~WhoMe???~'s (whome) Reviews

~WhoMe???~

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#3451199

Review of November 5th 2012 - Post Speech dialogue

Review by ~WhoMe???~

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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#3451194

Review of The Chosen One

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Rated: E

| (3.0)

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I like the subject of this short flash fiction piece, however the delivery could use quite a bit of work yet. The opening two sentences should be what grabs the attention of the reader and lures them in. With this story, the first paragraph consisted of two sentences. The first contained punctuation that didn't fit, the hyphen after the word freezing. The second sentence was one large run on sentence with grammar and punctuation errors. Here is my suggestions for the second sentence:

He'd been so excited when his mother had told him that he and his 11 brothers and sisters were going on a trip, that he'd not caught on to the fact that they were being abandoned until she'd walked off, to get some grain she said.

He had been so excited when his mother told him that he and his 11 siblings were going on a trip that he hadn't caught on to the fact that they were being abandoned. That is, until she walked off, supposedly to get some grain.

~towards~ represents directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being a word of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, afterward, inward, downward, backward, outward, beside, to name a few.

~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality. I have found that the younger the audience, the more the use of conjunctions starting sentences.

Overall I feel this short fictional piece still needs a bit of work. Upon completion I would gladly return to re-rate and re-review. I did enjoy the storyline.

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#3451189

Review of Stargazer

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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A wonderful poem showcasing the Shakespearean Sonnet format. Though I am not familiar with the technicalities with the form itself, I was able to pick out the alternate rhymes, which were right on mark, and the final couplet to conclude the poem. I could find no flaws with this piece, so all I have to offer is some information on placement.

Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

Overall a wonderful poem. The punctuation, grammar and spelling all seem to be in order. The subject was one that was intriguing and had me reading the poem several times over for enjoyment purposes. Thank you

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#3450202

Review of The Book - Chapter 3

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

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*Sun*
Though the story continues, I found many areas of distraction that caused me to stop and ponder. This resulted in a not so fluid read of the chapter. I am now intrigued about Fletcher's role. He seems to have a few hidden agendas.

Lizzy seems to be playing the field a bit. I can not tell just which person she is truly loyal to other than herself. I feel she throws herself into her role as Blackstone's servant. She is a passionate flame that has hidden agendas of her own.

Blackstone seems to be surrounding himself with servants who all have something against him and wish him harm in one way or another. This is proving to be a great additional sideline story.

*Moon*
~we even ate bark from the forests capitalize the beginning word. It slipped by undetected *Wink*

~After a few minutes Norman pulled himself together again. He wiped is nose on his sleeve again, and said, "We tried to sell this place. We knew it wouldn't be easy because so many homes are empty now, but our place is bigger and sturdier than most of the huts. We figured if we could sell it, we could pay our debt and get Rebecca back. We were in the middle of negotiatin' the sale, when the buyer backed out. That's when we came to you for help, Father."

the word again is used so close together that it actually made me stop reading and go back. That was a distraction. I would recommend rewording this part a bit.

Also, the order is confusing here. They tried to sell the house, because they had already bartered their daughter, then went to the priest after the fact for help. I don't find this believable. I would think any mother and father would first try every means possible to save their child from indentured servitude. Especially after several girls before her had been killed, the rumors would have reached the family beforehand.

For instance, try selling the house first... but the buyer backs out. I am not sure the reference of coming to the church for help.

~knowing children, Barnard would have already asked for his sister's room upon her leaving the first night, or perhaps before she had already left. This too seems out of sequence. This possibly even would have been something Barnard teased his sister about, before her departure. Now though, he would look up at the loft as a regret for teasing her about it, wishing she had never left.

~ I also find it odd that a priest would agree or help to conspire physical harm to another. Why would he suggest to the family that Barnard may slip in disguised as a monk. Wouldn't he more likely give a speech that something is coming, Blackstone has reaped his reward and it is soon to be payed, but not at the hands or the cost of this family who has already suffered so much?

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#3449701

Review of The Book - Chapter 3

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

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Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.

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REVIEWED BY A SIMPLY POSITIVE REVIEWER

Though the story continues, I found many areas of distraction that caused me to stop and ponder. This resulted in a not so fluid read of the chapter. I am now intrigued about Fletcher's role. He seems to have a few hidden agendas.

Lizzy seems to be playing the field a bit. I can not tell just which person she is truly loyal to other than herself. I feel she throws herself into her role as Blackstone's servant. She is a passionate flame that has hidden agendas of her own.

