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DISCLAIMER
I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.
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INTRODUCTION
Hello Flying Fox ,
First, let me just say thank you for your formal review request for your item "Foxvalley Chapter 2 & Chapter 3 re-edit" . I'm so glad to see that you're still working on this story and I'm honored that you remembered me and came to me for feedback.
So, let's dive right in.
WHAT I LIKED:
One really great thing is that the story is easy to fall back into. I was a little worried when I started that it had been too long since I read chapter one since I couldn't remember a lot of the details very well, but there was enough exposition that I was able to pick it up and I wasn't completely lost. That can be a tricky balance to find, and it's important to note that I also didn't feel like anything was being over-explained.
It was just good to be reading it again.
Intrigue
As you're building up the setting and plot more, there seems to be a good sense of intrigue - which I think is exactly what you want from a mystery like this. You've really captured the vibe of something not being right, and I can already see how the case is going to have layers to it.
MY SUGGESTIONS:
Editing
There were a handful of typos scattered throughout the piece - not nearly as many as I have in most of my drafts but something to keep an eye out for in your next edit.
Funeral
For the most part your writing is descriptive without becoming redundant, but one area that could use a little bit of attention was your opening scene in chapter 2, where they're at the funeral. That should have been a really sad scene but rather than feeling that emotion for myself (or seeing Budsworth feel much of it) I felt like I was just being told over and over how sad everyone else was. You mentioned crying 7 times in the first 5 paragraphs, but cut out most of the eulogy and lost a lot of opportunities to share how deeply your protagonist's life was influenced by the deceased.
Budsworth
On that note, you asked me to touch on whether or not I am still having trouble relating to Budsworth, and I am. You asked what it is that I don't like about him, and I just want to clarify that I don't dislike him, I just can't connect to him, which is where the problem is for me.
Two things that I think could help are focusing on his thoughts and reactions a little more. I feel like I don't really know who he is, because there's a lot more time being spent describing the things around him than elaborating on him as a character. The other is that he seems very passive to me, which is something I don't really like to see in characters (with a few rare exceptions.)
A good example is when he sees the broken sign with the red paint. You have that line in there asking if it's really paint, which makes it seem ominous and mysterious for the reader, but it immediately cuts to how serene Budsworth is feeling. It's a small example, but little disconnects like that add up, and left me feeling alienated from him.
It feels like you're trying to make him more likable by having him be well-balanced and mature, but it's something that doesn't land very well for me. A lot of that might be personal preference, but I think I'd like Budsworth more if he were more troubled, or even if you showed more that he was struggling to keep his sense of composure. By this point in a mystery, I would like to have some more clues as to what would get him unhinged.
That's just something that would help me relate to him though, because fears and anxieties are very humanizing, especially for someone like me who doesn't have anything in common with the character in more identifiable aspects.
CONCLUSION:
I think the story is coming along well, and I hope that you continue to work on it. While there are still a lot of aspects that don't fall into my personal tastes, it does read similarly to the few mysteries I've read.
I'd be happy to keep reading as you write more, but I hope that you're also getting some feedback from people who are more familiar with the mystery genre. It means a lot that you continue to request reviews, but I imagine that I'm not in the demographic you'd be hoping to reach?
I hope that this was helpful and I wish you all the best in continuing Foxvalley.
Sincerely,
-Cat
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