~WhoMe???~'s (whome) Reviews

~WhoMe???~

Review Requests: OFF

4,509 Public Reviews Given

4,699 Total Reviews Given

626

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#3466567

Review of Well Well Well

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

** Image ID #1749027 Unavailable **
** Image ID #1736564 Unavailable **

Be natural my children. For the writer that is natural has fulfilled all the rules of art.

Congratulations on your nomination into "Ink Blot Hall of Fame"
Along with your nomination, you are also receiving the Charles Dickens Fan Package!
This package includes many things, one of which is this review from the "Invalid Item"

!

Dearest Lish,

I must say I was shocked and surprised to hear all of this. When I say all, I mean ALL, for I read everything in the folder pertaining to this subject. I thought to review the folder, but see now that isn't a possibility, this must be reviewed individually.

Suggestions: as far as this static item is concerned, the only spelling, grammar, or punctuation error, was with the word hu, it should be HUH.

Though I know this wasn't written for its grammatical merits, it is more of a track record of what is going on as it happens.

After reading all of this, I personally do not see her/him as a stalker, but more of an identity thief. Though it may only be an internet identity, it is your identity, your artwork and your creativity that is being exploited.

I see nothing recent reported in the last six months and hope that the issue has resolved itself. The links coming back to the writing site have been removed and I am grateful for that.

Good luck with this issue. I hope it is behind you and you never have to go through anything like that again.

I know of no legal information I can direct you to concern copyright infringement, but there are many around the site that do. Keep your ears open and I am sure you are bound to come across a published author who can direct you in the right direction.

Write on!

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Congratulations once again!
~WhoMe???~

627

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14 days may be credited.

#3465318

Review of Gaia's Gifts

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A signature for Jenny, with love from Riot.

A great entry for "COLORING THE WORLD CONTEST TEMP. CLOSED "

, this poem made my mouth go dry and I had to swallow. This was beauty and imagery created in such a fashion I had to gulp. Faeries and sprites that took my breath away. Whether this was from the newly introduced poem format, or the words themselves, this poem was one that had me awestruck. Personally I feel it was a combination of both.

I was transported to another place where a small glade is revealed. As I look at the beautiful flora and fauna I see beauty all around. A closer look and I start to see smiles and blushes as I am able to pinpoint fairies and gnomes hiding about, yet clearly in plain sight.

I read this poem and was transported to a fairytale. One I could find in my own backyard if I so looked. This made me want to go clean up the winter debris in the back yard. I want to go hang the rest of the baskets around the gazebo and get them ready for planting. The rose beds need raked so the leaves aren't hiding the beautiful brown dirt that covers their base. Maybe, just maybe, If I do all of this I will find fairies and more in my back yard too..

628

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#3465305

Review of A Field Full Of Daisies

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Intro

"A Field Full Of Daisies"

jaya

A poem written for "COLORING THE WORLD CONTEST TEMP. CLOSED "

which makes great use of the prompt. After reading about the drab concrete, I too am looking for the daisies of spring. Bring in the vibrant colors as we watch the dismal dissolve with winter and the muck of materialism.

Wow, that was a mouthful. I tend to use punctuation as the direction from the author as where to breath. The commas kept me going without pause, almost taking the breath away. I am not sure if somewhere in verse two or three a semicolon should be used in place of the comma, but would consider it.

Perennially engagedsome people have trouble saying certain words...cinnamon is one of them. For me, perenniallyjust wouldn't roll off the tongue. This gave me great laughter and a huge smile.

Overall a superb entry. This was a great free-style poem. I didn't notice any grammar, spelling or punctuation errors.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

lonewolfmcq

629

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#3464749

Review of Below the surface...lie dead men's bones

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Intro

"Below the surface...lie dead men's bones"

DEANJENO

I read this as a song. To me this holds a beat and a tune of which none can escape. The catchy phrase as the refrain holds it all together as if the glue of the song.

Well written. I didn't notice any grammar, spelling or punctuation to comment upon. The lyric flowed well and each line and verse kept to the subject matter.

A very creative poetic piece. Well done.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

~WhoMe???~

630

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14 days may be credited.

#3464655

Review of My Heart's Empty Bottle

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Intro

"My Heart's Empty Bottle"

Tori Rose

A metaphoric poem, as self determined by the author, this was a difficult poem for me to follow. Perhaps it was the punctuation that was keeping me from seeing the true nature of the poem. I have read this several times over. Often times when I am having these difficulties, if I read the item five or so times then start the review, breaking it down verse by verse, the poem's voice reveals itself. That is what I will attempt here so as to better understand the poem.

