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1,413 Public Reviews Given
1,424 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I provide a detailed review that focuses on flow, storyline, characters and how the story touched me emotionally. I do not focus on grammer or provide extensive line by line edits on longer pieces.
I'm good at...
Character development, emotional content, dialogue, plot.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Dark, Action/Adventure, Thrillers, paranormal.
Least Favorite Genres
Vampire, werewolves, stories based on video games, fan-fiction.
Favorite Item Types
Fiction short stories or chapters.
Least Favorite Item Types
Essays
I will not review...
Erotica or really graphic 'slasher' type horror.
Public Reviews
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Excellent tittle and descriptive line for this story! I really enjoyed how you used dialogue to tell and move this story foreward, it works very well to fill in background and put your readers right there with the characters in that subway. Both Elijah and Will are very easy to visualize and I could easily picture Will as a friend or neighbor. Elijah was also an extremely believable character whom you portrayed without an ounce of put-down or dis-favour, a most refreshing change there! Your plot and story-line appear well thought out, which creates a very compelling read. I do have a few minor suggestions, mainly on spelling, that I felt would help this story, please use or disregard any suggestion as you see fit...
Paragraph Four, Line One; 'shuttered' should be 'shuddered'
Paragraph Eight, Line Three; he decided was best..' [ insert 'it' between he and decided]
Paragraph Nine, Line Five; 'interest' should be 'interested'
Paragraph Nine ' flicked his yes.. [ yes should be eyes ]
One last note on your closing sentence, I found it a let-down and quite jarring in comparison to the context of the rest of the story, which was really very up-beat.
You might want to change the last line simply to one of Elijah having warm feelings over the universe NOT being ended yet, or perhaps his hope to see Will at the taco shop on another day? [ just a thought]

A story well worth reading, I'll definately be spending more time in this Author's portfolio!
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Review of Let Go  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Lilith. I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest.Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION, ETC; Good tittle!Short and catchy. I liked your descriptive line, it made me want to read your story.

CONTENTS; Your story has an interesting theme and a good message that, 'doing what's best isn't always simple.' I felt you had a very promising start to a truly dramatic story but that it could use a little expanding and editing to make it as strong and compelling as I believe you intended it to be. For example, I think a little more detail on Alyssa would help readers connect with her on a deeper level - one needs to have a firm connection to care about a characters fate. You give some excellent details and imagery, but it feels you are only scratching the surface of her emotional turmoil.

Characters, Dialogue: Alyssa is a strong character, but I felt that stronger emotional detail would bring this out in her. Perhaps her eyes look red and swollen, or she's shredding a tissue into bits [ shows deep inner turmoil]
You could also add in some inner dialogue to break up the long narrative. Example, the chapter where the various thoughts are going through her mind could be written as an inner argument with herself to create tension and drama, perhaps another passenger might speak to her...

IMAGERY; EMOTION; The imagery you have is quite good, but I think you could add to it to heighten the readers emotional investment to keep reading. Example from Paragraph Two-
She hadn't always looked like this, with her long, dark hair hanging loose, limp, oily from lack of shampoo. Dark smudges lay like etched shadows under her swollen red eyes. Gone was thier carefree sparkle, instead they stared back at her in accusation, dim, washed-out green orbs of pain and sorrow....' [ I'm certain you could do better than I with this scene, but you get an idea of my meaning anyhow.] I'd make her feelings a seperate paragraph told through inner dialogue and narrative of memories of her relationship and why she's running away. A hint at her age might be good.


SUGGESTIONS; I noted a few spelling typos, here are the ones I found;
Paragraph One, Line One; comma needed between 'window' 'and'.
the sun shined 'shone'
Paragraph Three, Line five; use semi-colon after 'wide grin' comma after teeth. End sentence after 'eyes. New sentence;' His hair was dark brown.'
Paragraph Four; 'It was fading...' 'It faded more with each mile she put between herself and her old life.'
Paragraph Five, Line Three; ' spin' 'spine'

OVERALL THOUGHTS; I enjoyed the concept and conflict of this story, if you decide to edit it or expand it, let me know, I'd be happy to re-read and change my rating.
Keep Writing!

