I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your wee Limerick poem as your entry falls before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum. Please remember I am no expert and although I like limericks I have trouble writing them... and wrapping my head around the form at times. Let's hope today I am on my game, but Nano has me already sputtering and it's only the third day.
Upon reading about your little adventure I had to laugh. I think this poem nails it as far as telling a wee story within this limerick form. I think it follows the form - I counted syllables getting 8, 8, 6, 6, 10. Close enough for my liking and it actually made sense so thumbs up for that.
I wish you well in the contest. Thank you for sharing your work.
Good luck with Nanowrimo as well. I see your name on the leaderboard. You were a couple of steps ahead of me last night. I hope your story is going well. I am doing the usual story + extra stuff that muddles out = all of it getting me to 50,000 words by month's end. Happy writing. May your soul sing with story.
My name is Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short piece "The Amazing Mouse" . I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please remember that I am not a professional and my opinions and thoughts are only meant to help you. Take what you can use and disregard anything you do not feel suits you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. The piece is ultimately yours and that must be honoured.
Overall Impressions:
I was pulled into this story, much like the business partner that was there to make sure Steve stuck to company protocols. I was curious to see what Steve's idea was and how he was going to make the pitch.
Characters:
The story is told from the point of view of the business partner, but the focus is on Steve and his business idea.
Setting:
The first is in the office of Steve and his business partner.
The second is in the hotel of a potential investor, Mr. Crow.
Plot:
Steve wants funding for his new idea - the computer mouse and he is determined to find a way. His business partner does not want to take out another loan as he feels it could ruin them.
Steve's business partner goes along for the pitch to Mr. Crow just to see what and how Steve is going to do it.
Favourite Part:
I like how the story plays out as I am intrigued with what happens and if he will get his funding.
Suggestions:
I see no spelling or grammar issues.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
My name is Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short piece "The Missionary" . I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please remember that I am not a professional and my opinions and thoughts are only meant to help you. Take what you can use and disregard anything you do not feel suits you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. The piece is ultimately yours and that must be honoured.
Overall Impressions:
This reminds up to start with just one person. The story takes in the overwhelm, the sensory overload of the city the character is in and brings it back to the basics - start with one person.
Characters:
Hill Harding - a missionary in India.
A young single mother abandoned by the man who got her pregnant.
Setting:
India. The author does a admirable job of describing the city as it is reflected in the overwhelm of their missionary work.
Plot:
Will has been in this part of India for a year and he had not made any headway into the culture around him. He is a minority in a world of other religions.
To recenter himself he prays and this allows him to make his way back to what is important about his religion.
Favourite Part:
"He reflected. Wise words indeed. God's love is the only refuge from such high waves, thunderbolts and lightning from stormy winds and treacherous currents. God's love is the key to piercing the dark clouds above me. I can never know enough to make a difference in this country, love is the key here."
Remembering what is important helps him to find his way back to what matters. And because of this he is able to reach out to one person.
Suggestions:
This is not really a suggestion, just a comment on the fact that you bring in details meant to overwhelm, but those details amplify the difficulty he faces. I think you did a good job striking a good balance of overwhelm and details.
Additional Comments:
I appreciate the resources you have included in your notes.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
My name is Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short story "Where is Hullem?" . I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please remember that I am not a professional and my opinions and thoughts are only meant to help you. Take what you can use and disregard anything you do not feel suits you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. The piece is ultimately yours and that must be honoured.
Overall Impressions:
I'm lost in space.
Characters:
Hellum
Geora - 16 year old brother looking for Hellum
Dimmi and Pattrun - parent of Hellum and Geora
The Fixers - Tomishi, Wenno, Avanu and Coonna
Setting:
A spaceship that is exploding.
Plot:
The Fixers are sabotaging the spaceship for a treasure.
The runners are trying to make their way to escape hatches.
Geora gets separated from Hellum and is searching for 'them'. He's yelling and asking others if they have seen Hellum.
At one point Tomishi thinks Geora saw what they were doing and goes off to kill him.
Beyond that I am confused.
