~WhoMe???~'s (whome) Reviews

~WhoMe???~

Review Requests: OFF

4,509 Public Reviews Given

4,699 Total Reviews Given

551

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14 days may be credited.

#3497464

Review of Strays

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

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A wonderful story that moved me emotionally. I strongly urge you to tuck this one away for a rainy day. This short piece has the potential to launch a novel. With this being the first page in the book, I don't know how anyone would be able to put it down.

One thing stuck out, and that was the word Touch

is this suppose to be touche? The e should have the little mark above it, but I don't know how to do that...

Overall a wonderful story. Great job, and good luck.

552

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#3497267

Review of Strays

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

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To build character, a background must be given. This is a short piece on the character of a memorable person. An uncle takes in his niece after she loses her parents. To me this was an emotional reading. The highly charged moments between the two characters is described as can only be truly experienced through reading, other than through reality. This is not something that can easily be showcased in film, without a lot of time wasted and meaning lost.

Though this short piece is written for a contest, this is a strong basis for a story or novel, one I would enjoy reading.

~Cass, feelings got hurt and neither of us were was willing to say we were wrong.
(The was form is possible in informal, familiar conversation.)
(The were form is correct at all times as long as a subject and a verb agree in number and person)

~with someone that who only cared about the government check...
Use who or whom to refer to people, and that or which to refer to nouns that indicate non-humans.

~That wasThose were my first two years...
Subject to verb inconsistency. A subject and verb must agree in number and person.

~going through a lot right now[,] and it's...

~ I know you left.
He didn't leave though. The boys were already in Foster care, and were offered a chance to go home...he chose to stay, not the same as leaving...In reading this, I was a bit confused the further on I got. Each time I re-read this part, something didn't fit right.

Who is this cop who has finally found a reason to survive, and how will Cass save him from himself? This is a short story that would make the book worth reading time after time. In reading this piece I wanted to see what would happen. This is great character buildup and I wish you luck in the contest.

553

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14 days may be credited.

#3496333

Review of Yours To Hold

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

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The subtext doesn't fit the story. In the story, he will miss her. Physical attributes are described with great detail. If he hadn't noticed these before, he wouldn't be remembering them now,

There was one sentence which had a repetitive use of the word that, to the tune of three times.

~caught my attention[.] It was the...
~ the 3rd grade[,] and I laughed ...
~No, she was in fact[,] in...
~The girl I turned down...

Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but, or, and , creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. These three words are coordinate conjunctions used to joinsentences or part of sentences that have the same grammatical status. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality. I have now come across two main circumstances where this happens repeatedly. The first is when the writer is putting to print exactly as they speak, and the other is with addressing or speaking to or for a younger audience.

An average short piece due to technical editing points, this short story is a life's lesson in cruelty and remorse.

554

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#3496323

Review of The Garden

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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A moment of pure joy and bliss is shared as this moment of rapture erupts before us in this poetic piece.

I found the grammar, spelling and punctuation all to be in order.

Well written with a vision of spring for the forecast, this bright and cheery moment put some sunshine into my day.

555

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14 days may be credited.

#3496301

Review of CRADLE ME

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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I came upon your item through the "Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers"

. Each week there are new items placed there from new members of the site. I was pleased to stumble upon this great poem there.

I suppose I was looking for something involving a couple or a child, with the word cradle in the title. It is funny how easy it is to form preconceived notions from titles.

I feel that the voice of the poem is alone and sad, looking for that special someone to complete the package.

Point To Ponder
~Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all the lines are askew, based upon the character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. Though keep in mind, this is just my opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

Overall
Overall this is well written. The lines compliment each other, punctuation was in order, and the subject matter was sound.

556

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#3496279

Review of Before 8 November

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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A wonderful rhyming poem of love and destiny. If destiny and fate, where does that leave freedom of choice or free-will? I found this romantic poem to be one of soul-mates who have already made their choice to be true to each other through time and all eternity.

A thought provoking poem that is well written. The grammar, spelling and punctuation are well in order. The subject matter is sound and fits well for the contest. Great work!

557

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14 days may be credited.

#3496252

Review of What's In a Name?

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Intro

"What's In a Name?"

Sharkdaddy

A well executed short piece on the merits of your middle name, and how you came to find peace with a nemesis. We can't all agree with things that are settled upon us by others, but we can find creative ways to make these items work for us.

~At school[,] I would face instant death...

I didn't notice any grammar, spelling or punctuation errors to comment upon.

Overall, this is well written. I found an equilibrium of balance that supports the story well.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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558

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14 days may be credited.

