate and discussion. A great piece other than the few issues notated above.

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#3444686

Review of Story 622

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Intro

"Story 622 "

Virgil Lassiter

A rescue is in the process and Alex has suffered much pain. Having fallen down a crevice and broken a leg among other things, his friends suffer from not knowing how he is and feel uncertain about how to help him. With a rescue team on the way, they stand guard above and offer him down words of encouragement.

~staired~ incorrectly used, the proper use would be stared

~atleast~ should actually be two words as in at least

Overall this is a good opening chapter. We have a minor conflict as well as a few characters. From there though there isn't much information. Will this be a religious piece due to Denise's thoughts and prayers, or will this turn out to be a novel of a different jacket? The only way to find out is to continue on with the book.

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#3444564

Review of Life of Andrew Waitson

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

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Intro

"Life of Andrew Waitson"

Abigail Carroll

The first sentence is one that brings great strength and leads the reader to continue on with the story. After that, it gets kind of jumbled. Too much information jumps around in the opening paragraph.

There are a few type errors in this short piece that some proof reading and spell check will correct.

~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality. I have found that the younger the audience, the more the use of conjunctions starting sentences.

Always capitalize I. You are important and I should never go un-capitalized, unless in poetry to help illustrated low self worth or importance.

Overall I felt this was a work in progress. The first chapter holds too much information which is just briefly shared. Contain one subject per paragraph. For instance the first paragraph give the who of the story, then move on to the where, what , when and how of the story, each getting their own paragraph, if keeping it a short story. If moving this into novel form, break it up into chapters using the same format.

The wrong use of there, their and they're is in paragraph number two.

I will gladly return to review this upon completion.

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#3444543

Review of My Death Story

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Intro

"My Death Story"

chloe

A short piece on the death of an individual. Lamenting about how she died and what she found upon reaching what she thinks might be heaven, this character is disappointed in what she finds. This has a look to what may become a larger piece. Does Miss Eva Bennett in fact find herself in heaven, or is she caught somewhere in between worlds and life? This short piece brings to mind the question, where in fact is Eva?

It is funny how preconceived ideas and thoughts can warp the mind. Here we have a character that is let down and disappointed due to a preconceived notion on what Heaven should look like.

Overall the grammar, spelling and punctuation were all in order. I didn't notice anything of importance to point out. What reading this did for me was to spark questions about a larger piece.

Is Eva in Heaven, or is she somewhere else? Will she be given another chance at life, and if so, what will she do if so?

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#3444471

Review of The Reluctant Patient

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

** Image ID #1735308 Unavailable **
I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after.

Congratulations on your recent nomination to "Invalid Item" by !
Along with your nomination, you are also receiving the Emily Bronte Fan Package!
This package includes many things, one of which is a total of 9 reviews for "Invalid Item"

!

A well told story with subtle clues given as to what the ailment might be. This was an adventure for the wife and a torture for the husband. With reluctance he agrees to participate in this trip to the doctor's office.

I felt this writing may have been an experiment in misleading the reader. Point them in one direction, drop hints, that if attention is given, will reveal the true nature of what is going on.

Overall this is well written. The misdirection was well done and was very convincing. The spelling, grammar and punctuation all appear to be in order.
This was another delightful read.

A Review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " group member!

Write on!~WhoMe???~

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#3444231

Review of Transformation

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

** Image ID #1735308 Unavailable **
I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after.

Congratulations on your recent nomination to "Invalid Item" by anonymous!
Along with your nomination, you are also receiving the Emily Bronte Fan Package!
This package includes many things, one of which is a total of 9 reviews for "Invalid Item"

!

A Review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " group member!

Another review coming your way, however Miss O will sit this one out. I found this to be a well written story, though it feels incomplete, and I am positive that has to do with this being a flash fiction piece.

I found myself wondering just what the price was that Jeff was to pay. Then I read this again, and again. It seems to me there is more than one price to pay. Jeff gets to live his life, but as someone else. He is now Rob. At one point in time, this may become a problem for him. Though that is yet to see. Then also, there is a price to be paid sometime down the line to the one who granted the wish.

The spelling, grammar, and punctuation all appear to be in order. I saw nothing that needed any editing, for you do a wonderful job of proofreading and editing beforehand.

Overall this was well written. The short story is of a wish being granted, which holds an ominous presence of payment yet to be paid. This is a strong piece which can be used to start off a novel, short story, or left on its own merit as a flash fiction. Either way it is used, as is, it is a good piece.

Write on!~WhoMe???~

692

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#3443971

Review of Buster the Benevolent Boxer

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after.

