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Transparent to the naive eye, bare, naked to the world...evil lurks. |
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** Image ID #860697 Unavailable ** A bitch that viciously turns on her owner must have been provoked. Betrayed by the one she loved, trusted, needed...her thoughts have become perilous and her actions follow in the full suit many refer to as insane. |
| Dammmm, the man that I love is here right now but I don't know how to reach him. I told him how I feel but that has changed his mood, made me distasteful to him. He'd rather leave than stay with me for expressing myself. He told me that I changed his mood. Dammm. I recall a time in life when I felt the same way about a mothafucka. I guess I must be getting my just 'desserts.' |
| Today was one of those days where I could have just crashed into floor and dissappeared into the dirt I felt like. I did the sick scolding shower thing before I left home trying to wash away old 35 year old dirt left by an unruly dearly beloved. As much as I washed and as red as my fair skin was, I could still feel his film of sickening child predator's lust creeping into my day. The moment my eyes opened this morning at 4 o'clock, the feeling creeped into my mind's window pane and splashes of scenes rushed inside of my mind. I turned and tossed in an effort to get into a comfortable possition so that I'd hurry back off to sleep. That didn't happen. With every turn it seemed that another scene that should have never happened in my childhood life became life in living color on the inside of my closed eyelids. There was no running cause. I know cause I have tried to run away for the sad scenes for many years. Who am I fooling? I could have forgotten about all of this a long time ago. I just want to be sad, right? I just want to be sad cause that's what I'm used to being is a sad little girl, then a sad teenager and then a sad young adult and now a sad grown as woman, right? Yeah, that's what I've wanted to grow up and be all of my life. Forget the fact that I've gone to college over ten years in pursuit of the knowledge to forget how to be sad with lots of money and friends in high places. Forget that I drink up Italy trying to drown the memories away with small and huge sips. It depends on the day. Forget that I smoke cigarettes by the carton that's supposed to make me feel happy with all of the 4000 plus chemicals, right? I want to be sad, lonely and depressed driving down memory lane, again, forever, for always, Sad. |
| It's six o'clock in the morning. I haven't been to sleep. Well, with the exception of the nap I had at about 8-9. Sleep just wont stay with me. I know what it is. I haven't really prayed and dedicated my heart to Him but I've certainly been dedicating my silly mind to Twelve lately. He's in most of my waking thoughts. How do you get rid of loving someone? It feels too much like poison. This can't be anygood for my heart, cause I know my mind is going crazy. I've been playing music allll night long and mostly thinking about his tail and his front too. I don't understand how a woman like me could be so inthralled, entangled into his messy web of women. He says it's because he's not one of the guys that falls at me feet or jump when I say boo. I hope that's not the case. Good morning |
| Be still my broken heart. I went out with a great man last night. He was quite witty and even semi getty, if that's how you spell that silly sounding word. He's handsome enough too. I like his smile, at least when it seems genuine. He does have a fake side. I saw it. I'll talk about that later though. One evening I was chatting with him online. I can't recall our conversation, especially after he cut me down the way he had. We were discussing something that led me to type a semi-sexual comment. He said that he'd rather now speak on that. I didn't know what he meant. He said, "I don't think we should discuss sex since it is normally a tool that adults use to flirt. My current girlfriend says that I do that and it is true. So, with that, I will refrain from speaking on that subject." I told him that I wasn't flirting but was giving him my aesthetic response to a site he'd suggested. He didn't believe me, I guess and continued to say those rude things. It was quite awkward. However, I told him, "Oh, 'Darren', I already know that you are much too good for a woman like me. I'd never try to hit on you because I know you'd want someone much more sophisticated and with much more to offer. No, I'd never meet your standards." Mind you, I'm writing all of this via chat so he can't see the contorted expressions and the laughs on my face. I continued with the condescending negative comments about myself while boosting his already inflated ego into yet another stratosphere. Then he turned the tables. He started telling me how good of a person that I am and