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)

I felt that with a little polishing and editing, this would be a very nice fantasy story. I did find it confusing that one remembered them being 'girls' together, what experiment? Could you make this part clearer, maybe expand it to note in more detail if an experiment had made them animals? I also found the idea of animals believing in vampires, etc. to be a bit unbeilavable, which threw me out of the story. I would suggest a strong edit for partially spelled words, particularly 'it', you have a number of these errors throughout your piece, easily fixed by a read and polish. Here are a couple of things I noted;
Descriptive line: 'is' should be are or become.
Paragraph One, Line three; 'and forced them'.. might read smoother as ' which forced them' or ' forcing them'
Line Four; comma needed after 'over' and spelling; ' up i' [ up in' ]
Paragraph Two, dry, little real feeling- try re-writing it from Eleyana's point of view including her feelings. [ you might want to do this throughout your story]
A very promising start to an interesting fantasy tale.

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279
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

A cute, entertaining story that was fun to read. I enjoyed following along with all the comparisons to different fairy tale princesses because it leads to interesting information on this author's true life. I liked the honesty and reflective thought throughout this piece. The story kept to a nice easy flow that made it easy to follow along with the author's thoughts. My only suggestion for improvement would be;
Paragraph One, Line fifteen; I think you meant to type;' WHEN others..' in this line.

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)

A sweet and enchanting story about a little boy's love for his mom. I found it so easy to visualize the family all snuggled together and the little boy slipping off to check out the beloved tulip plant. I could hear his little feet swishing over the carpet and hearthe seriousness in his tone. I felt this story was well planned, it flowed so smoothly that I was captivated throughout the piece. You gotso many important background details included in this short piece that really made it shine, no wasted words. *Thumbsup*
I saw no grammatical or spelling errors and felt the piece to be truly polished.

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)

An interesting and informative article! I particularly liked the tips on creating business cards to hand out and the one for ebay and other auction sites - that one Inever would have thought of! Excellent points were given on the value of inviting family and friends, I hadn't really thought about how many people that would include who weren't related to me. I also enjoyed the easy, comfortable toneof this aricle because it was like two writers sitting down over coffee trading ideas. Points are well made and easy to understand, directions are given in a manner anyone can easily absorb and benefit from. A very helpful and well presented piece on marketing one's work through networking.

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
The first two lines carry so much impact and tell so much in so little space. Yet, as the story carries on, I realized my feelings on reading that part were off... yes, it was powerful, yes, it was heartbreaking - BUT - The power there comes later, in the beauty of the soul we will discover by the things she's learned and the woman she has become. You have inspired me with this piece, for I have yet to learn a number of what you've learned already. Your story will make me work harder to achieve this knowledge and to overcome my own pain. You have seeded this story with knowledge, with hope and with the facts that a disability can enrich a life as much as it can change it. It is an important lesson - may all who read this be as inspired as I have been.

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Sweetness is the word that first came to mind as I read this piece! Next, the knowledge of the truth behind the wonderful imagery and imagination behind this piece. It took me back to when I first joined WDC and a wonderful person and writer named Paul, took my hand and taught me my way around WDC! Much like Sophy, he was happy to show newbies the ropes on getting started. My favorite part of this had to be the 'Art Auction', so easy to visualize. There is much useful information hidden within this piece and I hope many of all case colorswill read it, to learn, to remember and mostly, to enjoy!

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
First, congradulations on having this poem featured on Kraft's website! I loved the rythm and flow of this piece, not one word felt out of sync in this. The imagery was excellent and not overdone. I also liked the description of various uses and amounts to be used in the verses, you've got an incredible amount of information and description sprinkled throughout the piece, and I couldn't find one thing to suggest improving. My favorite part was learning that 'The Men Down Under' song was about sandwiches made of this spread! I had no idea and it's long been one of my favorite songs. A wonderful, fun-filled poem many people will love!

