%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |
Transparent to the naive eye, bare, naked to the world...evil lurks. |
|
** Image ID #860697 Unavailable ** A bitch that viciously turns on her owner must have been provoked. Betrayed by the one she loved, trusted, needed...her thoughts have become perilous and her actions follow in the full suit many refer to as insane. |
| My goodness! This man has asked me, practically begged me to be his woman. Against my better judgment and his jail and street record, I agreed. It's not that I was desperate for love, or a man either. It's just that I figured things would be all good since we've known each other for so long. Ok, we did up a few times. Yeah, yeah. Gave up the goodies. Since this was a relationship that really is 'taboo' I don't think I could really get into sex with him. I figured things would calm down, I'd relax and we'd really get down. HA! The problem? He claims to be a man. I've been single for quite a while. In lots of ways, that's good but there are the negatives to deal with; I'm used to doing things my way, when I want, how and how long. The down side was/is the limited conversation, single finances, and sex. Well, of course, there are options and I indeed excercised them all too well. The conversations were met via socializing, chit-chats, conversations w/girlfriends...well, the sex part kinda speaks for itself, right? Lot's of late night phone chats w/friends or men I'd meet. Financially, I managed. There were lots of times that I went w/o just for the kid's sake, or even worse; did things that I could possibly regret one day (not right now though) Toys and imagination goes a long way, just in case you hadn't figured out how sex was improvised. Ok, back to my new lover. He came to me with manly converstations. Delighted me with all the things he like about me and what he has to bring to this already established household and table. Fine, right? Hell nawl! This fucker has yet to produce any of the things he claims he can or will. The only problem is, he thinks that he deserves to be sexually delighted, cooked for, soothed, clothes washed, massaged...you know, all the things a real man deserves. How fucking funny he is. The other day he wanted sex. I was just too baffled when he asked me what was wrong. It was even more amazing to me that he was serious and really didn't understand. I figured I'd help him out as best I could by elucidating him, somewhat. This sort of conversation can get down right dirty if it's not handled with the tender care of a loving tongue, in which I really don't have, but thought tact was due here so I used some of that fake ass shit. I explained to this man that I just didn't feel comfortable with having 'sex' during such stressful times. I had a check that was late, despite the fact that I'd already written the bill check out and submitted it. I had major, mega car problems and was threatened with loosing one of my main sources of income. Plus I had very little food since I'd spent most of my more recent checks on fixing the car in order to get to work. I was in quite a bind, but however, satisfied that at least my rent and a few major bills were paid. Now, here he comes along and wants to have sex since I'm now his woman. Ok, fine. No problem since I love sex too. Well, of course we should be married in the first place, but dang, give me some time here. It was February 13th that this man asked me to be his lady. He went to work that very evening, came back at the scheduled time second shifters get off and it was Valentine's Day eve. He didn't bring flowers and candy, no rose, no card. He just brought his dick that was hard. NO ROMANCE NOR ANY FINANCE EITHER! SEE THE PROBLEM? Now, don't get me wrong here, cause I'm not superficial or anything, but as a man, aren't you supposed to bring something in order to get something? Or, was he simply stating to me his regard for women and giving me my warning signs very early in this lover's game? |
| My goodness! This man has asked me, practically begged me to be his woman. Against my better judgment and his jail and street record, I agreed. It's not that I was desperate for love, or a man either. It's just that I figured things would be all good since we've known each other for so long. Ok, we did up a few times. Yeah, yeah. Gave up the goodies. Since this was a relationship that really is 'taboo' I don't think I could really get into sex with him. I figured things would calm down, I'd relax and we'd really get down. HA! The problem? He claims to be a man. I've been single for quite a while. In lots of ways, that's good but there are the negatives to deal with; I'm used to doing things my way, when I want, how and how long. The down side was/is the limited conversation, single finances, and sex. Well, of course, there are options and I indeed excercised them all too well. The conversations were met via socializing, chit-chats, conversations w/girlfriends...well, the sex part kinda speaks for itself, right? Lot's of late night phone chats w/friends or men I'd meet. Financially, I managed. There were lots of times that I went w/o just for the kid's sake, or even worse; did things that I could possibly regret one day (not right now though) Toys and imagination goes a long way, just in case you hadn't figured out how sex was improvised. Ok, back to my new lover. He came to me with manly converstations. Delighted me with all the things he like about me and what he has to bring to this already established household and table. Fine, right? Hell nawl! This fucker has yet to produce any of the things he claims he can or will. The only problem is, he thinks that he deserves to be sexually delighted, cooked for, soothed, clothes washed, massaged...you know, all the things a real man deserves. How fucking funny he is. The other day he wanted sex. I was just too baffled when he asked me what was wrong. It was even more amazing to me that he was serious and really didn't understand. I figured I'd help him out as best I could by elucidating him, somewhat. This sort of conversation can get down right dirty if it's not handled with the tender care of a loving tongue, in which I really don't have, but thought tact was due here so I used some of that fake ass shit. I explained to this man that I