Blackstone seems to be surrounding himself with servants who all have something against him and wish him harm in one way or another. This is proving to be a great additional sideline story.

~we even ate bark from the forests capitalize the beginning word. It slipped by undetected

~After a few minutes Norman pulled himself together again. He wiped is nose on his sleeve again, and said, "We tried to sell this place. We knew it wouldn't be easy because so many homes are empty now, but our place is bigger and sturdier than most of the huts. We figured if we could sell it, we could pay our debt and get Rebecca back. We were in the middle of negotiatin' the sale, when the buyer backed out. That's when we came to you for help, Father."

the word again is used so close together that it actually made me stop reading and go back. That was a distraction. I would recommend rewording this part a bit.

Also, the order is confusing here. They tried to sell the house, because they had already bartered their daughter, then went to the priest after the fact for help. I don't find this believable. I would think any mother and father would first try every means possible to save their child from indentured servitude. Especially after several girls before her had been killed, the rumors would have reached the family beforehand.

For instance, try selling the house first... but the buyer backs out. I am not sure the reference of coming to the church for help.

~knowing children, Barnard would have already asked for his sister's room upon her leaving the first night, or perhaps before she had already left. This too seems out of sequence. This possibly even would have been something Barnard teased his sister about, before her departure. Now though, he would look up at the loft as a regret for teasing her about it, wishing she had never left.

~ I also find it odd that a priest would agree or help to conspire physical harm to another. Why would he suggest to the family that Barnard may slip in disguised as a monk. Wouldn't he more likely give a speech that something is coming, Blackstone has reaped his reward and it is soon to be payed, but not at the hands or the cost of this family who has already suffered so much?

Write on!
~WhoMe???~

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#3449660

Review of The Book - Chapter 2

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

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The opening paragraph once again grabbed at me. There is no way I am putting this chapter down until I read it through. This is the effect any good story or book should have. The reader should be so wrapped up into the story, that it becomes an alternate reality for them. When reading it, they are a part of the story, even if they only are witnessing it from afar. That is how this story is going along for me.

The waking thoughts suddenly interrupted by the looming reality of what transpired the night before was wonderfully written, so real and believable.

~towards~ represents directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being a word of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, afterward, inward, downward, backward, outward, beside, to name a few.

~ needs to a place to lay~ The grammar structure of this part seemed a bit off to me. I am not quite sure, perhaps do to lack of coffee yet today, exactly what will fix this problem.

~Having become so wrapped up in this tale, as I came to the ending, I had tears in my eyes and a throat swollen with a choked sob. This emotional cliff the reader is left on compels them forward with the story.

This is very well written. I found everything believable and endearing to the story. I must continue on.
Write on!
~WhoMe???~

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#3449620

Review of The Dream

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with Poetic Exploration

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Wow, talk about taking it to the next level! This poem not only compliments the image, but it stands alone as inspiration and an uplifting message to all.

I enjoyed reading this poem. I have often thought that placement places an integral part to the comprehension and vision a poem creates. Here is what I mean:

Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion.

That being said, here is my question for you. With the cinquain form, do you think centering is the only way to go, or do you think alignment also compliments the form?

Overall I enjoy this poem and five you ten stars!

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#3449428

Review of The Book - Chapter 1

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

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Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.

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REVIEWED BY A SIMPLY POSITIVE REVIEWER

"The Book - Chapter 1"

George R. Lasher

My friend, I have started this review now four different times. The first time I started it, then realized another group member had already reviewed this piece, so I deleted it. After discussion, it was brought to my attention that more than one opinion on an item is a good thing, so I started another review, which got lost due to my negligence to hit the save button. This happened one more time, before we got to this one final piece. So, here is your review, please don't judge me too harshly

:

With the opening four paragraphs the scene is set. There is a dark moon rising over the horizon as the horse moves closer to the church. This bleak setting seems to set the tone for what is about to happen. A very intense first chapter that hooks the reader from the beginning sentence.

After reading this several times over I found that I must continue on with the story. It held great importance that I find out what becomes of the characters.

~using the word perhapswhen speaking of the horses pawing, gives the impression that there might be more to what is seen or interpreted by the characters at this point in time, and a revelation will come later. This is a great play with words and a wonderful clue to leave the readers. Bravo!

