Hello there,
Xiea
This is a
Review!
I am also reviewing your item as a judge at "
The Bard's Hall Contest"
. Thank you for entering our October Horror Prompt.
Initial Thoughts:
This is a story about a Visual Novel whereby high school students get to join in on a horror journey and mingle with AI subjects. The curiosity hook was in the first line, "Let me tell you why you shouldn't play Wilderwoe School High."
Good way to make your reader want to read on!
Horror Pull or Drag?:
The horror part of the story drags a bit with the complications of Jim trying to find the right game-play character to mingle with and and ending up with Michelle.
Suggestions:
Bring action up front quicker. You only have 2000 words to get your story in. You want to eliminate sub-stories and characters that won't matter so far as the horror part is concerned. Give the reader some chilling build-up before the ending.
Observations:
"who I conveniently named Boyman66 in the game because
the he asked me to name him"
"Thought
though? she was
still in the screen and I was
still really scared of her, what she said
still hit me hard."
Repeating the word "still" 3 times in this one sentence,should be edited out. It makes the sentence wordy and the repeating is distracting to the reader.
"And of course, I love you because
everyever since you came into my life, I felt a kind of freedom and liberty."
Parting Thoughts:
This story has the ingredients to bloom into a fine horror story with attention paid to the above suggestions. It seems like you were in a hurry to get the story out, had the whole scenario playing out in your own mind, but it didn't translate as easily on paper because the reader needed more fleshing out of characters and plot, with a bit more horror woven into the warning of why not to play that virtual game.
It has great potential, but with several grammatical errors it makes a reader pause throughout the story, thus not a smooth read.
Conclusion:
The Prompt was followed
The rules were met
The horror lay in wait for us at the end.
Nice job!
Until next time -- Fright ON!
Regards,
WebWitch
| (4.5)
| (3.5)
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
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