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)

I enjoyed both the humour and vivid imagery in this story. I could visualize the scene perfectly! It rather reminded me of my son at five and his insistence of loving dill pickles, that screwed up little face and tight shut eyes told a different story! Much like Daizy's nose versus tastebuds! I have never laughed so hard as while reading this story. I saw no spelling or grammer errors, I would suggest an edit for commas, etc. but theis does not detract from this story as it is. An excellent read that I hope many will read to brighten thier day.

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Review of The Visitor  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Marc, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest.Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION, ETC; Excellent tittle that fits the story well. Your descriptive line is engaging and promotes reader curiosity well.

CONTENTS; I really liked the hidden messages in this story about who the main characters truly were to each other! You handled thier stories very well to keep readers involved and guessing. Backstory, location and engaging storyline combine to make this an interesting and emotional read about the importance of being loved unconditionally.

Characters, Dialogue: Both your main characters were well thought out and portrayed. I felt such empathy for both of them and could easily visualize them as being friends and neighbors of mine. The man's inner dialogue as he figured things out was skillfully done and created an instant emotional connection for readers to both characters.

IMAGERY; EMOTION; Imagery is clear, concise and puts the reader right into the story as though they were in the room. I felt sympathy, sadness, hope and happiness as I read right along with the characters.

SUGGESTIONS; I only have a few mechanical suggestions for improving punctuation, and a couple of mis-spelled words that I felt were probably typos.
Paragraph Two, Line two; 'came to know' try 'he'd come to know' to hold your tense, example - you use, 'his room, etc. [ present tense throughout]
Paragraph Two, Line Four; jetted 'jutted' not jetted
Paragraph Six, Line One; comma after 'this'
Paragraph eight, line two; 'Many concerned'This sentence beginning makes no sense - concerned, I think you meant 'considered', not sure about 'Many'?
Line Six; 'if' should be 'it' and comma needed after 'side'
Paragraph Sixteen, Line One: period after 'him' New sentence begins with 'One'

OVERALL THOUGHTS; A moving and memorable story of a young man who fights to regain his life and memories and of the wonderful young woman who helps him find the courage to do so.
Thank you for sharing such a heartwarming story and I hope you'll write many more stories we may share!

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Review of Before 8 November  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

A beautiful, memorable poem that reads like music! It was so easy to relate to the feelings in this piece. Imagery is strong and vivid and takes readers on a journey back in time as well as along with the couple through courtship and honeymoon. I am not strong in correct poetry forms, but I do know what strikes an emotional chord in my heart, this is certainly one! The last verse was my favorite because of it's mystical overtones and deep emotion.

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)

I enjoyed the general flow of this poem, it's rythm is smooth and almost 'toe-tapping' as it tells it's story. I did note a couple lines I felt could benefit from a small edit and polish to maintain the pieces overall rythm and flow. Line two; the word 'whatever' feels harsh and a little out of sync with the balance of the poem. Line Six- 'bottom' destroys the rhyming end of each two lines, maybe try 'tush' instead of 'bottom'? Line eight is a bit awkward as well - sheep and lamb, though cute, read a little off - how about 'golden fleece' or 'golden ring'? The rest of the poem has a natural, easy balance to it and I have no suggestions for improvement there. I did enjoy the humour and the very apt twist at the end. Very nice job on imagery - it was strong and easy to visualize.

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Review of Imagine  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, I am giving you this review as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy and the Rockin' PDG Gifting Station.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. With that said, here is my review;

TITTLE: DESCRIPTION: Excellent tittle, short and creates immediate curiosity. Description is perfect for this piece and incites reader interest without giving away the story. *Thumbsup*

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: A wonderfully, touching story about someone feeling lonely and left out on Christmas who recieves a gift offriendship and acceptance that changes his life perceptions. I liked the underlying message that the smallest gesture of kindness can change a person's entire outlook on life and themself.