~sultry voice~ as described in many of the online dictionaries as :Attractive in a way that suggests a passionate nature; Expressing or arousing desire... I am not sure this is the image you were trying to create with the sound of the second voice.

Overall a wonderful start to a novel. I have read this several times over and am quite pleased with this and ready to move on to the next additional chapters.

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Write on!
~WhoMe???~

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#3449415

Review of Final moments

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Intro

"Final moments"

Paul F Clayton

A beginning to the end, this poem of alternate rhyme and constant rhythm flows well down the page. It speaks of finding comfort and one's place in death. A great poem.

~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation.

Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. With the alternate rhyme and the confusion in death, I feel centering this would best compliment the poem. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

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#3449412

Review of The Washed Up Poet

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Intro

"The Washed Up Poet"

Aaron M. Peska

A rhythmical piece that talks of the aspects of being a poet. I found this to be an interesting view of the arts. This creative piece seems to have a defensive tone for me. Almost as if trying to defend what poetry is and what you are as a poet.

I would suggest taking the extra spacing out so as to not be so distracting. Too much air gives the reader time to wander. We want the focus on the poem, not the spacing.

Overall a good poem written with style and pizzaz!

Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. I felt that this had a sing song rap beat to it that would benefit from a centered format, though aligned to the left works too. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

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#3449409

Review of Graham

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Intro

"Graham"

ophelia

Welcome you to this great community. This is a fun place to be and many find it can become a home away from home.

I enjoyed this colorful piece. A trip down memory lane evokes emotions. Often times we get so choked up on emotion, that all thought stops at that one place and the memory lane journey can not go on.

~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality. I have found that the younger the audience, the more the use of conjunctions starting sentences.

The They trundled

Overall this is well written. Keep up the great work, and write on!

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#3449395

Review of Making It To The Ball

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Rated: E

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Intro

"Making It To The Ball"

Samantha Jane

A wonderful spin on an old fairytale of Cinderella, this rhyming poem created of couplets that sing down the page in rhythmical and rhyming ease.

Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation.

The only other thing I would like to mention is that the majority of the poem seemed to follow a syllabic pattern, and then there were lines that were far from the pattern. I could be way off base here, for I didn't map it out, just read it as I saw it. Overall a wonderful piece. True to the storyline, yet in your own words and rhyming all the way.

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#3449377

Review of True Nature

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Rated: E

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"True Nature"

Evan

This is a vague reference to man's nature, yet it implies that man has been here or existed before. Is this a reference to reincarnation? For that is the message that I am picking up. I also must ask why the first line has the first three words capitalized, is this significant?

~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation.

Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. I felt that this is one item that would benefit from centering. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

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#3449375

Review of "Prologue"

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Rated: E

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Intro

""Prologue""

Moarzjasac

I must admit that this grabbed my attention. I knew I was witnessing the birth of the universe and I was intrigued by the beauty of your words. The eloquence with which you describe how the opposites fight to contain the same space to me made perfect sense.

Scilosophy an interesting name choice. I think this unique view may play a significant role in this novel.

Overall this is well written. I found no errors in grammar, spelling or punctuation. The subject was one that drew my attention, as well as the opening sentences pulling me into the novel.

Bravo on the capitalization of Itas used in this prologue. Many may try to tell you that in the middle of a sentence, it should be lowercase, but with the usage as it is, you are correct.

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#3449371

Review of petrichor

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Intro

A JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO review. This review, the suggestions and views, are my personal opinions. My wish is for the review to be helpful and positive. Please take what you can or wish from the review, and disregard the rest.

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"petrichor "

Keaton

Three poems in one, a wonderful treat. Each one written as part of another. The Cleave Poem format is a rather new form and you have included a description that your poem compliments and resembles well.

I imagine this is one poem format that punctuation would be quite tricky to include. That being said, I didn't see a need for punctuation with this piece.

I like how the colors are used to separate the three poems. It makes it easier for the reader to see all three. Overall this is well written. The only question I have, is did this place in the contest?

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#3448503

Review of Strength Within

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"Strength Within"

Lainey

A wonderful rhyming poem that delivers a message of hope and instruction on breaking free from a destructive relationship.
Reading this poem gave me a sense of hope for others who may have been suffering as the voice once was.

~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation.

Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

This is one of those poems I feel would fit either way. Whether centered or aligned this works quite well.

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#3448252

Review of Homeless

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (3.5)

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"Homeless"

nikk14u

This is written as an acrostic prose. It took me quite a while to pick this up. I have been clicking this poem for a few days now meaning to review it, and finally here I am. I don't know why the original viewing didn't show itself to me as a poem. I finally see the light though.