#3496057

Review of She Lit Up The Sky

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Greetings Bikerider

~

~ First Impression:
Fairy tale endings are hard to come by these days. Andy worries about what he will find at the high school reunion, but must go to find out. His nervousness and anticipation have been building for years. Will he be disappointed once again?

~

~ Characterization:
Andy, in his response to the letters, shows great characteristics. He has a strong moral code and has loved only one girl. Though he may have lost her once, he wishes her well, and now, only wishes to see her once more.

~

~Any editing comments:
~through high school[.] We were...
~we agreed that when I came home[,] I would bring...
~assumed she was married[,] and I didn’t...
~Fidgeting as I dressed[,] I wondered...
~floated in the warm arm air...
~step toward her[,] and we hugged...

~

~Dialog:
The dialog between the two characters is intense, yet realistic. The stammer, or stutter of Andy isn't well portrayed and could use some work though, to show his nervousness.

~

~Overall:
Overall a great story with wonderful utilization of the prompt.

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing and artistic skills!
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559

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14 days may be credited.

#3496012

Review of SHE LIT UP THE SKY

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Greetings jaya

~

~ First Impression:
The first impression I get is of a family outing where grandparents with parents have gathered to witness a competition event of grand character and intelligence. This is a match of chess, with opponents of varied ages vying to win the ultimate challenge. At such an early age, sweet Sofia illuminates the contest with her concentration while playing each game. To her it is about the game, and not the ultimate contest. Each win is a victory of its own.

~

~ Characterization:
I can see proud grandparents smiling from the sidelines as they watch their granddaughter with pride and prejudice.

Sofia is a pillar of strength and yet her seamless effort gives her a radiance as the joy of the game lights up her face.

~

~Any editing comments:
I didn't notice any grammar, spelling or punctuation comments to mention. The prompt is well used and compliments the poem.

"Invalid Item"

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing and artistic skills!
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560

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14 days may be credited.

#3495983

Review of Looking Back

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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♥♥♥♥♥ Reviews Won In Auction ♥♥♥♥♥

This is review #2 of 2 won by you in an auction.

Hello Mara ♣ McBain

Brief Summary:
In looking at this follow-up letter, I can see you have accomplished quite a lot in the previous year. Sometimes it takes an evaluation like this to truly see and appreciate all that has transpired through the past year, or set of goals.

Editing Comments:
~New Year's resolutions[,] I think...
~ weeks of January[,] I managed a...
~It was this[,] I was thinking of this...
~I've wrote written fifteen short stories...
~When I cringed this morning[,] I thought 2010...
~opened my eyes[,] and I am amazed...
~Once again[,] it highlights the finer...

Suggestions:
I may not be dead on with some of the technical aspects of the review. I would suggest checking with other sources before changing anything.

What I liked about this piece:
I liked that this was a follow-up piece. It keeps things in perspective when you go back and analyze things to see what has truly transpired. At first glance things do not always appear as they are, but when going over line by line, it is seen just exactly how much you have accomplished. GREAT JOB.

Thank you for sharing your creative writing. I encourage you to do more.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

♥♥♥♥♥ Thank You ♥♥♥♥♥

561

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#3493923

Review of Dracula Essay

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Intro

"Dracula Essay"

Shay Crews

A classroom assignment with twists to a well known story, this creative piece gives us a new look on an old legend.

~married only but a fortnight[,] and he...
~he promised fiercely[.] His brows...
~ In my mind[,] I could see him laughing...
~heart that once was[,] only knows...

I would suggest adding spacing between paragraphs and speech, so as to allow for easier reading. Without the breath of space, when staring at a computer screen, the words tend to blend together after a bit of time.

Overall a decent story. How did it do for the assignment?

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

~WhoMe???~

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562

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14 days may be credited.

#3493876

Review of Lonely

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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I found this to be a sad tale of the number one and how it seems to stand alone in all things. For me, this is where I see myself once my fairytale ends, as in life, all things do. This made me want to reach out to the voice of the poem letting them know how precious they are and how even one has greatness to share with others. There are so many ways to bring life into the lonely number, though I fear this is speaking more of family and loved ones, there are other options as well. Adopt a family. Donate time at the library to read children's stories once a week... become a big brother or big sister...

I am preaching here, time to get off the pulpit and back to the subject at hand, this poem.

This poem brings out the sense of sadness and isolation. Sometimes we aren't single by choice, that is just how the hand played out. This poetic piece captures an emotion and makes you want to embrace the voice of the lonely poem and shower them with love.

