Cool interactive. I like the title with the triple alliteration and it is a cool premise. I love femdom scenarios and you have a nice variety of characters to choose from anime, videogames and comic books. You have some good series set up for it. As an Ino fan I'm happy to see Naruto as one of the series choices. Zelda is also a nice setup. This interactive is still in the early stages where you are just beginning to build. Hopefully you get at least one good storyline going to help set the tone for the your interactive. Good luck with your writing.
Hi Jace
I am reviewing your work as part of I Write. This contest is a new one for me. It took me a little bit of time to figure out why your piece had only one sentence in it. Visiting the contest link and reading what the prompt entailed cleared it up so it was very helpful that you included a link to the contest in your entry. Finding a good hook is actually one of most challenging aspects of writing and it can take a long time just to come up with the right line to pull in the reader.
With that goal you are attempting in mind. I think that you did a really good job with your opening hook. It gives a hint of what your story will be about and a reader would want to know more after reading it. Just from those lines provided, my initial picture is that your story will deal with rough romance. The mention of Janus suggests some type of untrustworthiness while Cupid gives evokes images of love. There's also that great line that reveals the narrator made a mistake somewhere along the way. I'm curious about your writing process whether this hook was decided when you have your story fully plotted out or if it was midway though.
You may still consider tweaking it a little bit for the contest. While it makes a reader interested in your story I don't know if it has enough draw to get them excited to read it. With so much writing out there it is hard to hold a reader's interest these days. The best hooks that I love reading have a little bit of a shock value making the reader immediately want to know what happens next. With your setup sentence "It is a story old as time" you are removing the possibility that this will be something fresh from your reader's mind. This may be a little bit of a trade off as the phrase "As old as time" has a classic feel to it but its something to considering.
Great poll! It raises awareness of WritingML and has some good options for classifying how familiar people are with it. I also really liked the links provided leading to the articles on them. It is nice where other members of WDC fall on this. I also like the line given for completing the poll.
I think my Writing ML knowledge falls somewhere in below Pure Genius range. I think it is a combination of Average and Proficient where I am able to use it well but still need to look it up from time to time. I am not at the point where I can do it with my eyes closed yet.
This is a good poem with a lot of beautiful imagery. I sort of picture the feather in the movie "Forrest Gump" when reading this. How it travels and winds up going through a lot. I love the nature images that are set up in this (the sun, leaf, creek, ice and snow). It provides a great visual picture of each of the season.
Technically your Poem is developed very nicely. It has a great rhyme scheme and rhythm to it making it very easy to read through. It also opens with some great alliteration with "feather fall". Nicely written!
You have a good opening with the first two sentences mentioning how long you have lived so far increases by the day. It is a great lead in causing readers to immediately think about their
The ideas in this essay are covered very quickly so sometimes it is a challenge to follow the train of thought. I feel that it is strongest in the middle section where you share your personal experiences and history you lived through. You have a lot of great events to share.
The ending paragraph is challenging because it needs a little bit more details to successful cover directions you feel that people need to move away from and avoid making part of our history. I recommend expanding it a lot more.
Other than that I thought the essay was very thought provoking and with great topic to discuss. Thank you for sharing your history with us.
This interactive offers some intense ways to go. Usually the Vore genre sticks to humans but this story takes it up a notch introducing the fate of getting devoured by animals into the mix. At the time of this review this story was already coming along really well with close to 200 chapters set up. It gives a wide range of vore scenarios with with a lot of great location and characters it could happen with. As a GTS fan, my favorite chapters are the human devourer ones such as the opening college arc and one with Elizabeth I really appreciate the range and depth though. I think one thing that you could do to help the story develop provide some slow builds. A lot of the chapters written are very short. The characters don't need to find themselves about to be eaten immediately. You might have them start off their days normally and go about their lives before finding themselves in the unfortunate situation. There are a lot of options for how they might get like that i.e. transformation and shrinking but it is good to expand on them. In any case kudos on a good interactive!
This Poem does a great job of making me visualize Springtime. It feels vibrant with Mother nature coming to life. There is a lot of personification and metaphors in this poem. The way things are described makes me think of light and earth as lovers as well as earth / nature as a woman coming to life in the spring.
The Poem shines best with its descriptions. They really paint some vivid pictures... "Spring's seeds scattering and the firmament's aglow stand out".
In terms of wordplay this poem has some great alliteration "beguiling beauty in the second line "Light loosens his (yearly) virgin lover" leading into the second stanza. I also love some of the word choices "Verdant, firmament and slumber really make this poem pop. Great writing.
This is a very good story. It is very sweet. Like "The Call of the Wild" written by Jack London. The perspective is written from that of a Dog. In this case the dog was abandoned.
