Interesting start to something. I think this could really go somewhere cool. Stick with it I believe this is worth your time. The characters appear pretty strong and I think you have set up for some interesting plot lines. I'm not sure which is the dominant one but I feel the two men waiting outside could be very cool.
Most of my objections to this piece come from formatting issues. While putting two returns between paragraphs makes for better readability, paragraphs do not begin or end in the middle of sentences. Another thing is that several sentences run on for far too long. With the awkward formatting it is easy to get lost before you get to the end of a sentence.
That is so how it goes with family heirlooms. they always have that quarter-inch too much in width height and or depth. The trick isn't disassembling the furniture which would quite honestly risk damaging it. no the key is to disassemble the door, remove it from the wall if necessary. Doors are pretty simple to replace and they usually aren't priceless.
I believe the word you are looking for is fetch. You throw something and the dog fetches it for you. The word fetch includes the complete action of chasing after, retrieving and returning the object to the person who threw it. The word bring leaves out most of that meaning. Otherwise lovely story/poem.
The use of the circus metaphor made this a hard read. I rather enjoyed the underlying story but the form it takes is stilted, awkward, and surprisingly insincere when it comes to the characters. Not naming names also made sympathy difficult. I don't have a who to pin it to.
THat was an extremely cheesy poem. It did rhyme. Whey worse than poems I have read on other subjects though. I think I have read better curdish poems. Though on a second read this poem is starting to melt my heart and give me an ooey-gooey feeling. No it still grates on my nerves.
You had to have written this just for me! I love it? It is twisted and hilarious and one of the main characters is a sock! Thank you for contributing this to the world! We all need more of this. The invasion of the alien sox... socks! Oooh what if they change their cloaking technology because of this what would be their next item? Shoes? No! I know! Car keys!
THis is a very descriptive piece. A lot of showing not telling in my opinion. I can see the whole scene vividly I love that the wife is waiting for him for a little desert. I feel for the one who goes home to a cat. I hope that the kettle doesn't start the house on fire.
Oh wow! That is so totally what a villain should do! I love him! He is the perfect villain! I love your twisted writing. Your bio says you haven't finished a book? WHat is stopping you you have the talent! Come on I want a whole book of this stuff! I've finished like fifteen but I have nothing on your wry humor. If you need help with organization or something just let me know...
I love your twisted sense of humor. This is really good. I like that you feature sox... I mean socks. I might have a thing for them too, but that isn't important to this review, unless it is? The blessings are all wonderfully positive and totally twisted in their own way. Write a lot more like this please! and send me the links!
OMG! Hillarious! I love it! Budd YY Zer is one of my favorites. I just love that trio of frogs, were they the actual band? Or were they just covering the tune? Your poetry is really good but I looooove this story! Definitely reading another one! You are a really good writer, stick with it!
Cool poem. I like that you called it a big orange squash rather than using pumpkin. It seemed to be just that little extra touch that this poem needed. I didn't find this prompt inspiring but clearly, you did. You make my Pandora response to the other prompt totally unoriginal. Congratulations on your win.
It is not what i saw in the prompt, I think yours is a hundred times more creative than mine and I loved your use of Madrugada. I don't go out of my way to use exceptionally stand on their own descriptive words, but I should. Congratulations on your win.
This is a lovely dark poem. I really like the form and you seemed to use it well. Congratulations on your Dark Dreamscapes win. I wish I was as talented. Maybe you'll be one of the honorary royalty of darkness next year. congratulations again. I loved your poem.
Interesting subject, very good structure and rhyme. I had heard around that your poetry was good having read this I have to agree. I think I just might raid your port so don't be surprised if you get a lot more reviews from me. Great job keep up the impressive work.
This is a cute tribute to becoming a grandparent and the love one feels for their grandchildren, by blood or not. I would offer congratulations on such wonderful news on having lovely additions to the family. I hope you get to spend a lot of time with your grandchildren. I know they will grow to appreciate every minute they get with you.
I am not accustomed to reading scripts so I cannot give you any advice on the format of this piece. But I enjoyed what I read, with the exception that it doesn't seem finished. none of the questions I have were answered, like why didn't he have his pants on when he died? and how did he know he was dying to take of his pants. and is that the only point of this story?
First, this doesn't really feel like it falls into a category of a poem, it is more of an open letter to a dear friend. It is like a short essay on friendship. Aside from the mis categorization this really is a good piece of writing showing the true nature of the friendship.
This is a short piece that seems to suggest the pathway to a happier life. I wish it were this easy for me. I don't think it is a path I am capable of following. no matter how hard I try, I can see myself falling from the path like a rope bridge and crashing even deeper into the rough places in my life. I guess I just don't trust myself enough.
That is a wicked trip. All hallucination all the time. I would suggest to make it slightly more readable that you put a second return between paragraphs. Wdc doesn't automatically indent paragraphs and they do tend to run together without the extra space. Especially in such a trippy piece you need to make it marginally more readable.
I think this piece would be strengthened by first quoting the scripture then breaking down the meaning. there is a quotation tool in the bar above the text box next to the pre with the re underlined. to use it type in the text you are quoting then highlight it and click the quotation tool it will put writingML around the quote like this {quote}{/quote} then you can continue on to discuss the meaning of the scripture.
This is strong with biblical references, I will give you that. But perhaps you could effect more change if you give specific examples of modern systems that are ignoring scripture. This only provides information to those knowledgable in the bible. To properly rebuke the wrong doing you must lay out the wrongs clearly so that the perpetrators know where they have gone wrong. The can't fix what they don't see as broken.
Basically, you have added god's knowledge, you need to add your observations of modern circumstances. I read the description expecting you to lay out the ways in which the government and society were acting contrary to god's word. I was really looking forward to your observations.
It is a very supportive forum to discuss and share your grief. I know it has helped me substantially with loss. It doesn't even have to be a death, there are other types of loss and all are welcome there.
It is a good start. I like the way you have built the characters and relationship. The structure of the piece leaves me wanting though. It is customary to give each person's dialog a separate paragraph. And on wdc it is a good idea to put two hard returns in between paragraphs to make for more distinction and an easier read.
Now to the proposal-
You are the most supportive and caring person I have ever come across in my life. I know you are not perfect, but so am I.
I think you- mean but neither am I.
and
Sometimes, I think that if I am good enough for you.
should probably be- Sometimes I question if I am good enough for you. Or Sometimes I wonder if I am good enough for you.
Those two wording changes would help the fiance seem less self-absorbed, as you have it written it sounds like he thinks he is perfect and far better than you.
those are the major things I spotted. otherwise this is a good start to the story.
Another suggestion, rather than opening another file to write a part 2 just go back to this file and click on the gear in the upper right hand corner. It will give you the option of editing this piece. Then you can just continue this story in the same document. It will save you portfolio space, you only get 10 items in a free account.
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