~Some will tell you that punctuation is needed in poetry. Others will argue that it is not needed and makes no difference. Still, there will be those who say it is up to the particular poet and the poem itself. Personally, I feel that the way the verses flow down the page, that punctuation is necessary for this piece. Though without it, the message is still there, it just isn't as strong.

For me, I use to write poetry without any punctuation. Somewhere down the line someone gave me sound advice, and it made sense to me. The punctuation, or lack thereof in a poem, is the direction of the writer, guiding the reader. The punctuation is where the author wishes the reader to take a breath; to contemplate; to pause for dramatic effect. The lack of punctuation says the same thing, "Read in one breath, whether slow, or fast, down the page". To me, punctuation is the direction from the author to the reader. Use it, or don't, to your heart's desire and don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. However, if using it, be consistent throughout the piece. My personal opinion, this poem would benefit from punctuation.

~Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all the lines are askew, based upon the character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. Though keep in mind, this is just my opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

563

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14 days may be credited.

#3493349

Review of The human condition

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

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Intro

"The human condition"

Aaron - Stormwielder

In reading this prologue, I then went on with the story for the next two chapters. I am not sure if SPECIAL is the word you are looking for. Perhaps we are wanting to LEAVE OUR MARK ON LIFE or maybe we want to be FAMOUS. Those are a few alternatives. I too think this is lacking something, but without reading the whole story I am not sure the direction this should go. I will have to delve into that at a future time.

Take the story of a man called Ernest Rutherford for example...would he be calledsomething else? I would suggest : The story of a man by the name of ...

Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but, or, and , creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. These three words are coordinate conjunctions used to joinsentences or part of sentences that have the same grammatical status. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality. I have now come across two main circumstances where this happens repeatedly. The first is when the writer is putting to print exactly as they speak, and the other is with addressing or speaking to or for a younger audience.

Overall I found this merely average. The concept seems right on the verge, though not quite enough to grab me and drag me into the story. I like how the ending offers a choice, but feel the last three words are more important than most of the rest of the prologue.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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564

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#3493341

Review of An Eternal Promise, Forever

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.5)

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Intro

"An Eternal Promise, Forever"

BaileyHolliday

A sad tale of love and friendship that will now live on only in memories. With the loss of the departed, this funeral viewing is etched in her memory as the goodbye she never expected.

The opening sentence is incomplete. I see with this piece a poetic poem or prose in the making, and with some of the sentences I question whether or not this was the intent. As a paragraph or two, this doesn't seem to be quite ready for publication. There were many sentences with editing changes that need made. Also, when starting a short story, you want a leading thought to grab the attention of the reader. You almost have it with the existing sentence, only the sentence is incomplete. (the affection and the love did what/where what/made you feel???)something is missing.

~every thing[everything](one word) became so much more...
~I took in my surroundings[.] I was not...
~same world we had been in[.] I couldn’t...
~I couldn’t be[.] It was...
~colourful and alive[.] It was
~Shrinking in on myself[,] I gently...
~lightly along the tulips[.] The velvety...
~ by the tulips, it’s message spoke loudest...
~I rested [on] my forehead...

Overall I felt this was slightly above average. The short segment in time is defined in brevity, however there is nothing that makes this jump out and capture my attention. There were several editing comments that once corrected would increase the overall rating of this item. A good start to a great piece of writing. I would gladly come back and re-rate this upon further editing.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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565

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#3488678

Review of I told her not to open it !

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

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Intro

"I told her not to open it !"

~Sue~

Reading this now, at a somewhat seasoned age, I can see the humor and the delight in this little prank. Now had I read this in my late teens early twenties, I would have joined ranks with Liz and together we would have come up with a doozy in retaliation.

In my early years, I would jump, scream, and go into hysterics if I thought a spider was on me, and that happened quite often for some reason.

Somehow or some when, the dramatical tantrums left. There are still traces, but I don't think I really miss them.

~of five girls, not that that...
~ that is relevant[,] but I just...
~ Of my four sisters[,] I'm probably...
~ I was on the early shift[,] and she...
~ brush and some cardboard[,] we set...
~ Well, beggars can't be choosers[.] It would have...

~manoeuvring vs. maneuvering spelling typ?
~But However, she did let me live!
CONJUNCTION
Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and , creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. These three words are coordinate conjunctions used to joinsentences or part of sentences that have the same grammatical status. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality. I have now come across two main circumstances where this happens repeatedly. The first is when the writer is putting to print exactly as they speak, and the other is with addressing or speaking to or for a younger audience.

