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DISCLAIMER
I am not a professional editor or critic. All the opinions in the following review are just that; opinions.
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ALL ALONE :: INTRODUCTION
"From even the greatest horrors, irony is seldom absent." - H.P. Lovecraft
Hello willwilcox,
You asked me to check out your story "The Home" awhile ago, and I don't think I ever heard back from you about whether or not you wanted a public review or not, so I hope you don't mind. I really enjoyed the story, and I finally decided that a public review would be the best way to promote it while giving you my feedback. I also hope that you don't mind being my guinea pig for the horror template I've been playing with - it's fairly new and this is the first chance I've really had to use it.
So, let's get right in:
IN THE DARK :: WHAT I LIKED
"Terror is the desire to save yourself, bur horror is rooted in sympathy." -Joe Hill
Opening Line:
One of my absolute favorite aspects of the story was your opening line:
People die hard.
^^ This was a short sentence that did not leave itself open for debate. The fact that it makes up the entirety of your opening paragraph makes it seem all the more of a definite statement, and I think that makes it an incredibly engaging and strong opening. Backing up this claim in your second paragraph continues to build on the mood that you've set for the story, helps the readers to understand the character while easing us into the tale.
Winston's Introduction:
I will spare you the little rant about my conflicting feelings about dogs in horror fiction - and skip ahead to the part where I tell you that I think you did a wonderful job writing him in. Discussing how his wide talked him into getting a dog in the first place after establishing that he doesn't seem to be much of a dog person says a lot about their relationship and how deep his feelings were for her. He'd already said that, but this really showed it in my opinion.
Furthermore, I think it says a lot about Rose's character that she named her beloved pet after the cigarettes that caused her to get sick - it was a small detail that made her seem all the more real, as well as more interesting. It's always difficult to make a character seem so engaging when they've already passed before the story starts, and little details like this go an incredibly long way.
Tone/Style:
This is more of a general observation, but I have to say that I really like the voice in which the story is narrated. Lots of hard truths and a very brutal outlook on life. It's a refreshing sort of honesty, and again, it made me really appreciate your protagonist all the more.
There was one section in particular (aside from the intro) that I thought really illustrated this.
Excerpt ▼
In bitter retrospect, I realized that this is where we all come to die. There's nothing for it. Where else can old-timers go when the hospitals kick them out so early? Back home? Not likely. Who would take care of them, change their diapers every day?
The answer is, no one.
No one wants that burden. Your mom can change your diapers when you’re young, but it's a whole different story when it comes time to change hers.
And that's the truth of it.
Sorry for the length of the excerpt, but as a section I thought it just really captured the aspect of the writing style that I appreciated so much.
Concept:
This was something that I quite enjoyed, an idea that was quite chilling. The isolation of old age, or really any kind of social isolation, brings on a fear of its own. Being abandoned in life is just as scary as being abandoned in death, because it's not a matter of finding someone to help or getting somewhere safe - it's being put somewhere full of people and knowing that none of them will help. In a way I think that's a lot more terrifying, and it's nice to read a story that harnesses that particular fear.
End:
I'm going to go ahead and put this under a drop note to avoid spoilers:
Excerpt: ▼
People die hard.
The myth about folks just closing their eyes and falling asleep is really nothing more than that . . . a myth. Death is more like a dramatic wrenching and tearing away of the soul--an out-and-out battle to stay alive. People die hard because they don’t want to die. They fight for every breath, every minute . . . every second.
Considering how much I liked the opening line, I'm sure it makes sense that I appreciate how you cycled back around to this. Cyclical horror is some of my favorite, and you've done an excellent job with it here. I was not expecting it to come back around to this and found myself quite pleasantly surprised by the conclusion to this. Those few lines in particular were satisfying.
SOUND OF SCREAMING :: MY SUGGESTIONS:
"Horror is the removal of masks." - Robert Bloch
Extending the Story
This is something that just comes down to personal preferences. This is a great piece - and I'm clearly not the only one to think so as it's been rated very highly. The only suggestion that I have for it would be to make it longer. I have always preferred longer stories - and even though I have spent this last year learning all about the wonders of concise horror fiction, I am still a big believer in stories with slow build up and lots of detail if the concept supports it, and I think this one does.
In your exposition you have so much rich character history, and the transition into Mercy House is slow enough, that I think there is a fantastic foundation if you wanted to slow the end down a bit and build up the paranormal aspect a bit more. This piece has amazing potential for an element of psychological horror.
Of course, just because something could be longer, doesn't mean that it could be better. Although I liked Bob and Rose enough that I would happily read a story twice this length with them, a lot of people are not as accepting of really long horror stories. Just know that some of your audience (even if it's just me) would definitely be interested in more.
WAKING FROM A NIGHTMARE :: CONCLUSION
"We make up horrors to help us deal with the real ones." - Stephen King
In conclusion, I thought the story was great. Though I personally would have liked it to be a bit longer toward the end so I could see more of your characters, I think that's just a testament to how well developed they were and your skill as a writer.
Thank you so much for asking me to take a look at this - it has been one of the best reads I've found on here and I really enjoyed it. I will never forget you gave me my first review on this site, or how much I appreciated it, and I'm always more than happy to repay the favor. I have another one of your stories I've been meaning to review, so you can expect to be hearing from me again soon. I'm looking forward to reading it.
All the best,
-Cat
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