Suggestions:
I see no spelling or grammar issues.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
My name is Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short story "Flight Q 986" . I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please remember that I am not a professional and my opinions and thoughts are only meant to help you. Take what you can use and disregard anything you do not feel suits you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. The piece is ultimately yours and that must be honoured.
Overall Impressions:
Yikes. To be all alone after that kind of trauma.
Characters:
Skyla - a lone survivor of a plane crash.
Setting:
A crashed plane.
Plot:
A young woman is the sole survivor of a plane crash.
Suggestions:
I dont see any spelling or grammar issues.
I think when you go unconscious you don't decide to think about it tomorrow. The darkness just settles over you and takes you captive. This is from the first paragraph.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
My name is Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short story "In Over Your Head" . I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please remember that I am not a professional and my opinions and thoughts are only meant to help you. Take what you can use and disregard anything you do not feel suits you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. The piece is ultimately yours and that must be honoured.
Overall Impressions:
This was a good story. I could relate in a way. Sometimes just the right person can encourage you to try and you feel okay about it after all. I was like that with roller coasters.
Characters:
Alex - the main character who has just finished grade 5.
Evelyn - his annoying little sister
Mom
Ingrid - a girl Alex may just like.
Setting:
The pool in the summer
Plot:
Alex refuses to put his head under water. He finds it frightening. This particular summer a school mate runs into them at the pool and once they swim down to the deep end, Alex finds himself wanting to try to go under water 'for her'.
Young love... at the age of 10. Sweet.
Favourite Part:
I like that Alex is willing to try for Ingrid and she is kind about his fears.
Suggestions:
I found a few spots that needed some tweaks: I noticed them on the first read though then missed them when I was really looking for them. One was an extra word , like a 'the'.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
My name is Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short story "God Only Knows" . I wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please remember that I am not a professional and my opinions and thoughts are only meant to help you. Take what you can use and disregard anything you do not feel suits you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. The piece is ultimately yours and that must be honoured.
Overall Impressions:
This story brought tears to my eyes. This girl is clearly in over her head and she wants to break free from a bad situation. At the moment she needs it the song comes on her Spotify account.
Characters:
A seventeen year old girl is trying to break free from a bad situation.
Setting:
A late night diner - a greasy spoon.
Plot:
A young girl, Beth, goes into a late night diner to get some food and be out of the elements. She is fighting an addiction to crack. She's doing so to make a healthier way for herself and her unborn child.
She encounters music that gives her hope... and later, after she closes herself off into the bathroom she finds a phone number for a woman who is willing to help.
While she is at the diner, Ken strides in. Her 'fragile peace' vanishes and dread envelops her. I like the contrast of the characters here.
He tires to convince her that he can protect her and that she is better off with him, but she knows he is only lying
when he doesn't get his was by being charming, he turns cruel and tries to scare her into coming back with him.
Feeling ill sends her to the washroom - away from him. And this is where she finds the card to contact Jody Schwartz (may the schwartz be with you - sorry that's my own weird sense of humour)
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing and listening to the three versions of Thunder Rolls as it falls before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
I liked the various versions. One thing I do like about country music is that it tells a story - usually a sad tale. The rock aspects add a lot of guitar - especially in the second version.
Liked the first video for the story being played out on the screen. The second version had more depictions of the band members. The last version stuck to the singer only.
I would love to hear the original with Garth Brooks. I found an original and it uses more acoustic guitars. More fiddles as well.
It's 💙 Carly-wrimo 2024 and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your Protagonist's backstory as you entered it in the I Write in 2024 forum.
I still have to write mine... though I am still working on the same novel as last year so I have to generate an new scene from my character's history.
Acrobia is an interesting name. I have an image of a rather small dragon - this is my impression only because my mind kinda rhymes it with Microbial. Crazy is my middle name....
I believe this OctoPrep assignment is to share the protagonist's background story. You have told yourself the story. And I believe it is important to tell yourself the backstory to know where you are going when you write you novel.
But for the contest, I would love you to show me more of the story. Let me get to know your character in the scene you create. Bring it to life with details and emotions. Don't try to tell everything. Focus in on one part and bring it to life.
Does that make sense?
