I like this. It's personable and feels as if the narrator is talking directly to the reader.
Description is wonderful and adds so much texture to the story.
Read the first paragraph again. Wouldn't the first several sentences be ended with questions marks? Isn't the narrator asking questions here?
See what you think.
This had me a little confused. What was the truth Starman was to reveal? Most folks know that celebrities (though not all of them) tend toward drug and/or alcohol abuse, broken marriages and living with other people. I was expecting a major bombshell.
I love music. Musicians are a lot like writers. They tend to feel the world more, I think. This would also make them more descriptive. Adding
description and more depth to his story would really draw your readers in.
I like where you are going with this. At times, it is confusing to read. With more description and explanation into the character, I think this would
be a good, and really fun, piece.
This is well written! The narrator draws in your readers and hold their attention throughout. The flow is great as is the description used.
One can't help but feel for this poor guy.
I think this has some real potential. It feels rushed. I didn't feel the confusion and frustration Patrick should have been feeling.
While I would agree with there being no family or friends, with his line of work, I would think that he would be well protected.
He would know things that the general public, including hospital staff, shouldn't be privy to.
Slowly revealing his discoveries will keep readers in suspense. They will stay with this and want to know what memories slowly surface.
I would have loved to read more in-depth. Utilize descriptive words, not only for the physical but the emotional as well.
This will help your readers to connect.
There is so much emotion here to be tapped.
What most of us would give to go back in time and make changes for the better! I think this story will speak to all of your readers!
This flows well. The thoughts of Terran as well as dialogue between she and Eva show the story in a way that's personable. Frank comes
across as the jerk that he is.
This is intriguing! Poor, ordinary Fred! Of all the interesting things to happen in his life.
This flows well and is told in an engaging fashion. It drives home repeatedly that Fred is just a simple, honest guy then you hit
your readers with the twist. Nice!
Two things you might want to consider: making your font a little larger and leaving a space between paragraphs. This will
make it easier to read.
This is entertaining! I like the way the narrator wonders and ponders about the reason of the sand's direction. And I love the way
the poem ends as the sand's journey does.
It reads a little choppy in a few places to me. See what you think.
Your narrator took his new appendages with more grace than I would have!
I like the story feel of this poem. Readers can follow along with the progress of the wings and the narrator's feelings on such.
Even though the poem looks uneven it actually flows well. The words are well chosen.
I like the idea here but it feels more like an outline. There is so much more to the story and your readers will want to know the details. Who did she meet and why? Describe the setting and emotion using words that help your readers feel the story. Work with this piece. I think you'll
find that your characters have more to say.
I think we all fear this very thing at times. We worry that we aren't good enough or we don't have a purpose. The truth is, we all are worthy and
do have purpose!
In a short poem, you conveyed the feeling of being overlooked well. The words flowed nicely and were well chosen.
I can feel the love and respect when I read this. What a beautiful poem to your mom.
Comments:
In the first line, "my" should be "me."
Try to rework this without using "me" and "my" quite as much. It trips up the reader and causes them to focus more on the repetitive
words than the meaning of the poem.
No matter old I am you will look after me
*how old I am
Just a little work and this poem will shine. The sentiment is beautiful!
This is why I have dogs! I can't imagine moving so many cats without crates. The horror!
This is well written and you definitely get the point across. The description leaves your readers both sympathetic and, yes, even laughing.
I would have loved you to have drawn it out just a bit more. Add to the suspense and the suffering felt. Just a personal thought.
~Nikola
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