With the added space between each line it is hard to distinguish if this is one verse or two.

The first three lines appear to be one subject, the searching for love.

From what I can gather, heaven is the metaphor for love. The sea and the shark must be all of those fish that aren't what they appear to be.

~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as clear.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation.

Overall an interesting poem. I did feel that the metaphor was too stretched. The shark didn't seem to fit with the poem unless representing vultures attempting to appear as angels.

I did find this hard to follow, however I can almost grasp where the poem is going.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

~WhoMe???~

631

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#3463875

Review of Ancient Enemies

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

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Intro

"Ancient Enemies"

Harry

A great acrostic poem with rhythm and rhyme depicting that ever present battle between cats and dogs. Showcasing this with the lion vs. the hyena as the acrostic subject, this great poem describes the animosity in rhythmical unity.

There is absolutely nothing I can add to improve this item. The spelling, grammar, punctuation and rhyme are all in order and great continuity with the poem.

A master acrostic which is ready for publishing.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

lonewolfmcq

632

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14 days may be credited.

#3463642

Review of The Weather King

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Intro

"The Weather King"

🌕 HuntersMoon

It is always a pleasure and treat to come across one of your entries. Each piece I have ever encountered is well written and has a wonderful yet brief description at the bottom, as well as a nice little bit about reviews. I find this tastefully done and almost poetic.

What I found extremely impressive about this poem was that it was created to date, in conjunction with the actual events of the day. Not only did we get a poem about shadows and Punxsutawney Phil, but we get to actually see the results from his prediction for this day as they happened. I truly appreciated this because I happened to have other things occupy me on this day and missed the results.

With an alternate rhyming scheme, this poem runs down the page as the tale of an event about to unfold. This is from the perspective of Phil as he is about o make his yearly debut in front of millions of audience members.

I found the rhymes to all be true and easy for the reader. Nothing was forced and the story takes care of itself. An added bonus was the picture included to give additional life and realism to the story being told.

Thank you for participating in this group activity. It is truly appreciated. Judging and reviewing are underway. Winners will be announced shortly.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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633

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#3463500

Review of Rescue me Daturas

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

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Intro

"Rescue me Daturas"

xavier

Call me sleepy,
call me tired,
give me coffee
to wake the senses.
It took me a while
to break this down,
do to my own pretenses.

In order for me to grasp this poem today I had to break this down verse by verse. This was a personal challenge, nothing to do with the poem. Keep in mind that poetry is to interpretation, so I will share my view with you.

Here I see a grandfather who knows that his grandson wishes more information on his father's passing. The first verse references this with the mention of the gravestone. From here the poem goes right into the memory of father and son (grandfather to the boy in verse one).

During a desert excursion the son is bitten by a snake(though the poem never says what the ailment is, this is the impression I get) while in the desert. The father then must lay his son down in the desert, holding his hand as he passes.

After writing this...I see a new vision. This is actually a metaphor of what really happened. This is the story of a father who must witness the passing of his son. He is there through the end, holding his hand.

~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation.

Overall this was a lesson for me. Not only had I read these two times, but I began reviewing and mid review, saw a new vision. The lesson I learned was to have a clear view of what I see before starting a review.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

~WhoMe???~

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634

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#3462486

Review of My Memories Of You

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Intro

"My Memories Of You"

Samantha14

This is an emotional poem of love and loss. The verse, for this reads as one, though it could be separated into two, has a plea for a lost love to return so their relationship can flourish. The line before last gives it away that he left or you broke the relationship off, rather than some tragic accident taking him from you. This gives hope that the plea will be heard and answered.

As I read down the page I could not help but ask myself if this was meant to be read as one breath, hurried, rushed and all bunched together. I say this due to the commas for punctuation. Punctuation in poetry represents where the author wishes you to stop for breath, pause for effect and contemplation, or to end a thought. As it stands, this poem left me breathless. It made it hard to find the voice of the poem.

~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation other than just the use of commas.

Have you thought about centering this on the page? How a poem is aligned or displayed on the page is a great tool for authors to add a subconscious level to the poem...

Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. With emotion of the poem, I felt centering it would give the added illustration of missing something that once was, almost as if something is broken. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

Overall I feel this is a good poem. I did feel there was too much space in between lines, leaving room for distraction.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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635

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#3459999

Review of Forgiveness

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

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Intro

"Forgiveness"

Jezri

This spiritual tale of healing and faith has a wonderful way of lifting the spirits. The rhythm and rhyme that cascade down the page kept an easy flow, even when some of the rhymes were a stretch.

felt to help a small stretch for the rhyme the el rhymes, but the final consonant throws it off just barely, a workable rhyme, though not exact.

pain to camea small stretch for the rhyme the long a rhymes, but the final consonant throws it off just barely, a workable rhyme, though not exact.

go to sowna small stretch for the rhyme the long orhymes, but the final consonant in the second of the rhyme throws it off just barely, a workable rhyme, though not exact.

end to againNo rhyme at all.

sins to dimsa small stretch for the rhyme the short i rhymes, but the final consonant throws it off just barely, a workable rhyme, though not exact.

Overall a wonderful story of faith, love and forgiveness. The rhymes were a bit off at times, but they were close enough for the most part to roll off the tongue and only cause a small hiccup. This spiritual piece was a pleasure to read.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3459964

Review of Corbin the War Child

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Intro

"Corbin the War Child"

David Gere

This is a sad tale with a happy ending. Being trapped and confused as life is destroyed around you is hard enough for anyone to endure. To have to go through it as a child with a learning disability, unaware of exactly what is happening, I personally can see as unbearable and scarring. The happy ending as I see it is the re-uniting with his mother, even if on another plane of existence.

illuminating a world of a world of rubble and wreckage.
It appears as if in the editing process, some of the sentence structure was duplicated. I have ran a slash through one set of duplication.

~towards~ represents directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being a word of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, afterward, inward, downward, backward, outward, beside, to name a few.

This is a well written story. The spelling, punctuation and grammar are error free with the one exception mentioned. The story uses the prompt well in my opinion and delivers a sad tale of a child scared, lonely and confused at the chaos exploding around them.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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637

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#3459281

Review of Damned to sin

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

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Intro

"Damned to sin"

S. D. Blankenship

Rhyming couplets cascading down the page with great rhythm.
I could find no rhyme that was not true.
This was a sad tale of heartache and deception as she left him for someone new. Did she ever love him, as she once declared? Or was he merely a stepping stone to get across the pond?

Some will tell you that the syllable count of each couplet should match with each line. I myself believe the punctuation tells the story and helps the tale along. Go with your gut instinct and keep true to what you feel is correct, as the story or poem reveals it to you.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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638

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#3456397

Review of Waiting

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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Intro

"Waiting"

Andy Macneil

A wonderful short story full of suspense and drama. Awaiting in the shadows for the arrival of the homeowner is a surprise like no other...

The third sentence is a compound sentence and really should be broke up into two separate sentences. The break should occur after the word now.

I like suspense and drama, especially with the twist for the viewer or reader. You never know what is going to happen. Or, you think you know because you have been lead down the path a certain way, with other important details left off so as to let you come to your own conclusions.

Overall except for the one item mentioned above, I didn't notice any grammar, spelling or punctuation errors.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3456389

Review of Dear Diary

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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Intro

"Dear Diary"

RS KrisAnn-Thanks Blainecindy!

A contest entry based off the prompt of "missed opportunity", this story is a look back on what was before, and why the dreams of today and yesteryear will go unanswered.

In order to show an opportunity that has been missed, I feel it was necessary to give the background. Doing so strengthens the piece and illustrates the hard impact as to why the dream will not be fulfilled.

I didn't notice any grammar, spelling or punctuation errors to comment upon. This is well written and free of error as I can see.

Overall I feel this is a wonderful short story. This showcases so many elements all wrapped into one.

I think it is sad when today's teenagers no longer think it that big a deal to give birth or have an abortion. It use to be such a social stigma that either one was considered taboo, and something for adults, not the youth of society.

I feel the character adjusted well to the situation at hand and this is well illustrated in the story.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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640

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#3456325

Review of Lie To Me My lover

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

** Image ID #1735523 Unavailable **
Not all who wander are lost.

Congratulations on your nomination into "Ink Blot Hall of Fame"
Along with your nomination, you are also receiving the J.R.R. Tolkien Fan Package!
This package includes many things, one of which is this review from the "Invalid Item"

which was donated to you anonymously!

Vivid memories are shared with a metaphorical eloquence describing a relationship between a husband and wife. These memories are told with a poetic justice to the relationship, dripped in sarcasm and whit as if thoughts of the mind being related on paper.

In the first section when speaking of the child lost, there are two sentences back to back that begin with Then. I think to improve upon the dramatic effect of this without seeming repetitious I would consider altering the two sentences, along with the one preceding them.

He came and saw me. Then took the soulless body. Then he punched me...hard...