that I should never think of myself in those ways. LOL. Real funny. I was still smirking and writing him back. He must've misinterpreted my screen name, which is 'Playologist.' I was certainly playing a game I'd mastered all so long ago. Although the game always pissed me off, I still mastered it. The game is, let the man/woman think that they're so much better. Give them lots of rope, the kind that's easy to tie a knot in, to let them hang themselves with. Listen and watch their new cocky attitude that they're better than you. Just listen and pretend to like them much more than you do. Treat them very kindly, maybe even make them think you're a rug to be walked on and used. Then, one day just stop it all. Stop responding to them. Stop seeing them. Stop taking the bullshit they try to serve on a silver plater. Just shock them with all the things they're been able to do but will no longer be able to do, then completely stop calling them. Now, especially if you have caller id, you will see their telenumber constantly flashing across your screen. Call them back occassionally, but always be short and careless. They'll start trying to pinpoint when it is that you and he/she can get together. If you still like them at this point and have a sexual relationship, make sure you do it your best the next time you give your love. Then, afterward, start being cold again. Soon, you will be serving them passion lashings...the very ones they tried to serve you in the first place. Be careful not to fall in love cause it makes it that much harder. You will be putty to him/her and may not be able to control it and become that very same rug that you've snatched from him/her. Good night! |
| My Lord, what's so wrong with me that my love isn't good enough for this man to love me and respect me back? Is this a curse? I finally fall for someone and he's not the right one either? What on earth am I to do with all of this love I've personally nourished and grown for him? Who will I give it to? How bout sell it to? I can see the caption now, "Ground Heart Meat For Sale" That's definitely what whomever purchased this would be getting since this asshole has taken personal care in pulverizing the damned thang. I'm surprised that it still beats. Instead of him serananding me beneath the balcony, he's down there with a pile of sharpened heavy rocks throwing them directly at my already broken heart. Ouch! |
| Wow! Talking to my aunt tonight has been such a revelation. Talking to her is like listening to a book of women hater tales. It is just amazing that women have endured such treatment as a result of watching a parent(s) and learning how to be treated. |
| ...and I haven't been to sleep yet. I'm confused, scared, sad and lonely. I am going to see a lawyer, a bankrutsy lawyer at that, this morning. What to do? Nothing. No more than I can do. I guess I should thank God that there is a law available to protect me in this legal matter. God, how I wish things had not gone to this extreme though. I feel sick. I can't sleep, thinking and tossing and turning. Dammm. Is this some more extremities of my childhood past? I do know that people, whether abuse survivors or not, file this. I'm just wondering about my own situation; had it not been for this shit, would I have been stable enough to keep up with my bills. I'm certainly skilled enough to work a very good paying job. So, why am I not? I am going to have one more drink and one more cigarette and then write just a little more, then go to sleep. Let me tell you this though. I'm tired. I'm really tired. I read something about people like me today from T.D. Jake's, "Woman, Thou Art Loosed," website. Of course, all we that know about the latest releases, know that this movie is about women/men that have been abused, especially sexually. This made me sad to read that soooo many of us have had to deal with this. This also makes me feel good in the strangest way, to know that I am not alone in feeling these weird feelings of limited self worth. I hate me at times. Especially those times when my son don't or wont understand that I was doing the best that I could. Little does this poor child know, everything I did was such a struggle. Forn instance, when i was trying to buy this condo off of Sherman BLVD and Grant, I had plans on dying soon afterward. God is good. Real good. The deal fell through. He knew that I would have been satisfied to at least leave my children with some property to start their lives off with. He knew. He really understood my sick and selfish mind. I'm happy, although, I must look like a fool to the family that I paid all of those bills and other things in effort to get that house that I never got. I already know how some of them think. The ones that asked to borrow money and I didn't because I had another mission, must be happily, merrily glad that my life is working out like it is. I've heard it over and over. They think that I was 'actin' funny' with some money. Fuck them. I know what I was trying to do. I wanted some property to leave to my children. Ha! Everything short of loving 'Twelve' is for them. Twelve is all I have to myself and thank God cause if he was anything like my stepfather, he'd be dead with Twelve wasted inches of dick, probably stuffed so far up or down his own throat that the corinors wouldn't find it under their fine scope. That's the truth, Ruth. Good night. |