CHARACTERS DEVELOPMENT: Your main character is well-rounded, believable and very easy to relate to. Who he is came as a very pleasant surprise! The secondary character of the little girl was also well thought out and presented. You captured her perfectly and I found her very easy to visualize.

PLOT: Your plot is told from a unique and interesting perspective that I feel readers of all ages will enjoy.

DIALOGUE: Internal dialogue of the main character is handled in an entertaining, very plausible way. It creates atmosphere while moving the story ever foreward.
The dialogue of the young girl is warm, open and well rounded.

CONTENTS,[Flow,Clarity]: The story flows naturally to it's conclusion. I noted no bumps that that threw me out of the story or lessened my interest. It was well thought-out and very nicely executed for maximum reader enjoyment.

EMOTION:IMAGERY: Imagery was strong and I enjoyed the contrating elements between reality and wishes. I felt the main character's isolation, longing and joy as I read. Emotionally, the feelings in this story put the reader straight into your main character's head so readers feel the events are happening to them.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS: I don't really have any suggestions for improvement, but here are a couple of things I noted while reading.
Paragraph One; a comma is needed between 'loneliness' 'that'.
Paragraph Seven: ' spell' I felt you meant as 'smell' or perhaps a different word?
"Hello, Mister Frosty," she says, rather cordially. [ missed comma]

FINAL THOUGHTS: A lovely, egnimatic tale of desire, need, friendship and acceptance set at a most miraculous time of year. I gave this a five star rating because I can offer no suggestions for improvement, the few suggestions above do nothing to detract from the quality of this writing.

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Review of Dreamer  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, I am giving you this review as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy and the Paper Doll Gang.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. With that said, here is my review;

TITTLE: DESCRIPTION: Excellent tittle that fits your piece well, particularly in the opening sections. I'd suggest re-writing your descriptive line to give readers an idea of the storyline. You'll likely recieve more reviews that way. Create reader interest.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: An interesting concept in this story. I liked the theme of 'seeing the world's degeneration from childhood.' Dreams can be powerful messages from the subconcious, you do a good job showing this talent.

CHARACTERS DEVELOPMENT: I did get a good sense of your main character's confusion over her dreams and life path, but I couldn't really get a true emotional connection to her. She seems elusive, just out of reach of the readers perception because although you make references to her social standing, her status in life is unclear. Is her family actually upper-class or just trying to seem so? How does she feel about her status?
I would also have enjoyed seeing Henry Price brought into the story more, his trials at the end would carry more weight if we knew him better; is he kind, good-looking, why does she love him?

PLOT: A unique and interesting plot about dreams leading to an actual event. However, I did feel the plot needed a little more development because the reader is caught up in these recurring dreams in the beginning, but they are not mentioned at all midway through where she meets the strange man and particularly when she arrives at Henry's bedside. Wouldn't she be reminded of the dreams? What exactly was happening to Henry?

DIALOGUE: Your dialogue between characters is good, realistic and believable within the context of the story.It shows readers actions and moves the story foreward. I would like to see the longer narrative pieces mixed with more dialogue, particularly in her interactions with her Mother as I feel this would help the flow and clarity of the piece immensely. The section of the dinner cooking but she cannot bother the cooks would be a good example of this thought. Another would be where they are driving to Henry's, concern and anxiety could be worked into dialogue here.

CONTENTS,[Flow,Clarity]: There is a good flow to your story in that events follow each other in a concise, believable fashion that holds reader interest very well, however I did feel your ending paragraphs could be expanded to show what's happening to Henry and tie in the dreams from your opening for maximum drama and effect. The dreams are basic to your storyline, remind the reader of them. Show us how eerie this event really is. You have a wonderful way of creating atmosphere in this story, use it to full advantage!