Overall I feel this is a terrific piece of writing. The story was humorous and entertaining. I was able to sympathize with Liz at the same time laugh with the voice of the story. Job well done!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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566

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#3487296

Review of Karma

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Intro

"Karma"

Carrie Ruvio

Welcome to this wonderful site that many have come to know as a home away from home. There is so much to do and see around here that every day is a new found adventure. A haven for writers and readers alike, this site is the place to be.

This is a highly charged emotional poem that cascades down the page with a warning. The cause and effect demonstrated in the poem accentuate the title and through reiteration, illustrate the very subject of the poem itself.

I didn't notice any grammar, spelling or punctuation errors to comment upon.

Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all the lines are askew, based upon the character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. Though keep in mind, this is just my opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

Something that did come to mind, was that this is written as if one verse, yet the dynamics of the poem show, there is potential for greater understanding by making these several verses.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

~WhoMe???~

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567

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#3487244

Review of Here I Am

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Greetings Bikerider

~

~ First Impression:
This is a story that brought tears to my eyes. I have read it several times now and each time it choked me up. This is definitely the stuff that fairy tales are made of and great romances as well. This is not to poke fun, for I am one who is living a true fairy tale, so please know, I am not knocking it.

~

~Any editing comments:
I found this to be well written. I didn't notice any grammar, spelling or punctuation errors. The storyline was one that was true and filled with emotion.

~

~Overall:
To me it is so hard to say anything about this story due to the fact that it is so well written and moved me to emotional tears. I have read and re-read this many times now and have sent it to a few select others.

"Invalid Item"

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing and artistic skills!
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568

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#3487221

Review of Here I Am

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Greetings jaya

~

~ First Impression:
To me, this is as much a poem of sacrifice and accomplishment as it is about adventure and daring. Imagine the view from the top!

~

~ Format:
Is this a shape poem? The illustration the formatted words give off are of the steps or climb mentioned in the poem. Tying the two together with this visual is clever and metaphoric.

~

~Any editing comments:
I didn't notice any grammar, spelling or punctuation comments to remark upon.

~

~Description and Setting:
I felt this could be about a real physical journey, or a journey in life that perhaps was metaphoric in nature. Either way, it is well described and therapeutic.

"Invalid Item"

~

~Thank you for sharing your creative writing and artistic skills!
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569

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#3486617

Review of Only For Me

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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Intro

"Only For Me"

kayosphir

A love poem for someone special this beautiful piece speaks on the order of choosing between one great and another. This poem honors the loved one with its beauty.

ALIGNMENT
Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

In the last two lines of the first verse, eyes are the focus. The term, It to describe eyes appears inconsistent. I believe the terminology here should be THEY as in both of them.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

~WhoMe???~

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570

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14 days may be credited.

#3486610

Review of Departure from the Maelstrom - Chapter 2

Review by ~WhoMe???~

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

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Intro

"Departure from the Maelstrom - Chapter 2"

Sal Monid

Chapter two of this story has us learning about Gloria's passion of cooking. The one part of the story that was not consistent with the theme of this chapter is that there was no washing up before the cooking commenced.

Points To Ponder:
CONJUNCTIONS
Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but, or, and creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. These two words are coordinate conjunctions used to join sentences or part of sentences that have the same grammatical status. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality. I have now come across two main circumstances where this happens repeatedly. The first is when the writer is putting to print exactly as they speak, and the other is with addressing or speaking to or for a younger audience.

Editing Comments
~isle vs aisle...isle is the island...aisle as in supermarket aisle...

Overall a good story. Something to look forward to continue reading.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

~WhoMe???~

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571

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#3486228

Review of Trapped Within The Mirror

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (3.5)

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Intro

"Trapped Within The Mirror"

cleohxdeasle

A poem written with rhyming couplets, this piece on being trapped was an interesting read with an inner look of a self portrait. I thought this read as if dark and sad piece on a relationship.

Many typos were discovered in this poem in spelling. I would suggest a proofread through for other inconsistencies. In the meantime, here is a list of the words that need fixed:

~upon
~persistence
~pieces
~its
~piercing
~shielding
~masochist
~tongue
~council

I would suggest breaking this up into several verses instead of one long piece. Furthermore, sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all the lines are askew, based upon the character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. With the consistent rhyming pattern used in the couplet, I felt that the emotional aspect of this poem deserved alignment as to show the unification of spirit and emotion of the two lovers. Though keep in mind, this is just my opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

~WhoMe???~

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#3486196

Review of Grandfather's Yard

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Intro

"Grandfather's Yard"

nextlevel

Fun and adventure are discovered with each visit to the Grandparen'ts house. This is a wonderful memory shared with the reader. Stepping back in time, this piece is one that can transcend the years to fit in any year and still represent the journeys of youth.

