I hit the read and review button again and got chapter 22 this time. At least I recognize this character - Sabrina.
there is a lot of telling going on. I'm wondering if you can expand some of the scene to make them come alive. Where is she? What is she doing as she talks? Give her some direction to help develop the character beyond the conversation itself.
I also found it odd that the parents were given names. Can they just be her mom and her dad? I adds a lot of names into the mix and sometimes her mom or her dad will suffice.
I also noticed this kind of sentence in each of the three chapters I have read: That said, Julia felt uneasy.
Please remember this is only my opinion and this is not a genre I would normally read. I am also trying to follow a chapter of a story without the benefit of reading them in order.
I hit the read and review button again and another of your chapter's came up. This time chapter 11 - last time it was chapter 15.
I'm not even sure if any of the characters are the same and I noticed:
"That said, Alex groaned." being used again so it must be something that drops into your work often. I'd watch that. We all have our phrases we fall back on - because we do them so often we often don't notice them, but others do.
I have a little trouble at the beginning following Alex, Luis and Karen. I wasn't sure who was with who and I mistakenly thought Alex was a girl (my error I have a female cousin whose name is Alex). But this line added to that confusion:
"Ultimately, Alex didn't want to leave them alone, but with everything, she intended to speak her mind." I thought the she referred to Alex.
It got clearer as I continued to read.
I figure if I were to early chapters this would all become clearer. It's challenging to do a review on a single chapter.
Also curious what "suggestive glances" are exactly? I was trying to picture the scene and this through me.
Good luck with your story. I hope to read more of it in the future.
I hit the read and review button on the side of the site and your poem from 2005 came up. It's often nice to be reminded of these little gems you once created. When you read it over now does it seem like your work or are you stunned by the potency of something like this being in your portfolio. I am always stunned and pleased that these little gems are there. Looking back I can think 'hey, I am a pretty good writer'. Rarely do I cringe at the pieces that have stayed so long in my portfolio.
That said, I will say I enjoyed this... and I didn't realize you had been here on this site so long.
Your poem has a distinct ryming pattern of the first two lines of each stanza rhyming, but the last does not.
I enjoyed your word choices and the images you portrayed.
I took the time to lookup the Redbuds as I was not sure what it looked like. It would be nice to add a notes section with a link to the tree's picture. It would also be nice to have a note regarding the type of poem you crafted. These are things you probably do now.
Having seen the picture of the tree the poem seems that much sweeter than when I first read it. Thank you so much for sharing. I look forward to reading more of you work.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your chapter. I took a quite look at your portfolio and it seems you have been busy and you only just joined - August 21, 2024. Wow. That's impressive.
That said I am reviewing a chapter, number 15. I am walking into the middle of what you have created so far. It looks like it is from a series - Dark Society.
I am feeling a little like I have walked in to a room and have no idea what's going on because I arrived at the party late. That said, I can see there has been a good deal of thought put into your characters, particularly Sabrina. I'm intrigued enough to check out some of the earlier chapters to see what I have missed.
One thing that stepped out at me was 'audible thump resonated' - I'm thinking audible is redundant because thump resonated does a great join of conveying the sensory detail.
Also, is their punctuation missing from this line:
That said, Tatum groaned.
I got the impression that something was off there.
The last line intrigues me. Who are these two girls that did not show up and why not?
Overall, I think you have a good story going here.
Are you a newbie or is this another account being used for just this story? Either way welcome to Writing.com. I hope you take some time to partake in some of the birthday celebrations. It is surely one of the best weeks on site.
Happy writing. I may just have to read some more of this interesting tale.
I found this an interesting wee piece. Jimmy and the bean... I wonder what adventures he has way up there in the sky, but this story is about how he found that seed and how he planted it.
It was an interesting read. I enjoyed the style you chose to use to tell this story:
"And now it’s up to you. I can confirm that, the next morning, when Jimmy went to check on the bean, he was confronted with a beanstalk that reached up to the sky. And I can tell you that he climbed up that beanstalk until he disappeared with it into the blue of its immense height. And I also have to report that he was never seen again.
But this is all hearsay. It’s up to you whether you believe it or not. And that, of course, is entirely a matter of choice."
It has a newspaper reporter kind of vibe to it.
It looks like this was written to a prompt during the Game of Thrones Challenge. I do hope you did well with the piece.