EMOTION:IMAGERY: I loved the vivid imagery of the 'monsters' in your opening! I felt horror, curiosity and a sense of foreboding.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS: Here are some suggestions I noted while reading;
Opening Paragraph:
comma needed after'beasts'
' that would attack' [ use 'attacked' - less passive]
use a colon after'creatures'
'and as they' - substitute 'although' [ comma after 'although or they]
space needed between them and the dash.
'acted as though they were starving' try ' like' and 'starved'
use the semi-colon after 'hunted', delete 'and' use a comma only after 'them'
'would wake up' try 'awoke from'
You have a number of similar areas throughout the following paragraphs where shorter, less passive verbs would carry more impact, very similar to the areas in paragraph one as demonstrated above. A good, strong edit will easily fix these spots. I'd suggest using the word 'and' less, try creating a few more single sentences to quicken pace and increase drama/conflict for readers.
You also have quite a few missed commas, particularly in your dialogue section.
I have a lovely green dress' - I put on a lovely green dress - works better here.
Goodmorning - Good morning


FINAL THOUGHTS: I really felt this story could be very memorable with an edit and some polishing. One thing I'd truly like to see is a short description of Henry and what's happened to him at the end, as well as the dreams tied back into the story ending, one sentence as she passes out would be sufficent. Although your ending line is very good, it left me feeling just slightly cheated that readers don't find out the end results, did Henry die? What happened to the girl afterwards, did Dr.Price say something to cause her to keep quiet later?
A thouroughly interesting story that I would enjoy reading again after it's final polish.

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)

An interesting and highly descriptive poem about a fictional character, interestingly enough, I felt a sense of a metaphor about ruined lives undernath the repeated lines of ruined make-up. I liked the overall flow of this poem, however, I did feel that verse three read a little out of sync with the poem's overall flow, I'm not certain quite what to suggest to help this, perhaps it's simply my perspective. Your ending was very good. Overall, a fun and enjoyable read.

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Review of A Time and Place  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, I am giving you this review as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. With that said, here is my review;

Tittle, Description, Rating: An interesting tittle I feel fits this piece very well. Your descriptive line is interesting, however, I did note that you mis-spelled the word 'rather' in it.

CHARACTERS: I liked your main character, he was quite easy to visualize and I felt very sympathetic towards him. I did feel your female charactercould use a little fleshing out so the reader connects to her as well because it's important to understand what makes her so special to him that he fell so deeply for her so fast. It's rather integral to the story and I felt it would provide more impact throughout. I also would have enjoyed seeing a little more reaction from him when he finds out what he's become.

Dialogue: Your dialogue is believable and does help move the story forward.

PLOT: I enjoyed the plot and storyline of this piece, a very unique take with a nice twist at the end.

Contents,[Flow,Clarity]: The flow and clarity in this story are generally quite good, however there were a couple of places I felt a transition sentence or paragraph might add greater depth and impact for readers. For example, a transition phrase about ' returning to his thoughts', would be helpful after Rose pours his scotch, I thought at first he was talking about her, it's rather confusing because the reader is never quite sure he's not.
I felt there should be a short paragraph or two after she tells him he's become a vampire to help fill out the story, I felt a bit cheated there, because it seems there is a large, important chunk of his life missing here, the part that made her loss so devastating.

Emotion, Imagery: There is a strong feeling of both loss and regret running throughout this piece. Your imagery is quite good in the bar scene.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS: I did note a number of missing punctuation and skipped words throughout this story, I think it's mainly just typos from typing too quickly.
Opening Line; I thought, but didn't say. [ missed the comma after 'thought'
Paragraph Three, line One; commas needed after 'pub' 'bar' 'box' attraction needs an 's' on the end.
Paragraph Four; comma needed after 'Rose'
Paragraph Five; comma needed after 'pull' 'slightly' 'wisely'
'placing' should be 'placed' Try writing that linelike this;
' She shrugged wisely, placed the scotch back on it's shelf, and moved off.'
Transition line required after that line unless Rose is the girl he lost, even if she is, it would flow better if this was clarified.
Paragraph seven, line two; comma needed after 'talking'
Paragraph seven; comma needed after 'momment'
Paragraph eight; comma needed after 'others' [ I'd also suggest inserting ' end of the night' into the middle of the sentence rather than the end.]
comma needed after 'hours'
Paragraph Nine; comma needed after first 'slow'
Paragraph ten; comma after 'twice'
Paragraph eleven; comma after 'one'
You have quite a few similar areas throughout the remainder of your story that you might want to edit for puctuation, and missed words. I would also suggest combining some of these single line paragraphs into longer, more complete ones as I think it would greatly enhance presentation and reader understanding in the story.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Overall, a touching and memorable story that just needs a slight edit and a little polishing to make it truly shine!