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I enjoyed reading this wonderful tale, told through the perspective of Buster, the family beloved pet dog. This insight into the events of the evening show how the intelligent dog is really the one in control in the house, as far as pets go.

This makes for a great children's story. I read it to my granddaughter as we were sitting here getting ready for bed. She liked the pretty dog and cat picture, though she thinks the cat is now a naughty cat.

I didn't notice any grammar, spelling, or punctuation errors to comment upon. This story had been edited and proofread to perfection as far as I can see. It appears to be ready for publishing if that is the destination intended.

Miss Olivia thinks that the cat should have gotten wet from the fire-hose that the firemen use to put out the fire. She says that is what the cat deserves for being so bad and ruining the tree. I however think this would take the focus of the story off of buster and put the main focus on the cat, not doing justice to what already is written.

It would be interesting to see a compilation book of stories based on Buster and the cat. I think that would make great reading for little children. Live pictures of the two characters together could add to the story. I asked Miss O what she thought about this and she says that is a "grand idea." Quite bright for a 3 year old

Please inform us if you do make some more stories involving these two characters. Miss O has been here twice now since I found this story and I have had to read it to her three times now.

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#3442908

Review of I've Had Enough

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after.

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Some times it takes a change of tactics to really hit home a lesson to be learned. This flash fiction prompt has resulted in a very down to earth inventive story.

I have read the story several times now. Once for entertainment, a second for proof-reading for errors, a third for enjoyment, and a fourth to see if there might be something more I was missing. Each time I read this through I chuckled as the end came to view.

Conventional punishments do not always work. Children do need to learn the lesson, that every action results in a consequence, whether good or bad. Upon reaching a crossroads with the boys, he decides that a different tactic is in order.

In the first vocalized portion of this, Dad's gone, I believe would be better suited as Dad has gone.

There was one small portion of this that is unbelievable, and that is how do you keep the whole high school student body quiet enough that the boys do not hear them whispering, laughing, and jeering from the other side of the fence? Perhaps the boys do hear the commotion and are eager to get this distraction of their day done and over with so that they can go investigate.

This was a very clever use of the picture prompt. The creativity and perspective go to show what a caring person the author truly is. Overall, I did not notice any grammar, spelling or punctuation errors. Everything appeared to be in proper order.

I wonder if the picture seen at the top of the story is the one that ended up in that year's yearbook for the boys? Quite an event was held in order to teach the boys a lesson.

Write on!~WhoMe???~

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#3442360

Review of My Name Is Mud

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after.

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A Review from a"Simply Positive Review Forum " group member!

To begin with, the opening sentence was one that caught my attention as I strolled through your port opening various folders and such. It sets the scene with perfection for the tale that quickly follows.

The story illustrated several things to me. One, times back then weren't so different than they are now, in some aspects anyway. Here you have what appears to be a person full of life and experience attempting to teach the youth about geography. She is energetic and witty, yet she fails to see that her choice of words and wits are beyond the level her students are comprehending at. Thus, she loses her students attention as they fail to follow her meandering mind.

I found this tale to be humorous and fun. I feel that if perhaps the students had been a bit older, the idioms and cliches would have actually entertained the students a bit more. A student who is entertained is not always confused, and more likely to ask for help.

Secondly the teaching methods of the grandfather were both age appropriate, and done so in a manner of which the child could follow along and make her own conclusion. This is important with learning. Being able to comprehend AND apply what is learned helps to retain the information.

Overall I felt this is a well written piece. This short story appears to be free of spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors. This was a joy to read and I have done so several times over now.

POINT TO PONDER:
~towards~ represents directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being a word of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, afterward, inward, downward, backward, outward, beside, to name a few.

Write on!~WhoMe???~

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#3442346

Review of Silver Light

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (3.5)

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"Silver Light"

Jesse Skye

A nightly vision is shared with great color and delivers us in the midst of a mystery, an adventure and a journey. This appears to be the beginning of something larger. This is but a piece of the story.

In the opening paragraph, no comma is needed after the word sky.

~towards~ represents directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being a word of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, afterward, inward, downward, backward, outward, beside, to name a few.

~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality. I have found that the younger the audience, the more the use of conjunctions starting sentences.

She couldn't materialize into the sky, she materialized in the sky ( as in, she appeared in the sky)

In the opening paragraph I felt the word arrive and its derivative were used to close together.