Hope your enjoying the Birthday Celebrations going on this week.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your 500 word dialogue piece as it falls before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
Once I got over the 'oh my God am I too old to understand this' thought and read the piece all the way through I got the idea and had a good chuckle.
On a second reading it made a lot more sense. Your mind works in curious, fun ways. Never thought of AI and viruses getting it on before. I have a whole new view of that sort of thing.
You are right on 500 words. Well done. I do like your take on the prompt: SEPTEMBER PROMPT/ You're infected with a virus that does not harm but talks to you for 2 weeks. This could generate some very cool dialogue stories. I may have to check out some of the other entries and see how they tackled this prompt.
I don't think I will take on this contest. I am trying to tackle the Writer's Cramp, daily blogging and the Masquerade Party. I have been enjoying your entries over on the Masquerade forum. It is my first time tackling that one.
I did not see any spelling or grammar issues.
I wish you well in the contest.
Enjoy the birthday celebrations to your heart's content.
Welcome to Writing.com. I see you only joined our merry band a couple of days ago. Congratulations on posting your first piece. I remember doing that... 11 years ago now. This is a fabulous site to test your writing mettle. Read others, review others and get your own stuff reviewed - that is how you learn. I believe there are groups within Writing.com that can help guide you. I believe there are also groups here that are focused on fantasy writing.
I do hope you will take advantage of the birthday celebrations going on. That's how I got hooked. And don't be afraid to ask questions.
Just a note. If you leave spaces between your paragraphs it gives white space that allows the reader to breath. When the piece is compact like you have it, it may be overlooked as being to much to read. Does that make sense?
Point 1: There is a lot of information packed into this small paragraph. Being one who does not read fantasy and is not familiar with such big names I will give my opinion only. Please take what resonances with you and discard anything else. I was a little confused by who is who to start.
There is a lot of telling in this story. I would slow down the pace and open it up by showing. You can do that by using dialogue. Instead of telling me about the discussion, show me with the dialogue and character cues that tell me more about the uniqueness of each character.
I think you have the premise of a good story here. It is very densely packed with details. It is too big to be a short story. If it becomes a novel, I would say these details are more for you as you get to know your character. Your reader doesn't need all the backstory all at once. Break it up.
I am curious about the numbered editing on your piece. I have never seen that before and I find it interesting.
I do hope you will stay at it and keep learning. I have grown in confidence and in skill ability over my time here on Writng.com. I hope you will take advantage of all it has to offer. I'd stay with the Newbie groups to get your feet wet, then branch out from there.
Welcome to Writing.com. I noticed you joined not even a month ago. I do hope you partake in all the Birthday celebrations have to offer. It really is the most exciting time of year here as WDC.
That said, I am here to provide a review of your poem Labyrinth of Shadows. I was very impressed. I was bound by your words and pulled into that confined space with the poet. Luckily I could escape.
I am not a professional so please take what you wish from this review and disregard anything that does not resonate with you. This is only my opinion as a creative who loves to write.
I believe your poem to be free verse. That is my favourite kind. It follows the mind of the poet and goes where they go. There is no rhyming pattern that I see.
That first verse really sets the stage for the piece. It draws you in and the sensory details make the room come alive so that you are there within that space, feeling all the coldness.
I love the language you used.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece. I look forward to reading more of your work. I do hope you enjoy your time here at Writing.com. I have been here since March of 2013. Don't hesitate to ask any questions. If I don't know I can direct you as best as I can.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short poem as it falls before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
I really liked this poem and found it flowed and bounced along nicely until the last line. There was something in those last two lines that jarred me out of full enjoyment. I couldn't quite figure it out until I changed it in my head:
I changed the last line to 'don't you?' in order to hold with the rhyming pattern and the flow of the piece.
When I did that it sang.
This is only my opinion. I also noticed you snuck this in at the last minute... I've done that too. Well done for getting the 160 characters. I would suggest putting that detail in a notes section at the bottom of your poem... that would explain your use of like me versus don't you - 6 versus 8 characters. When I put in into my word counter it came out at 159 character. Sweet!
What a cool challenge - 160 characters. I'm sorry I missed the poetry week at the Writer's Cramp.
Thank you for sharing your work and good luck in the contest. I look forward to reading more of your work as the year progresses.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your flash fiction piece as it falls before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
When I finished this piece I wanted to swear... for the poor bugger and all his hard work. I can so relate to this person and their fix it job. I have always been amazed at how some people can fix anything and seem to know exactly what to do. I am clumsy and at a loss most of the time when it comes to fix it repairs.