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Review of The Wreck!  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, I am giving you this review as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. With that said, here is my review;

Tittle, Description, Rating: I liked the short, punchy tittle, it fits the story perfectly, however I did feel your descriptive line could use some tweaking to further enhance reader interest. I also felt you might upgrade your rating to Adult supervision, it is quite graphic for an E rating.

CHARACTERS: Your main character is well developed, I could see him quite clearly. I did feel you could have gotten more mileage out of the truck driver and his reactions at the scene. You might consider expanding him a little, especially in light of your ending.

Dialogue: Not relevant, no dialogue in story - although you might want to add some between truck driver and paramedics, police?

PLOT: I enjoyed the plot greatly and loved the twist at the end, nicely done!

Contents,[Flow,Clarity]: Your story flows well and I felt the plot was well thought out for such a short piece.

Emotion, Imagery: I think you could do a little more with the imagery, add sounds, smells, put us in that accident scene.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS:
' home by car... the National..' [ period after car. The National..' [ new sentence with The]
any vehicle...but imagine! having to [ comma after vehicle, delete exclamation mark - never use in middle of sentence]
Loud music ringing[ use rang]
judgement!the distance [ comma, not exclamation mark here.]
it{c:lred}!...BAM!the car [ it. Bam, the car] less distracting, better flow.
he ran towards the front [ He ran]
but he stopped the truck, for the friction was slowing it down. I would delete the part about the friction, it's redundant, obviosly the driver saw and felt the impact, etc. You could put in some visual here, screaming metal, sparks flying from under the truck, burning of brakes, scorched metal.. you get the idea...
back of the vehicle.. [ a period only here]he was horrified by what he saw! [Show us his reaction, put us in the driver's shoes, don't just tell us he was horrified]
glazed [ I think you mean 'gazed'

FINAL THOUGHTS: I really liked this story, it gave me shivers and holds so much potential, I did think you could do away with most exclamation marksin your ending, they are very distracting, let it flow more like knowledge flowing over the driver and readers together. A little editing and polishing would turn this story into a real gem !

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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

A wonderfully inspirational story about becoming an adult and all the joys, trials and achievments that accompany this re-birth. I loved the details of Hawaii's beautys, cried at the death of a friend and found comfort in goals met. Oh, how I can relate to those camping trips and Coleman stoves, does anyone know how to light one except fathers? Coleman lanterns came to mind in that paragraph as well.
A warm and thoughtful rembrance of the turning point of a life and the impact these events and choices had on thier owner and others close to him. Definately a story for all young people to benefit from and us of the older generations to read and reminise about. I enjoyed this story very much!
295
295
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

I loved the humour and imagery in this piece! It kept me laughing until I had tears in my eyes, the line about 'payback for curfews,groundings, etc. was so skillfully inserted it brought to mind images of my own son urging me to get my first siamese and oriental shorthair cats. Yup, it's definately payback!
I enjoyed learning the intrincacies of a Jack Russell Terrier's personality because this breed og dog has always interested me. A wonderful story for all ages!

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Review of Two Mimes  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Excellent flow and rythm to this poem! Lines flow easily into each other, telling the story of the mimes. The ending was a great twist and shocks the reader immensely because it is easy to envision such a tradedy in real life, people do not pay attention to those around them in great depth. The message and truth of this is what makes this poem doubly memorable. A great read that I hope many will enjoy.

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Review of The Final Goodbye  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, I am giving you this review as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. With that said, here is my review;

Tittle, Description, Rating: A good tittle, although Ifelt something a bit sharper might fit better, maybe ' The Last Farewell'? I would suggest capitilizing each words first letter for more impact to draw readers in. Same goes for your descriptive line.