| Hmm, my daughter is a teenager. A grown teenager at that. Although she's still in high school, she is eighteen, grown, according to US laws and some of her actions. Yes, some of them. 'Some' is the operable word here. None of those 'some' grown gestures include paying bills. Therefore, to me, she is still a child, although a teen, a child in this house. So, rules still apply. What I say goes. I said, for instance, when my daughter got off work today, "Wash the towels." Now I didn't know or understand that 'I' was supposed to gather them and have them neatly separated and packed for her to just throw into the washer. My concern was much greater. Hell, I was thinking about the high light and gas bill and how long I'd be able to maintain these luxuries of clean towels. I had just barely paid the rent, car repairs and a few other utilities. Now, what on earth makes this grown child think that 'I' should make washing towels so simple for her? She almost sounds like my grown male child that asked me why I hadn't swept the floor and prepared the mop water, since I wanted the floor that I was bitching about being so clean, mopped. Well, that attitude was such a problem. For one, I was/am the parent-adult here. Now, how on earth does a child fix their nonpaying bill asses mouths to ask stupid questions about any darned thing? Just do the shit and thank me later with a good report card and later on in life, thank me for giving you direction, responsibility and something to do other than begging and expecting something for nothing. This leads me to the present issue; my teenaged, yet grown, high school daughter. I guess since she works and pays her own cell phone, buy her own clothes and car maintenance. See, the way I see it, if she doesn't want to do any chores, she can 1.) move where she does not have to do chores, or 2.) do the shit and get a grown ups opinion on contributing to the household. |
| When we hear the word 'laxative' naturally we think of the bottom half and release. Nope. Not right now. I am speaking of the situations we as human beings, naturally prone to sin, get ourselves in or vicariously thrown into. Single women have to deal with this more than any other social groups. Especially single mothers. How we became single mothers my hold the key to our mental constipations that leaves us with the need for a laxative for the soul. Then again, there are some single mothers that really tried to do the right thing; get married and then have children. But what does one do when that very husband becomes worthless to the good of the family unit then decides his pride is under attack and so he attack the wife? Most of us sit around waiting for a miracle to make that controlling man w/o a job stop hitting/beating and emotionally abusing us. Then, some just leave and thus become single parents. This bring me to my subject, Laxatives for the Soul. What is that? Who knose? I don't know either since this is just a term that popped into my head just as I begun writing. However, it sounds to me like I need some of that laxative. Each day that I wake, for which I am grateful, I think of issues that make me want to turn back over and go back to sleep. Most of them are monetary issues. Then I think about the things that led me to this economic status and really want to go back to sleep. Many doctors of psychology has spread the word that this sort of behavior is called depression. I agree because this is depressing. It's depressing that I am in this situation and my daughter is graduating from high school and I don't have enough money to even support this blessing. She's such a wonderful girl and deserves to have this day as special as possible. Now, what can I do about this? I've tried using my culinary skills to raise money. The products and time dont yeild enough of a profit so that idea went down the sink with the rest of the dirty water. Any suggestions on how to raise fast money? Yeah, someone offered me a way. It was too easy, therefore illegal. My goodness, here it is again. Single mom vicariously steps into a position to sin and therefore need a laxative for her soul. |
| Proverbs: 23 on drinking Proverbs: 18-2 on fools Proverbs: 21:13 on turning your back on thy neighbor. Proverbs: 23:9 Speak not in the ear of a fool; for he will despise the wisdom of thy words. Chronicles 9:8 More to come...do come back now. |
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