just didn't feel comfortable with having 'sex' during such stressful times. I had a check that was late, despite the fact that I'd already written the bill check out and submitted it. I had major, mega car problems and was threatened with loosing one of my main sources of income. Plus I had very little food since I'd spent most of my more recent checks on fixing the car in order to get to work. I was in quite a bind, but however, satisfied that at least my rent and a few major bills were paid. Now, here he comes along and wants to have sex since I'm now his woman. Ok, fine. No problem since I love sex too. Well, of course we should be married in the first place, but dang, give me some time here. It was February 13th that this man asked me to be his lady. He went to work that very evening, came back at the scheduled time second shifters get off and it was Valentine's Day eve. He didn't bring flowers and candy, no rose, no card. He just brought his dick that was hard. NO ROMANCE NOR ANY FINANCE EITHER! SEE THE PROBLEM? Now, don't get me wrong here, cause I'm not superficial or anything, but as a man, aren't you supposed to bring something in order to get something? Or, was he simply stating to me his regard for women and giving me my warning signs very early in this lover's game? |
| My goodness. It sure has been quite a while since the last time I've been someone's woman, actively anyhow. Many have claimed me but they were dillusional. LOL. One February 13th, 05, a man that has been puruing me for quite a while just flat out asked if I'd be his lady. It was kinda cute and so is he, along with a few other likable qualities, so I said, "Yes." Although my answer was positive, my skeptism said, "You nut case. Check him out first, at least for a longer trial period." Well, I'd been putting getting into a relationship off for quite some time. Mainly because the ideal man never came with that term, phrase, finess, or charm that was worth looking at double. So, then I had to revisit my own methods and self. "What am I doing wrong? Am I worthy of the type of man that I'm waiting for?" The answer to that is more complicated than I can to delve into but I will have to give these questions I've imposed upon myself some true evaluation: 1. What am I doing wrong? "Nothing, says I with a cocky attitude and a hint of guilt for lying to myself, in front of myself. |
| Hmmm. My 'Taboo' is supposed to be coming over. My heart is not really there, yet, but he has such potential. I wonder if he's worth it. He's called my taboo because he's one of my best friend's sons. Although we are only ten years apart, he's still her son. I've never told her about my feelings or his for me, yet. I really don't know how to do it either. Do I just say to her one day, "By the way, I'm having an affair with your son. Do you give us your blessing?" Or, do I continue to hide what I haven't figured out anyway? |
| I guess I can call this a 'grand' day since I my 'grandbaby' is here with me. It's only been a week since the last time she was here but she has changed so much. I've missed her so much too. Actually, I missed her the moment she left my arms into her mother's arms. After my daughter, my last of two children, was born, I didn't want to love no one else that much. Here I am again...back in love and deeply so. I especially like when my two month old grandbaby smiles. She brightens my heart. Her little gums glow and her eyes twinkle when they meet mine. I understand. I probably used to do the same when my beloved grandmother looked into my eyes and spoke baby lango to me. God, how I miss that wonderful lady. She loved me so. Well, all I can do is pass that same love on to my grandbaby girl. Isn't love just grand and contageous? I think I'll spread even more. God wants me to anyway. Good night and I love you! |
| Hmmm, something is very wrong with that title. Gotta work on that, immediately. Thurdays, Feb. 3rd, 2005 just passed. I went to my Mirco-Economics class. Yippy, huh? Well, sorta. My dizzy/dinky ass scratched the homework out the instructor said that we don't have to do, but didn't replace it with the assignment. So, I sat there and listened to all of the boring 'micro-eco' shit those people believed was worthy of our attention. That's all good. My project probably wont be of great interest to them either since I will introduce the concept of America's micro-eco system from my perspective as a black woman. See, PBS is on to something. They have seen the light and will be presenting it on Feb. 9th, The Making of America. I'm going to do a spin off of that, of course with the proper references like a good college of business management/information technology woman is supposed to do. I wonder how those folk that talked about the rain forest as they pertain to our economic system will handle that. I'll make sure to look at their faces as I introduce the intricate details that most people with narrow minds/ignorant of reality do. Will they embrace my true concept of supply and demand as I speak of how America was founded on the slavery trade? Will they reject the concept, or will they reject me? I'll have to revisit this particular topic next Thursday after the class. Tune in! |
| Today. Hmmm, since it's five-fortyfive in the fricking evening, I guess it's safe to say, tomorrow, especially since the rest of this day will be uneventful, I guess. That's a darned shame too. Especially after last night's enlightment that life goes on whether one is ill or dead or not. Well, that's a good thing but damned. Anyhow, let me stick to my subject which is my title for this entry, 111 Views. I have, as you can see, 111 views but only one rating. Could that be because I'm not writing good enough or about anything of interest. I try to keep it real but maybe the public viewers don't want real or 'my' particular real. Maybe I'm doing something wrong, again???? Hmmm. Noooo, not again! I guess the entry title should be 'Wrong, Again.' Who gives a damned? ME! I do. I love writing. I think it's my calling, my passion but if I'm not marketable, then maybe it's time to look into not quitting my day job. Hell, I dont even have a day job to quit! What am I talking about? Well, maybe I should do something with my life worthy of writing about outside of what I'm feeling. Maybe? But, that's all I have, for now. Can the job goddess appear now? Maybe the muse that keeps one writing top notch publishable pieces that hit the charts? Somebody, somewhere, help! Show me. God, I know that it's been said that you are the Almighty. Is this subject to trivial to ask your help on? |