~change of the season, the flowers
~but during the fall[,] we hated

~But each time I almost...
~But with the cunning ...
CONJUNCTIONS
Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but, or, and , creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. These two words are coordinate conjunctions used to joinsentences or part of sentences that have the same grammatical status. Avoid beginning a new sentence with a coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet and so). Coordinating conjunctions should be used for connecting between items of the same class within a sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality. I have now come across two main circumstances where this happens repeatedly. The first is when the writer is putting to print exactly as they speak, and the other is with addressing or speaking to or for a younger audience.

~blanket of blue[.] I would

Overall a wonderful read. There were but a few places where some editing was left to do before this is a publishable piece.

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~WhoMe???~

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#3486166

Review of seeking freedom

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

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"seeking freedom"

zabdos

A very thought provoking piece on technology and where it fits within our lives. Is it, a benefit or a hindrance? This paragraph brings to question mental confusion and the ability to be creative and think for ourselves due to technology thinking for us.

Replace the comma with a period and start a new sentence with a capitalized word
~hole possible[.] We move as
~we move as if we are programmed
~day,[add a space]placing a scenario
~ for what[']s gonna
~work [eliminate space],[add space]people everything.

~But these days things are...
Starting a sentence with a conjunction, but or and , creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. These two words are coordinate conjunctions used to joinsentences or part of sentences that have the same grammatical status. Avoid beginning a new sentence with a coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet and so). Coordinating conjunctions should be used for connecting between items of the same class within a sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in today's writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles. When used with slang terminology, the use of conjunctions to start sentences is a commonality. I have now come across two main circumstances where this happens repeatedly. The first is when the writer is putting to print exactly as they speak, and the other is with addressing or speaking to or for a younger audience. [In this instance, delete the word altogether]

~ i'm[capitalize the first letter of the starting word of a sentence] not saying saying technology is harmful...

~ me[,] and you are...
~ i'm sure that [capitlize]
~ who is happy when [capitalize the first letter of the first word of a new sentence.]
~ than all creatures[?][eliminate extra spacing] .We need ...
~ getting the benefit from all this...
~anything youryou're doing, keep
~your freedom.(I'm just a beginner

Overall this poses some great questions and sparks creative thought. There were many editing comments that needed addressed before this is a publishable piece. I would gladly return to re-rate and re-review this item upon editing.

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~WhoMe???~

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#3485630

Review of That Person - Is You!

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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"That Person - Is You!"

Tim Chiu

Rhyming couplets that have a tale to share, this rhythmic poem is a joy to read. I found multiple layers here and that added to the enjoyment. One such reading told the tale of a job that was loved as someone who works in the writing industry. Another layer revealed to me that someone was at work, but reviewing on writing.com in between work assignments. Keeping in mind that writing is to interpretation, this great piece held layers for me beyond the one.

~Written as one verse that traverses the page in a leap, I see this more as a couple of verses. I would make the first split, after the sixth line ending in bottom.

~The second verse would also contain six lines, ending with assignment for you

~The third verse could go one of two ways...
1. eight lines
2. six lines and then end the poem with the 2 line wrap-up...

~In place of bottom, change the word to tush, slang for bottom, so as to remain within the rhyming scheme.

ALIGNMENT
Sometimes something as simple as where an item is placed upon the page can help to determine how it is interpreted. Poetry is up to the interpretation of the reader. What a poet writes, and the message a reader gets isn't always the same, especially when using metaphors. That being said, aligning a poem to the left of a page may imply unification; all is right in the world. Centering an item so that all of the lines are askew, based upon character count, can have the meaning of chaos and turmoil in life or emotion. Though keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion, I am but a novice when it comes to poetry and its teachings.

Overall a wonderful poem that was a joy to read. Thank you for sharing.

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#3483976

Review of Witty Lines & Joker's Smile

Review by ~WhoMe???~

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Rated: E

| (5.0)

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"Witty Lines & Joker's Smile"

Revelry- inspiration needed

Hello my friend. It has been a while since I last made a visit to your port. Upon doing so this last week, I found this poem that spoke volumes to me. It is a poem that tributes a great legend (at least to me) in the acting arena, Heath Leger.

I didn't notice any spelling, grammar or punctuation errors to comment upon. This is well written and a pleasure to read.

Each time I read this, I pictured scenes from the movie. This was an icon gone before his time. He had scenes and characters that many will remember, but I will remember him most in this role. His portrayal of the joker, well for me, he brought the joker to life. This is a grand tribute, thank you!

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