I find when I do the assignments for OctoPrep I do them for me. So if your story is new and blossoming, then telling the tale is where you are at. I applaud you. Keep going. You have something special here.
It's 💙 Carly-wrimo 2024 and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your poem as I pushed the Read and Review button on the side of the site and your item popped up.
Thank you for giving the explanation for a Huitian with its eight lines and eight syllables per line. That makes it easier to give a review - as I am not an expert of poetry - though I do love it so.
You managed to get the eight lines to convey your thanks for being free. The rhyming pattern also works, but I found I had to say money a little differently to get it to rhyme with free. But it works.
Thank you for sharing your work. I look forward to reading more.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your "Once Upon A Time" piece. I found your piece when I pressed the read and review button at the side of the site. You get extra gift points this month if you do this. Curious if you are still writing with the site or on hiatus? I do hope you are still writing.
I was also curious if this was about a very depressed person who just can't manage a day.... or is it 'story' about not a thing really not happening. A sad tale really because the day sounded like a fabulous day and they missed it all. You do an nice job describing the details of the day.
Wishing you an awesome 2024 and hope you keep writing.
Welcome to Writing.com. I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your poem as I clicked on the button on the side panel (its a great way to earn extra gift points ) Your poem popped up with a 45 minute time period to read and review - that's how that button works.
I really liked this piece. I can feel the yearnings of the boy and his mother waiting and watching for the lobster fishing boat to come home... to make it through the foggy mist.
I love the last stanza:
The boat take shape
The motor rumbles
As it slips into the sheltered harbor.
Daddy's home again.
You craft a poem full of sensory details that bring the image of your telling into my mind. Well done.
I notice you joined only a bit ago, but you have several pieces already in your portfolio. Well done. Don't hesitate if you have any questions.
Welcome to Writing.com. I'm 💙 Carly-wrimo 2024 and I found your review using the read and review button on the side panel of the site.
Overall, I found your story heartwarming in its charm.
Suggestions:
I would be inclined to add in more spacing to give your piece more white space. Readers are more inclined to read your work if it is spaced out. Packed in dense like it is makes it a challenge to read... especially when I am tired.
Spacing would also allow the reader to breath into your piece.
I like the ending. Well done. Thank you for sharing.
Keep writing.
Another suggestion and this is pure opinion on my part, I would not say a group of rapists. It could be one rapist, but then I don't see rapists going to the trouble of breaking in to someone's house to rape them. I would be inclined to say a group of burglars with nefarious intentions... but it can be as simple as a burglar.
The fact that they cat protected her from invading bad guys works for me.
It's 💙 Carly-wrimo 2024 and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short piece of prose as it comes before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
Well, that was rather a hot read... and then it ended. Dang it.
It looks like the contest has a word count of up to 969 words. You could easily go on and not leave this poor reviewer starved for more.
But I enjoyed what I read and I wish you luck in the contest.
My only suggestion and this is only my opinion, is the 'baby hairs' at the edge of her hairline. That tossed me out of the story for a bit, but I quickly made my way back and found myself intrigued.
Wow. The imagery you create is very dramatic and authentic. I loved your take on how depression affects a person's partner. I am a child of a depressed mother. My experience is different from yours. I found your poem's experience to resonate at a level of deepness.
A child is at the whims of a parent with depression, but a partner. That has its own shattering effects or is it affects... both I suspect. I never wondered what my father experienced - it was the seventies in Northern Ontario - things weren't discussed. Therapy if you could get it was 30 minutes once a month and my father refused to go when things got rough.
But reading this poem's account of such a situation breaks my heart - as now I am an adult looking back and wondering at all that went on and why my Father may have become unfaithful... things seemed to fall apart after I was born.
This is a beautiful poem. The emotion drips from each anguished word. It is poignant. Thank you so much for sharing it and I wish you all the best in the contest.
I hit the read and review button again and got chapter 22 this time. At least I recognize this character - Sabrina.
there is a lot of telling going on. I'm wondering if you can expand some of the scene to make them come alive. Where is she? What is she doing as she talks? Give her some direction to help develop the character beyond the conversation itself.
I also found it odd that the parents were given names. Can they just be her mom and her dad? I adds a lot of names into the mix and sometimes her mom or her dad will suffice.