Reading this makes me feel as if a black cloud is hanging over an angry person.
I found this to be a very depressing and sorrowful outlook. Being an optimist 90% of the time, I see this as a very durrogative view on a current situation. Keep in mind, I am looking from the outside in, and do not live in the shoes of the voice of this prose. However, I do see and interact with many in this same situation almost all week long. The people are from all walks of life, with all having unique situations. It is how you choose to live in the situation that makes the person.

Do you wallow and complain, gripe and curse? Or do you live and learn and make the best of a bad situation. Do not get me wrong, I am merely asking how the voice of the prose chooses, not accusing.

I tried to break the review down letter by letter, but it felt more as if I was trashing the prose itself, questioning every aspect of the poem, when really, that shouldn't be a review.

Because of the differences in views and situations, I can not relate to this poem in any aspect. I will leave but a few questions, comments and views, keeping in mind this can be a writing of fact or fiction...

H~ I think this would be stronger if left to the first sentence only. By adding the rest, it seems like one is only guessing as to the reasons others do not attempt to help, and creating the poor me attitude. Stick to the facts to boost the strength of the poem.

O~ A strong one sentence comment that puts full impact on the loneliness that the homeless often feel. The despair can be daunting and the mere thought of the reality of their situation is enough to break many a spirit.

M and E ~ both strong statements.

L~ I am not sure the memories are left behind, for it is the memories that would be haunting and the reminder that circumstances weren't always this dire.

E~With E, this is another place that my outlook on life differs. I wouldn't see the evil per say, I would see that Everyone appears to be against you. From the police officer that wakes you and makes you move from your coveted spot of slumber because you simply "can't sleep here", to the Food Bank volunteer who won't let you return for a whole week.

S~Again here, I would stop with the first sentence. Sometimes less is more. By adding the additional opinion it weakens the structure.

S~ How can you return to the streets if you are already homeless and on the streets? Perhaps the voice has found temporary shelter?

Again, do not get me wrong, I am not trashing the poem. Poetry is to interpretation. This is written as a poetic prose acrostic. Please take what you can from this review and discard everything else. I would gladly return for a re-review and rating upon further editing.

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#3447674

Review of Fear of the Hunt Ed

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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"Fear of the Hunt Ed "

ⱲєbⱲitϚћ is 18

This was a hard poem for me to review. I see the humor, and I see the horror both. If I had that creature chasing me, I would probably run too.

At first read, I saw a rhyming pattern. At second, third and fourth reads, the pattern kept changing for me, then I finally saw why... the poem was running too *grin* You have to read the poem as if you are the runner.

A free-style poem with rhythm and full of humor and fun, I had a good time trying this one out for size. I hope you had fun with this challenge.

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#3446640

Review of Christmas at Scuzzy O'Malley's

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Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

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"Christmas at Scuzzy O'Malley's "

George R. Lasher

Told with a great accent and voice all the way through, this Irish barkeep spins a tale that will have you riveted to the screen unable to multi-task for you become a character in the story, unable to part until the last act.

~towards & backwards~ represents directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being a word of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, afterward, inward, downward, outward, beside, to name a few. (towards is used frequently, backwards used but once)

~ They said they bought a bar on the upper-eastside of Chicago and needed someone to run it.
They needed someone to run the bar, not run...

missing word in text.

~ her to do another forty-five minutes worth of work
the rest of the word got cut off

Overall this was a well written piece. I enjoyed reading it. I originally began reviewing it for the Ink Blotters group, but noticed after starting that it had already been reviewed. Therefore this is a bonus review, and I will complete the package for the Inkblotters soon.

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#3446422

Review of Brick

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (4.5)

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"Brick"

Tarz

This was a very creative piece that I had fun reading. I can see the voice of the poem contemplating the consequences all the while struggling with the heat of the moment.

The only problem I see with this is that there is one sentence that is quite lengthy. Now, that may just be the style you choose to use, but I think the point will be better illustrated for this piece if you shorten the sentences. Break them up as if you were breaking the bricks, point by point.

Overall I think this is a great piece, with the exception of the one sentence. I was really impressed with this piece and look forward to other items you may wish to share.

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#3446395

Review of God's Flower

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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"Invalid Item"

lena D

A short and sweet poem of inspiration and heart felt emotion that delivers a sweet message.