CHARACTERS: Your male character is quite well developed and easy to visualize, as is the character of the girl.

Dialogue: The boy's internal dialogue is good, I would have liked to see a bit more dialogue between the two to break up the long narrative, I think this would deepen insight into thier characters.

PLOT: I liked the plot of this story about young lovers parting with good feelings between them.

Contents,[Flow,Clarity]: I found the story confusing in a few places, mainly near the beginning, it's not quite clear why the girl is where she is.This can easily be fixed by editing to expand your story a little.

Emotion, Imagery: Strong emotions are apparent throughout this piece. I did feel the imagery could be improved by expanding on your description of the location in the beginning of the story. You use quite alot of repititious description that almost throws a reader out of the story, try adding in sounds, smells [ could he smell her perfume?]and breaking up the white with a bit more color, maybe her scarf is blue or red to set off her hair and eyes?

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS: I noted a number of typos in your story, here are the ones I felt most took readers out of the story and broke up the flow.
Paragraph One; ' among' the snow doesn't sound quite right, try something like ' outside' or 'surrounded by'.
Paragraph Two; this is where I felt more description would be helpful.
Try, encased by a field of frozen white snow, the school, or our blue and white concrete prison we called home, seemed almost welcoming. [ I'm sure you can do better with this line, just wanted to get your ideas flowing here]
' inked through the sky until it bled out into red stains in the cottocandy sky..] [ clearer, less confusing]
Paragraph Three, line one; you miss a good dramatic turn here, what was there the other's had seen ?

FINAL THOUGHTS: You have a great start on a compelling and touching story here, with a little work and polishing, it could certainly become a stand-out story!

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Review of Playing God  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am giving you this review as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. With that said, here is my review;

Tittle, Description, Rating: Interesting tittle, however it is your descriptive line that really drew me into reading this story! Great job there!

CHARACTERS: Your characters were varied and quite well-rounded, even your minor characters are easily visualized by the reader. I did feel your main character could be developed a little more to bring a higher reader connection to him. He comes across as a little vapid and not toorepentant when he makes mistakes. You might want to give him a little stronger emotional aspect over his mistakes. [ he does have quite a descision and very high stakes to deal with]

Dialogue: Dialogue is smooth, believable and moves the story forward well. I would have liked to see a little more interaction between Evan and John. I felt John would at least want some explanation as to why Evan had let the children die, even if it was only to help Evan clarify his decisions to himself or to voice his feelings over it. The internal dialogue between John and himself is good and gives readers a bit of a look into John's mind and situation.

PLOT: An extremely interesting plot, I liked the supernatural aspect to this story.
Contents,[Flow,Clarity]: The overall flow to this story is consistent throughout and I had an easy time understanding what was going on, pacing was not bad, but you might want to try editing to produce crisper, more punchy sentences in some areas, particularly the action scenes, to vary pace and hold reader attention. I felt a little like I'd been on a marathon run after reading through the full story. Try reading it aloud and noting where the story's natural rythm changes it's pace.

Emotion, Imagery: Although I felt Evan's emotions were a bit weak in places, for the most part you invoked feelings of horror and sadness in me during the action scenes and when he visited his family.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS: I did note a couple of typos in the story;
Paragraph One, Line Five; 'housed' should be ' house' or 'housing'
Paragraph Three; I'd change ' a lot of' to 'similar boys' [ stronger word.]
Paragraph Four; ' abuse' should be 'abused'
Paragraph Five; Engines' should be 'Engine' [ singular, one vehicle]

FINAL THOUGHTS: I was a little dissapointed at the ending, the line is good in itself, but it leaves the reader feeling a bit cheated. Overall, a different and intriqing story about a soul facing a very difficult desicion.

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299
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as suggestions. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest.Most importantantly, Keep Writing!


TITTLE, DESCRIPTION, ETC; Your tittle is excellent for this piece and combined with your descriptive line draws readers interest very well.