Today is just an ordinary day. Not much work to do. I really need to find another part-time job but I'm afraid of what can happen but that's another story; Part 2 Agony. The agony on the menu today is loneliness. I went to bed lonely and woke up the same way. I watched Brown Sugar starring Sinaa Lathan, Queen Latifah and Taye Diggs til about 5 this morning. I'd seen the movie several times prior but it was something about it this morning that made me sad. I watched as the Sinaa played her role as the patient lover awaiting her turn for love with hints of jealousy. I watched as she impatiently tried to go on with her love life with someone she really didn't love. I've been there and done that many times before. I guess that's what's got me in this lonely lurch. I wasted too much time with men I really didn't love instead of waiting for the one that really loved me and I loved back. Now, I sit here wondering what it would be like to have all of this idle time with a lover. I imagine the things we could be doing. Not just the sex, but the conversation, the intimacy, the argument or just simply knowing he's in the house easily accessed. Maybe it was never meant to be since I've never had it like that. Maybe God has a different plan for me. I've always managed to love men that were emotionally disturbed and unwilling to seek His help in curing those issue but instead took them out on me. Maybe God sends them to me for healing? I don't know what I'm talking about here. Just rambling cause what I'd really like to be doing is not feasible. Sugaree, just one more su-ga-ree time, again... ~~Image #4000 Sharing Restricted~~   ** Image ID #770126 Unavailable ** ** Image ID #792716 Unavailable ** |
| Well, I made it home from class this evening. A sick feeling came over me as I chit-chatted with a young woman as we waited for the accelerated business/info-technology class to began. The class started an hour late. Of course, with my kind of luck, it would start late when I came an hour early. That was fine though. I used the computers in the ajoining class to do some catching up on my writing and editing. Just as I was getting into it, the young woman that I will call, Tina, came in there. She had this pretentiousness about herself (granted that's how you spell that). It was cool though. No one really shows who they are to strangers anyhow. Although, we'd worked on a project together in the prior class. Somehow, she became real comfy with me and began to discuss her family business. She has small children that she seems to love a lot and take great pride in doing motherly things with and to them. It wasn't until she started discussing her divorce that ill feeling came over me. She stated that she had gone thru so much with her husband and now it was time to let go before she's too old. My sickness came in there because although I knew my own marriage was over when it started, I wasted my precious time and sanity trying to repair the damages that were obviously irreversible. Here I sat listening to someone that had more common sense than I. Someone that has a chance to live her life without the head ache and heart aches...to achieve goals and pursue thoughts and ideas to make life a bit better for her family, with or without the man. I became even sicker as she discussed all of the motherly things that she does for her children. I was that young woman at one point. I was always on point when it came to my children and their education, domestic location, their well-being period. The reason I was so sick about it is because I know that they may never appreciate the struggle of a single woman. My son is in college now. Just this past November, my ex-husband died, his father. My son has always had issues with authority, especially mine. I never knew that he'd take it to this extreme, especially since I raised him single-handedly, even financially. I thought he'd appreciate that. Not that I wanted him to hate or dislike his father. I just thought he'd love me more for being the one that stuck it out..never abandoning and loving him the way I did, despite all that I was faced with. Tina continued to discuss her children. I let my heart pace settle and continued to listen. Maybe her children wont view her as the villain. Maybe she'll get her props as the parent that stayed. |
| Yesterday I was on some health kick. Really, it's a spin off of what my doctor told me last year about my health. He was suspicious that I may have diabeties. After some extensive monitoring and tests, the conclusion is that I'm pre-diabetic. After hearing that news I realized that it was time for some major changes. I realized that it was going to take some major retraining of my own mind in order to even phathom a healthier diet. I realized that it was going to take me changing my outlook on life period. Since I'd been suicidal at one point in my life, just existing was good enough for me. As times changed and my mind healed more with it, I realized that life's not so bad after all. The problem is how much I've abused my body just getting to this new way of thinking. I've drank alcohol, smoked packs of cigarettes and ate food that certainly is not conducive to good health for years. I know that the drinking was to help with the pains of my past. Almost every night I knew there was a movie like nightmare waiting on me the moment I closed my eyes. My remedy for that was to drink until I passed out. Any smoker can attest to the fact that when you drink, you tend to smoke more. Of course, all of the reasons I've mentioned sound like excuses and surely, they may very well be. I can't dwell on those right now though. I'm going to win this battle. I'm here to learn how to retrain my mind with healthier ways of dwelling. The 'to do' list I've come up with entails many gut-wrenching activities but if I don't do it, who will. The funeral directors? Well, that's not an option here. They just seem a bit too final to me. |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