Though this is just a snippet of a large novel, this appears to be an opening piece for a journey. If this is indeed the beginning, this piece is rushed and too much information is left to assumption. Why was the voice of the story seeking out this divine goddess? Did she know this was who or what she would find directly under the sun, and if so, what was the purpose of this journey. If this is a repetitive dream, does it ever vary or does it stay true to form, never altering the course? These are just a few of the questions this piece posed for me.

Dreams are often sketchy and vague, as well as rushed and jumbled together. That being so, should there be a reminder throughout the dream sequence to again illustrate that this is a dream? Just something to consider.

I am giving this a

rating for now. Upon further editing, I may return for another read and rating. Keep me informed and let me know if there is ever anything I can do to help. Remember this review is just my opinion, and I am in no means an expert in Literature. These are my views and that doesn't make them anything except my own, not right or wrong. Take from these views what you wish and discard the rest at will. Keep up the writing!

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#3442010

Review of You Did What ??

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

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I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after.

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In writing a story, whether it be a long novel, a short story or a chapter, the opening sentence is often a key factor in whether or not a reader will delve into the storyline full throttle. A strong opening line for a short story is critical in capturing the attention of the reader. I found that to be very evident in this piece. Upon reading the first few lines my curiosity was piqued and I had to follow up to see this through to the conclusion.

Larry's integrity shines through with his admittance of his mistake. Coming forth beforehand and revealing his mistake shows his true nature as a person. He realizes that his mistake could cost him his job and yet he still presents himself to the supervisor for reprimand. This honesty is not something that is a given in human nature. Job ethic and integrity are not always easy to find in employees. I find myself wondering about how this would play out if it were a lengthened story. Would Larry get his job back? His job performance in the past surely must speak for itself. Or, would this be the catalyst to Larry following his dreams and turning down another fork in the road. This point made me think about the story long after I had read it.

Steve's temperament and volume are well illustrated in the story through the punctuation and capitalization. You can feel the heat and sting from his voice as it permeates the room. Using two question marks with the lead in sentence really helped to show the shock in the voice of Steve.

Though this is written as a short story, it has merit and strength to be the catalyst of a longer novel. This short piece gives character background, shows a conflict which results in a change of venue for the main character and also sets this up to end as a short story, or continue on as a longer novel. To continue as a novel, we now know why Larry has left his job and is moving on to new ventures.

Overall I felt this was a well written piece. The story is well told and free of grammar, spelling and punctuation errors. I felt the character development was done with great skill. Larry's physical attributes with his limping out at the end helped to show how age played a factor in his work performance. This was a good story and it won a contest for a Writer's Cramp in 2009. Great Job!

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Write on!~WhoMe???~

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#3441334

Review of For An Angel

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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"For An Angel"

SHERRI GIBSON

This is a wonderful, and yet sad, rhyming poem of couplets which tell of the departure of a true friend who will be missed. The sentiment and love is poured into each line as this loving tribute cascades down the page.

Though taken away, this tribute will stand witness to the friendships he made and the loved ones he left behind.

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#3441288

Review of MY BEST FRIENDS: PEN AND PAPER

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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"MY BEST FRIENDS: PEN AND PAPER"

Bikerider

A very well told story of a friendship that blossoms and blooms with each use. I found this to be a wonderful tale that had me laughing at the same time I was agreeing with each and every word. I liked the way the friendship was explained. It brought to life and expressed the relevance that pen and paper share.

~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality. I have found that the younger the audience, the more the use of conjunctions starting sentences.

Overall, words alone do not express the feelings I have for this particular piece. I really enjoyed reading this and am glad I stumbled across this writing.

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#3439509

Review of Nocturne Remorse

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Rated: 13+

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"Nocturne Remorse"

Alexia Wynd

With rhythm and rhyme this poetic piece travels down the page with a sing song voice. The title is strong and is alluring.

~ the irish word lough I don't know the correct punctuation, however in verse #2 it rhymes with now then turns around in verse #6 it is set up to rhyme with sorrow, one can be correct, but the second will be a stretch for the two, now and sorrow, are not a rhyming couple.

A nice story told in poetic verse. Other than a few rhyming stretches, the poem was perfect.

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#3439483

Review of Twas the Night Before Christmas

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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"Twas the Night Before Christmas"

Alexia Wynd

Often times it goes unsaid what happens before the story as we know it. We know well the story of the night before, however this takes a deeper look at the moments before that. A creative tale that held some interesting bits to reflect on. I found this to be interesting in the way that it gives a different perspective into the life of an icon.

~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality. I have found that the younger the audience, the more the use of conjunctions starting sentences.

I think the part I liked best about this piece is that the characteristics of Santa are maintained within a few choice phrases...Oh givings' grace, or For givings sake.

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