CONTENTS; Eeerie, surreal imagery combines with tight, crisp sentences to deliver a dark, dramatic story that will leave chills running up the readers spine long after they finish reading this piece! Your contents are well planned and well laid out, each event follows the other in an order that opens reader imagination to the maximum level. A unique plot, told in a surprisingly philosophical nature for it's content.

Characters, Dialogue: I found it very easy to visualize this character in my mind. He was real and three-dimensional and I felt his pain and loneliness like it was my own. There was also a very strong thread of fatalism, in that one felt this person was fulfilling a fate laid out for him at birth. His loneliness leaps off the page. Internal dialogue makes the story, it is strong and consistent throughout.

IMAGERY; EMOTION; Imagery is vivid and I felt a range of emotions as I read, sadness, despair, loneliness and even a sense of loss at the end. I wanted to reach out and save this person.

SUGGESTIONS; My suggestions have mainly to do with punctuation, I felt an edit and polish was really all this piece needed.One note, I'd use a different word than ' suck' in paragraph One, it feels too passive and throws readers out of the story because it breaks the flow you've created in the prior wording. It spoiled the mood you'd created.
Paragraph Two- I'd suggest a good edit on this one for punctuationand flow,try;
'Inside me is nothing, as it has always been. It is doing what it must-screaming to be defined through the likes of me.'
Paragraph Three; comma needed between place and I.
comma between 'relent''to'
You have a number of similar areas that could use a little more punctuation to bring out the intense impact this story carries.

OVERALL THOUGHTS; A dramatic and powerful story that shows the depths of despair the human spirit is capable of reaching and the message that reaching out to a stranger can save a life.

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300
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, I am giving you this review as a student of the Rockin' Review Academy.
Anything said in this review is given as one reader's opinion only and meant simply to provide you feedback on your story. With that said, here is my review;

Tittle, Description, Rating: Excellent tittle, it gives one a feeling that they are going to read about an experience they can relate to. I would suggest changing your story's description to reflect it's content/theme. I feel you'd attract more readers and reviewers.

CHARACTERS: Your main character is both likeable and someone people can easily relate to in everyday experiences. I think we've all felt what she feels. Her voice is strong and she is three-dimensional in nature. I think you could develop your secondary characters a little more to create a feeling of deeper empathy for them in your reader. Simply giving them names and sexes would help. Are they two girls? A boy and girl? What are thier ages. These details are important to creating reader interest, we want to know and care about these characters.

Dialogue: N/A. No dialogue in story.

PLOT:Your plot is well presented and addresses an important aspect of modern life, the neverending quest to buy, buy, buy to fill the emptiness of a world being condensed to less and less human interaction in the face of increasing technology. I really liked how you presented the various aspects of this problem.

Contents,[Flow,Clarity]: Your story flows very well. You have a knack for narrative and your points are presented with valid experiences most people can relate to in thier own lives. I did note a few confusing areas such as referring to one of the children simply as ' Gloria and Lewis's twin sister. Does she have a name? Her own identity? Was Gloria there as well on the outing?

Emotion, Imagery: I felt the tiredness of the character and her inner struggle to reach an understanding of her world. You accomplished this very effectively and I liked how she also worried about her friend's future.

SUGGESTIONS, TYPOS:
Suggestion: I would add a transition paragraph or line between paragraph one and two. It's a little confusing to have the main character in hospital one second, then be driving someone to a store. It threw me out of the story while I went back to see if I'd missed something.
Paragraph Four; ' him and I' should be ' he and I'
The ending line of this paragraph, while good, is a little confusing, you might want to add in a metaphor earlier in the story comparing or explaining the ' voids' in people and how they relate to being a consumer in the general sense, or Luis as a child.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I liked the ending of this story, however I felt something was left unsaid, perhaps you simply need to add a sentence before or after your closing line to further clarify and empower it for the reader so we understand it's context a little better.
I enjoyed this story and found much food for thought in reading it.

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