He came and saw me, ripped the soulless body from me, then punched me with all he had left in him...

This shows the same actions as before, but also shows that the expected heir's death caused him great distress and drained some of the life out of him.

When speaking of happiness, it is defined that happiness could not be sought due to being damned. In this same section, it reflects that the talents and skills that she possess cause her misery. The exact wording:

My internal talents dried for misery.
Are you trying to say that the skills and talents you have caused you grief due to lack of using them? I think, and hope I am not off base, the message you are trying to convey is that these hidden talents began to shrivel and curl in on themselves from misery. The talents themselves were injured or upset by the lack of use. The misery was causing them harm, not the talents causing you grief.

Overall I like the unusual way this is written. It isn't written to be grammatically correct, it is written as the thoughts that cross our minds. It is the thoughts of a lost and damned soul finding redemption and a chance to escape a caged life. Finding oneself and discovering who you really are defines this piece well.

I think my most favorite lines in this short piece is the poetic line.... So Lie To Me My Lover as I have lied to you.

Write on!
~WhoMe???~

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#3455131

Review of The Gift of Independence

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

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Intro

"The Gift of Independence"

Jeff

A heart endearing story, this was both touching and struck a cord that had tears in the eyes. Sometimes the generosity of a stranger can be overwhelming. This tale was one that showcases there are still those out there who care and are willing to help.

The friends didn't know who this stranger was, yet they went to the house and hid. That being the case he must have presented himself to the friends and given an alias, asking to remain anonymous. How did he know about the birthday though?

I didn't notice any grammar, spelling or punctuation errors to comment upon. This is well written and a gem to read.

Overall this is well written. It sparked a ray of sunshine on a most gloomy day.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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#3454666

Review of Pain

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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Intro

"Pain"

Josh Campbell

A dark emotional piece on pain and suffering, this tragic poem is deep and scary. If I had a friend show this to me I would be weary of their mental state. I would question them at length due to the violence riddled through the piece.

~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't , to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation.

Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page implies unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. With the strong and emotional aspect of this, it fits both centered and aligned. Aligning to the left shows the consistent rhythm and rhyme. I feel however due to the content, centering would best showcase this poem. By centering this, it breaks up the smooth flow enough to show the jagged emotions cutting through the poem. It keeps the rhythm with the punctuation, or rhyming words, but illustrates that an emotional unrest is at hand. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

Overall a disturbing poem. One I would hope was based on fiction not fact. The emotional state of someone in this place is to be questioned. An intent to harm not only oneself, but others as well is never something to take lightly. All that aside, this is well written.

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#3454604

Review of Lesson 2 - Freytag's Pyramid

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Intro

"Lesson 2 - Freytag's Pyramid"

Have a sunshiny day!

I am not educated in writing stories, past the basic high school level. What I learned long ago, was the basic structure, and could have been related to this format, though over the years, without use and practice we tend to forget bits and parts of what we learned. I had to look up Freytag. Not to verify what you have done with this second lesson of yours, but to see for myself an expanded explanation on this form of writing.

Gustav Freytag was a Nineteenth Century German novelist who saw common patterns in the plots of stories and novels and developed a diagram to analyze them. He diagrammed a story's plot using the pyramid _/\_ .

I found the story, both version one and two, to be very educational. Using the color scheme to illustrate the lesson enabled readers to see a working visual of what the lesson is, and I feel is something they can better relate with.

I would include the pyramid also for others to further see Freytag's vision. _/\_

Overall a great lesson and educational tool.

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#3454476

Review of A Wise Father

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Intro

"A Wise Father"

Quick-Quill

Not at all what I was expecting as I began reading this story. Some pieces you can almost tell paragraph by paragraph, just what is about to happen. With this story though, I was kept guessing, and even one part was totally off base. I am very glad to have stumbled upon a reading that offers a fresh story with a lesson to man. A great read and a fantastic writing.

In the last sentence of the story, there is a slight grammar mayhem. Instead of there were be, I would suggest changing to there would be, to keep the sentence in the right time frame and grammatical sense.

Other than the one error mentioned above, the grammar, spelling and punctuation all appeared to be in order.

Overall this refreshing piece made me smile. This is a testament of love as well as a piece to influence others to love unconditionally. A great lesson is delivered in this superb tale.

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#3452771

Review of A new creation

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.5)

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Intro

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. Thanks for entering!

"A new creation"

J.P. Ruiz

Charlie is an alcoholic police officer and his life appears to be falling apart. This is a story of faith and healing.