When you do fix something and you are successful, it is an amazing feeling. But still I don't bother to try as I know I am not that savy.
At least this person had there shoes on.
I really liked how you worked in the required words.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I wish you luck in the contest.
I look forward to reading more of your work as the year progresses.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your blog post as it comes before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
Animals was the topic of your blog. I love animals too. Cats are my particular favourite, but I love all and have also had a dog at one point in time. For my family we made it 3 weeks before adding another fuzzy friend to our family. We knew we could not replace our other cats, but not having a cat around left the house feeling empty and hollow. So we went from have two old cats - 18 and 19 years old to a 5 year old black tabby.
I hear what your saying about the responsibilities. Our 18 year old girl was diabetic so that meant needles morning and night and she was a scary cat so only my mother and I could give her the needles. It meant that we could not both be gone at the same time. I loved her dearly though. When she did pass away there was a freedom in not having to do the needles or follow her around with puppy pads - just in case she had an accident.
We are lucky to have a fenced in yard and it is a relief to know the cat can go out and explore and not escape beyond the fence line. He loves it.
Animals are like family. They cannot be replaced and they add so much love and affection to your world. The health benefits of having an animal in your midst is also wonderful. I am sure that one day you and your wife will get your dream of another pet... and who knows, maybe that farm.
I live close to a farmers market and love to go talk to the animals they have in the petting area. I feel so good after a little animal intervention. And yes, I do talk to the animals like they are human.... I'm not crazy - my mother had me tested.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your piece as it comes before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
I really enjoyed this story. I was pulled in from the beginning sentences. You did well to capture the mood and feelings of the character. I am rooting for her all the way.
I liked the feeling your generated in me as well. This character seems strong in her own right. The panther suit just amplifies her strength. I appreciated that.
I love how you worked in the prompt - As she spun around, her blood-red cape floated behind her. It had me smiling as a memory from The Incredibles came to me about superheroes not wearing capes... but that's not part of this story...
I found only one spot that threw me out of the story: taking a chance that this particular thief had been encouraged to try once again.
Only a small typo. Easily fixed.
Thank you so much for writing and sharing this story. I wish you luck in the contest. It was very well written and I suspect you will do well.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short piece as it falls before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
This was a quirky wee tale. I enjoyed reading it. You managed to integrate the bolded words seamlessly into the piece and create an interesting collection of characters.
I found a few areas which could have been minor slip-ups in editing: A quick read aloud would catch these moments:
Into this strangeness, a car pulled up and three friends got out.
You need to get away from this place. Don't come around here around here anymore. Go away!"
I also noted a few spots that could have used some tweaks:
A space here:
"Here we go again," said the cat, "Yes, I talk, but what exactly is spectral activity?"
"Well," said Professor Venkman, if the wizard does appear again tonight. "I want to get a reading of its spectral signature."
And a deletion here:
"People," he called out in a loud voice, "depart from this place!"
,"
"Here that?" said Sam. "He wants us to depart from this place. Let's go!" But nobody else was budging
The ending was plausible, but it seemed a bit abrupt... I didn't see the police arrive, just someone calling for them to be taken away. Maybe a line to have the police arrive would fix this oversight.
Overall a good story. I wish you luck in the contest and look forward to reading more of your work as the year progresses.
I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing you poem as it comes before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
I love the Express It In Eight challenge. I have generated some pretty great poems with their prompts. I missed this one. You have done a wonderful job crafting things of a purple colour. I particularly like Harold's Crayon.
I also like the picture you added. It is quite mesmerizing.
My only critique is with your use of capitals. In the first line 'Which' is capitalized and it seemed odd. I could understand Majesties. And also all your lines begin with a capital except for 'shares' in the fourth line. Nothing wrong with it... it just seemed like a shattered use of them. Personally I like capitals at the beginning of each of my lines.
I like your rhyming of list and amethyst. I like the rhyming, but I couldn't seem to get saw and galore to follow that pattern of rhyming.
Overall, I liked this cute wee poem. Thank you for sharing.
It's 💙 Carly - aka Joan Watson and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your wee poem as it comes before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
In 12 short lines you manage to capture the essence of dreams as they trip through our minds each night as we sleep.