I also noticed this kind of sentence in each of the three chapters I have read: That said, Julia felt uneasy.
Please remember this is only my opinion and this is not a genre I would normally read. I am also trying to follow a chapter of a story without the benefit of reading them in order.
I hit the read and review button again and another of your chapter's came up. This time chapter 11 - last time it was chapter 15.
I'm not even sure if any of the characters are the same and I noticed:
"That said, Alex groaned." being used again so it must be something that drops into your work often. I'd watch that. We all have our phrases we fall back on - because we do them so often we often don't notice them, but others do.
I have a little trouble at the beginning following Alex, Luis and Karen. I wasn't sure who was with who and I mistakenly thought Alex was a girl (my error I have a female cousin whose name is Alex). But this line added to that confusion:
"Ultimately, Alex didn't want to leave them alone, but with everything, she intended to speak her mind." I thought the she referred to Alex.
It got clearer as I continued to read.
I figure if I were to early chapters this would all become clearer. It's challenging to do a review on a single chapter.
Also curious what "suggestive glances" are exactly? I was trying to picture the scene and this through me.
Good luck with your story. I hope to read more of it in the future.
I hit the read and review button on the side of the site and your poem from 2005 came up. It's often nice to be reminded of these little gems you once created. When you read it over now does it seem like your work or are you stunned by the potency of something like this being in your portfolio. I am always stunned and pleased that these little gems are there. Looking back I can think 'hey, I am a pretty good writer'. Rarely do I cringe at the pieces that have stayed so long in my portfolio.
That said, I will say I enjoyed this... and I didn't realize you had been here on this site so long.
Your poem has a distinct ryming pattern of the first two lines of each stanza rhyming, but the last does not.
I enjoyed your word choices and the images you portrayed.
I took the time to lookup the Redbuds as I was not sure what it looked like. It would be nice to add a notes section with a link to the tree's picture. It would also be nice to have a note regarding the type of poem you crafted. These are things you probably do now.
Having seen the picture of the tree the poem seems that much sweeter than when I first read it. Thank you so much for sharing. I look forward to reading more of you work.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your chapter. I took a quite look at your portfolio and it seems you have been busy and you only just joined - August 21, 2024. Wow. That's impressive.
That said I am reviewing a chapter, number 15. I am walking into the middle of what you have created so far. It looks like it is from a series - Dark Society.
I am feeling a little like I have walked in to a room and have no idea what's going on because I arrived at the party late. That said, I can see there has been a good deal of thought put into your characters, particularly Sabrina. I'm intrigued enough to check out some of the earlier chapters to see what I have missed.
One thing that stepped out at me was 'audible thump resonated' - I'm thinking audible is redundant because thump resonated does a great join of conveying the sensory detail.
Also, is their punctuation missing from this line:
That said, Tatum groaned.
I got the impression that something was off there.
The last line intrigues me. Who are these two girls that did not show up and why not?
Overall, I think you have a good story going here.
Are you a newbie or is this another account being used for just this story? Either way welcome to Writing.com. I hope you take some time to partake in some of the birthday celebrations. It is surely one of the best weeks on site.
Happy writing. I may just have to read some more of this interesting tale.
I found this an interesting wee piece. Jimmy and the bean... I wonder what adventures he has way up there in the sky, but this story is about how he found that seed and how he planted it.
It was an interesting read. I enjoyed the style you chose to use to tell this story:
"And now it’s up to you. I can confirm that, the next morning, when Jimmy went to check on the bean, he was confronted with a beanstalk that reached up to the sky. And I can tell you that he climbed up that beanstalk until he disappeared with it into the blue of its immense height. And I also have to report that he was never seen again.
But this is all hearsay. It’s up to you whether you believe it or not. And that, of course, is entirely a matter of choice."
It has a newspaper reporter kind of vibe to it.
It looks like this was written to a prompt during the Game of Thrones Challenge. I do hope you did well with the piece.
Hope your enjoying the Birthday Celebrations going on this week.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your 500 word dialogue piece as it falls before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
Once I got over the 'oh my God am I too old to understand this' thought and read the piece all the way through I got the idea and had a good chuckle.
