FIRST IMPRESSION:Hi, and happy WDC. Anniversary. I was curious about your story because I saw something about a witch’s son. You said in your brief introduction that you wanted to write a proper story, and I believe that you succeeded in doing so. As I started reading, I noticed several errors and things which can be fixed, which I will talk about a bit at the end of this review. I continued reading even though, in my opinion, it reads like a unedited draft, because your opening paragraph was a great hook, and it showed promise of truly being a proper story, indeed.
THOUGHTS:. I’m glad I came across this story because it was written such in a captivating way, that it held my attention from the beginning to the end. The story had an old fashioned feel to it. From the accent that you so smoothly gave to the guard, to the descriptions of the village, I felt that this was taking place in old time England. Well, maybe we will find out that it takes place on another planet, but I’ll assume you will uncover more information to your readers in later chapters. Anyway, I was sure of one thing. This first chapter is the start of a great fantasy story.
FAVORITE PART:. As I mentioned above, I liked the mystery of the opening paragraph. I wondered what the boy was eating, and who his family was, especially his mother. We learned from the title that she is a witch. It made me wonder if this boy also has powers.
I thought you chose great names for the brother and sister. Keenan and Kela seem to go together nicely. These little thought out touches give a good, smooth flow to your captivating story.
The descriptions of the snow covered village, the huts, and surroundings were done well, in my opinion. I could ‘hear’ loud banging on the door, and imagine Keenan walking through the snow.
I felt that you did a great job with introducing the characters. Often authors rush through that, which sometimes makes their stories confusing. You took time with those flawless introductions. That slow process allowed me to understand the story and to really get to know your characters.
SUGGESTIONS:. I wondered what the age of the boy and his friend, Sarah, were. Since they were going out to play in the snow, I assumed they were children, however, the Gate keeper thought Keenan was trying to, ‘steal a kiss’, leading me to think they were young teens. I guess the readers will find out more in later chapters, but I felt it could have been reviled in this first chapter.
Throughout your entire chapter, I found little errors like words which need to big capitalized, and many run on sentences. I would suggest that you put your story through a grammar check to polish up all of that.
Those things didn’t stop me from reading it, but others might not give it a chance the way it is. That would be a shame because it’s really a nice story.
Here is one example of a run on sentence:
” As Kenan walked through the snow he wondered if Sarah would want to play today, he thought she would but she might have to clean the house today and he didn't know what he'd do if she did, he'd offered to help her clean before but as soon as her father saw him he threw him out into a pile of manure that had been there while Sarah gave him a sad look.”
I would break that up into three sentences, for something like:
As Kenan walked through the snow he wondered if Sarah would want to play today. He thought she would but she might have to clean the house today and he didn't know what he'd do if she did. He’d offered to help her clean before but as soon as her father saw him, he threw him out into a pile of manure that had been there, while Sarah gave him a sad look.
Right from the very first paragraph, your readers will notice capitalization issues, like here:
” his mother and sister were out.”
His, would be better there.
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
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| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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Hi Rachel! My apologies! I don't know how I never remembered to review this amazing emporium before. I visit it often enough, but somehow I missed giving it the pretty stars which it so deserves. 
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Well done.