I liked the imagry. Discombobulated like a dream itself, yet it had me smiling as the way it played out.
"unicorns and tanks
flying on your pillow"
I know that when I wake from a dream I am off kilter as I try to make sense of the images that come at me, but is there a real meaning within the oddity of those images? There must be, but in the blink of an eye the images are gone and soon the feeling of being off kilter fades as I right myself into the reality of being awake.
I applaud you for catching that shift - "resolving into a reality
unreal but so very close"
I enjoyed reading this poem and I thank you for sharing it. I look forward to reading more of your work. Good luck in this poetry challenge.
I'm 💙 Carly - aka Joan Watson and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your Writer's Cramp Earth Day entry.
It's sad to think this could be a thing... if we don't pull ourselves together and do something. I really like the concept of this story.
You did a good job or incorporating the words. It is always nice to bold them to let the judges know you have covered all of them.
There were a few times I fell out of the story: A few minor edits could tighten things up.
"They did try to reverse course once they new." should be 'knew'.
"create recycle bins to conserve resources material." I think this would be better as 'creating'.
I was also thinking that "It was a completely different time. The planet really sustained us at that point. She gave us food, water, shelter before she became uninhabitable." would be stronger if the two astronauts talked of their ancestors as 'them' instead of 'us' to put distance into perspective.
'The planet really sustained them at that point. She gave them food, water...."
Thank you for sharing your piece. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to reading more of your work as the year progresses.
I'm 💙 Carly - aka Joan Watson and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your flash fiction piece "Evening Sirens" as it falls before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
I really liked this piece. The concept was fun. A young man is sucked into the local folklore of the Isle. He luckily survives his fate. I would have the fisherman pull him out of the water and up into his boat instead of talking to him on shore. That would emphasize the survival part.
'I woke up on a boat shore coughing.
"Easy lad. You just took a dive... you are so lucky you didn't hit the rocks below." A fisherman who had pulled me out out of the lake told me.'
There were a few other spots that pulled me out of the piece, but they were minor editing blips - I have mentioned them below.
I did notice a few spots that were probably simple misses in the edits:
"My eyes seemed to glaze of over." This needs to lose the 'of'
"A fisherman who had pulled me out out of the lake told me." Drop the second 'out'.
"he skeptic in me wanted to dismiss his words as folk lore but it was obvious what happened." The the work folklore is one word not two.
Beyond that I saw no spelling or grammar issues.
I wish you luck in the contest and look forward to reading more of your writing as the year progresses. Keep Writing.
Hi JACE,
I'm 💙 Carly - aka Joan Watson and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your wee story as it comes before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum.
I have wee chuckle at this story. In a 110 words you manage to pack in quite a tale that I am sure happens on a regular basis between couples all over the world. I can even image it happening in Japan, India and France.
I love the way you worked in the prompt - You did that on purpose. Well done. My hat is off to you.
Thanks for sharing your story and I look forward to reading more of you work as the year progresses.
I'm 💙 Carly - aka Joan Watson and I found your chapter when I clicked on the read and review link for the day. This is not usually the type of story I would read, but it seemed to pull me in despite feeling lost... starting at chapter 27 does not help.
I'm sure there is a lot of background that I am missing so I am less inclined to comment. The action is there. There is a build up that I think is rather well done. I feel for Kam.
But I am not sure about the various groups of people or how they fit together. Silo's group and Kam and Bel.
I did notice this:
"He needed a belt for his slacks this time, and the vest hangs off his shoulders in a way it didn’t before." I think hangs should be hung.
I was also not sure if Kam is dating only Bel, but also Silo.
I'm 💙 Carly - aka Joan Watson and I found your poem when I clicked on the read and review link on the side of my WDC page. I like the randomness of the picks... and the extra gift points is a sweet treat as well.
I really enjoyed this poem. It told a story that is lovely and heartwarming. Feeding the masses of those in need when your family is late in coming and when they do finally make it they add their own food and continue to share in the bounty. I love that.
Your poem follows an aabb pattern and holds through each of the stanzas. Only one stanza - the last broke from this pattern. By then the story was nearing its close so it was not something to disrupt the read.
Thank you for sharing this piece. I do hope you continue to write and share your work. I see this is written in 2010... that is the beauty of the randomness of read and review - it picks up stuff and puts it out there - reminding the readers of the wonderful writing here at WDC, but also reminding the writers of the wonderful work they have shared over the years.