On a second reading it made a lot more sense. Your mind works in curious, fun ways. Never thought of AI and viruses getting it on before. I have a whole new view of that sort of thing.
You are right on 500 words. Well done. I do like your take on the prompt: SEPTEMBER PROMPT/ You're infected with a virus that does not harm but talks to you for 2 weeks. This could generate some very cool dialogue stories. I may have to check out some of the other entries and see how they tackled this prompt.
I don't think I will take on this contest. I am trying to tackle the Writer's Cramp, daily blogging and the Masquerade Party. I have been enjoying your entries over on the Masquerade forum. It is my first time tackling that one.
I did not see any spelling or grammar issues.
I wish you well in the contest.
Enjoy the birthday celebrations to your heart's content.
I'm 💙 Carly-wrimo 2024 and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your piece.
Welcome to Writing.com. I see you only joined our merry band a couple of days ago. Congratulations on posting your first piece. I remember doing that... 11 years ago now. This is a fabulous site to test your writing mettle. Read others, review others and get your own stuff reviewed - that is how you learn. I believe there are groups within Writing.com that can help guide you. I believe there are also groups here that are focused on fantasy writing.
I do hope you will take advantage of the birthday celebrations going on. That's how I got hooked. And don't be afraid to ask questions.
Just a note. If you leave spaces between your paragraphs it gives white space that allows the reader to breath. When the piece is compact like you have it, it may be overlooked as being to much to read. Does that make sense?
Point 1: There is a lot of information packed into this small paragraph. Being one who does not read fantasy and is not familiar with such big names I will give my opinion only. Please take what resonances with you and discard anything else. I was a little confused by who is who to start.
There is a lot of telling in this story. I would slow down the pace and open it up by showing. You can do that by using dialogue. Instead of telling me about the discussion, show me with the dialogue and character cues that tell me more about the uniqueness of each character.
I think you have the premise of a good story here. It is very densely packed with details. It is too big to be a short story. If it becomes a novel, I would say these details are more for you as you get to know your character. Your reader doesn't need all the backstory all at once. Break it up.
I am curious about the numbered editing on your piece. I have never seen that before and I find it interesting.
I do hope you will stay at it and keep learning. I have grown in confidence and in skill ability over my time here on Writng.com. I hope you will take advantage of all it has to offer. I'd stay with the Newbie groups to get your feet wet, then branch out from there.
Welcome to Writing.com. I noticed you joined not even a month ago. I do hope you partake in all the Birthday celebrations have to offer. It really is the most exciting time of year here as WDC.
That said, I am here to provide a review of your poem Labyrinth of Shadows. I was very impressed. I was bound by your words and pulled into that confined space with the poet. Luckily I could escape.
I am not a professional so please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything that does not resonate with you. This is only my opinion as a creative who loves to write.
I believe your poem to be free verse. That is my favourite kind. It follows the mind of the poet and goes where they go. There is no rhyming pattern that I see.
That first verse really sets the stage for the piece. It draws you in and the sensory details make the room come alive so that you are there within that space, feeling all the coldness.
I love the language you used.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece. I look forward to reading more of your work. I do hope you enjoy your time here at Writing.com. I have been here since March of 2013. Don't hesitate to ask any questions. If I don't know I can direct you as best as I can.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short poem as it falls before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
I really liked this poem and found it flowed and bounced along nicely until the last line. There was something in those last two lines that jarred me out of full enjoyment. I couldn't quite figure it out until I changed it in my head:
I changed the last line to 'don't you?' in order to hold with the rhyming pattern and the flow of the piece.
When I did that it sang.
This is only my opinion. I also noticed you snuck this in at the last minute... I've done that too. Well done for getting the 160 characters. I would suggest putting that detail in a notes section at the bottom of your poem... that would explain your use of like me versus don't you - 6 versus 8 characters. When I put in into my word counter it came out at 159 character. Sweet!
What a cool challenge - 160 characters. I'm sorry I missed the poetry week at the Writer's Cramp.
Thank you for sharing your work and good luck in the contest. I look forward to reading more of your work as the year progresses.
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