The story is written very well as we get a great insight into what the dog is thinking. He has a simpler mindset but there are enough feelings and thoughts to personify him. It makes him relatable and readers are rooting for him to be able to find a home. As a result, the sweet ending with the dog being able to find a family becomes all the more rewarding.
There is a slight correction that I would recommend. In the second sentence:
"Wondering" should be replaced with "Wandering"
Other than that...it was a really enjoyable story to read and I liked it a lot.
Self reflection is a great way to start off the year. I like the concept of writing to yourself. It a great way to organize your thoughts and analyze yourself. The letter is written very smoothly and flows well working as a tool to identify who you are and then expanding that into what personal goals that you are hoping to accomplish. Wish you the the best of luck achieving the goals listed out.
I was in New York just outside of the city when the World Trade Center was destroyed on 9/11 back in 2001. It has hard to believe that it has been over 20 years since that time. You are right in your analysis that it is very hard to completely recover from that event. I think we have healed a lot but that loss of trust is still always there. Even going to an airport, it is apparent that the security is more extreme. We have lost a lot of freedom that we just to have in an effort to improve safety.
While a lot has changed in the last 20 years, I am not sure we can trace all the current problems that are dividing us in America today to 9/11. It has been building for a very long time even before the twin towers were destroyed. There are a lot of economic and feelings of frustration around us. We seem to have lost our kindness. I always like to be optimistic and hope that things will be better in the future but it will take some work and a huge amount of growth and cooperation from everyone.
This is a very thought provoking article and essay. Thank you for writing it.
Nice Shrinking poem! It is pretty good as the narrator's reaction is unexpected. Shrinking to 4 inches seems like it would the main cause of concern for most people However the fact that the narrator feels unnoticed at normal height adds a twist and amplifies the situation. It is a profound thought. Thank you for writing and sharing.
Wow this is definitely a wild idea. As a comic book fan with atypical tastes myself, I definite appreciate stories that push characters in unexpected directions. This interactive is still in developing stage but you have some nice setups going. The best arcs added so far are the opener with Scott and Jean. You seems to have a some contributing to it as well. Hopefully this story continues to grow.
Wow I didn't know that cats could be trained like that. These are some really good set of tips. I will have to keep them in mind. From the title of the article I thought it was going to be about teaching cats to do different types of tricks like dogs but getting them to behave is much more useful. This article is very well written and clear with its advice making it easy to understand. It should prove to be really useful for pet owners attempting to raise a feline companion.
Exciting Flash story!! You really took great advantage of the story prompt. It's a very interesting twist writing from the perspective of the baby thief. I wasn't completely sure if it was a Goblin or some other type of demon / monster. Goblins are famous for doing this (i.e. in the movie Labyrinth and more recently Dr. Who) though probably others do it as well. The fact that that the creature had wings that goblins aren't made it all the more menacing. You did some great incorporation of changeling lore and mythic elements in your story with the replacement with wood and the vulnerability the creature had to Iron.
I really like the slow build (considering it is a Flash story) where it starts normally and the third sentence shifts the tone leading more and more into the fact that were are dealing with a monster. Great work!!
The is a powerful work it captures the love and loss a person has for their pet/friend. The reader definitely feels how close the narrator is to passed away subject of the poem (Jimmy) and much he is missed
I am not sure if it a fiction or non fiction. If it is autobiographical this is a great eulogy. If it fictional, it captures the loss of a best friend / long time companion really well. Thank you to the author for writing and sharing this!
You have a very nice style of writing creating distinct and relatable characters. The situation of stage fright was depicted very well and you could visualize the main character going through it in the story. Sentences like "her knees shook and her hands started to sweat" really provide readers a great description and allow them to feel the emotions with the character. It seems to fit the Show not Tell activity that this was written for very well. You do a good job of setting up the situation with high stakes with a Disney Talent Scout present in the audience.
I also like the resolution that her friend was able help the lead to overcome her stage fright by getting Lisa to relate with the character she was playing. Alice comes across as a very good friend and it was nice seeing her help support Lisa and get through the performance. There is a little bit of a parallel between the actors in the play and the characters they are portraying as Elsa and Anna also wind up needing to support each other in the Frozen.
It is a fun way to end the experience revealing that Lisa still is shown to still be affected by anxiety giving it a slight comedic beat.
There is one line in the story that I needed to re-read to clear up in my mind what was occurring: "He startled me," Lisa whispered, helping her out. - You may just want to give a couple of extra words to clarify that she was joining the teacher in picking up the scattered items. My initial thought was that Lisa was getting help for her stage fright.
Other than that it was a very good read. Thank you for writing it.
This is a nice interactive. You choose a great time period placing it between the turmoil period between episodes 3 and 4. It's a good setup and allows for the Empire to be at fun strength and classic villains such as Darth Vader and Palpatine to be able to take center stage in this. The interactive is pretty well developed with several chapters and authors contributing to it. There are a lot of familiar faces from the Star Wars universe as well as Original characters giving the readers and writers of this interactive to play with. I hope that you continue to build it.