~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation.

Overall this is a great poem. I liked the message it delivered, but thought that some punctuation would improve this piece.

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#3446382

Review of The Woods

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (4.5)

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"The Woods"

fuzzystuff

This is a wonderful poem of inner reflection. It asks each reader to delve into themselves to take a good look at who they are and what they have become. Would they like what they see, or will this adventure of self-reflection result in change?

I have taken some liberties with your poem, below, and changed the formatting, corrected the spelling on one word, and added some additional punctuation. I did that for several reasons. I want you to see your poem in another light. As well as give you some things to reflect upon.

Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

Deep in
the dark,
dark woods,
what will you find
when you look?

Will you see a dark,
lonely place?
A place where
the only life
is evil.
A place
you could never visit
and would die
if you did.

Or
would you see
an enchanted place?
Full of chirping birds
and musically
crunching leaves.
And below you
is a carpet
of wildflowers.

Deep in the dark,
dark stranger
What will you find when you look?

Overall this is a well written poem, I just saw a different vision for it. However, I am not the author, and it is ultimately up to you how you want the poem to be. I can merely offer views and opinions as I feel. I hope you take what you wish and discard the rest, knowing that no harm is intended for the original piece.

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#3446348

Review of The Little Girl

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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"The Little Girl"

Nikki14u

First of all, let me welcome you to this great community. Though you have been here a few months now, I myself have not had the opportunity to cross paths with you before.

I would suggest altering the rating of this item due to content, to 13+. If you have questions about what to rate an item, please refer to "Content Rating System (CRS)"

. This tool page of information will help you greatly when you have rating issues.

A tale of sadness and loss, this poem takes the reader on a journey through trial and tribulation as one young person experiences a tragic loss.

~Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. With the consistent rhyming pattern used in the couplet, though the up and down of the emotion of the poem, I felt that perhaps this should be centered so as to better illustrate the unrest. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation. Though there is punctuation amidst the lines, there isn't punctuation to separate the verses from each other, or the lines between subject.

With the exception of the rhyming couplet saw vs. door, each couplet rhymes with great easy and is smooth flowing down the page. The poem is well written with a sad tale to share.

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#3445942

Review of Poem - Independence

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (3.0)

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"Poem - Independence"

creative life

First of all, let me welcome you to this great community. Though you have been here a few months now, I myself have not had the opportunity to cross paths with you before.

I saw that you were trying to get this item posted to the review page so I thought I would give it a gander right quick before running off to sleep.

I personally found the first two words repeating line after line not only very distracting but detrimental to your poem. To me, if left as is with the repeating words, the title of the poem should be Is It? I feel that if you were to eliminate them for the most part, inserting punctuation as needed, that doing so would be an improvement for the poem.

Also, there was too much spacing between not only the lines of each verse, but the verses themselves which is another distraction.

Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. With the consistent rhyming pattern used in the couplets, yet the many questions left unanswered, I felt that centering this poem would give it more strength and edge. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

What is independence?
Is it something that money can bring;
winning a war, and or the hymn that we sing?
Is it a country we can call our own?
Or something deeper,a feeling within the soul?

Is it turning your back to your friends?
Or being in control and always so tense;
saying no to rules and regulations,
and walking away from un-nice situations?

Above is an example of how I see your poem. With a few added wording changes, centering the poem, and eliminating many of the repetitive phrase, I see this as a much stronger piece. All that being said, that does not mean I do not like the poem. I think it is an average poem with potential to be great. Keep in mind, my suggestions are just that, merely suggestions. I am no expert and my advice should not be used as such. I am but a novice who loves to read.

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#3445905

Review of HOW MOSES GOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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"HOW MOSES GOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS"

DRSmith

My friend,
I come bearing review,
with laughter and warmth
here to share with you.
So true to your word,
you lightened my thoughts,
I giggled and chuckled,
no longer tied in stress knots.

The first thing after reading this, I went back to check the rating. Though I didn't notice anything that stood out, I wanted to be sure that it covered the 13+ and it does. Great job!

Secondly I went back and read it again, getting the same reaction. I simply love this. I have nothing else to say. It is a fun piece that fit true and sound.

The rhyming couplets all smoothly glided down the page with no bumps or bruising from forcing rhymes for rhyme sake alone. Not only does it all rhyme, but it all fits quite well with the subject and line of choice.

Overall, ten stars...huh hum... a five star read for humor and whit. A great poem!

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