Hi Genipher.
My name is Carly and I am doing this review on behalf of I Write in 2024.
I have just read your short story "El Diablo" , which I found when I posted my own entry to the forum and wanted to share my thoughts with you. Please remember that I am not a professional and my opinions and thoughts are only meant to help you. Take what you can use and disregard anything you do not feel suits you. Please keep in mind this is only my opinion. The piece is ultimately yours and that must be honoured.
Overall Impressions:
I liked this story. I could picture who I would love this to be.... there was satisfaction in the kill and utter disappointment at realization that he had not died.
Characters:
Emmanuel - good name choice.
Mr. President - who is shot and then comes back to life. I thought him painted as a rather slimy person - touching and smelling the little girl's hair.
The VP and body guards.
Setting:
We are in a hotel room with Emmanuel as he takes his shot, then later we are with him watching the TV as the president he killed comes back to life.
Plot:
The assignation of the president and its aftermath.
Favourite Part:
Suggestions:
In this part:
"Emmanuel let out a sigh and lowered the rifle. He could be patient. A few moments later and the door opened again. First came the wall of suits and there, in the middle, was a glint of white hair. Emmanuel lowered the rifle and centered it on his target’s head."
I think the rifle needs to be raised before he fires, not lowered.
The dialogue of the VP repeats the word today and t seems an awkward speech.
The dialogue of the president when he comes back alive also seems fine to me but I would not be inclined to call it eloquent.
Additional Comments:
I enjoyed reading this short story. I wish you well in the contest.
I enjoyed reading your work. Thank you for sharing it. I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!
I'm 💙 Carly - aka Joan Watson. This was a great poem to read. I could picture the sour pinched up faces without the video, but the video was funny. That you for sharing both and making my day sweeter with a tinge of sourly facial gymnastics.
I love the guy popping his eye open.
Your rhymes were divine and the flow was heavenly. I want to try writing a poem for this. I don't usually read other people's stuff before my own attempt, but I could not resist this morning. I will make my own sour attempt after you wee poem settles down in my mind and lets me create one of my own.
Thanks again for sharing this. Have a great Easter Weekend and I do hope to read more of your poetry again soon.
It's Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short piece as it falls before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum. I am not a professional, so take what you wish from this review that works for you and leave anything that doesn't. Remember this is only my opinion. This piece of writing is ultimately yours.
Wow. This is quite the action piece. I would be curious to know more. This could be the start of something much bigger. I was drawn in right from the very beginning. I realize it is a nightmare, but I could see more coming of it.
I did find that for such a short piece, there was a lot of characters. I had to read that part over a couple of times to make sure I was sure I had them all in my head before reading on. I would inclined to cut a couple to make it a bit easier to follow them all.
I also noticed "They cages" should be "The cages". That was just a wee thing.
I would also have the big dark form jump onto the carpet of glass and not just step. I get the impression this beast would move with more force than a step could encapsulate.
This is some nightmare. One very scary ass one.
I really enjoyed this piece and look forward to reading more of your work as the year progresses.
It's Carly and I have the pleasure of reading and reviewing your short fiction piece as it came before mine in the I Write in 2024 forum. Please remember that this review is only my opinion and ultimately you are the one who crafts the story. I hope my comments will be helpful to you. If they are not, just disregard them.
Overall, I found this an interesting piece. The character seems like an interesting one. And I love his name - Haze Foxstone.
I am assuming that the 'small shifter campus' is a university of sorts that teaches creatures who can shape shift into animals. I don't read this type of story, but I found it intriguing and I was drawn to read more.
There were a few spots where I got out of the story.
**"That is one disciplinarians. Even though most of the staff are female, some joke they act like enforcers like in packs because they often break up any fights or problems." The girl giving him the tour whispered, acting like a proper goldfinch gossip."
This paragraph reads awkward for me. The word 'like' was used three times and I found the second one awkward and jarring. A possible suggestion - some joke they act like enforcers. They are usually in packs because they often break up any fights or problems.
I like the part about acting like a proper goldfinch gossip - that gave me a great image.
I like the description of the small boy... the hamster.
I also enjoyed the ending.
Interesting tale. Good luck with the contest. I look forward to reading more of your work over the course of the year.
The first part could be smoothed out - maybe - That is one of the disciplinarians.
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