That is a busy life you are describing having three jobs to handle. It is also a very wide range of roles. I can relate to the juggling and can understand why you would prefer to jettison one of them. This was a nice entry. It seems to follow the prompt well. Best wishes in 2024 and hope that you are able to find the balance that you would like.
I love cool test items. That is a really neat feature. That cat trinket looks very cute. If I am understanding the item correctly, if my review for this reaches 250 characters something with this trinket will happen. I am curious to see what will occur. It is very exciting like watching a countdown!!
Nice story. It feels like a lead in to comedic spy plot. It definitely had a great hook with the narrator receiving mysterious notes.
There are a couple of proof reading errors that you might want to update:
cabins air conditioner - cabin's air conditioner (Possessive)
steak-out - should be Stake out (steak is used for the food)
Was this some type of shady deal going on - should have a question mark at the end
waiters suit - should waiter's suit.
The plot of the short is really exciting as it had a mystery in it. I love the surprise ending. I can't blame the narrator for continuing to be curious. I'm left wondering “piter pypur puked a pek of pikeld peepers” was intended to mean and wanting to follow the mysterious. I feel like the premise of this story could be expanded further into a larger arc. There is definitely room to continue the story further if you wanted to and I would enjoy reading more of it but it works very well on a short of its own. Really fun writing!!
Nice poem. I like the title. Right off the bat it reviews an image. The description in this poem is really good. I love the description of her hair as Caramel with Vanilla strands. There are some great choices of works. For example using words like elf, leprechaun, fairies add magical quality to the subject of this poem.
There is a fairly smooth flow to reading this as loose rhyme a little bit of reading to it. The poem itself is great. I also really like the brief description given for the poem. It is nice to know that you took inspiration from your actual life Beautiful writing!!
Good poem. It definitely paints some powerful images. It is particular strong with the sounds depicted playing to to the readers auditory sense with the titular bells, car horns and electronic music discussed. There are some great visual queues as well describing the world as a concrete jungle, traffic and clubs. It makes the reader feel like they are a traveling through a busy city when they are reading this. I like the "Somewhere in the world" refrain.
The ending of this poem seemed to be really sweet with the bells still reflecting in the narrator's heart. It seems to show the narrator still religious connection to them as the bells were linked with the church in the beginning. It is a nice symbolic element.
There may be one slight edit that I recommend. "Deafen by car horns" seems a little awkward. It feels like the tense is off you might want to edit the word to "Deafened". Other then that... great poetry.
Very cool premise. Fairy Tail has a lot of fun characters so it is a good anime to chose to write about. Swapping is a fun concept as it is interesting to see characters take on different roles. There are a nice variety of swaps suggested to give the story some range. All of them offer some wild ideas. I like the idea of a life swap. It seems like a fresh concept that has not been done before
This interactive is just starting out so it has a lot of growing to do. I hope you continue to develop it with other authors. It seems to be developing nicely though with chapter 7 (the latest at the time I was reading this) setting up the first storyline nicely.
One quick editing recommendation:
In the title description it seems like there's a slight spelling error. -> boardm -> board
Other than that... keep up the great writing and best of luck with this story.
(Note I Re-reviewed to set it as a public sorry about the double e-mail.^_^; )
This is a good interactive. I love Yugi-oh so its a fun idea. The series has a great fantasy world. It was a smart move to divide up your story by seasons. The chapters available are also very well developed and written out. It makes the reader feel like they are part of the Yugi-oh world. I give a lot of credit to you for actively working to make your interactive grow and add a ton of additions to your story. A lot of interactive owners neglect to add to
I hope you eventually add arcs from the last season. That was the most exciting one for me when Bakura traps them in Ancient Egypt. It would make for a really exciting storyline.
One thing I strongly recommend is when adding new choices to title the chapter. Don't just leave the default continue choice as a title. It is much easier to navigate the story outline if people can see what title they are navigating to.
Anyway... really great work with this interactive and I hope it continues to develop and grow.
This is very good poem. It reminds me of the classic poem "Paradise Lost" as the subject of the poem seems to be a fallen Angel. I like the contrast between the third and last stanza of this poem. The first is all light while the last deals with shadows.
There are some really nice refrains and I like how the Angel is called to in the beginning of each stanza and there is a note on the character's current state beginning with "Oh, how..." for each Stanza ending line. There is also clear awareness of the syllable count of each line as each as they match up correctly in each stanza. It makes this poem so much smoother to read.
The verbal description is very good. You can picture the the three phases the Angel in this story goes through really well.
There appears to be a slight typo in the first line of the final Stanza. I think the word should be Stricken
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