To begin with, the first paragraph seems to be completely out of sequence. So as not to copy and paste a lot the order I see it is, I have numbered each sentence. The order has more clarity for me when read as 1/2/5/3/4/6/7/8.

~The noun Charlie seems to take over the page. In paragraph 2 it is used twelve separate times. I would suggest some rewording with pronouns and a little sentence work to alter this. It became distracting. Sort of like when your mother calls you by your name repeatedly throughout the day, sometimes you start to tune her out. This is what happens here.

~Did Charlie become a policeman because it had been his dream since childhood, or to protect his family? Seems like it could be both, but the sentence structure for this makes it confusing as if the two are separate items and unrelated. Though it may have been a childhood dream, now that he had a family, it seemed the only profession right for him, this way he could help to make the world a better and safer place for his family...

~Charlie's thoughts on "its still not enough" seem to be repetitive to the preceeding sentence with but still it was not enough.

~ would they openly talk finances of this nature at the table with the children present?

Overall I felt this was a good story, but the ending felt rushed. Perhaps too much emphasis had gone into the layout of what was before, and the change of lifestyle was rushed too fast for it to be believable or enjoyable for the reader. With a bit of editing and work after the contest, I am sure this will reach its true potential.

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#3452766

Review of The Past, The Future

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

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Intro

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. Thanks for entering!

"The Past, The Future"

Author in Training

The past, present and future. Sometimes it is hard to see the present for what it truly is and allow the future to happen, simply because we haven't truly opened our eyes. That is the premise of this story.

The grammatical structure of this story needs some reworking. The third person point of view did not do justice to this story as it is written. Some reworking of the sentences may correct this however.

~Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and, creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality. I have found that the younger the audience, the more the use of conjunctions starting sentences.

Overall this read as a rough draft that was still in need of some editing. The storyline was easy to follow despite all that, and the quotation is evident in the conclusion of the story. Upon further editing I would gladly come back and re-read and re-review this item.

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#3452758

Review of The Long Climb to Freedom

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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Intro

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. Thanks for entering!

"The Long Climb to Freedom "

Helene - Missing being here!

At what point in our early adulthood do we decide what is best for us? How long do we let others have a say in how we live our lives? There comes a point in time where we will stand up and say, "I must do this for me."

This is a wonderful story on finding one's voice and moving on with life. Making a choice and following through with it. We can't stay quite forever and let others dictate what we will be, what we will do, or who we will become. Thee comes a time when we must look back at the past and decide where we want to go with our present and future. That is the wonderful message I find in this well written story.

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#3452754

Review of Madeline

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Intro

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. Thanks for entering!

"Madeline"

Janet Nimoy

An interesting tale of love, life and living, this somber tale has light at the end of the tunnel.

~towards~ represents directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being a word of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, afterward, inward, downward, backward, outward, beside, to name a few.

had often dreaming dreamt of a life

A creative use of the inspirational quote.

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#3452748

Review of At This Point in Time

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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Intro

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"

. Thanks for entering!

"At This Point in Time"

Moarzjasac

Only you can make the decision to change. This is the story one man given another chance at a better life, through seeing that others have traveled the road before him.

~Eduardo had left Max tosit and cool his heels (add the red word into the sentence for grammar clarity)

~He dug is his pen out

~Put quotes around "We are trying to wean this patient...(lowercase patient)

~After a large breakfast better than any he had ( another couple of missing words)

~The goal here is to put the brakes (add the red)

A well written story that compliments the inspirational quotation. This wonderful tale was free of spelling and punctuation errors. I found this both inspirational and a great learning tool for others.

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#3452518

Review of Hounds of Hell - Chapter 2

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

** Image ID #1735841 Unavailable **
Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.

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REVIEWED BY A SIMPLY POSITIVE REVIEWER

~ Delaflote broke Lynch’s vise-like grip on The Book, and pushed it aside. He grabbed Lynch’s shoulders, shaking him to get his attention and shouted
If Delaflote has Lynch by the shoulders shaking him, he is most likely standing directly in front of Lynch with one hand on each shoulder, thus making the next moves of Lynch impossible without first tearing free from Delaflote, or Delaflote releasing him.

~towards~ represents directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being a word of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, afterward, inward, downward, backward, outward, beside, to name a few.

It is now 2am and I am sitting here dazed. I wasn't expecting the ending to go quite as it did. Pleasantly surprised you can say. I am enjoying this story. I can see the characters as they truly are and feel the darkness emanating from their every pore. The book seems to be drawn to this.

Write on!
~WhoMe???~